Work Header

The B'lyn'd D'ehte

Work Text:

S: “Ugh, Red, this is the worst idea, do you reckon I’d want my ex-girlfriend to set me up on a date to stop me from moonin’ over her ex-boyfriend, who happens to be my current deputy, a job which previously was belongin to her?”

R: “Reckon you would, Sparks, you’ve been plain mopey ever since Ginny told you you were in love with Croach! You’re the second-to-last person on the planet to know.”

S: “Okay, Alright, you know what? First of all, I am not “in love” with Croach, okay, and second of all, I am never mopey, you’re the one mopin because Cactoid Jim is off harin around the universe again, and third--”

R: “You do not get to talk to me about Cactoid Jim, and this isn’t about him anyway, it’s about you--”

S: “Why can’t I talk about Cactoid Jim? And this is dumb anyway I--”

R: “Sparks!”


R: “Sparks Nevada, you are stubborn as tarnation and as prickly as a cactoid, but you’re my best friend. So trust me when I say that going on this date I set up for you is for the best. Now go get dressed up purty, you’re due to meet your date at the saloon in ten minutes.”

S: “... Fine.”

FH: “So off Sparks went to get ready for his date. We join him fifteen minutes later, while he nurses a drink at the saloon…”

S: “I can’t believe after all of this, I get stood up. You know what, whatever, this was a dumb idea anyway--”

C: “Greetings, fellow human designated--I mean called--Sparks Nevada. I am Charles the Human, a friend of the Red Plains Rider. I am here to enact the ritual called B’lyn’d D’ehte.”

S: “...”

C: “I believe we have met once before, at the shootout to determine the mayor of G’loo--Mars. I was rather taken with you then, and the Red Plains Rider stated you would not be adverse to this courtship ritual.”

S: “Okay, are we really gonna do this? Alright. It’s good to see you again… “Charles.” Why do you sit down and have a space rotgut with me--hey Barkeep?”

C: “Oh, no thank you, Sparks Nevada. I do not drink. However, I would like to join you at your table, if you do not mind.”

B: “Well howdy there Sparks--”

S: “Howdy Barkeep”

B: “And howdy to you too, --(frantic shushing)-- uh, stranger, who I certainly don’t know. What can I get you? Seems like the two of you might be on a date, is that correct? Finally….”

C: “Yes, the Red Plains Rider is a mutual friend and has arranged this B’lyn’d D’ehte to see if the two of us might be romantically compatible.”

B: “Well tell you what, for lovebirds like the two of you, tonight’s dinner is on the house! I’ll go put in your favorites, how about that? Be back in a jiff to check in on ya!”

S: “Yeah, thanks Barkeep.”

C: “Thank you, human designated Barkeep.”



S&C: “Sooo…”

C: “My apologizes Sparks Nevada, go ahead--”

S: “No, you go ahead and talk, I-- You know what? No. I’m gonna talk. Listen, Croach.”

C: “My name is not Croach! I am Charles the Human, and certainly not--”

S: “Yeah yeah I know, you have the poncho, but listen Croach. Reckon we’ve been riding together a long time, longer than maybe we even knew we were--”

C: “Our onal relationship began three years, seven months, and six days ago--”

S: “Yeah, okay, thank you. I know that’s when we started riding together, but that’s not what I-- okay. It’s like when you get a new pair of boots, right? And at first they’re new and your feet get sore, but you gotta break them in, okay, and then after awhile--”

C: “Sparks Nevada, I am not comfortable with this talk of feet and boots, this is a public setting and--”

S: “Right, sorry, the foot thing, that’s still weird, um. Okay. Guess I just need to put this on the table. Seems like we’ve both danced around it for way too long. I….. like you, Croach. You’re my best friend. And I, maybe, wouldn’t be as grossed out, probably, if I saw your feet again. Maybe. No guarantees though, because that was weird.”

C: “I think I understand what you mean to say. Human designated Sparks Nevada, the most frequent emotion I feel towards you is exasperation. The second most common emotion I feel towards you is what human designate affection. Would you like to enter into onal equilibrium with me?”

S: “Yes, that. That is what I meant, yes please, this is a good plan, I like it.”

C: “Thank you, Sparks Nevada. I believe we have successfully negotiated the ritual humans designated a B’lyn’d D’ehte. Next, I would like for us to undergo the Trial of F’ahm’eelee V’ak’ation. The entire Martian tribe will travel on this journey with us, and test our compatibility as onal partners.”
S: “Yeah, sure, I… what, what?”

FH: Will Sparks survive a Martian Family Vacation?? Will the newly united lovebirds make it more than five minutes without an argument?? Tune in next time for answers here on Sparks Nevada: Marshal on Mars!