Chapter 1: Finn For The Win
guys guys guys i'm making a thing gUYS
GUYS GUYS I TEXTED NAVY BEAN AND FRIJOLESBEAN AND FRIJOLESBEAN IS COMING TO GSA TOMORROW
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Finn sighed as he pulled the condom out of the box. It was the last one. He unrolled it slowly. "We'll need to buy some more," he noted.
Poe smiled. "We won't need any more after tonight," he reassured Finn.
Poe tackled Finn to the ground and ripped the condom from his hands. He stretched it out and pulled it down over Finn's head.
Finn began panicking. It was too tight, it was pushing on his nose, he couldn't breathe- "Take it off, take it off!" he pleaded to Poe.
Poe chuckled. "Keep it," he said. "It suits you."
"Poe, I can't breathe with this thing on!"
Poe shook his head and laughed. "You're so adorable, Finn. Finn for the win. FN2187? More like FN21-great-7. Haha."
Finn frowned. Poe knew that he didn't want to remember his old name. Poe never brought it up in conversations.
This wasn't Poe.
What had happened to Poe? With a surge of adrenaline, Finn's tongue punched through the condom, freeing a breathing hole. He lunged at the Poe-impersonator and tackled them to the ground. "Who the *potato* are you, and what have you done with him?"
"What? You're FN crazy! Like F-in' crazy, but FN because you were-"
"Shut the *potato* up and tell me where he is. Now. I also want your name, your boss, your-"
They sighed. "You want to know who I am?"
They chuckled and pulled off Poe's face, which was a mask, revealing the face of none other than Kylo Ren. "I'm your worst nightmare, baby," he jeered.
"W- w- wha-"
"Come on, FN2187. Traitor. Time to come back to boot camp." Kylo smirked.
Finn shook his head. "Where's Poe?"
Kylo smiled and said nothing.
Finn had a thought. Oh- oh, God. No. They- they hadn't- they hadn't sent Poe to the storm trooper boot camp-
"That's right, Finn. You already know where Poe is."
A tear dripped down Finn's condom-wrapped cheek. "You're lying."
"Oh, you wish I was, FN21-"
Finn shook his head. "Shut the *potato* up, and don't ever call me that again."
"Oh, make me," Kylo said, giggling. "Don't you think I should have pinned you by now? Did it ever cross your mind that I was going easy on you on purpose?"
Just as Finn finished processing what Kylo had said, dozens of storm troopers stampeded into the room, their blasters pointed at him.
"I suggest you come with us," Kylo said.
Finn gasped and shook his head. "I-"
A storm trooper shot Finn, and everything went black.
i'm lowkey panicking now because what if the gsa people scare frijolesbean away oh god oh god
SAUCE PAN (a saucy panromantic aka @ paperskythewry on here- go subscribe to her and give her many kudos because she's pretty rad) AND POT (a meme-filled ace/aro/age with P.O.T.S.) AND QUEEMO (a homo little dude who's ironically emo) MIGHT SCARE FRIJOLESBEAN BECAUSE THEY'RE VERY RAD BUT ALSO MILDLY TERRIFYING
then again, frijolesbean is a little terrifying, as well
i'm lowkey afraid of everyone oh god
Chapter 2: Almorzamos
honestly, i've always been really bad about stormtroopers and stuff, so i've probably got a ton of incorrect stuff here. let's all just pretend that after Finn left, the First Order made a bunch of changes to the stormtroopers and stuff. yeah. lunch.
Finn opened his eyes and groaned. It was too bright. Too noisy. Not to mention the fact that there was a dull, throbbing pain in his shoulder. Where was he? What was going on?
“Morning, FN-2187,” said Kylo Ren, grinning down at him.
Oh, right. Finn had been kidnapped and taken against his will by the First Order. Wonderful.
“Don’t you want to come to the training facilities again? Maybe you’ll run into your little boyfriend, Poe-“
“Oh, he is. I can see it in your eyes. You love him.”
Finn said nothing. That wasn’t what it was- surely it wasn’t.
