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I Wanna be Known by You

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Kili stared up at the lights, tiny pricks of white that burned themselves into his retinas. He felt the cold settle in his chest, cold like he had never known and the oddly sluggish sound of his own blood in his ears, the distantly wrong beat of his heart.

He registered the lights were starting to flicker and he was losing sight of large chunks of them at the roof of his vision. The cold had spread and he could almost feel warm from it, strange tingling where the cold was the worst starting to feel like heat again. The last of the lights blurred and he felt his eyelashes against his frozen cheek. Odd, that he could feel that and not the moisture at his back.

Something touched him, burned like fire licking over his arm and an earthquake moved him, his dry lips pulled into a smile because even God could not wake him.


 

Fili had never been so afraid in all his life. After finally, finally having a break from classes to come home he had not found the solace of family he thought he would. His bag sat by the front door where it had fallen and his mother's slap still stung against his cheek as he hurried to find a flashlight. He knew she hadn't meant that, she was as afraid as he was.

It was still surreal, like a dream, the words Thorin had said.

"Kili's runaway to die."

The blonde would-be-prince's tongue felt heavy as he asked, "What are we facing Uncle? What has Kili been doing?"

"Heroine, Ecstasy, Cocaine, Meth, Ori's Adderall...Fili he's done it all. I found his stash last week, we were suppose to take him to the rehabilitation center tomorrow but he's disappeared. I found his phone and read his messages, he met someone yesterday with an agreement to buy and buy a lot.  He left a note on his bed, it's for you."

Thorin held the paper out but Fili shook his head, popping batteries into the flashlight, "I'll read it when my brother is safe."

His uncle sighed and tucked the note safely in his jacket pocked, "You should've left things as you did."

The blonde had no response for that as he pulled open the door, search and rescue was already out looking but no one knew Kili like he did. He made brief eye contact with Thorin who was staying behind to manage the search from home and shut the door against his accusing glare. He didn't feel any anger, he knew Thorin was right; if Kili died tonight it was on his shoulders.


"Fee! C'mon where are you?" Kili's laughing call came from the living room and Fili rolled his eyes, a fond smile crossing his lips as he answered his brothers call, a call he believed he would always answer.

"I'm right here, calm down." The elder brother answered, slipping an arm around Kili's waist, "Now what do you want goblin?"

Kili thwacked his shoulder, too Dis' amusement as she and Thorin joined them. Fili raised an eyebrow at the lot of them, gathering always meant news and from the grins around them he was the odd one out this time.

"Alright, spit it out you lot." He grumbled, seeing Kili's jittery excitement starting to boil over.

"Well the mail came...and you might have gotten rather a lot." Thorin's eyes sparkled as he handed over a small pile of envelopes. Fili groaned, he knew what this was, the responses to all of his applications. He'd applied to god only knew how many universities, most of which were close enough to home for both him and Kili's comfort and few which were a little further. He took a deep breath and sat down, Kili's laughter helping him keep a leash on his nerves.

"Well open them!" His mother exclaimed and he laughed at that, handing half the stack off to his brother as they started.

"Dartmouth said no!" Kili crowed, sounding a bit too happy but Fili laughed along with him, Dartmouth had been for shits and giggles, besides it was too far away from their cozy home in Oregon.

"University of Alaska: Fairbanks said yes." Fili said, looking at Kili with a small smile, it was agreed that if he really wanted to go there Kili would come stay in the summers as there were a lot of great ways to earn money in the summer.

They continued like this for a while, with yes being a more common answer from the places in California and other, closer states than no. They were laughing over the polite decline from BYU after Fili told them exactly what he had put in his application for them when Fili heard and felt Kili's laughter choke off.

He turned to his brother, brow furrowed and glanced at the letter in his hand, the Cambridge symbol in the corner renewed his laughter as he was sure they had said no. He leaned over and kissed Kili lightly and reached for letter, intending to add it to the trash pile but Kili pulled it away.

"Well I'll just take all of these." He announced, sounding a bit strained and garnering odd looks from their mother and uncle, as he gathered up the trashed letters and turned for the kitchen trash.

Fili shrugged it off and began looking over his options excitedly, chatting with his uncle about finances and snuggling up next to a much calmer Kili when his brother returned.

 

Late that evening Fili wandered into the kitchen for a small snack and some water, Kili was asleep upstairs as Kiki's Delivery Service played in their room. He groaned when he opened the cabinet and saw the granola bars were on the top shelf again, he hated it when Thorin put the groceries away as his uncle tended to forget only Kili was tall enough to reach the same shelves. Leaned against the counter he managed to brush the box.

