It keeps him up at night.
It starts after they get Pike back. Once things have "calmed down", or as much as they possibly can with Jim Kirk in charge… or really, with him on board at all.
It starts in the aftermath, when the ship is in for repairs and the bureaucrats are relentlessly accosting the crew .
In these moments, which aren't as infrequent as he pretends they are, it really is all he can do to remind himself to breath. Not to panic because she's still here.
In these moments he relives the flashes of death and destruction he couldn't help but receive from the few telepaths barely still alive when the Enterprise had arrived, always flashes of fear and desperation.
But she's here, with him. He can feel her in his arms. She's warm, and soft, and her continuous heartbeat is more reassuring than he could have ever imagined before. He can hear her quiet breaths, peacefully rhythmic. He can feel the steady rise and fall of her chest against his side. He knows she's here, with him.
But he still lies awake at night.
And he thinks… I almost assigned her to the Farragut.