Kylo laughed. “Oh! Oh, I get it. He doesn’t love you back, does he? He only stays with you for the-“
“Oh, but it is, isn’t it? Well, FN-2187, I think you’ll find that here we have no use for those sorts of feelings, so if you’d be so kind as to forget about that son of a *potato*, it would be best for all of us.”
“And what if I don’t want to?”
“What if I don’t want to give you any food or water for three weeks?”
Finn frowned. He shivered. It was cold, all of a sudden. He pulled Poe’s jacket’s sleeves over his hands- oh. The jacket wasn’t there. Instead, there was a cold, plastic stormtrooper uniform.
“Oh, you’ve noticed the change in wardrobe, have you?”
Finn frowned. “Where’s-“
“Where’s your lover-friend? Oh, he’s long gone. We messed him up so bad, he won’t even remember you. Now, it’s your turn. Traitor. You'll notice we've made some heavy changes since you left us. I'm sure you'll be pleased.”
Finn gasped as two stormtroopers marched him out of the room. They’d hurt Poe! Oh- oh, God- he’d hurt them-
No. No, that was what he was supposed to want to do. He wanted to get Poe back, and he wouldn’t hurt anybody else unless it was for self-defense. Okay.
Suddenly, a bell rang. One of the stormtroopers dropped Finn and hissed, “Lunch.”
The other stormtrooper let go of Finn, as well. “Lunch.”
They began walking through a door to the left of Finn, which led to a large cafeteria. Soon, more and more stormtroopers began walking through the door, chanting, “Lunch, lunch, lunch,” softly.
“Lunch. Lunch. Lunch. Lunch. Lunch.”
Finn bit back a laugh. This was weird. They must have changed something in the way they trained stormtroopers since he’d left.
Stormtroopers began pressing against him to get in, and Finn was eventually pushed inside. Same cafeteria. Same boring smells. Same colorless energy supplements.
Finn wasn’t hungry. He walked over to a table and hesitantly sat down. Maybe he could blend in.
Another stormtrooper sat across from him, eating his energy supplements and chanting, “Lunch,” between bites.
“So, uh, you’re pretty into lunch?”
The entire cafeteria went silent, and every head turned to gaze upon Finn. His mouth went dry. “Uh- Lunch!”
“Lunch! Lunch! Lunch!” they shouted, going back to their own businesses.
Finn sighed. He had to find Poe and get out of here, and he had to do it quickly. And that was the easy part.
The hard part would be staying human.
i was at a peace keeper's meeting yesterday for school, right? and they were passing around a sheet for attendance or something, and it was the first meeting i'd ever been to, so i was like, 'okay, i'll just sign this, yeah?' but i said that in my head, because i don't really talk in public unless someone asks me a question. i don't know why. and i wrote down my name and passed the sheet to the kid next to me, and he was like, "i can tell you're shy because your writing is so tiny." is that for real a thing? do shy people write tinier than outgoing people? bro, handwriting is so fascinating.
and then i found one of the seniors there on instagram, and i requested to follow her (she's private), and a few minutes later, she commented on one of my bear pictures (i'm public) "wtf is this @[one of her friends]" and i was like. you comment, but you don't like or follow or even accept my request. honey.
Chapter 3: Gotta Blast
guys guess what
the whole "lunch, lunch" thing actually was really dark and i'm gonna explain it later on
i can't stop laugjinh i just
gotta blast !
After a while, a bell rang again, and everyone went silent. “LUNCH IS NOW OVER. IT IS TIME FOR BLASTING PRACTICE.”
“Blast, blast, blast, blast, blast, blast, blast-“
Finn groaned. Not again. He shuffled out of the cafeteria with everyone else.
“Blast, blast, blast, blast, blast.”
Finn sighed and scratched at his helmet. He just wanted to find Poe and leave. Oh- but he couldn’t exactly leave, could he?
The stormtroopers began walking through a doorway, into a large room filled with sand-bag targets and blasters. Each stormtrooper picked one up and began blasting at the bags.
Finn sighed, picked up a gun, and walked over to the area that was least-crowded. He began shooting at the target, his muscles almost moving automatically with the muscle memory. He’d been an excellent blaster, and he still was pretty good. The stormtrooper next to him, however, seemed to be having trouble.
