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Natalie Lambert vs. Bella Swan

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Natalie Lambert: I'm Dr. Natalie Lambert, chief forensic pathologist. I am the Human Love Interest of Nick Knight in the Forever Knight television series.

Bella Swan: My name is Bella Swan, and I'm the narrator and female lead of the Twilight book series.

Natalie Lambert: I've sacrificed everything to make Nick human again so we can be together.

Bella Swan: I've thrown away everything to become a beautiful, sparkly vampire like my beloved Edward.

Natalie Lambert: Vampires sparkle in your world? Really?

Bella Swan: *miffed* Of course, they do! They're so powerful and beautiful and perfect, I can't imagine why anyone would want to stay human!

Natalie Lambert: Well, there is that whole drinking blood thing. It's a biological requirement of vampires, regardless of their particular species. This is the very thing that makes them so scary.

Bella Swan: *giggles* Oh, Edward's not scary! He's perfectly sweet and thoughtful and perfect!

Natalie Lambert: *makes gagging noises*

Bella Swan: ...Why are you doing that?

Natalie Lambert: Oh, no reason. I'm just violently allergic to bullshit.

Bella Swan: Edward dazzles me. Frequently.

Natalie Lambert: Um, ok then. So, other than Edward being sparkly and perfect, what's your relationship like?

Bella Swan: Oh, it's wonderful! We get to be together forever and ever, staring into each other's eyes.

Natalie Lambert: Well, that sounds rather... dull. Do you guys ever do anything for fun?

Bella Swan: *confused look*

Natalie Lambert: Take me and Nick, for instance. We've gone to see plays, he's taken me to the symphony, we've gone to wrestling matches and softball games...

Bella Swan: The Cullens play baseball!

Natalie Lambert: Do you play with them?

Bella Swan: Well, I couldn't when I was human, you know. Too slow and klutzy. I couldn't keep up with them.

Natalie Lambert: How about now that you're a sparklepire?

Bella Swan: Ummm... not really. I'm not the athletic type.

Natalie Lambert: So, basically, you do a whole lot of nothing...

Bella Swan: We make love a lot.

Natalie Lambert: Well, while that is an activity, don't you guys do anything else? Go to the playground with your daughter, and watch her together and chat while she's on the slide?

Bella Swan: *giggles* Oh, the rest of the Cullens are happy to look after Renesmee!

Natalie Lambert: That... wasn't my point. *sighs* Do you do anything for fun together? Just for a change of pace? Or just tease each other? Pull pranks? Anything like that?

Bella Swan: ...

Natalie Lambert: Like, one time, Nick and I watched King Kong and after the movie, he teased me about how I cry at every single movie. Long story short, he vamped out on me to freak me out. I threw popcorn at him, and the next thing either of us knew, we had gone from throwing popcorn, to chasing each other around the loft, to a Supersoaker fight. *laughs* Good times...

Bella Swan: *rolling her eyes* That is so immature.

Natalie Lambert: It's called letting off some steam, kid.

Bella Swan: *snottily* No, we don't do anything like that.

Natalie Lambert: So you never really let down your hair, relax and enjoy each other's company? Truly, a romance for the ages!

Bella Swan: *mopey, wounded look*

Natalie Lambert: Nick's told me all about his talk with your precious Edward, by the way. Nick found Edward to be a pompous ass who has as much in common with him as a lightning bug does with lightning. And... well, I'll spare you the details but, suffice it to say, Nick was not at all dazzled.

Bella Swan: *miffed* Then there must be something very wrong with your Nick.

Natalie Lambert: First of all, he's not "my" Nick. He doesn't belong to anyone but himself; he's a person, not property. Second, not liking someone doesn't make you a bad person. Not everyone who doesn't like you or Edward is "jealous" of you, so get over it.

Bella Swan: At least I get to be young and beautiful forever, and you have to get old!