Swearing he climbed on the counter top and snagged them, taking one and placing them on the proper shelf. He slid down happily and then frowned as a loud thunk sounded behind him, turning around he cursed again, the toaster had snagged on his shorts and fallen into the trashcan.

Grumbling he reached in and shifted the papers around to pull it out, a few of the rejection letters caught in the top. He plucked them out easily, settling the toaster back in place when he once again noticed the Cambridge logo.

He snorted, wondering what the Brits had written when they'd told him, "Sorry but no."

He smoothed the paper out and with a sardonic smile started to read. The smile slid off his face in a second.

"M. Fili Durin,

We would like to extend out congratulations on your acceptance to Cambridge University. Enclosed you will find information regarding your scholarship information and the start of term requirements...."

Fili felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. Kili knew he'd gotten in, had tried to hide it from him. Logically Fili knew it was ridiculous to feel so betrayed, he hadn't told Kili that it wasn't one of his jokes, he seriously had thought about going, if he could manage to pay for it and provided they accepted, which he had very sincerely doubted they would.

He knew too that Kili hadn't told him because it was across an ocean and Kili couldn't follow him there until after he was done with high school. It was so far to try and stretch their relationship, they'd never been apart more than a week or two at a time and Cambridge would mean months even years if they were unlucky.

All of that paled in realization that Kili had tried to hide it from him. He dug through the trash for the envelope and pulled out the other information including the guarantee of a scholarship willing to pay 10,000 Euros. That left him paying roughly 5500 dollars for the first year, that was less than all of the other universities he had been accepted too. He felt dizzy and mildly ill as he processed how real of a chance he had and how Kili had tried to hide it. 

Angry and hurt Fili stormed upstairs and made the biggest mistake of his short life.


 

Now, nearly ten months later he was paying for the fight that had happened and all the things he'd said that he wished he could've taken back. All the horrible things he had called Kili. He thought things were okay again though, they'd repaired at least some of their brotherhood and been emailing and texting again recently although the pain of their deeper love was still there. Now he realized how wrong he was and he half-sprinted through the forest near their home, calling out his brothers name.

It was darker now and he had already looked in most of the places Kili used to hide, that left only one other place and it was so far that Fili felt fears grip tighten, he wouldn't make it in time. He ran up a half remembered trail, slipping and falling in the snow that had covered the ground, snow that should've made it easier to find his brother but didn't.

Finally he saw the rock that marked he was nearing the clearing where Kili had shot his first deer and Fili felt hope bubbling as he raced past it.

There, in against the snow was a shape too dark to be a shadow and too small to be a deer, the flashlight illuminated a pair of dark eyebrows and elegant nose, paler than it should be. He knelt down, barely registering the wet that immediately seeped through his pants and he grasped his brothers shoulders and shook, hard. Kili smiled but there was no other response.

Pain lanced Fili's throat and he distantly registered someone screaming his brothers name, maybe search and rescue had found them. Minutes later Bofur and Dwalin burst through the trees and rushed to them, Dwalin checked Kili's vitals and picked him up, carrying him away.

Fili's eyes were glued to the retreating paramedics frame as he stood to follow, only to feel the pressure of Bofur's hands on his shoulders, holding him in place. A sharp stinging flash across his cheek again, jarring him back to reality. It registered that the screaming of Kili's name, screaming that had gone on and on even after the paramedics had shown up was his, that his voice was hoarse and his throat was raw.

Quieting Fili looked at Bofur, "My fault. All my fault. I failed him."

"No lad, you found him." The usually cheery man answered in a low tone, his brows scrunching as Fili swayed and shook his head, "No...I...." and Fili passed out in the snow.

 

 

Chapter Text

Heroine.

Fili had scoffed at the word and at the sometimes shaking junkies with track marks that would pass him by on the streets in the evenings. Now looking at Kili laying in a hospital, his system slowly recovering from fatal amounts of the drug, he wondered how he had never seen it for the evil it was.

He himself had woken up in his own bed, Bofur had carried him home and informed Dis and Thorin of the nights events. Both his mother and his uncle had been gone when he’d woken and Bofur had been with him, pressing warm tea into his hands as soon as he could sit up.

“You nearly gave yerself hypothermia out there, ya need this to get all the way warmed.”

Fili had been greatful for the tea but a part of him wondered if he should’ve just laid down and let the elements take him, after all he would deserve it.

Bofur had taken his hands and given him a searching and serious look, “Yer brother needs ya, now more’n ever, ya can’t hide from that need Fili.”

