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Another Long One

Chapter Text

If losing sleep were any indication
Of the loving that I've missed
I would wrap myself around you
But how likely can that be when I feel like this
And if life were not unfortunate
And reason blew like summer through the trees
I would stop to let you catch me
But I think that you would find me on my knees


Date: Thu, 27 May 1999 01:43:34 -0400
From: M.F. Luder
Subject: Another Long One

Can you believe I just got back to the hotel? That fucking SAC Watts kept
me there until after midnight, running the profile over and over. He won't
accept that I'm right, and I know I am, and if we're not lucky another
little boy will die tomorrow night. Maybe even this morning. Jesus.

There's nothing else I can do tonight. I know, Walt, I know. But it's
going to be another long one tonight, no matter. Just me and my . . . good
intentions. I want to blame Watts, Scully, the killer, you, I don't know,
but I'm thinking, Walt, no one did this to me. No one forced me to do
this. I do it because I want to be right. I need to be right. You know me.
The last word.

I just can't afford to be right anymore. I can't sleep tonight, I can't
face the nightmares of those little boys, curled up, almost like they're
asleep. Almost. God, it's going to be another long one tonight.
You know, I never have the nightmares when we're together. So, losing
sleep is my barometer of missing you. I look at the empty side of the bed,
at the bags under my eyes in the mirror, and I want to wrap myself around
you. Not very likely. Even if you were here, I don't think I could let you
touch me. Not when I know what's out there, in the shadows.
But if this weren't happening, if we were alone in some beautiful, silent
place, I would stop running and let you catch me. Really catch me, for
good. The way I am tonight, I think that you would find me on my knees.


I have to tell you, just thinking about you is oddly comforting. But it's
dangerous, I know. When I'm home, I can never talk to you like this. I
can't . . . be vulnerable. I couldn't take pity from you, Walt. I need you
to hold me, and I need you to fuck me, but I can't let you in all the way.
Not yet. But tonight, I really want to.

The last time I took my head out of my head enough to notice, you were
right next to me being-- Being kind, I'd have to call it, in that gruff
way of yours. But I don't give you much, do I? And I'm so scared that one
day, you'll finally change your mind.

God, Walt, I'm exhausted, and I shouldn't write about important things
when I'm this tired. I don't know if I should send this. Hell, you should
certainly be in bed by now, so if I change my mind I can probably get the
guys to delete it from your account or something. No, no, I'll send it.
Just, please promise me something. You won't mention this. You won't hold
it over my head.

Just know, know that I'm trying. That I know what you do for me. That I
love you, for more than your ass and your tongue and your expensive

It's going to be another long night tonight, in more ways that one, Walt.
Just, write me in the morning, will you? Send me a joke or tell me what
you watched on TV last night. Something stupid so I know you understand.
I'm going to go take a shower, try to get those kids out of my head. Oh,
what I said about being right? Don't you dare tell Scully.


Chapter Text

i know it seems that i don't care
but something in me does I swear
i don't remember all last year
i left you awake to cry the tears
while i was dreaming in streams
flowing between the shores
of joy and sadness
i'm drowning
save me
wake me up


From: W. Skinner
Date: Thu, 27 May 1999 07:38:27 -0400
Subject: Re: Another Long One

Jesus, Mulder, I hope you got some sleep. You send me something like that, and you expect me to--

DO NOT DELETE THIS MESSAGE. Don't, Mulder. I know you're scared. Just know this: I love you, and I'm not going to change my mind. No matter how prickly you are when you're on a case like this. Really, do you think I don't understand?

I do. Oh, and Mulder, I watched one of those History Channel documentaries you love so much. War of the Clans, or something. Scottish Highlanders. You know how I feel about men in kilts.

You know, Mulder, I'm not exactly a prize at expressing myself either. It killed my marriage. Sharon always wanted in, and I couldn't let her. With you, there was never a question of letting you in. You were already here.

I wish I could be there for you. You sound so lonely, and I think of myself last night, alone in the bed. Here's something to make you laugh: I had a frantic dream about paperwork gone awry, being trapped in a meeting that wouldn't end. God knows, we all dream about our work. I hate to think about what it must be like for you.

If I could, I swear Mulder, I would fly down to South Carolina and be with you. I'd slide in behind you on the narrow hotel bed and protect you from the monsters that come at night. I'd like a minute alone with Watts, too, but I'm going to have to satisfy myself with having the Finance department audit his expense reports.