Natalie Lambert: I'd rather grow old with Nick than stay young with Edward. At least I don't have to worry about Nick sabotaging my car because he doesn't want me to go somewhere. Besides, I don't like being bullied. Nick tried it on me once, and it was nearly a week before I spoke to him again. My Italian Guilt Trip would've been longer if the guy I had been dating at the time didn't turn out to be a serial killer. Nick saved my life that day, which kinda cleared up our issues for that week.

Bella Swan: But Edward has saved my life too!

Natalie Lambert: That's because you're so useless and you do nothing but hide behind him.

Bella Swan: I do not!

Natalie Lambert: Yes, you do. At least I know how to stall for time. And while my ideas aren't always great, I'd still rather die standing than live on my knees.

Bella Swan: But Nick is supposed to protect you!

Natalie Lambert: And he does a fantastic job of it, too. But I don't like the idea of hiding behind him. I'd much rather stand by him when crap starts swinging our way.

Bella Swan: I don't hide! I stopped the Volturi from destroying my family!

Natalie Lambert: From behind your mindshield of love, right? *sighs* Yeah, I heard all about that from Nick. That's still hiding. And it wasn't a battle at all -- more like a social visit, and the Volturi very calmly left. Hiding behind a shield is still hiding.

Bella Swan: *splutters indignantly*

Natalie Lambert: Also, forgive me for saying so, but you don't seem terribly bright.

Bella Swan: *sneering* I passed all my classes in high school.

Natalie Lambert: *sarcastically* Well, a cookie for you then, for completing the minimum requirements to gain your high school diploma. I'm sure there's a very lucrative career in fast food waiting for you.

Bella Swan: I have no need for school. Edward takes care of me.

Natalie Lambert: Spoken like true trailer trash. I skipped two grades and graduated at 16. I went into pre-med at the local community college for three years, and then was in medical school at 19. Then I spent four years in university earning my doctorate. Then I had a year of internship, a year of residency, then another two years practicing before I became Chief Medical Examiner at 27. And you know why? Because it's my life's work, and I'm good at what I do. I made my own life, the way I wanted it, without waiting for someone to hand it to me. But you? You got everything handed to you on a silver platter, and you never had to work for it.

Bella Swan: *pissy look*

Natalie Lambert: I didn't wait for my knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet. Rather, it was the other way around.

Bella Swan: You met at work?

Natalie Lambert: *chuckles* You could say that.

Bella Swan: Did he save you from a refrigerator falling on you?

Natalie Lambert: No. Actually, I saved him. He arrived as a patient in my office.

Bella Swan: I don't see what that has to do with...

Natalie Lambert: *patiently* I work with dead people.

Bella Swan: Eeeww! That's so gross!

Natalie Lambert: No grosser than you tackling a cougar for your dinner. You drink blood, so you have no latitude to tell me what you find disgusting. Your argument is invalid. And the reason I work with dead bodies, is so I can determine how they died. And, if I've determined that the person was murdered, I tell Nick what I've found and he takes it from there.

Bella Swan: That's so disgusting, and it sounds like a total waste of time. Edward could figure out who was going to kill someone just by reading their minds.

Natalie Lambert: Because setting yourself up as a mindreading bloodsucking Batman isn't rife with potential for failure. Thinking about something and doing it are two very different things. And angry, nasty thoughts are not a crime, so long as they don't lead to actions. Just because your Eddiekins can read people's surface thoughts doesn't mean he knows them; that takes time. And I doubt he knows you at all, seeing as he's so dependent on his mind reading. Go ahead, the next time you're alone with him, lift your shield and think of anything that's not Edward-approved. I dare you. Then, and only then, will you see him for what he really is. Your relationship is a joke. More than a joke, it's a lie.

Bella Swan: *lip trembling* You... you... bitch!

Natalie Lambert: *snorts* Oh, please. Go cry to your sparkly Eddiekins. I'm leaving 'cos I've got to pack soon. Nick's taking me to Disneyland.