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Twelve Times a Blonde Lunatic Molested the Doctor... And One Time She Assaulted Him

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Contrary to popular belief, using a Dimension Cannon is not as easy as it sounds. Even after they had figured out how to latch onto the Doctor’s signature, there was still the issue of ending up at the right point in his timeline.

The first time she saw the Doctor, all plans flew out of her head and she attempted to snog him into his next regeneration.

He was a blonde man, younger than either of the Doctors she had known, wearing an ensemble that reminded her of the penguin scene in Mary Poppins.

Rose might not have recognized him if he hadn’t just stepped out of the TARDIS but seeing him for the first time in several years was enough to make her tear up and race towards him despite his different appearance. His eyes widened in alarm when he turned just in time to catch her in his arms but he responded quickly enough when she tugged his head down to her level. She snogged him until she was flushed and breathless and her mouth was sore.

She only came to her senses after he looked at her through glazed eyes and moaned. “Do that again.”

Immediately, she extricated herself from his embrace and used her Dimension Cannon to return to the parallel universe.

She didn’t put the encounter in her report.

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Rose didn’t make another journey for several months while the team at Torchwood tried to figure out how to home in on the right part of her Doctor’s timeline. Unfortunately, it turned out to be impossible and with more stars disappearing every day they couldn’t afford to wait for the lab-technicians to come up with an answer.

So, she was stuck transporting herself into his timeline randomly until she stumbled upon the right era. As she waited, Rose’s horror over her own lack of self-control evolved into a sense of mischievous amusement over her unexpected opportunity. She had the chance to snog any of the Doctors she ran across and the best part was he couldn’t complain when she found the right one because he had given her his permission. This revelation came to her during a particularly boring Torchwood meeting nearly causing her to break out into a rather predatory grin.

Suddenly, having to delve into the Doctor’s past and future seemed more like a massive practical joke rather than an arduous chore. Jack would have been proud of her.


Landing outside a well-lit manor at night and noticing what could only be described as a ball going on inside, Rose did what any sensible dimension-traveling girl would do in her situation and stole, em, borrowed a dress from the TARDIS seeing as her current attire would look odd. The TARDIS greeted her with the usual comforting hum but something seemed off about her. Trapped.

Shrugging and deciding whatever it was the Doctor would fix it, she chose a formfitting, blood-red, strapless dress that flared at the bottom to allow room to dance. She kept her trainers on, just in case, knowing from previous experiences it was unwise to wear unpractical shoes around the Doctor.

After redoing her makeup and hair to match her outfit, she headed towards the party.

She was able to spot the Doctor easily despite being older than she’d ever seen him. He stood out in the sea of formal military uniforms and tuxedos in his green velvet smoking jacket complete with frilly, white shirt underneath and a cape! An actual, honest-to-God satin lined cape!

He was deep in discussion with one of the military blokes, a fellow with a prominent handle-bar moustache, and was frowning at whatever the other man had just said.

Rose sidled up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder.

“Care for a dance, Doctor?” She queried, keeping her voice deliberately low and husky. She tugged him out onto the dance floor before he had more than a chance to look her over and gulp slightly.

Regaining his voice he asked, “Are you going to keep turning up in all my lives?”

Giving him a tongue-touched smile and a breezy laugh she answered him easily. “I’m looking for a specific you but I figured I’d have some fun along the way.”

They danced for a bit before she added, “besides. My Doctor deserves a right slapping for putting me through what he did.”

The song ended and they separated.

“Sorry, you have to pay for it. You seem like a nice bloke.” She flashed him another disarming grin and before he had the chance to ask another question, she reached up, grabbed his face and proceeded to give him a long, loud and very passionate kiss. Right there in the middle of the crowd! After kissing him gently on the tip of his rather prominent nose and giving him one final sweet smile, she walked off briskly and disappeared into the night leaving the crowd speechless and the Doctor more than a little dazed.


His future self, he decided, was an idiot of epic proportions for letting her slip through his fingers. It was even worth the mutters he got from the rest of UNIT and the endless stream of questions from Jo, although he would have preferred a more secluded spot.

She might have kept kissing him.

