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The Chilling Crimes of Chinchilla Chick

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Squirrel Girl! @unbeatablesg
WHO EATS NUTS KICKS BUTTS AND JUST KISSED THE RADDEST ROOMMATE EVER idk but i bet she's super cool and finished all her homework

Squirrel Girl! @unbeatablesg
LIKE A CHAMP #eatsnutskicksbutts #andassignments

Nancy W @sewwiththeflo
So glad Mew approves of my new relationship. That would've been awkward. #neithersinglenorreadytomingle

     Squirrel Girl! @unbeatablesg
     @sewwiththeflo Hahaha but it would've worked out anyway right Nancy

     Squirrel Girl! @unbeatablesg
     @sewwiththeflo Nancy?

     Squirrel Girl! @unbeatablesg
     @sewwiththeflo NANCY

Squirrel Girl! @unbeatablesg
@starkmantony aw you ol' softie you! thanks for the edible arrangement!

    Tony Stark @starkmantony
    @unbeatablesg Don't mention it. Really.

    Squirrel Girl! @unbeatablesg
    @starkmantony could've used more nuts, though

    Tony Stark @starkmantony
    @unbeatablesg What did I just say?

 

 

The first time Nancy kissed Doreen she tasted like acorn buttercream and New York City grit. Nancy had never thought of that as a winning combination, but somehow Doreen made it work. She also dipped Nancy, because Doreen kissed like she did everything else: with 300% enthusiasm and like she'd learned it off a pack of trading cards written by a maniac in a full-face mask.

Nancy was never going to get the taste of acorns out from behind her molars.

"Wow," Doreen sighed happily. Nancy could relate, on account of all the kissing, which, acorn-flavored molars aside, had been pretty 'wow' worthy. She flopped backward across Nancy's knees. "I need a moment here. Nancy. Nancy."

"Doreen," said Nancy.

"Nancy, did you know that in addition to being the world's coolest roommate, a snappy dresser and Cat Thor BNF, you are also basically the best kisser of all time?" Doreen said, rolling onto her elbows. "That's just so many accomplishments, Nancy."

Nancy stretched out next to Doreen. Doreen put her hand palm up on the mattress and Nancy took it, linking their fingers together. "Do you think Prof Jones will understand that I only did half my homework because I was busy making out with a superhero?"

"Hahaha," said Doreen, right before she sobered up. "Wait. When is that due again?"

So in lieu of more excellent if acorn-flavored makeouts, they ended up on the floor together until 4AM doing their assignments.

They agreed that it was a pretty good first date, and also that they were kickass at doing homework last minute.

 

Cat Thor BNF Nancy is WATCHING YOU, only other Cat Thor writer Lokitty, even though your Young Avengers crossover where all the Young Avengers were parakeets was intriguing and she maybe left it both logged in and anonymous kudos. You stay off her lawn.


 

Dating Doreen wasn't a whole lot different from being platonic-but-very-snuggly roommates with her. She'd already gotten used to all of Doreen's Doreen Things, aka things that were unique to Doreen, like all the eating of nuts and the kicking of butts, the joie de vivre to the extreme and her tendency to short out the power by blowdrying her tail while Nancy had the electric kettle going. (Okay, maybe that one was on both of them.)

Dating Doreen meant paying for each other's meals at the Avengers HQ food court ("Shouldn't Tony Stark just be footing the bill for all of this?" "You would THINK SO, wouldn't you, considering he's a gazillionaire like 80% of the time?") and getting Doreen's theme song stuck in her head constantly. It meant exactly the same amount of sitting up worrying when Doreen was away on New Avengers business, avenging new things around the world, and stress drawing a Cat Thor and Squirrel Lady team up. It meant never being able to find underwear, because Doreen was a goddamn clothes thief and now apparently nothing was off limits. She stole all of Doreen's fluffy socks in revenge.