The blonde nodded to that and swallowed, “I’ll never leave him again, I can’t believe I was so stupid…whatever’s happened to him is on me, it’s up to me to fix it.”

Bofur took a slow breath, “No lad, you…well you’re leavin’ hurt him, that’s sure. He hurt himself more though and he kept hurtin’ himself, even after you started talkin’ to him again. He said that he didn’t deserve you, that he hoped you never came back so he wouldn’t shame you again. This is not just you leavin’, it’s him feelin’ guilty because he lied to you.”

Fili’s heart had squeezed at that and standing beside Kili’s bed, holding his hand gently that squeezing turned to a strangle hold. Bofur didn’t know the horrible words he’d thrown at Kili the night he decided to go, he didn’t know all that had passed between them in the months before either.

Fili softly ran his thumb over Kili’s cheek, “Please…Kee, wake up soon. I need to make this right.”

He touched a single shaky finger to his brother’s lips and turned away. He had to go home, there was another conversation waiting, others who needed him to explain. He looked back at Kili, no, he can’t stay despite how much he wants to. A sigh, his footsteps and the click of the door.

….

His mother is sitting in the living room, her favorite chair vacant as she is sitting on the floor, organizing. Thorin is standing near the hearth, his pipe in his hand but not lit as he stares into the cold fire place. Fili shuts the door softly and they both glance in his direction, his uncle’s deep timbre greets him first.

“Nice of you, to go see him. We’re glad you’re home.”

It is stiff but there is an underlying warmth still and FIli takes hope from that. Normally he would find it a major affront, his own family being so cold, but under the circumstances he feels it is kinder than what he deserves.

He offers a tilt of his head to Thorin and sits in front of his mother, looking down at the photographs spread in front of her, years of him and Kili, hardly any of them apart. “Amad…” he begins, the native word settling on his tongue the same way coming home sits on his shoulders.

She looks at him, her soft brown gaze so like Kili’s it makes the blonde’s heart clench. “My Fee.”

And then she is touching his face, her hands gentle and caressing, no words but the low hum of his favorite lullaby. He falls against her without resistance and his shoulders loosen, his heart seems to finally let go too. The cold partial shock fades and he grasps Dis’ shirt and sobs.

She doesn’t speak until his tears are used up and he is just making small hiccupping sounds. “We know it’s not your fault, Kili’s always been on the wire and the scale just…tipped. If it wasn’t you I’m sure something would have happened anyways, better that it be something we can fix. He needs you to help put him back together.”

She stroked his cheek again, where she had slapped him in those first frantic moments, “I was afraid, for you both. Don’t let this stand between the love you have always held for each other. My boys….”

Dis pressed a kiss to his forehead and slowly released him, her concerned gaze burning into him. Fili nods, “I’m okay” is a bit raspy but it does the trick and she relaxes.

He focuses again on the memories scattered about and smiles at a picture of baby Kili resting in his arms, he touches the surface fondly and searches for more. The first memories he has involve the tiny babe and sometimes he forgets that he existed so long before Kili’s light joined him. Another picture startles him and he lifts it, a laughing man has a tiny baby in his arms. It is not Thorin but it almost could be and he recognizes he is looking at Frerin, which makes the baby him.

He sighs and sets the photo down, his second uncle would know what to say now, how to help, but Frerin has been gone for years now, vanished at sea. It is strange to look at the photograph now, strange to be so calm when he feels like his insides are screaming at him to do something.

“Frer…how he loved you and how he would’ve loved Kili.” Dis strokes the photo softly and Fili watched her face settle into a small smile.

“He would’ve dragged you two into the house and sat you down with tea and made you stop being so damned hardheaded that first day. I wish I had more of him in me sometimes, but I know that even know you can have that talk with your brother. Gods know I wish I’d have been given the chance to have another chat with Frer.” She patted his hands and gives him a slight jerk of her chin in the direction of Thorin.

Fili takes the hint and goes to his uncle, wrapping his arms around the man, “I’m sorry Uncle, I’m sorry I almost took him from you too.”

He knows that Thorin has always said Kili was his brother re-born, so much like Frerin he sometimes called out the wrong name for dinner. Fili was bitter about that once but had long since let go, realizing that he himself was a reflection of Thorin.

Thorin’s arms release the last of his tension as they wind around him, giving him a firm squeeze and he can smell the smoky, brisk scent that has followed his uncle all his life.

“You’re home now Fee and you always will be. Now I can practically feel you trying not to run out the door, go back to him, wait, you’ll be welcome back.”