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‘This is actually kind of fun.’ Rose thought to herself as she prepped herself for her next trip. She’d have to make sure to make time for a chat with Jack the next time she was in the area. She was bursting with glee over her practical joke but she knew her family or Mickey wouldn’t understand if she confided in them. Hell, Pete might even decide to pull her from the project if he got word she was deliberately messing with the timeline. She made a mental note to ask the next Doctor she met how many regenerations he had. That way she could make a bucket list, crude as that sounded.


Humming, she triggered the Dimension Cannon and after her dizziness died down, looked around eagerly for her next victim.

Again, she spotted the Doctor almost immediately. Long brown curls, huge white grin and an overly long scarf.

Catching sight of her, his grin went from Mad-hatter to Cheshire Cat and he rushed over.

“Care for a Jelly Baby?” He asked, like it was an automatic reflex.

A mischievous idea occurred to her and she gave him her best signature smile. Taking a red one, she pulled him over to the nearest park bench and popped the candy in her mouth, sucking it for a few moments before leaning in to kiss him slowly and leisurely. They made out for a few minutes until the Doctor seemed to lose patience (or the sugar hit his bloodstream) and he swallowed the sweet whole, almost taking Rose’s tongue with it. Their kissing grew more fervent after that, complete with the appropriate amount of groping until they broke apart to give Rose a chance to catch her breath (the Doctor’s respiratory bypass had already kicked in) and noticed a bobby heading their way, probably to arrest them for public indecency.

They said their farewells quickly and ran in opposite directions, Rose to a nearby alley where she could trigger the Dimension Cannon without being seen and the Doctor to his TARDIS.


It wasn’t until he had taken off that he noticed Rose had nicked his bag of Jelly Babies. The sheer nerve! Of course, he kept a whole drawer full of extra bags but it was the principal of the thing!

Still, he supposed he had ended up stealing hers so perhaps he could forgive her, just this once.

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Damn. Her idea with the sweet had distracted her from asking her question. She still didn’t know how many regenerations he had in total. How was she supposed to attempt to snog all the Doctors when she didn’t even know how many there were?

Well, she was determined to remember this time. And to talk to Jack, provided she was close enough.


If she hadn’t taken long to recognize other Doctors, this one was quite literally impossible to miss. Not only did he have a large amount of curly, blonde hair and the sort of confident-verging-on-pompous air that drew the eye, he was also clade in the most ridiculously, clashingly bright articles of clothing Rose had ever seen. And she had been to some strange planets.

He looked like someone on acid had spliced the fashion sense of Willy Wonka and the average clown, randomized it, then rolled him in rainbow paint just to add another level of discordance. It was almost a work of art. Too bad she was about to ruin it. Though now that she thought about it, her Doctor might be grateful the evidence of this period of his life was destroyed. Hmm, she’d have to take a picture for blackmail purposes.

As she started to approach him the Doctor noticed her, smiled wickedly, and strolled cockily towards her.

Taking her hand in his own larger one, he half-bowed over it and kissed the back while watching her face intently. Straightening, he leaned forward to whisper in her ear. “Did you know your name means Arkytior in Gallifreyan, Rose? My favourite granddaughter’s name is Arkytior. Do you think that’s a coincidence?” Rose, who had been expecting him to say something dirty, was taken aback by his unexpected revelation. Her Doctor had never told her she shared his granddaughter’s name. She hadn’t even known he had a granddaughter!

Unable to think of a reply, Rose chose to change the subject.

“You must be an awfully violent version of the Doctor.” She quipped without noticing his slight flinch at the word ‘violent’. “How many clowns did you have to skin to make your technicolor dream-coat?”

“Why is it that everyone I meet insults my dress sense? At least I’m not boring beige like the last one!” The Doctor complained loudly.

“Uh, probably because you look like you dressed in a Van Gogh original, mate.”

He continued to mutter about past incarnations with no sense of originality for a few minutes before Rose decided to sooth his bruised ego with a kiss on the cheek.

“Tell you what, I’ll prove I’m not embarrassed to be seen with you by taking a picture of us together, alright?” He nodded, seemingly content with her peace offering, unaware she was doing it more for the sake of photographic proof than concern for his ruffled feathers.

