[Scene: the Hogwarts teacher’s lounge. Professor McGonagall is having lunch when suddenly Hagrid bursts in, looking rather worried.]
HAGRID: Trouble in the Great Hall.
MCGONAGALL: Oh, blast. What kind of trouble?
HAGRID: One on’t ceil’n’tiles’s showin’ bit’a th’treddle.
HAGRID: One on’t ceil’n’tiles’s showin’ bit’a th’treddle.
MCGONAGALL: I don’t understand what you’re saying.
HAGRID: [slowly and carefully, perhaps just a bit annoyed] One a’ the ceiling tiles is showin’ a bit a’ the treddle.
MCGONAGALL: Well, what on earth does that mean?
HAGRID: I don’ know! Pr’fessor Dumbledore jus’ told me ter bring yeh that message, that’s all. I didn’ expect a sort a’ Hogwarts Inquisition!
[And now, our special guest, the CHORD FROM HELL. The door flies open and Umbridge stalks (waddles?) into the lounge, flanked by Draco Malfoy and Argus Filch.]
UMBRIDGE: NOBODY expects the Hogwarts Inquisition!! Our chief weapon is surprise. Surprise and fear—fear and surprise—Our two weapons are fear and surprise. And educational decrees—Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and educational decrees. And an almost fanatical devotion to the Minister of Magic—Our four—no... Amongst our weapons... Amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear, surp—I’ll come in again.
[Umbridge shooes her followers out. An awkward pause.]
HAGRID: I didn’ expect a sort a’ Hogwarts Inquisition!
[CHORD FROM HELL. Umbridge and the Inquisitorial Squad burst in again.]
UMBRIDGE: NOBODY expects the Hogwarts Inquisition!! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, educational decrees, an almost fanatical devotion to the Minister of Magic, and those adorable ornamental kitten plates—oh, damn! [whispers to Filch] I can’t say it. You’ll have to say it.
UMBRIDGE: You’ll have to say the bit about “Our chief weapons are.”
FILCH: [stunned] I couldn’t do that...
[Umbridge bundles her group outside again. Another pause.]
HAGRID: [deadpan] I didn’ expect a sort a’ Hogwarts Inquisition.
[CHORD FROM HELL. Umbridge and the rest enter.]
FILCH: Er.... Nobody... um...
FILCH: Expects... Nobody expects the... um... the Hogwarts... um...
FILCH: What? Right, right. Nobody expects the Hogwarts Inquisition. Probably ‘cause it only started this year and—
UMBRIDGE: [scowling] Our chief weapons are...
FILCH: Our chief weapons are... um... er...
FILCH: Surprise and—
UMBRIDGE: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop. That’s enough. Hem, hem! Our chief weapon is surprise... Right. Good. Malfoy, read the charges.
DRACO: [unrolls a parchment] You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit traitorous and conspiratorial acts against the Ministry of Magic. And unfairly take points from the Slytherins, when that bloody Potter—
UMBRIDGE: That’s enough. Now, how do you plead?
MCGONAGALL: [not amused] Innocent, obviously.
FILCH, DRACO: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
[A caption reads “DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER”.]
UMBRIDGE: [gesturing wildly] We’ll soon change your mind about that!
[A caption reads “DIABOLICAL ACTING”.]
UMBRIDGE: Fear, surprise, educational—NO! [pauses to regain control of herself] Now, Malfoy. Do you have your wand?
[Draco pulls a pink plastic wand with silver streamers and a big star on the end from his robes. Umbridge groans when she sees it and covers her face.]
UMBRIDGE: You... Right. [half-heartedly] Crucio her.
[Draco stares at her and shrugs awkwardly.]
UMBRIDGE: [gritting her teeth] I know, I know you can’t. I didn’t want to say anything. I just wanted to try to ignore your idiotic mistake.
UMBRIDGE: It makes it all seem so stupid.
DRACO: Er, should I...
UMBRIDGE: Oh, just pretend, for God’s sake.
[Draco points the plastic wand at McGonagall and waves it a bit while Umbridge and Filch laugh evilly. Someone knocks at the door to the teacher’s lounge; Hagrid answers it and finds a man in a black Muggle suit holding a clipboard.]
SUITED MAN: Ah, hello. Uh, you don’t know me, but I’m from Bloomsbury. We were wondering if you would come play a role in that book over there in that sort of direction. You’d hardly have to do anything, just say a few lines and that’s it.
HAGRID: Oh, alrigh’, yeah.
SUITED MAN: Jolly good! Come this way, please.
[Hagrid and the suited man leave.]