“Blast, blast-“ they completely missed the target and scorched the wall. “Blast- *potato*-“
Finn chuckled and cleared his throat. “Need help?”
The stormtrooper froze. “What’s your name? Are you new here?”
“Uh- sort of- I’m, uh. FN-2187-“
The stormtrooper froze for a moment before clearing his throat. "Well, I'm FN-420, and I would like help, thanks."
Finn nodded and walked over. “You have to-“
Suddenly, someone from First Order walked over. “Blast!” she screeched. “Blast!”
Finn gasped. “Oh- oh-“
“Blast! Blast! Blast!” screamed FN-420.
She thumped FN-420 on the back. “Blast!” Then, she turned to Finn. “Blast,” she hissed angrily.
“Uh- uh- uh-“
She stared at him expectantly.
“Blast!” Finn screeched.
She frowned. “Blast.” She grabbed FN-420’s elbow and dragged him away.
“Gotta blast,” FN-420 whispered over his shoulder.
Finn frowned and blasted directly at the target. “Blast,” he said.
guys guys gUYS PEOPLE ARE SUBSCRIBED TO THIS THING HOLY POOP :')
hecka excited because i'm 'bout to go watch a play and Navy Bean is the assistant stage manager :')
Chapter 4: Sleep Is For The Weak
i was looking through some stormpilot stuff, and i realized that i had the fricking quote wrong yes the quote that i used for the title i had it wRONG i just. wow.
i was like, "oh poop" and then i didn't know what to change it to because "it suits you" is the name of like ten billion other fanfictions and i wanted this to be easy-ish to find so i was like "saLAD FINGERS QUOTES" and i renamed it A Queer-Looking Contraption and then i was like ,, that doesn't relate to the story at all ? and then i was like. frick it. we're gonna use a mcr quote.
can't escape the emo :)))))
^^ i meant that ironically oh god
i'm really tired today
After blasting practice, which had to have lasted at least seven hours, the stormtroopers all marched out of the room in silence. Finn followed, his mind racing. He had to find Poe. Maybe Poe could help him find FN-420, too, and they could get him out as well. That would be nice.
FN-420 seemed like a nice guy.
He was probably new.
Finn followed the large crowd, keeping his eyes out for any sign of Poe. He saw nothing.
Then, a voice came in across the speakers: “IT IS NOW TIME FOR SLEEPING.”
“Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.”
Finn groaned. They were going to the-
oh. Everyone had dropped to the ground. Apparently, there were no designated sleeping spaces anymore. Finn sighed and lay down on the ground, as well.
Another stormtrooper walked in and lay down next to Finn.
“Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.”
Just as Finn was about to fall asleep, he realized that the stormtrooper next to him wasn’t chanting.
They were the only two stormtroopers who weren't. The room became quieter and quieter as more stormtroopers fell asleep (you can't chant when you're asleep). Finn stared at the other stormtrooper.
"What are you looking at?"
"Chill, man. It's fine. Go to bed before they see you."
Finn thought for a moment. "FN-420?"
"Yeah, it's me. Go to bed before they see you awa-"
"Finn, I'm glad you're making friends, but now is time for sleeping, I believe. We'll have to punish you for this. General Hux! I'll need about twenty-three boxes of condoms in my office, please."
Finn groaned and looked up. It was Kylo Ren.
Chapter 5: FRICKING FRICK YALL AINT GETTING A CHAPTER TITLE BECAUSE COOKED VEGETABLES MAKE ME UPSET
do you ever have one of those moods where all of your inner thoughts are in capital letters
that's me right now
Kylo Ren grabbed Finn by the elbow and pulled him up.
“Wait, it was my fault!” FN-420 protested. “I should be in trouble, sir!”
Kylo chuckled. “I’ll take you both, then,” he said. He grabbed FN-420 and pulled him along with Finn. They went down a hallway, but suddenly, Kylo froze. “This’ll be noisy,” he said. “Gotta distract the others.” He walked over to a speaker on the wall, leaned into it, and said, “SLEEPING TIME IS OVER. WE WILL NOW BEGIN- UH- CRAP, I DON’T KNOW- OH! YEAH, START BLAZING PRACTICE!”