She got a nearby older lady to take a couple of snapshots with her phone and didn’t miss the glimmer of amusement in her eyes when she saw the Doctor, who had stopped sulking the moment she mentioned pictures. His level of egomania was almost comical.

The pictures were pretty good actually and Rose cursed herself for not thinking of documentation earlier. It would have been fantastic to have portraits of each of her conquests. In fact, she might go back and do that now that she thought about it.

Walking over to the railing that came up to her waist and separated slow-moving, muddy water from the sidewalk, Rose leaned her head against the Doctor’s shoulder and allowed herself a moment to pretend she was back with her first Doctor, the one she had fallen in love with only to be ripped away and replaced when they finally started admitting their feelings to themselves.

It made her sad to think that even if everything went to plan she’d never get the chance to be with him.

“How many are there? Regenerations, I mean.”

He narrowed his eyes at her but didn’t answer, preferring to start trailing soft kisses along her neck. In public. Geez, he was a cheeky one. Not that she was any better.

His lips trailed back up her neck, along her jaw and cheekbone, before coming to rest for a moment on her nose. He kissed her forehead before asking in a deep, sensual tone, “Rose, would you like to come back to my TARDIS with me?”

“Why you little-” Rose sputtered out, laughing and blushing like her namesake before spinning him around so that his back was to the river. She pressed herself against him and proceeded to snog him so thoroughly he knew she was being sincere when she replied.

“I can’t. I’m sorry, really I am but I think there is a genuine risk of one of your later incarnations would show up and cause a paradox by trying to kill you.” Her eyes were full of apologetic regret as she gave him another one-over, this time making it slow enough to warrant his notice.

He raised an eyebrow. “I get that possessive? That’s a bit excessive, even for me.”

“Well, judgin’ by the way you reacted meeting my best friend-who-was-also-sort-of-my-boyfriend-for-awhile or whenever I flirted a bit with anything even vaguely resembling a male or they flirted with me even if I blew them off…” She furrowed her brow, starting to look slightly annoyed. “An’ you know what the worst part was? You would hold my hand all the time and hug me an’ call me brilliant but when we were alone in the TARDIS you would hide away under that damned console pretendin’ not to be interested and calling me a stupid ape for gettin’ in the way!” Rose could feel her eyes burning with the memories of past hurts and rubbed at them angrily.

And then this blonde, arrogant Doctor who dressed like the inside of a crayon box, looked at her with concern-filled eyes and actually cupped her cheek using his thumb to wipe away the last stubborn traces of her old disappointments.

He looked at her tentatively (which was a marvel in and of itself), then put on a resigned and overly dramatic self-sacrificing air. “If… if it would help, you could hit me in his place since you obviously want to and we will be the same person. Eventually.” He added darkly.

His offer was just so ridiculous it cheered her up a bit and made her giggle wetly.

“Ta. Just the same, I think I’ll save it for him. He said one cheek was still smarting from Mum so I’ll just have to even it out for him.” She gave an evil grin and the Doctor looked simultaneously relieved and worried.

Rose started to lean in to continue their make out session but the Doctor stopped her by putting his hands on her shoulders.

“This thing you’ve been doing? Jumping around my timeline and snogging all my selves? I gather that wasn’t the original plan?” Rose blushed and nodded.

“My first jump was to Ken with the celery. Wait, he isn’t a future you, is he?” She looked concerned.

He shrugged nonchalantly. “Not at all. He was my last face.”

She nodded, concern fading. “Yeah, well, I was so excited to see you again after other you told me it was impossible that I’m afraid I completely lost it and jumped past you.”

The Doctor looked at her curiously. “But he wouldn’t have been the right incarnation. Just a man wearing my name.”

Rose shrugged. “Didn’t matter, did it? I’d already gone through losing you once. I think I thought he might be a future regeneration but that was about the extent of my thought process.”

The Doctor nodded in understanding. “That doesn’t explain why you decided to snog all mes.” He continued.

“It was actually something you said that gave me the idea.”

“And what was that?” He asked, eyes sparkling in amusement.