The blonde took a deep breath, he forgot how it felt, the love and understanding that flowed here and he wondered at his wanting to run away from it. He pressed another kiss to his mother’s cheek and left for the hospital, for Kili.

 

Chapter Text

"I've got two faces, blurry's the one I'm not"


 

The hospital was not his favorite place but he knew he needed to be with Kili for both their sakes and the state he’d left his brother in had been too painful not to be checked in on. He found his way to Kili’s room again, checking in with the nurse who just nodded at him to go in and told him not to worry about visiting hours.

He let it slide as a family exception and went in to see Kili. The tubes were still there but he felt a jolt go through him, Kili was awake.

“Fi-li” his voice was rough but there and Fili approached him carefully, unsure where they stood.

“You’re here? I thought…I thought you were never going to come home. I thought you never wanted to see me again?” Kili’s voice was small and confused, hurt by the tube they’d initially forced in his throat to help him breath.

Fili touched his hand briefly, “Of course I’m here. I came back to see you and when I found you out in the forest…I thought I’d lost you. Kee why? When did you…?” He trailed off and simply gestured helplessly.

Kili frowned, “I don’t wanna talk about it.” He coughed a bit and Fili reached for the call button but Kili held up his hand. “N-no.”

The elder sunk into the chair next to the bed and looked at Kili expectantly but his brother wasn’t forthcoming. He reached for Fili’s hand eventually and Fili took it.

“I can’t talk about…it’ll make my heart get all weird. Fee, I don’t know when I’ll be able to explain.”

Fili’s brow furrowed, he understood Kili didn’t want the nurses to come and was worried his heart rate jumping would bring them but he wanted, desperately to know. He let it go though and searched for another topic. Kili found it for him.

“How was the trip?”

Fili barked a laugh, the question was so mundane and everything about his return home thus far had not been. “It was fine, bit of turbulence but nothing I couldn’t handle.”

A slight smile touched Kili’s lips and silence lapsed again, but less tense than it had been, just the two of them sitting quietly together uncertain of what to say.

It was strange, all their lives conversation had come easy, they’d never had anything to dance around and when they weren’t talking they were comfortable in each other’s presence. Fili swallowed the fear that he had ruined that relationship forever.

A shift let him know that Kili wanted to say something but was unsure and he felt a tiny flash of relief that at least he could still read his brother.

“I didn’t ask in my emails…was there anyone over there?”

The question hangs in the air and Fili feels a hot coal in his stomach as he shakes his head.

“How could there be? I was angry and I was wrong when I left. I made a mistake in trying to end things between us, I could barely breath without you near me at first and the ache never really went away. I never looked at anyone else.”

He tries to meet Kili’s eyes, expecting some form of relief in them but Kili is staring at his lap and Fili has an unpleasant moment of insight. “For you?”

His voice is careful, controlled and too quiet. He is glad that he is good at holding a poker face when Kili nods slowly. Their eyes meet finally and Kili gives him a real answer.

“Too many, I don’t even remember all their names. You called me a disgusting whore before you left and I decided I’d show you what that meant. You said I was only with you because you were the nearest thing with a dick when I hit puberty and I had to prove you wrong, I had to make it clear I didn’t only want you because it was easy, because you were there. I know you said it because you were angry and trying to hurt me but…hey I found out that I Really like sex.”

Fili reeled, he remembered those words but for Kili to have taken them like this, to have done….but Kili wasn’t done.

“You said I seduced you so I figured I must be pretty good at it, I started sneaking out, I went to places where they don’t check ID’s like they should and I bent over in the bathroom for anyone I could lead off the floor. I wasn’t totally stupid at first but I made mistakes once I got cocky. I woke up in the back of a car with three guys once, Ma thinks I was wasted at a friends that whole time. Took me two days to get away, to get home.”

Kili laughs and the brother that Fili first found is a faint shadow overlaying this man, this broken and hurt being with his lovers face.

“You ruined me. If you’d have just been angry, just left….that might’ve been better. You had to go and ruin everything between us first though. You had to make our relationship sick, me messing with your head, Ma and Thorin were too close to us to see it you said, I was a manipulative little slut you said. I ruined your life, I wasn’t good enough to be with you, I was a liar and a traitor and if we were brothers you’d cut me out of your veins. Do you remember Fili? Do you remember what you were doing when you said those things?”

The chair has long been abandoned, Fili sitting on the floor beside the bed, tethered there by the hold Kili has on his hand. He wants to run because, no, he doesn’t remember all of the fight, some of it is crystalline but a frightening chunk, the one Kili described it seems, is gone. Black spots. If he focuses he can remember pressing on something, fast and hard movement, Kili’s hands pushing at him. A pounding sound that he assumes was Thorin and Dis trying to get to them but that’s it.