It meant a worrying amount of stalking Iron Man's twitter mentions and getting Spider-Man to make her mac and cheese one night when he had to crash at their place.

("Did I tell you I used to go to ESU?" he said, mask rolled up over his mouth and Mew curled up in his lap. Nancy decided that he was probably pretty okay if Mew liked him. "I got thrown into this building once, I think."

"You remember getting thrown into this building?" Nancy asked.

"Process of elimination. I think I got thrown into every building around here," he said.)

It meant when the heating went wonky Nancy could curl up under Doreen's tail like it was the fluffiest comforter in the world, which it basically was. ("The secret," Doreen confessed, "is leave-in tail conditioner.")

Dating Doreen was, in three words: really extremely awesome.

The downside? Nancy was getting kidnapped like, all the freakin' time.

 

When we say ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME we mean pretty freakin' often. Like, it would be nice to go get an overpriced cup of coffee without the Moleman trying to take you to his underground lair for advice on his new computer system. Rude, Harvey. Very rude. 


 

"Seriously?" she called to the empty warehouse. "Are you serious? This is like, the eighth time this semester! Doesn't anybody besides me have homework?! Or an actual job? Where do you find the time for this? And what did you tie around my wrists because it's -" she paused and tried to wriggle her wrists free again "- actually pretty comfy, all things considered, but COME ON."

There was no reply. Nancy tipped her head back and shivered. The warehouse was drafty and she had not dressed for a winter kidnapping.

"Great job picking the cute ankle boots," she said to herself, scowling down at them. It didn't last long. They were truly too cute to earn her ire, and they'd been on sale to boot.

If Doreen had been there, she would've really appreciated Nancy's boot pun. She wished she could get her hands free enough to use her phone so she could tweet Doreen to come and get her.

(@unbeatablesg SAY SG WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOUR BFF/GFF WAS KIDNAPPED AND WAITING IN A WAREHOUSE BY THE DOCKS WHEN DO YOU THINK YOU'D SHOW
@unbeatablesg JUST A HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION NO BIG ALSO BRING A JACKET BC IT IS REALLY FLIPPIN CHILLY
@unbeatablesg before you ask gff stands for girlfriend forever #jsyk)

Also, if she had her phone she could check Neko Atsume while she waited. Maybe Tubbs had stopped by. Maybe Conductor Whiskers. Maybe literally every rare cat there was, and Nancy would never know because she couldn't telekinetically use her phone and was also going to die in this warehouse, probably-not-actually-but-it-sort-of-felt-like-it.

The doors to the warehouse banged open and in walked a woman in a huge furry coat with a huge furry hat and furry boots and a furry muffler. Behind her were the two henchdudes who had nabbed Nancy while she was coming out of the library. They were also wearing furry coats.

Nancy was sensing a theme and it was giving her a headache.

"My name is," Furry Coat Girl spun and her furry coat spun with her, "Chinchilla Chick!"

Nancy stared at her. "Seriously."

"What?" said Chinchilla Chick.

"You don't think that's, maybe, I don't know, kind of a rip off?" Nancy said. "It's not like New York City doesn't already have a super-person with small rodent powers except, oh wait, it totally does."

Chinchilla Chick opened her mouth, but Nancy wasn't done, not when she'd been left in a boring, drafty warehouse for almost an hour. "And I know you grabbed me to get at her so you can skip the speech! When she gets here she's going to punch the crime right out of you."

"Actually," Chinchilla Chick said, "I thought you were Spider-Man's girlfriend."

Nancy paused. "What."

"You know. He came out of your building!" Chinchilla Chick said, waving her hands around. "Spider-Man, Spider-Man? Does whatever a spider can?"

"No," Nancy said. "No, it's - Squirrel Girl! Powers of squirrel, powers of girl!"

She and Chinchilla Chick stared at each other for a long moment. Then Chinchilla Chick turned to her left henchdude and said, "Marco, I think we may have made a hasty assumption."

