The Boy Who Lived: Exclusive Interview by The Daily Prophet!
(The Facts; The Tidbits; The Insights; and The Daily Life of Harry Potter)
by Periwinkle Pendotty
Is it an owl? A broom? A flying letter of doom hurtling towards your face? No, it's Harry Potter, swooping down on the Firebolt that has stuck by him since he was cute little third year at Hogwarts. Though perhaps you didn't know that until just now. You probably have more questions on your wandering mind, racing by as fast as Ginny Potter when she was still on the Holyhead Harpies; "Is he a good flyer? Was he there at his wife's matches? Why does he still have that broom anyway, when he can buy the entire Prestoblast broomline and still have enough to buy a hundred more?"
Well, that can be answered as easy as you can cast a Lumos spell. Of course he's a good flyer; he's the youngest official flyer in a century, and served as the 1991-1997 Gryffindor Seeker, who, Puddlemere United star-player Oliver Wood has said, to have never lost them a game. He's been seen by various wizards at every single game the Holyhead Harpies have played in since his wife joined, and was constantly seen screaming at the top of his lungs — which was apparently so loud that some people thought he was using a Sonorus charm. He also keeps on using his Firebolt because of sentimental value; not because the makers keep on urging him to use it for commercial value. And, honestly, what kind of questions are those?
Harry Potter lands in front of us with as much grace as any professional Quidditch player, looking as striking as ever in dashing green robes, and from that point, the interview began.
Harry: 'Ello, I sure hope I'm not late. Apparently, even with Voldemort gone, his followers are still out there, so...
The Daily Prophet: It's quite alright. Come take a seat.
H: *laughs and sits down* That reminds me of my Hogwarts years. Professor McGonagall always used to give me the shivers when she said those words. I always thought I was in trouble when she spoke to me, actually.
TDP: Oh? Do tell us about your Hogwarts years, if you don't mind us asking.
H: My Hogwarts years, huh? Well...it was hectic. You don't know what's going on. It was different. Draco was mean, Neville always got picked on, Hermione and I weren't friends for a short while, and when we were friends, me and Ron always cheated on her homework.*pauses* Actually, that part didn't change. Me and Ron still cheat on her homework, even when we're in different departments. Some things don't change, I reckon. *laughs*
TDP: And how, exactly does that work? And do Aurors really get homework, Mr. Potter?
H: Harry would be fine, please. We don't exactly cheat on Hermione's work, per se...we just pester her about words and phrases so we can seem spiffy and intelligent. Things like: "Hermione, how do you say someone was really ugly and had big white eyes that gave us the creepers?" "'His large, white eyes indicated that he had some sort of mental illness.'" "Right. But she was a girl." "Then just exchange the 'he' with a 'she'." "Alright. Also, how do you say, "this lady was absolutely bonkers and mad, and that she bloody well deserved what was coming at her because she was a real bi—'" "Ron, you can't say that, that's rude!" And that's how those kinds of meetings go.
TDP: That was a marvelous retelling. Has anyone ever told you have great impersonation abilities?
H: Nah. People don't acknowledge my acting skills, which is a shame because I think they're absolutely brilliant. Anyway, yes, Aurors get homework. Kingsley calls it debrief, but everybody knows it's homework. A word of advice for the kids reading this: Never become an Auror. Ever. Homework is terrible and should be defeated. Become a teacher instead. This way, you get to hand out the homework instead of doing it.
TDP: Harry, how do you feel about your job?
H: I have a great job. My workplace is filled with loons, sure, but being an Auror is great. You get to defeat bad people and shoot them with bright spells. Then you can send them to prison. Yay. Usually that's after the 'crouch and stay hidden' part, and after that is the 'sit down and write your homework' part, but the 'shoot people with bright spells' part makes for a highly effective exercise routine.
TDP: What about the "Never Become An Auror" speech earlier?
H: A note to the readers: never take me seriously. It will get you nowhere. Don't even try. Ginny tried doing that once, and I had to take her to St. Mungos ten minutes later. Hermione never even tried to; she just kept on ignoring me until whatever I said turned out to be right.
TDP: What happens when you say something to her, and it wasn't true?
H: She uses it to beat me in debates.
TDP: Uh-huh. So, Harry, what do you have to say about your family?