Kili must see his answer in his eyes because he tells him, in a hiss that distorts his face and leaves Fili running from the room to vomit.

“You were holding me down, your hands around my throat. I never told, I thought I deserved it, I’ve made me deserve it.” You were inside of me Fili. You were trying to kill me while you fucked me into the mattress and I couldn’t even cry out.”

 

Chapter Text

Knowledge has never burned before, never burned and festered sending all thought down one painful path. A path so very dark and unfathomable to Fili and one that he still cannot remember.

He pukes until there is nothing but bile left, the burn in his throat is nothing to the one in his heart, to the screaming in his head. He wants to make it right but he doesn’t know if he can, doesn’t know how to make right his own monstrous actions.

Going back to Kili’s room is like walking himself through the gates of hell. He takes a slow breath, the tang of sick on his tongue still and enters the room. A nurse is bent over Kili, checking something and the brunette looks so worn, so tired. Fili knew he couldn’t run, he needed to at least say a quick goodbye to Kili before he left for some air.

The nurse stepped back and Fili filled the space she’d been in, he didn’t try to touch Kili now. Kili who was oddly normal despite what he’d revealed, what he’d been through at Fili’s hand.

“You alright Fee?”

Fili nodded, swallowing hard, “Fine. I just need to go for a little while, get some air. Talk to Thorin and Ma about some things.”

Nodding in understanding Kili’s eyes closed, “’Kay, I’m going to get some sleep while you’re out.”

 


 

 

As soon as Kili’s body relaxed, he ran from the room, down the stairs and outside where he slowed and took deep gasping breaths. How could he have done this?

He squeezed his eyes closed trying desperately to remember the actual moment but nothing new came to him. Shaking he made his way to the car, mechanically driving back to his mother and uncle, who were surprised to see him so soon.

“Fili, honey what’s happened? Sit down.”

Dis sounded frightened and the blonde fought to breath normally, wondering why his arms ached so much now. He spared a glance down and detachedly noticed he was bleeding. He realized with the same distance that when he’d scratched an itch he hadn’t stopped.

“I just….what do you remember of my fight with Kili before I left?”

Dis and Thorin glanced at each other, Thorin stood and left the room. “Well it was rather…bad. You screamed horrible things at him in the morning and we had to clear the guest room for you, I’m sure you remember it better than we do, I tried to forget a lot of what was said. Kili was devastated, but I do remember him calling you awful things as well.”

Fili swallowed, “I remember the morning, what did he call me? what about the night before?”

Thorin returned with a first aid kit and started working on Fili’s scratched up arms.

“The night before? Is that when you found out? It was quiet, we didn’t hear anything unusual…He, well he called you a rapist for sleeping with your younger brother, there were other things as well but that was the worst. Why?”

Closing his eyes and anticipating the reaction he spoke aloud what he was still trying to deny.

“Kili was awake when I went back, he said that I raped him that night, that I tried to strangle him.”

There was silence, absolute and shocked. Fili opened his eyes and looked at the horrorstruck faces before him, Thorin who was frozen in shock, one hand holding a cloth and his mother who was blinking slowly.

“I’ll leave. I’ll turn myself in right now, the police station isn’t too far. Tell Kili I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

He started to stand and Thorin seemed to be shaken from his shock, “No. Fili…there were no marks on Kili’s neck when you started arguing the next morning. We had to take him to the hospital remember? When you were fighting you broke his rib and we thought he broke your wrist too and you were both bleeding so much….The doctor would’ve noticed if he’d been strangled. You love him Fili, I don’t believe it for a moment.”

Dis leaned forward slowly, nodding along with Thorin’s words. “Fili. There’s something you need to understand…Kili’s reality is skewed, it’s all wrong now. He might honestly believe that happened but look at the facts. If we didn’t hear anything how would he have survived, why wouldn’t he have come and woken us? I don’t doubt you had some words that night but it’s clear that the issue escalated in the morning.”

Fili nodded slowly, “If I’d wanted to kill him…I would’ve.” He curled in on himself, sitting back in the chair and ignoring the sting of his arms. “I could’ve….Oh god.” He began to sob, head pressed to his knees.

Thorin and Dis shared a look, they knew what life with Kili had been like and so couldn’t imagine what it was like for Fili to just now be walking into the mess of it.

Thorin wrapped his arms around Fili carefully and Dis stroked through his hair with soft hands, “My little lion, deep breaths darling.”