Kylo pulled Finn and Poe through a door and shut the door with a sigh.
“What’s blazing practice?” Finn teased. “Are they gonna blaze it? 4-20?”
Kylo frowned. “Yeah, why?”
“Wait- wait-“ Finn looked at FN-420. “You guys actually have to smoke weed?”
“Oh, yeah. Smoke weed every day. Blaze it. 4-20. That’s how they gave me my name, actually. I refused to smoke it. At first, I mean. I eventually gave in because they said if I didn’t, they’d kidnap my boyfriend and take him here. I smoked it. Then, they brought him here anyway-“
Kylo squealed loudly and shoved them both to the ground. He straddled Finn and used The Force to bring over a box of condoms from his desk. He pulled one out and began breathing heavily. “Say one more word, and I won’t hesitate to put it on,” he said. He pulled Finn’s helmet off. Finn realized that the other condom was still stuck on his head, but it was the one with the breathing-hole he’d made with his tongue.
FN-420 gasped. “I-“
Before you could say, “Kinky,” Kylo Ren wrestled a condom over Finn’s head. Finn began panicking- but then, he remembered what he’d done last time. He tried to punch another hole with his tongue, but he couldn’t do it.
“Oh, I forgot to mention that these are EXTRA strong. People with bigger penises get stronger condoms. You wouldn’t know about that, of course. Ha.”
FN-420 gasped. “You’re still a *potato*ing virgin, Kylo, so don’t *potato*ing bring that crap up-“ he fell silent when he saw Kylo counting every word he said on his fingers.
“Eleven, twelve- thirteen, yeah? Have it your way then, 420.” Kylo then proceeded to put thirteen more condoms over Finn’s head.
Finn’s mind raced. What had FN-420 said before? About his boyfriend being taken there? Oh, that was awful! Did he even know which one was his boyfriend? Poor 420. He must be horribly upset.
“. . . and I think we’ll play a game where I put one condom on for every word you say. How’s that sound?”
Finn turned his head to FN-420. He couldn’t see, of course, because the condoms were obscuring his vision. FN-420 grunted angrily.
“Oh, that’s right! You can’t talk, or I’ll cover FN-2187 with more condoms.” Kylo laughed. “This is such fun,” he mused to himself.
Finn could hear FN-420 breathing heavily. He reached his hand towards him, but he couldn’t reach that far.
“That’s really adorable, FN-2187. Hey! Hey, Master Vader, grandfather, did you see that? I’m making them sad! I’m causing them distress! Grandfather, aren’t you proud?”
Everything was going dark now, and he could hear FN-420 breathing extremely heavily.
Suddenly, FN-420 screamed, “FINN! FINN, IT'S ME! I'M POE! WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!"
The words barely registered in Finn’s mind before he passed out.
just gonna post the rest of this today because why the *potato* not
do y'all think it's weird enough because i just. i'm not feeling it. i think i need it to be weirder. condoms and suffocation aren't enough. dang.
i ate an entire sweet potato and i'm filled with regret and aH i don't like cooked vegetables because they upset my tummy and i just wANT TO EAT RAW PRODUCE BUT MY PARENTS KEEP FORCING ME TO COOK THEM RAW SWEET POTATOES ARE DELICIOUS AND YOU CAN REFRIGERATE THEM AND THEY WON'T GET MMUSHY AND THE MUSHY MAKES MY NEcK TIGNLRY AND THEN MY CHEST PRICKLES AND THE TEXTURES OF RAW FOODS ARE SO MUCH NICER HHHHHH
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4EmLvzmTHA copy and paste that into your search bar for an educational video on making condoms :')
Chapter 6: too many flooping condoms
i was gonna post it all today but i'm too lazy to write the ending yet oh
Finn opened his eyes and realized that he no longer had any condoms on his head. He was in the middle of a forest full of fog, and no one else was around. How’d he get here?
A small man walked out of the shadows. “Hello, son,” he said.