“Do that again.”

“Do that again?” He parroted incredulously. “That’s all it took?” He was definitely amused now and Rose could practically see his head swelling before her eyes.

“When I got back to the para-” She stopped herself. “To where I live now, Torchwood tried to refine the device I use to find you so I could find my Doctor. They weren’t successful and gave it up as a bad job a few months in. Your request was the spark that got me thinkin’ about it but it was probably self-pity more’n anythin’ else that got me fixatin’ on it. The idea of havin’ to go through Doctor after Doctor until I got lucky with the timing was depressin’. So I thought, what if I could use those wrong times to pull one over on my Doctor? If I got lucky quickly well then, great an’ if took a longer than it just added to the size an’ complexity of my joke. An’ I suppose I wanted the bragging rights of being the companion who snogged every version of the Doctor. But the thing is, the more time I spend with different versions of you, the less sure I am that the ones I traveled with are who I want to stay with. Cape man was dashing, Scarf looked interesting and exotic, celery Ken seemed like a nicer, shyer version of my second Doctor an’ I really like you as well. I’m honestly not sure if I could just go back to being ‘just friends’ with my Doctor. I know I couldn’t go back to bein’ a girl who works in a shop an’ lives with her Mum in London.”

She looked down at her trainers, unable to face this Doctor who had kissed her and held her and comforted her.

“An’… Now I feel like I’m punishing you an’ all the Doctors I meet before my Doctor for something you haven’t even done yet!”

Rose kissed him again softly, gathering courage from his touch.

“I know I am and yet I continue to do it. To hurt more versions of the man I love.”

The Doctor pressed his mouth to the crown of her head before speaking again. “Rose, this practical joke you’re playing will have consequences. Do you have any idea what this skipping around my timeline to snog various mes means to a Time Lord?” When she shook her head he sighed in exasperation.

“It’s essentially the equivalent of courting me. On my world it is standard practice for the ‘first date’ as you humans would say to last decades if not a few hundred years. One of the first tests any Gallifreyan couple goes through is when one of them regenerates. You publicly claiming every version of me via snog is tantamount to proposing marriage. Which, quick frankly, is shocking considering you would normally never get past the ‘first date’ stage given your puny lifespan.”

Rose’s eyes widened. “Is that why-?”

He nodded. “Like having sex on the first date. Not exactly classy.”

“And that’s why you offered..?” He nodded again.

“You asked me how many regeneration I have? One cycle is twelve. Plus my original body of course, coming to a total of thirteen incarnations. I’m the sixth. Nearly halfway through my cycle and so far every one of my bodies have been claimed by you at least once. Even if you haven’t done it yet. That’s a very solid engagement if you ask me. So, the offer’s still open, possessive future selves or no.” He gave her his best ’I’m smug because I know more than you and I know it’ grin.

Rose stood there stock-still for a moment as she processed what he said. “…did you just propose to me?”

His grin widened. “Technically, you unknowingly proposed to me.”

She shot him a dirty look, grabbed him by his jacket and kissed him fiercely for a few minutes before promptly shoving him backwards off the railing into the murky depths of the river as she had been meaning to do all along.

He came up sputtering in indignation, blonde curls plastered flat to his head along with a few pond weeds.

Rose turned away deliberately, hips swaying in an exaggerated fashion and was just able to catch his last question before disappearing into the bustle of the street.

“Does that mean you accept?”


The Doctor dragged his soaked, mud covered frame back to the TARDIS. He knew this outfit was ruined but he did have another patchwork coat, albeit in shades of TARDIS blue. He freely admitted to himself that it suited his colouring better but his first coat had just been so attention grabbing! Everyone noticed it. Still, he was content enough that this coat was just as unique if not quite as neon.


Rose had finally made it to Jack’s place. After the usual propositioning (no thanks Jack, I don’t have natural immunity to just about any sexually transferable disease like you do. I was born in the 20th century not the 51st!) which Jack offered as a matter of course, she told him about searching for the Doctor and the prank she’d come up with.

Jack thought the idea was phenomenal and was only jealous he hadn’t thought of it first.