 

Slowly they managed to calm Fili down and get him to uncurl so Thorin could wrap his arms. His uncle worriedly kissed his forehead, something he had not done since Fili was a child, and left for the hospital himself.

Dis set a cup of warm tea in front of the blonde and quietly explained to him that they had noticed Kili’s lies starting several months before.

“The worst part is that when I called him on it, he either didn’t remember saying it or he believed it himself. He is delusion, at least to some degree and I don’t know what to do for him. Fili you must know that it isn’t true, you were there.”

Fili’s fingers tap the table and his gaze flicks to his mother, “I don’t remember. There’s this big black spot of that night on my memory…I don’t know how to get it back….”

Before his mother can offer comfort he stands, “Maybe being in the room will help.” He tells her and hurries up the stairs to the room he and Kili had been sharing. It’s a mess, Kili’s broken state displayed in the disaster that had previously been a mildly cluttered but warm space.

 

The lamp is broken and the bed a wreck, the posters are torn and Fili swallows hard when he sees a photo of the two of them torn in several pieces on the floor.

“Oh Kee…” He closes his eyes for a moment and kneels on the bed. He presses his own memory, the only thing new is the walk from the kitchen to the bedroom, the sight of Kili sleeping with a curl of his hair shifting with his soft breathing.

To have that moment back…Fili bites his tongue hard enough to make himself bleed. He thinks he understands why Kili turned to drugs, Fili had his studies, his anger to keep him going. All Kili had was the pain and Fili’s words hurled at him. Fili may not remember the specifics, like Kili calling him a rapist, but he knows Kili does.

He flops down unto the bed and feels something hard poke him in the stomach. It’s a small case and he flips it open to find a syringe.

He doesn’t know if it’s because he wants to know what Kili felt like, if it’s because he wants to run, or if it’s because deep down he believes that he is dirty, a man who raped his little brother, but he turns the lock on the door.

With no previous experience Fili struggles for a moment but eventually he figures it out and empties the syringe into his body, allowing it to drop he lays back and waits.

Being his first ever hit, it doesn’t take long before he feels the high, a strange feeling that lets him soar and he thinks sluggishly that Kili’s addictions make sense. How could something so wonderful be bad?

He barely manages to hold on to the thought that he has to know as he tries to focus enough to think back to their fight. His mother’s voice calling his name and the rattle of the doorknob fade as he submerges himself in the memory.

 


 

 

Fili is standing over a sleeping Kili, movie credits rolling in the background. He is shaking Kili awake and the brown eyes that blink open are soft, unexpecting, until they meet his and widen with fear, guilt.

“Fee?”

“I found the acceptance letter. I thought Cambridge was just a dream but they said yes and you…you hid it from me, didn’t even give me the chance to say no.”

Kili is scrambling backwards up their bed, Fili is grabbing his arms tightly.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Fee you’re hurting me! I just didn’t want you to go so far, I knew you wanted to go to London, I’m sorry I was afraid of losing you!”

Fili feels his hands relax but he still is holding Kili and he shakes him slightly as he speaks.

“Fee, please just calm down I didn’t mean to hurt you…I-“

The memory is hazy, it goes quickly, a few exchanges and he realizes he has calmed down. Kili is kissing him and they are stripping.

Distantly he thinks that this is not what Kili described and forces himself to refocus.

“You won’t go will you?”

Kili is asking, looking up at Fili as he is stretched on the blonde’s fingers. Fili feels his nostrils flare and he leans down and whispers “Kee, don’t try to manipulate me, don’t.”

Kili doesn’t take the hint, instead he moans and pushes Fili’s hand away. As soon as Fili is inside him he crosses his legs behind Fili’s back and smiles at him playfully, any other argument and Fili would be amused, would take the teasing. This time it is too far.

“You won’t leave this will you?” Kili laughs.

Fili feels his anger spike and he spits, “You’re a manipulative slut aren’t you.” He doesn’t give Kili the gentle treatment he usually does and Kili’s eyes are wide as he pounds into him.

Fili slips a finger in Kili’s mouth and Kili tries to bite him. Fili growls at him and grips his hip tightly, shifting the angle.

The memory wraps around him and he watches Kili start to cry.

He doesn’t stop but he does slow some, “Kili we promised not to lie to each other! You’re trying to keep me close so desperately….Kee it’s not healthy, don’t make this a dependent thing. Distance might be good for us.”

Fili slows to his normal very soft pace and touches Kili’s cheek carefully, Kili who is crying still.

“Fili please…hurts.” He whimpers but Fili kisses his tears.                                                  

“I’m going and I want you to drop the subject.” He eases out of Kili’s body, not caring that they are not done, it’s not right anyways. He drops his head to Kili’s shoulder and whispers.