Finn squinted through the fog. The man was green- oh. Wow, that definitely wasn’t a man- not a woman or any non-binary thing, either- this was clearly a different species. “Who are you?”
He walked closer and laid a hand across Finn’s stomach. “Your father, I am,” he said.
“Yoda is my name, and your father I am, Finn.”
Finn gasped. “My- my father? But you’re not- and I’m black-“
“Many of my genetic traits you do not have,” Yoda said. “Conceived with Lando Calrissian, you were.”
“Lando Calrissian? Han Solo’s friend? But he’s a guy!“
“Long story it is, but it is true, my son. Your father I am, and your father Lando is.”
“Wait, how’d I get here? Is- is this the afterlife? Did Kylo Ren really murder me with condoms?”
“That, he did not do,” Yoda said. “Almost, he did, but not quite. If one uses the Force correctly, one can survive longer without breathing.”
“Is this a dream, then?”
“That, it is,” Yoda said. “Wake up now, you will?”
Finn nodded. “Yeah, uh- thanks- thanks, dad.”
“Welcome, you are,” Yoda said.
Finn shuddered. It was all black again, but that was only because he couldn’t open his eyes.
“FN-420, if you don’t get off of me, I swear to Darth Vader-“
There was a loud slapping noise.
“Oh my god, I’m bleeding! You little *potato*er!”
Another slapping sound came.
Finn thought for a moment. If he used the Force, apparently, he wouldn’t need air. Well, then. He waited a bit.
Finn didn’t even feel the desire to breathe. That was very strange. Well, if nobody was on top of him, and he wasn’t suffocating anymore, surely he could get up and fight. He remained still for a few moments, listening to figure out where FN-420- no, he was Poe- and Kylo Ren were.
“Touch me again, and I will not hesitate to use these condoms. He’s already unconscious; why don’t we see how many it takes to kill him?”
Finn had to move! He stood up and blindly ran to Kylo’s voice, pinning him to the ground with one hand and starting to pull off all the condoms with the other. “Finn!” Poe shouted happily. He helped Finn pull all the condoms off. Finn opened his eyes and ripped off Poe’s helmet. “Poe!” he screamed. “What the *potato*, man, are you okay?”
“*potato*ing great, bro! What about you?”
“I was just almost suffocated with condoms! I’m fantastic!”
“Oh, that’s great!”
Kylo coughed loudly. “Will someone fight me already? I’m bored. My grandfather will hear about this. Grandfather! Grandfather, help me!”
Suddenly, a ghost appeared in the room. The ghost of Anakin Skywalker.
“Ben, what the actual *potato* are you doing?”
i've been logging all the food i've eaten for four days and three-quarters of it consists of potatoes, peanut butter, and avocados
sounds about right
Chapter 7: have you ever eaten a raw potato before because wOW :')
i'm so bad at communicating with people
i just don't want to talk
listening is so much nicer
Kylo Ren squealed. “Grandfather!” he shouted. “Oh my God! I love you so much! I-“
Anakin sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Ben,” he groaned, “I’m not- we’re not even blood related, Ben. My daughter had nothing to do with conceiving you.”
Kylo’s face fell. “Oh,” he said softly. “So who’s my birth mother?”
“He wasn’t your mother, Ben. His name was Lando Calrissian, I think, and he was your birth father. Well- one of them, that is.”
Finn gasped. “Lando was my dad!”
“Oh. Hi, Finn. Didn’t see you there. Yeah, he was.”
“So he’s my brother?” Kylo asked quietly.
“Finn’s your half-brother, Ben. His other dad was Yoda, but yours was Han Solo. You do have a brother, but Matt Calrissian kind of disappeared a year ago, and we haven’t seen him since.”
“So we’re not blood-related? You’re just my-“
“Step-grandfather, I guess. And I’m not proud to say it.”
Kylo sighed. “I’m sorry, grandfather.”
“Yeah, that’s okay. Just please stop this. All of it. I had a *potato* of a scene phase, but it’s over and done now, so I don’t need you to remind me of it.”
“Darth Vader was just a scene phase?”