Then she told him about Six’s offer of sex.

“I still can’t believe you didn’t take him up on it, Rosie! He sounded hot. And you would be sleeping with the Doctor.” Jack sighed dreamily.

“Well, I was worried our Doctor would smash in all ‘Oncoming Storm’ and try to kill himself.” Rose defended.

“Still would’ve banged him. Imagine, going up in a paradox over the Doctor fighting himself for you. The only thing better then that is if he insisted on sharing the experience rather than trying to kill himself.”

Rose winced. “That’s wrong on so many levels.”

Jack just shrugged.

In the end, she decided not tell him about the marriage proposal. It really wasn’t Jack’s area of expertise anyway and she needed time to wrap her mind around the situation she had inadvertently gotten herself tied up in.

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The Doctor was currently teaching a gaggle of children (groups of children were called gaggles, right?) the drunken giraffe dance. They seemed to take to it like fish to water.

The adult guests of the wedding on the other hand, were treating him more aloofly. He still couldn’t believe the Ponds, his Ponds, were finally tying the knot! Still the party was nice even if the music was a bit loud and the guests thought he was strange and the Ponds’ best friend Mels wouldn’t leave him alone.

Suddenly a rather drunk blonde leapt on him (he assumed she was drunk, nearly everyone here was. Another reason the other partygoers thought him strange, this regeneration despised alcohol in just about any form). She giggled in his ear and straddled him firmly into the chair, using the position to start snogging him. Luckily all the children had been sent to bed at this point but still, it was a bit rude to suddenly start snogging someone you’d never met before without asking, wasn’t it? Even if she was a short, curvy blonde with warm eyes and a nice smile. And where did that thought come from? He hadn’t even gotten a good look at her with the dim lights and the snogging. Funny, she didn’t taste like alcohol. At least, not any kind he’d heard of on this planet.

He indulged her by wrestling tongues for a few minutes until she ran out of oxygen and released his mouth. She was pretty! She gave him a sort of happy, exhausted, tongue-touched smile, one hand resting on his cheek.

“What’s your name?” He asked curiously, not out of breath at all thanks to superior Time Lord biology.

“Rose.” She answered, grinning at him, cheeks flushed.

That tickled at edge of his brain, like it was something important he’d made himself forget. He mentally shrugged it off, if it was part of his forgotten memories then he was sure he’d had a good reason to forget it.

She gave him a final smooch on the lips and ran a hand through his hair before whispering in his ear.

“Take care, Doctor. I’ll be back before you know it.”

She flashed him one final, wolfish grin before leaping off his lap and jogging away. And was it just his imagination or did Mels glare at her jealously on her way out?

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Rose arrived just in time to catch sight of yet another version of the Doctor. She was facing his back but could see he had shoulder length, wavy brown hair and was wearing what looked like an Edwardian costume (not from the actual time period, just a costume).

He was exclaiming about something and looked like he was about to spontaneously kiss the random woman he was talking to.

Rose beat him to the punch by spinning him around to plant her own lips on his. He smelt oddly… perfumed. Normally he smelled of machine oil and plain soap and sweat and something vaguely exotic and finally something that reminded her of the smell of old books and dust which she suspected was the scent of time.

Now he smelt of Jasmine and oranges and cloves. But his kisses were soft and sweet and when she looked into his eyes they shone with recognition.

“Oh Rose, I love you.” He whispered, forehead leaning against hers. They both jumped at the awkward cough behind them.

“Ah, Rose, this is Dr. Grace Holloway. Grace, this is Rose.” He gestured expressively while speaking.

“Hello!” Rose greeted brightly, hoping the other woman wouldn’t get too upset about the Doctor’s sudden unavailability. Thankfully, Grace just smiled and returned the greeting, unperturbed by Rose’s sudden arrival.

Rose smiled at the woman before turning back to the Doctor to give him a farewell kiss on the cheek, trying to express her gratitude towards the other woman for not encroaching on the Doctor after learning he was off limits.

“Sorry Doctor, I’ve got to get home. Mum needs me to watch Tony this evening. Nice meetin’ you, Grace.”