I hope you're taking care of yourself down there. Scrap that, I know you're not. Just, give it a try, would you? Otherwise, I won't be able to have my way with you when you get back. I'll have to feed you and put you to bed, and that's not what I have in mind.

Mulder, I want you to call me when you get in tonight. I don't care what time it is. If I can't be there, and I really can't, I want to hear your voice. I want you to hear mine.

Please, Mulder, call.

Love you,


From: W. Skinner
Date: Fri, 28 May 1999 00:18:03 -0400

I just tried to call you, and I got kicked over to the hotel switchboard because the line is busy. If you're online, get off and call me, brat.



Date: Fri, 28 May 1999 00:18:54 -0400
From: M.F. Luder
Subject: Re: Another Long One

--- W. Skinner wrote:


Christ, Walt, I should be offended. You know me entirely too well.

I'm just going to change, then I'll call, okay? Good thing, for you, that tomorrow's Friday.


Do You Yahoo!?
Get your free address at


Date: Fri, 28 May 1999 10:13:61 -0400
From: M.F. Luder
Subject: Thank you

God, Walter, good news. Finally. And it's all thanks to you.

I think I slept, really slept well, last night for the first time all week. I'm glad you're going to be be the one who has to approve the expense report with that phone call on it. Shit. But seriously, Walt, you ought to make tapes of your voice and sell them to people to can't sleep.

So, anyway, I fell asleep with you talking in my ear, and when I woke up I went for a short run. Boom, I figured it out. I knew where we would find him.

I cornered Watts, and he was much more amenable to my suggestions than he had been. Walt....? For all I know, Scully threatened to knot off his balls, considering she wasn't too happy with him herself. It doesn't really matter; he got a warrant authorized and we raided the warehouse.

The little boy was still alive. He was tied up and scared as hell; I'm glad I won't have to pay his therapy bills. But he was okay, really. The perp took a pot shot at one of the uniforms and got himself an extra hole in the head. Shit, he fit my profile exactly.

If Watts hadn't been such an asshole, that little boy never would have had to go through that. I made the bastard understood the error of his ways, too. He'll be happy to see me leave the state.

Speaking of which, I have to finish some paperwork, then get back to the hotel and pack up. Yes, I'm still at the office, but I had to tell you. I wish you were here so I could kiss you.

Scully wants lunch, then we catch a flight home. Get something good for dinner, would you? Better yet, I'd kill for something done on the grill--some of your chicken, maybe? We've been living on take-out, as usual.

I'll see you soon. Love you.


PS--Forgive me for CCing this to your Bureau address, but I had to be sure you got it asap.

Do You Yahoo!?
Get your free address at


From: Walter Skinner
Date: Fri, 28 May 1999 12:42:16 -0400
Subject: Re: Thank you

At 10:13 AM 5/28/99 -0400, you wrote:
>PS--Forgive me for CCing this to your Bureau address, but
>I had to be sure you got it asap.

No, it's okay. If you hadn't written, I probably would have stayed here late, and you'd have come home to an empty house and gone hungry. I think I can probably handle throwing some chicken on the grill, so you'll be saved from MSG poisoning.

Good work on the case, Mulder. I didn't say a word to Watts, so his attitude adjustment must have been due to Scully and her killer glares. That woman will make an excellent administrator, one day.

Anyway, get your ass back here so I can stuff you. Shit, Mulder, that didn't come out quite right, but I've got to get to yet another meeting. I think you know what I mean, either way.

See you tonight. Get home safe.


Walter Skinner
Assistant Director
Federal Bureau of Investigation
phone: 202.737.0648
fax: 202.0692


Date: Sat, 29 May 1999 12:09:36 -0400
From: M.F. Luder
Subject: sorry man

Sorry to do this to you man, but I've got to cancel on the game tonight. I sprained knee running, and it's sore as hell. Think I'll stay in bed all day.

Give John and Ringo my regards, would you?


Fox Mulder
"led by a cloud of rubbish by day and a pillar of bosh by night"
--Charles Fort


Date: Sat, 29 May 1999 12:11:43 -0400
From: The Ultimate Jedi Master
Subject: Re: sorry man

Yeah, sure, man. Knee. Sore. Running. Sure, Mulder. Jesus, you're more of a degenerate than I am.

Tell baldy hi for me, would you?