October 11, 2015
This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to say, however JARVIS – bless his genius written code – suggested I write instead. What I’m about to say… well write…isn’t something I’ve ever spoken about to anyone other than JARVIS or the bots. However, today is National coming out day and that gave me the courage to finally speak.
No, I’m not gay! That is totally not what this is about. Just so you all know. So don’t laugh. Ugh…ok this isn’t what I was trying to say. This is harder than it looks. Okay.
And if you’re wondering why I’m wearing shades of purple later this month…well you’ll find out soon enough….
I always knew I was different; not quite like all the rest. However, so many people expected me to behave like my father, that I unconsciously created a persona…a mask, to hide my inmost being. I was eight when I locked myself away.
With my new persona, I believed that I was finally whole. I was now my father’s ‘mini-me’, as so many people liked to joke. The way I held myself, the way I spoke. Little did anyone know how wrong I truly was, how broken.
At the age of thirteen, when so many teens my age were going through puberty, I was alone and clueless. People spoke about sex – how great it was, that everyone wanted it and it was on their minds twenty-four seven. I thought I was broken; because I didn’t have those thoughts or desires in mind or body.
Thinking back on it now, I realize how wrong I was. I so desperately and dearly wish that I had known then what I know now. It took me thirty-seven years to realize that I wasn’t broken and never had been. How did I finally stumble upon this realization? JARVIS of course… my dearest friend. He knows me inside out and backwards, just as I know him. He alerted me to a book that was only published recently. It was this book that helped me discover a part of myself that I hadn’t thought of or known. It was this book that saved my life.
When I say it saved my life, I mean that seriously. I was going to leave… be it one more battle, or one more bottle of liquor. Accidents happen. I was getting tired of all the lies; each of which created thicker and thicker walls around me… anything to keep my long-standing persona on both feet. I was shrouded in so many webs, that I though I was suffocating at every moment of the day. Except when alone that is. I could see the way you looked at me… always wondering why I looked like I was sleep deprived and never truly happy. It was because I thought I was broken, and the walls I created to keep this fact from the light of day… well they were slowly killing me.
After reading the book JARVIS found me…well, it felt as though I could finally breath. I knew then and there that I wasn’t broken and never had been. See, society likes to tell you that sex is an integral part of your life. It can be found in all the movies, the books, songs, advertising. They also tell you that you need sex to have a happy relationship…because its not love unless your having sex. It makes me feel so sick. For a young boy, hearing those messages make you feel like you’re wrong. I’ve been trying to seem normal for so long. Well, normal by some standards, if you catch my drift. I was, and am, a sexless man living in an over-sexualized world.
It has taken me thirty-seven years to accept this fact, and to realize that I’m fine. I’m not wrong, or broken. I’m asexual.
Well…that came out easier than I expected. I’m telling you these things, because I want the lies to end. This persona that I created as a child, and that’s been with me my entire life…he’s going away. I’m letting him go, and by God that feels wonderful. I feel like the hulk himself has been taken off of my shoulders.
Yes I’ll still be the arrogant ass you all love and hate. I still wont be the easiest person to get along with… its just, I wont be telling you about the great time I had with the girls last night, or what I did in bed with said girls…because there are no girls…never have been, and never will be…in a sexual way.
Maybe one day I’ll be lucky enough to meet a girl like me…
Well that’s been enough of this mushy stuff. I’ve said what I wanted to say. I truly hope that what I’ve revealed about myself today wont change things between us. When they say the truth will set you free, I never imagined it feeling like this. For the first time in a long time, I feel free as a bird…and that feels wonderful.
Hopefully your friend still,