Something soft brushed against Nancy wrists with a soft chitter.

"Tippy?" Nancy whispered. If Tippy-Toe was there, then Doreen couldn't be far behind.

"Chik chut chut," Tippy-Toe said.

"I'm going to go ahead and assume that's squirrel for 'shut up, Nancy'," Nancy said.

"Chut!" Tippy-Toe scolded. Nancy shut up.

"No, no, Marco!" Chinchilla Chick was saying, one furry glove shoved in her henchdude's face. "I don't want to hear it! You know what happens when you assume!"

"You make an ass out of u and me," Marco repeated with both duty and shame. Nancy thought perhaps she'd known Doreen too long when she could tell Tippy was rolling her little squirrel eyes even when she was behind Nancy's back, chewing her way through her restraints.

The warehouse doors banged open just as Tippy-Toe freed Nancy. Doreen stood silhouetted against the sunset with Chipmunk Hunk and Koi Boi flanking her. The rush of emotion Nancy felt for all her ridiculous animal-themed superhero friends was frankly ridiculous. In her defense, the lighting was excellent.

They sprang into action immediately; Ken leapt at Chinchilla Chick while Tomas went for the henchmen. Doreen headed straight for Nancy, swooping her up and off her feet into in a hug.

Instantly pretty much everything was chaos.

"Nancy!" Doreen said, slinging her up over her shoulder as she dodged a henchdude. "I'm so glad you're okay! I'm going to throw you out of danger now while I punch this guy!"

"She tried to kidnap me because she thought I was dating Spider-Man," Nancy explained as Doreen tossed her to Tomas. He caught her both easily and hunkily. "Also, you should probably know that her name is Chinchilla Chick."

"What?!" exclaimed Doreen and Tomas at the same time.

"How dare she tarnish the good names of small rodents everywhere!" Tomas fumed as he gently set Nancy down on her feet. She gave his shoulder a consoling pat.

Doreen made a little chittering noise under her breath. "That is SOME NERVE you got there!"

"Can you even talk to chinchillas?!" Tomas demanded righteously, right in Nancy's ear.

"They communicate with me through interpretive dance!" Chinchilla Chick yelled back. "What, like you've got a monopoly on small furry rodent names? You don't own that concept! I go to law school!"

"Dude!" said Doreen, launching herself at Chinchilla Chick with the fury of a thousand squirrels. "I don't think a future lawyer should be walking around kidnapping people!"

"Tell that to all the other future lawyers out there doing the same thing! It's a stressful time in our lives! We need an outlet!" Chinchilla Chick said, sweeping Doreen's feet out from under her. Doreen went down with an 'oof' just as Koi Boi and Tippy-Toe leapt from above.

"Your outlet shouldn't be kidnapping superhero's girlfriends!" Doreen said, grabbing Chinchilla Chick by the ankles and sending her sprawling the ground. Doreen glanced back over her shoulder at Nancy. "Not that this person I have never seen before in my life is a superhero's girlfriend! But she certainly looks like she could be, because she seems so smart and attractive! I bet she could date anyone she wants! Even Spider-Man, if maybe for some reason that was a thing she was into!"

"It's definitely not!" Nancy shouted.

"Just checking, innocent bystander!" Doreen said, flashing her the thumbs up.

Chinchilla Chick aimed a kick at Doreen just as she finished her speech and then scrambled for the door. She knocked Koi Boi into some crates as she made her mad dash into the sunset.

"Is it just me or did she get stronger all of a sudden?" he asked, rubbing at his shoulder.

"Chinchillas are crepuscular!" shouted Chinchilla Chick as she fled down the street with Koi Boi and Chipmunk Hunk hot on her heels.

"Aren't you going after her?" Nancy said to Doreen, except she only got to "after" before Doreen stretched up on her toes to kiss her.

"I'm so glad you're okay!" Doreen said. Tippy Toe, hanging out in the region of Doreen's shoulder, chittered an agreement. Nancy felt an unbearably sappy rush of affection towards both of them. "You are okay, right?"