H: ...They're crazy. For your own sake, I warn you not to marry into the Weasley family. The kids can set the house on fire and us adults wouldn't even be surprised. We wouldn't even panic. We would just tell Al to control himself because damn it, the food's burnt, this is your fault. And we'd also tell his cousins to stop asking him about Scorpius because really, we all know that Lily is just going to put them in a closet sooner or later, and that nobody is going to get any cookies tonight. I know this because it actually happened.
TDP: W-Why? I mean, why tell Albus to control himself? And what is he doing with Scorpius Malfoy?
H: Albus is a Fire Elementalist. And has nobody ever told you about the sexual tension they have? Seriously? That's Hogwarts-famous. Even the teachers are trying to hint them about it. Friendship turning into love; come on, it spawns an epic romance and epic romance novels. That kind of sexual tension hasn't been this potent since Ron and Hermione were at school.
H: I don't have any problems with my son having a gay relationship, if that's what you were asking. Teddy—my godson—is bisexual and I don't mind. Scorpius loves him, he loves Scorpius; they're just both too oblivious to see that. I'm hoping they're oblivious for at least three days more. Then I can win the family bet.
TDP: Right. So, tell us about the goblins of Gringotts. Rumors say they aren't very nice with you, ever since your break-in last 1998. Is that true?
H: Why do I get the feeling you're steering the conversation away from my family? Anyway, they really aren't. They keep on giving me dirty looks. They give Ron dirty looks too. They don't give Hermione any dirty looks, and are very nice to her, which isn't fair at all. Though I suppose they have reason to be. As much as Hermione supports Magical creature rights, she also supports Wizard rights and really just wants equality for all. Which is really fruity, but hey, that's Ron's problem, not mine.
TDP: So, erm, mind telling us about your kids, Harry?
H: I noticed that this is only the second time you've called me by my name. That's okay.
TDP: I hope you aren't offended.
H: Sure. So...my kids. Well, I'm sorry to say that it was Ginny who named them, not me. It's funny, because according to Andromeda and various other classmates of my parents, that James acts like my mum while Lily acts like my dad. Albus, they say, is a lot like me. I don't believe them. I say Albus Severus acts a lot like Albus and Severus. That's it. And it's true. Another thing that's true? They have excellent singing voices. Ginny says they got it from me, and I don't think that's true either.
H: *nods* Usually they sing Starkid and songs from Friendship is Magic, which is, to be fair, a very good show. They're Muggle things; I don't expect you to know about it. They're a lot like Muggles, actually. Only they have magic. So maybe not really like Muggles. I don't know. I'm clueless. But our entire house tolerates both Muggle technology and magic because of them. I'm glad; we have a television. Finally.
TDP: Uh-huh...Any last words to say?
H: Never ever decline ice cream; be it from a wizard or a Muggle. Both are good; don't discriminate. And ask for sprinkles. Especially rainbow sprinkles. Rainbow sprinkles are Harry Potter approved and Harry Potter tells you to eat your ice cream with rainbow sprinkles. Rainbows are symbols for happiness; be happy. Don't discriminate the rainbow or the ice cream.
TDP: Thank you. That was Harry Potter, everybody.
H: And everyone remember: HOMEWORK IS EVIL! May I also request that the previous sentence be capitalized for emphasis; please and thank you.
Hermione finished reading the article and closed the newspaper with an audible crackle. She set the paper gently on the table before putting her face into her hands and screaming. Ginny, who had read the article with her, patted her on the back. She started whispering comforting words into her friend's ear, words such as: "It's okay, Hermione, it's okay. Our husbands are idiots, you know that by now, I have no idea why you're so surprised. Come on, at least they didn't decide to interview him and Ron together. You know it would've been worse if that happened, but it didn't. Think happy thoughts. Think rainbows," and girly stuff like that. Ron and Harry tuned them out and calmly sipped their morning tea.
Harry couldn't understand what she was screaming about; that interview went perfectly fine. He looked at Ron, Ron looked at him, and they held the eye contact before deciding that the previous moment could easily be mistaken as 'undressing each other with their eyes'. They promptly looked away from the other, before turning back. Ron and Harry shrugged at each other.
Women. Who could understand them?