“Were you not my brother…If I could I’d cut our shared blood out of my veins. I love you too much.”

 


 

 

The sound of his mother crying pulls him back to the bedroom, to the sight of his mother’s tears as she shakes him and calls his name.

“Ma? Sorry…I.” He cannot finish. He remembers and while it is not what Kili said it is still…not forgivable.

He knows why of course, he was so angry that he didn’t think, didn’t listen to Kili. He knows that Kili probably believes his version of events, they are not entirely different after all.

He looks at his poor mother and he still feels the race of Herione.

“Ma, I’ll be okay. Let me sleep and then I’ll talk?”

Dis glares at him and says nothing but she leaves and he takes it as acceptance before he curls in on himself and lets the stupor take him.

Chapter Text

I need your help to

Take him out


 

Tauriel is on the doorstep when Fili pulls it open. He is in his sweats and a loose shirt, a cup of tea in hand after his conversation with Thorin and Dis. It had taken far too long to explain to them why he'd felt the need to try herione and what he'd remembered. They'd both pointed out that he had still made mistakes and he knew the discussion wasn't over.

The red head before him went from polite and concerned to nostril-flaring anger as she took him in.

"Oh great, you're back. Come to fuck him up further?"

She shouldered her way past him into the house and Fili resigned himself to another day of confrontations before he went to go see Kili again.

"Tauriel-"

"No! Don't you sigh at me and look at me with those pitiful blue eyes. I don't know what you've learned about since you got back and I guess I should thank you for finding him that night, but honestly, I don't fucking want to. You screwed him up good Fili. I don't care if you're back for good and you've decided to come and love him and put him together. You're not doing it without some very serious therapy first. Rehab for Kili and then therapy for the both of you until I say you're both alright again."

Fili gritted his teeth as she reamed him, her voice loud and harsh, before he managed a response.

"For what it's worth, I am back to help him and because I realized what a stupid asshole I'd been pretty quickly. I didn't know he was so bad or I'd have come back for those breaks...I even agree with you on the therapy thing. Why though, are you the one who gets to determine when Kili and I are okay?"

She pushed air out of her nose and glared at him while he set his tea down and crossed his arms.

"I get to say because I'm it's the field I graduated in? Drug and Relationship therapy studies and I know you better than than anyone else who might be qualified to say. I'm too close to the situation to be your therapist though, so I'll recommend someone and drop by to make sure you go. Am I clear?"

Fili gave her a sharp nod, still having to bite his tongue at the tone she was using and the sharp glare of her green eyes.

"Good, is Dis here?"

He pointed her toward the kitchen and took a seat, unwilling to spend more time in her company while she was being so confrontational. He picked up his half-drank tea and took a sip, contemplating things. It was a good idea to go to therapy and he took a deep breath, feeling a sort of relief at the idea of getting professional help for the problems between Kili and himself, and for the things that ran a little deeper. He had admitted to himself while he was gone that part of the issue between Kili and him was his lingering guilt and uncertainty about sleeping with his younger brother. He knew that Kili was a more than willing participant in their relationship and they had worked hard to be their own people and do normal couple things with their mother and uncle's support but there was still a weight in his stomach he'd never addressed.

He was dragged from his introspection as Tauriel came back into the room, she had a gentler expression as she plopped down on the couch beside him. He tensed up for a moment but she pulled his arm toward her and cuddled up to him, her chin on his shoulder and her long legs tucked under her. It was a familiar position, Tauriel tended to be tactile with Kili and often Fili as well...or she had been before he'd left. It was good to see that despite her anger she was still his friend. He pressed his cheek to her hair as they sat in companionable silence for a time.

"Are you going to see Kili?" Tauriel asked.

"I planned to this afternoon...it's hard since he's so lost touch with what's real. You should come with me, it would be good for him I think, to just have friend time."

She nodded to him and picked nonexistent lint off his shirt.

"I'll come. I know that this is hard on you and I'm sorry I was so harsh. I've not forgiven you, but Fili...you're one of my best friends, even after all this time and I want you to be happy again."

Fili offered her a small smile, "I know Tauri. I know."

 

They visited Kili together over the next days, talking with him and making him laugh. The three of them ended up piled on the hospital bed crying after that first visit and things had eased from there. He seemed more or less himself for much of that time but there were moments when he was bitter and angry with them for things that had either never happened or had happened so differently than he remembered that they had no defense. It was several weeks after that first night that Kili was formally released from the hospital. Fili had intially been worried about sharing a home with him again but Dis informed him he was going to a rehab facility immediately after his release.