Kylo turned to Poe and Finn and sighed. “Sorry,” he said.
“Sure you are,” Poe snorted.
“No… really, I am sorry.”
Finn snickered. “What for?”
Kylo smiled. “Oh, just for this.” He slammed a button on the wall, which sounded an alarm.
“PREPARE FOR BATTLE. PREPARE FOR BATTLE. PREPARE FOR BATTLE,” said an automated voice.
“Battle, battle, battle, battle,” droned the stormtroopers.
“You have to admit that the whole battle-battle-battle-blast-blast-blast-lunch-lunch-lunch-sleep-sleep-sleep thing was pretty clever, right? It occupies their thoughts, so they don’t have any stray ones. No desire to be different. All they think about is what they’re saying. Right now, they only care about battling. I’ll give you two minutes before I set them loose,” Kylo said. “Did you really think I was only doing this for an old man?”
“No!” Anakin screeched. He disappeared. Finn grabbed Poe’s hand and ran out the door with him. Another set of doors opened, and they ran out of the base.
“Finn,” Poe panted, “I can’t- I can’t do all this running-“
Finn shook his head. “Just a little farther, Poe, come on-“
Finn pulled Poe along, running faster. “I don’t know how we’re going to get out of here,” he panted, “seeing as we have no ride-“
Poe panted harder. “Finn,” he whimpered. “I really- can’t- run- this- fast-“
“Sure you can, bro. You’re doing great. Keep going!” Finn slowed down a bit. Poe never complained about things. Maybe something really was wrong. He sighed and then picked Poe up, stormtrooper uniform and all, and one arm wrapped around Poe’s stomach and the other pumping as he ran.
“Not the stomach!” Poe hissed.
Finn sighed and scooped Poe up with both of his arms. “Why not?”
“Tell you later,” Poe whispered.
Just then, Finn saw a spaceship coming into view.
Apparently, Poe had seen it, as well. “Millennium Falcon,” he panted.
Finn squinted. Oh- yes, it really was the Millennium Falcon! Finn stopped running and stared as it came closer. Poe squirmed a bit before rolling out of Finn’s arms and back onto the ground. He rubbed his stomach a bit before wrapping his arms loosely around it. Finn frowned. Something must be wrong with Poe.
The Millennium Falcon was right in front of Finn and Poe. Finn grabbed Poe’s arm and ran towards it. Poe gasped. “Finn,” he pleaded, “I can’t do all this running!”
Finn shook his head and pulled Poe further along. They reached the ship, and the door opened. Kylo Ren was inside, beckoning them to come in. What?
“I know I look like him, but I’m just his brother, Matt! Come on, hurry!”
Finn ran inside, pulling Poe with him.
matt the radar technician matt the radar technician matt the radar technician
Chapter 8: Daddy's Going To Become A Daddy
i haven't been outside in 45 hours
Matt closed the door and walked back to the cockpit.
“That’s just Matt; he’s been our radar technician for around a year, I think. You guys alright?” Leia called.
“We’re fine!” Finn yelled back.
Poe sighed and leaned against the wall, breathing heavily and cradling his stomach. Finn took off his stormtrooper uniform, throwing it aside, and then went to help Poe with his. He took off the leg pieces and the rest of it, but when he came to the midsection, Poe placed his hand on Finn’s wrist to stop him, his eyes wide and panicked.
“Do you wanna tell me what’s going on?” Finn asked. “You’ve been acting really strangely, man.”
“Remember that time when we, uh. Did it? Four months ago? Yeah. Well, I forgot to mention that I was born- uh - like, I don’t just have a penis; I have a vagina, too-”
“That’s okay,” Finn said softly. “I don’t care about what’s down there, Poe.”
“No, it’s not that-“
“Then what is it?”
Poe bit his lip. He shook his head.
“Come on, Poe. I won’t be mad.”
Poe nodded. “I know,” he said. “I just- I- the condoms-“
“Haha, yeah. Those condoms were really thin, I guess. I was able to punch a hole in one with just my tongue. We should buy some thicker ones, like Kylo had. What were you saying?”
“I’m pregnant,” Poe whispered.