She smiled apologetically at both of them before returning to the parallel universe, getting home just in time to avoid a Tyler row

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“Oh! Hello. Who are you?” Rose was speaking to a short brunette. She was standing near the Doctor so she was probably a companion.

“Sarah Jane Smith. Journalist.” The woman replied in clipped tones, holding her hand out in greeting. Rose felt her guard go up, eyes narrowing.

She put her hands on her hips in her best ‘Tyler bitch stance’. “I see. Do take care of that dog, you’ll need him.” Seeing her confused glance at the Doctor, her Doctor, she guessed it must be too early in the timeline for K9.

Deciding she was tired of sniping at Sarah Jane, Rose turned her attention to the Time Lord, posture softening.

Taking hold of his ridiculously long scarf she tugged him down to her height. Honestly, why didn’t any of his regenerations come out short enough to make this easy? Was it a given that Gallifreyans were all super tall?

Deciding to just ignore his rather gobsmacked companion Rose proceeded to thoroughly enjoy herself before pulling away, flashing the Doctor a dazzling smile and walking off cheerfully the way she’d come. As she got the Dimension Cannon ready for use, she could hear them arguing in the distance. ‘This was a fantastic idea,’ she thought, grinning to herself.


The technician who greeted her on her return had become more and more confused. Despite continuing to land in the wrong time zones, lately Rose had seemed to be flushed and happy rather than a bit depressed at each new failure. The technician shrugged. Whatever had caused her change in attitude, he was grateful for it. It saved him from having to advise she be replaced with someone less emotionally unstable. He had not been looking forward to having that conversation with the Head of Torchwood. Under normal circumstances he would have simply put up with it but this mission was too important to leave in the hands of incompetents.

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‘Finally! A Doctor who doesn’t tower over me!’ He wore question mark themed clothing and stood next to a girl in a tight ponytail and a puffy black jacket covered in patches.

Running up to him, she kissed him aggressively for a bit before gasping out, “yes.”

The girl looked at her suspiciously and reached into her pocket but the Doctor just shook his head at her.

After Rose had got one over Sarah Jane, the Dimension Cannon had developed a minor fault. In the week it had taken to fix, Rose had spent a lot of time looking after her little brother and thinking about the Doctor’s proposal. Realizing that yes, she did want to came as a bit of a shock surprisingly enough. It hadn’t even been her Doctor and yet she’d been about two minutes from just abandoning her mission, accepting his offer and traveling the stars with him.

She kissed the Doctor goodbye, smiled at his young companion and swanned off.


“Professor, who was she?” Girls didn’t just randomly make out with the time traveler. He wasn’t nearly good-looking enough for that.

The smile he gave her was much dreamier than usual. “That, Ace, was my fiancé.”

She blinked at him. “You’re joking.” She said in a monotone. “She’s way too hot for you.”

The professor just shrugged. “I used to be better looking. Come on, let’s see about getting to Orpheus 5.”

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“Hey Doctor?”

The Doctor just grunted between kissing her shoulder and neck.

“You’re gonna need to forget all this or somethin’.”

He looked up suddenly, silently waiting for Rose to elaborate.

“This you is the you I meet.” She gestured at his leather-clad form. “An’ I know you didn’t remember ‘cause you never responded to any of my invitations. An’ believe me, I wasn’t exactly subtle. Hell, you never even kissed me until right before you regenerated.”

“Did it ever occur to you that I might’ve just ignored them?”

Rose frowned for a moment, recalling the memories in question.

“Nah, you were completely clueless. I can still see your shock when Mum slapped you.”

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Rose looked at the manor in confusion. It wasn’t the one with the military party (which in retrospect sounded like UNIT). It looked more like a posh boarding school. Wondering if she might get the chance to stop an alien invasion again, she wandered around looking for the Doctor. At one point she passed a young black woman in a maid’s uniform who looked at her suspiciously but Rose assumed that was due to her clothes which didn’t exactly fit in during this time period.

She finally found him in his quarters after asking around about anyone going by the Doctor or possibly John Smith. He was staring at a small leather-bound journal and she noted in shock that she had finally found the right Doctor.