He was both saddened and relieved as he sat in the backseat of Thorin's car, Kili curled in his arms and Tauriel on his other side. The drive was supposed to take a couple of hours since the idea was to get Kili away from previous influences. They would discuss a possible move for everyone after a time Fili guessed.

Kili shifted a little, his breath ghosting over Fili's throat and Fili relished the feel of his brother whole and alive in his arms.

"I don't want to have to talk to therapists Fee."

He mumbled the words against Fili's skin and the blonde sighed softly.

"I know Kee...but I'll be going to therapy too, yours is just a little more intense for a while you know?"

Kili sighed and looked out the window, sitting up so he was just pressed to Fili at the shoulder. Tauriel remained quiet but she pushed her own shoulder against Fili's a little more as they waited for Thorin and Dis.

"I know. I...thank you guys. I'm sorry I'm such a fuckin' mess. I know somethings really broken upstairs with me and I'm really glad you both are putting up with my shit anyways. Hopefully there's at least a hot nurse to write home about huh?"

Kili grins at them, even if it is strained and they both laugh as Thorin finally gets in the car, followed shortly by Dis who hands them each a wrapped cookie. Fili feels like a kid again as he takes a bite of his, sandwiched between Kili and Tauriel even though he is the broadest of the three of them by far, it's like the many trips they took as kids together. He watches the way Kili's mouth opens as he laughs aloud as Tauriel makes jokes at Fili's expense and a rightness settles over him.

When they reach the austere building Fili presses a soft kiss to Kili's lips, startling a gasp from him and a scowl from Tauriel.

"Go love, get better in there while I try to out here. I'll be waiting Kee."

Kili gives him a sincere smile before he hugs Tauriel tightly. Fili gives him one more tight hug and Kili salutes them both.

"This is Alice to mission control, I'm headed out of wonderland. Over."

The brunette imitates talking into a microphone, winks at the two of them and turns to walk inside with Dis and Thorin. Fili gives him a last wave before leaning against the car. Tauriel leans beside him, pulling a pack of cigarettes out and laughing as Fili raises an eyebrow.

"Shut up. The smell reminds me of ada and if there was ever a day to have a smoke, it's today."

She offers him one and he takes it and the lighter she holds out after lighting her own. The first inhale burns but he pushes past it as he stares up at the place where his brother will live for a time. It's not as severe as he first thought and he hopes Kili will get the help he needs here. Fili himself has an appointment with Legolas Greenleaf, a psychologist Tauriel met in her graduate program, when they get back home. For the roller coaster life has been since he arrived back home things are straightening out rapidly enough and he is glad to start helping himself.

When Thorin returns with a teary Dis the four of them hug tightly and Dis nods.

"Alright. Home kiddos."

Tauriel laughs and Fili see's the tears in the red-heads eyes. He smiles and rubs his palm over Thorin's arm in a reassuring gesture before getting in the car and leaving the building behind, for now.


 

It takes time for them to heal, Fili spends most of the time Kili is in rehab working with his hands, building things and going to sessions with Legolas to work through his issues around Kili and his relationship. Legolas is an ass fairly often but Fili comes to realize that's what the blonde thinks he needs, someone crass and forceful to get him to tell himself the truth and Fili learns that Legolas is right. The day Kili is supposed to come home Fili stays behind, Tauriel is going to pick him up with Thorin and DIs and she tells Fili on her way out, "You've got a ways to go but...you're alright if he is to take things slowly."

He agrees with her there, very slowly. He steals himself and sits on the couch, thinking over what Legolas and he talked about, his need to protect Kili and the conflicting things that social situations pressed on him. He was glad they had gone over so much of why incest was taboo and how he and Kili were outside of most of it. It was helping immensely and he was coming to accept things that he previously hadn't.

The front door opened and Fili stood as Kili stepped in, his hair longer and his frame a little fuller than it had been when they'd dropped him off. There was no hurt in his eyes as he looked at Fili with a wide smile. They didn't say anything for a moment before Kili rocked on his heels.

"So, are you gonna hug me or keep waiting for me to grow another head?"

Fili laughed and closed the distance,pulling Kili tightly against him and dropping a kiss onto his collar. They would be alright, with help and with time.

Kili tilted his head and caught Fili in a slow sweet kiss, a hand raising to caress his cheek. Joy unfurled itself in his chest and he felt warm to the tips of his fingers as he hadn't for a long time as he pulled Fili with him to lay on the couch.

"Tell me about Oxford?"