"I'm totally okay," she said. "Just bored and chilly. Are you seriously not going after her?"

"I had to check if you were okay first!" Doreen said, looking slightly pouty that Nancy thought she might go and do her superhero thing while Nancy was in need. Nancy affectionately tweaked her on the forehead.

"Bring me back her jacket," she said, shoving Doreen in the direction Chinchilla Chick had run.

"Can do!" Doreen said brightly, speeding off after one more quick cheek kiss.

Nancy pulled out her cellphone. Tubbs had visited her after all.

 

No offense to any law students out there reading this. I'm sure most of you have never kidnapped anyone ever in your entire lives! Probably! 


 

Doreen ended up sitting on the sidewalk with Chinchilla Chick for an hour, talking about school pressures and family pressures (apparently, her dad was the Chinchilla Champ, which meant absolutely nothing to Nancy) and also the challenges involved in making a faux fur bathing suit look good. At the end of it they hugged.

Nancy wished she could've been surprised, but that was one of her favorite things about Doreen: her ability to seize the good in anyone with both hands and wrassle it to the surface.

"I'm really sorry about the whole kidnapping deal," Chinchilla Chick told Nancy. She looked worryingly like she might try to hug her. Nancy kept Ken between them like a human shield just in case.

"I'm keeping your jacket," she told her.

Afterwards they all went back to hers and Doreen's like usual, where everyone argued over takeout even though Nancy had the unquestionable right to pick, what with the kidnapping, and where Tomas tried to console her on her recent abductee status.

"Ken and I are regularly abducted by those seeking vengeance on our heroic identities," he said sagely, or as sagely as anyone could while throwing mini marshmallows into his mouth.

"Really?" Nancy asked, slurping hot cocoa. She had Mew in her lap and Doreen leaning heavily against her side and about a million tiny marshmallows in her cup. All was right with the world.

"Well," Tomas said. "If by regularly I meant, like, twice. Then yes. It's very true."

"It's the goggles," Ken explained. "They're very effective identity hiders. Also stylish. I could loan them to you, Nancy."

Nancy cast a sidelong look at Ken's goggles. "Thanks, but I think you and I have different ideas about fashion. You hang onto those."

He adjusted his shiny golden jacket and shrugged.

When they left later Nancy and Doreen climbed into bed and pulled the covers up over their heads like a fort. Tippy settled on the pillow next to Doreen's head and Mew crept after feet. Mew had been having a foot-attacking stage, so Nancy kept very still while she circled and settled down.

"You don't actually want to be dating Spider-Man, right?" Doreen said, her arm slung over Nancy's waist. She was gnawing on her bottom lip. "I mean, he can do whatever a spider can."

Nancy raised her eyebrows. "I don't know what that means in this context."

"He makes a mean mac and cheese?" Doreen said, shrugging. Nancy snorted.

"Thanks," she said, "but I prefer my dates with 50% more squirrel and 50% more girl."

"Just checking," Doreen said cheerily, snuggling in. "I'm going to double down on my secret identity from now on, though."

"Eh," yawned Nancy, sticking her cold feet between Doreen's calves. "I think I'll probably just take a kickboxing class or something. That'll teach the Moleman next time he needs someone to show him how Excel works."

"Best roomie-slash-girlfriend ever," Doreen told her, moving back to fist bump her. The motion caught Mew's eye and she leapt for Doreen's feet. Next thing Nancy knew they were both on the floor.

"I try," she said, patting Doreen's head where it lay on her chest. Mew stared at her from the bed, purring. "Maybe let's just stay here for a while."

 

They stayed there until 2AM, at which point Nancy grabbed the laser point and Doreen grabbed the blankets and together they launched an excellent plan because they are very capable young ladies who have never been outwitted by a tiny kitten - wait. Wait no. They definitely have. Nancy was very proud.