“Doctor..?” She asked hesitantly. The ripples of her meddling in his timeline would have surely caught up with him by now.

His head bobbed up and for a moment he seemed to recognize her, even mouthing ‘Rose’. Then his gaze clouded over again and he looked at her in surprise, taking in her futuristic outfit. “I’m sorry, I must have fazed out for a moment. What did you say?”

Rather than waste time on him while he was clearly under some kind of artificial amnesia she strode up to him, kissed him firmly and looked him in the eye. “I’m coming. It’s not impossible and I’m coming.”

The man only looked at her blankly. She sighed, kissed him gently on the forehead and left.

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Somehow, Rose knew this time was different. When she had traveled with her first Doctor, she had assumed he had been in the war he hated to talk about. Now she realized that might not be the case. He always talked about like it had happened to someone else. Like he had been someone else. And she could picture him doing it too, regenerating after he ended the Time War, desperately trying to distance himself from the atrocities he had seen and committed.

As she walked through the raging battle scene, she felt like the calm at the eye of the storm. Then she saw the body of a child no older than seven lying lifelessly to her left and the illusion shattered. She sprinted for the large building in front of her and didn’t look back. The building was ostentatious and futuristic. It was eerily quiet after the cacophony of outside, only periodic rumbles gave any clue to the never-ending battle.

Rose walked along the main corridor, wondering when she would bump into the Doctor. When she came to a massive pair of ornate doors she flung them open. Inside, what looked like some sort of war counsel fell silent at her abrupt entrance.

Standing out among the other Time Lords in his leather jacket and trousers was this version of the Doctor. She had been right. While reminding her of her first Doctor with prominent ears, short hair and similar clothing, he was older and tougher looking. His eyes didn’t hold the unparalleled grief yet but they looked weary.

Facing the disapproval of the Doctor’s people, Rose did what she always did in these awkward situations and gave the Doctor a snog like it was the last thing she’d ever do.

Before the rest of the Time Lords got over their shock enough to arrest her or ask her how she penetrated the Time Barrier, Rose smiled her special smile at the Doctor and triggered the Dimension Cannon.

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Rose looked at him with something like amazement. While every other Doctor had either seen her as a pleasant surprise or like they almost recognized her, this one just looked at her with polite disinterest.

He was the oldest physically, looking to either be in his seventies or eighties yet was paradoxically the youngest she’d ever met. He was bickering with a man and a woman while a cute teenager looked on anxiously.

She thought about just going up to him and engaging in a nice, platonic conversation. After all, she’d never had that with any of her Doctors since there was always some sexual tension. But that would ruin any chance of having the bragging rights of having kissed the whole set and besides, technically she was corrupting his youngest self!

So Rose took one look at the conversation, coughed, was ignored by everyone except the teenager and proceeded to interrupt in the most dramatic fashion possible.

Sauntering over and tapping him on the shoulder she waited just long enough for him to open his mouth (probably to ask what she wanted), before tripping him and catching him in a spectacular dip-kiss.

The Doctor seemed to go numb with shock for some time before starting to sputter and flail which was when she released him and pulled him to his feet.

When she dropped to her knees he hastily retreated, obviously concerned about what else the crazy blonde would do. Rose launched into a flowery spiel about how she had loved the Doctor ever since she had first laid eyes on him (an exaggeration, she had only wanted to bang him at first) and to beg his forgiveness for being a bit of a ditz about his people’s customs. After starting her monologue about his various virtues she was rudely cut off. Not by the Doctor, who was staring at her in a mixture of disbelief and incredulation, but by the teenager.

“I think you must be a bit confused. Grandfather has never met you before,” here she glanced at him for confirmation and continued when he gave a jerky nod, “and he couldn’t possibly be the ‘saviour of the universe’ because we haven’t been to half the planets you mentioned, let alone saved them from extinction, plague or inter-planetary war.”

Hearing her name for the Doctor, Rose’s face lit up. “Oh! So, you’re Arkytior? Nice to meet you!” She held out her hand which the girl took after looking at it uncertainly.

“How did you-? Never mind. I go by Susan, by the way.” Suddenly her face grew concerned. “You’re not from Gallifrey are you? If you’re here to take us back, know that I went on record that it was I who borrowed the TARDIS.”

Rose just smiled at Susan’s protective statement. “Oh no. I’m from here. Earth, I mean.” She glanced at her watch. “Look, not that it hasn’t been lovely meeting you Susan but I’ve got to go. Bye Doctor.” She gave him a flirty smile and triggered her device.

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If it hadn’t been for the fact that Rose already knew the Doctor had traveled with a young man in a kilt, she would have been inclined to mistake him for her fiancé. As it was, she relished the faraway expression on the Doctor’s face after their customary snogging and the look of outrage on the young woman’s. She was less happy however, about Jamie’s heartbroken expression. ‘Oh dear. He didn’t tell me the 18th century Scot had an unrequited crush on him.’

’Though, in retrospect,’ she thought after the Doctor had burst out in indignation over molesting him without permission, ‘maybe it wasn’t so unrequited after all.’

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‘By all the-.’ Oh, she was going to kill the next Doctor she got her hands on! Innocent past life or no.

He had left her, in the Parallel World, with a human clone spliced with Donna’s personality! And now he just seemed to expect her to pick up where she left off with him. Rose, who had spent years of her life searching for him!

Well, she wasn’t having any of that. Rose wasn’t Jackie Tyler’s daughter for nothing. She had her heart set on the Doctor and she was damn well going to get him not some pale, human imitation.

So, she had wiped the Metacrisis’s memories and dumped him back in 19th century England, where he had somehow managed to fall in love with someone while disguised as a human. The woman seemed overjoyed to see ‘her beloved John’ again and didn’t ask too many questions about the amnesia story she’d come up with. As far as Rose was concerned, she was welcome to him.

Chapter Text

“You damn,” Slap!

“insufferable,” Slap!

“Time Lord.” Slap!

“What were you thinking?! I searched for you for years! I made out,” She shoved him.

“With every ridiculous version of you!” She punched his shoulder.

“Hell, I even agreed to marry you! And yet,” Slap!

“you thought,” She poked him in the chest.

“that I,” Poke!

“would. Be. Satisfied. With,” Poke! Poke! Poke!

“a bloomin’ clone!” She glared at him.

This Doctor had the grace to look embarrassed. “I’m not proud of a lot of the things I’ve done in past regenerations. That coat for example.” He grimaced, trying to add levity to the situation.

Rose just glared, hands on hips à la Jackie Tyler. “At least he didn’t abandon me in another universe! In fact, if I remember right he actually invited me to travel with him which I declined for you.” Her expression softened slightly and she sighed, anger draining from her. She wrapped her arms around herself.

“What were you thinkin', Doctor?”

The Doctor met her gaze, prominent eyebrows furrowed in what seemed to be his default expression. “I… wanted you to be happy. To have a normal life with a normal man. Family, friends, little ones if you wanted. I wanted you to be with someone who would grow old with you and not live on for centuries after you had all but turned to dust. To have everything I could never give you… and I wanted you to have a choice.”

Rose started in surprise, what did he mean by that?

He continued on. “A choice to have all that or to choose not to and come back to me.” He smiled slightly. “If you had stayed with him, I wouldn’t have blamed you. In fact, for the longest time I assumed you had.”

The silly man in tweed and a bow tie suddenly made a horrible sort of sense.

“Oh Doctor…” She engulfed him in a hug, mumbling into his chest. “Are all Time Lords like this? No wonder courtship rituals last for centuries…”

Kissing him smartly on the mouth she added spontaneously, “let’s get married.”

He looked at her in alarm. “Right now?!”

Rose shrugged. “Why not? Technically, I’ve been courting you all your lives. Besides, I’m tired of waitin’.”

He kissed her forehead gently, lips barely brushing her skin. “All right. If you’re sure that’s what you really want.” He said softly.

“I do.” She confirmed.

He smiled again. “Not just yet. If we’re doing this, we’re doing this properly.”

Rose just hummed, snuggling against her fiance’s chest.

“…by the way, how are you even here? Counting the Metacrisis, you used up all your regenerations in your last body, right?”