[Scene: the Gryffindor common room. Harry and Ginny are sitting in front of a fire, both looking at Harry’s photo album. Harry turns the pages and points out photos to a fascinated Ginny.]
HARRY: This is the Marauders sabotaging a Quidditch game... This is Mum and Dad together at graduation... This is Dad’s bachelor party; I’m pretty sure the dog wearing the lampshade is Sirius... This is Mum and Dad at their wedding... This is me in my crib... And this is the Hogwarts Inquisition hiding behind the Quidditch bleachers.
GINNY: Oh! I didn’t expect the Hogwarts Inquisition!
[The CHORD FROM HELL (did you miss it?). Umbridge and her entourage leap into the common room.]
UMBRIDGE: NOBODY expects the Hogwarts Inquisition!!
[Cut to a collage of scenes from various wizarding battles, upon which we see a rolling caption.]
CAPTION: In the later years of the 20th century, to combat the wild rumors of the return of Lord Thingy, Minister Fudge gave Inquisitor Dolores Umbridge leave to move without let or hindrance throughout Hogwarts, in a reign of intimidation, control, and simpering that made a smashing fifth book. This was the Hogwarts Inquisition...
[Cut to Umbridge’s (horrible) office. Umbridge and Draco enter; Filch follows, dragging Harry along with him. He shoves Harry into a seat; Umbridge sits behind her desk.]
UMBRIDGE: Now, old woman—
UMBRIDGE: Old man, sorry. You are accused of—
HARRY: I’m fifteen.
HARRY: I’m fifteen—I’m not old!
UMBRIDGE: Well, I can’t just call you “Man”.
HARRY: Well, you could say “Harry”.
UMBRIDGE: [seethes for a few seconds] Now, Potter. You are accused of treason on three counts: treason by thought, treason by word, treason by deed, and treason by action—four counts. Do you confess?
HARRY: I’m not confessing anything to you.
UMBRIDGE: Ha! Then we’ll make you confess! Malfoy! Fetch... the QUILL!
[Please welcome your friend and mine, the CHORD FROM HELL. Draco pulls out a perfectly normal-looking eagle feather quill.]
DRACO: Here it is, Inquisitor.
UMBRIDGE: Now, Potter—you have one last chance. Confess the heinous act of conspiracy, reject Dumbledore’s incendiary rantings—two last chances. And you shall be free—three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I am not describing again.
HARRY: I don’t understand a word you’re saying.
UMBRIDGE: Right! If that’s the way you want it—Malfoy! Make him write with the quill!
[Draco does so. It turns out, though, that this is, in fact, a perfectly normal quill. Nothing whatsoever happens.]
UMBRIDGE: Confess! Confess! Confess!
DRACO: It doesn’t seem to be hurting him, Inquisitor.
UMBRIDGE: Did you make sure to sharpen the end?
DRACO: Yes, Inquisitor.
UMBRIDGE: [grabs the quill and tosses it away] Hm! He is made of harder stuff! Argus! Fetch... the ANKLE CHAINS!!
[Return of the son of the CHORD FROM HELL. Zoom in on Filch’s horrified (and hideous) face.]
FILCH: [terrified] The... ankle chains? [suddenly looks thrilled] Yes!!
[Filch runs out and returns with two lengths of chain, each with a manacle at one end.]
UMBRIDGE: So you think you are strong because you can survive the quill. Well, we shall see. Argus! Put him in the ankle chains!
[Filch roughly locks the two manacles onto Harry’s ankles.]
UMBRIDGE: [cruelly] Now! You will stay in the ankle chains until lunch time, with only a cup of tea at eleven! [to Filch] Shouldn’t they be attached to a wall or something?
FILCH: I don’t know, Dolores.
UMBRIDGE: I see. I suppose we could make it worse by shouting a lot?
DRACO: Sounds about right.
UMBRIDGE: Confess, Potter. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
FILCH: [falls to his knees] I confess!
UMBRIDGE: [furiously] Not you!
[Cut to the Headmaster’s office, where Dumbledore is standing behind his desk calmly.]
DUMBLEDORE: I confess.
[Cut to Umbridge’s office.]
UMBRIDGE: [momentarily stunned] What was that?
[Cut to the Headmaster’s office.]
DUMBLEDORE: I confess.
[Words light up in a crystal ball on the desk saying “BE SEATED.” Dumbledore moves to sit down, but Fawkes pulls his chair away and he lands on the floor.]
[Scene: the Wizengamot courtroom, where Lucius Malfoy and several others are being tried for Death Eating. Minister Fudge is in the front row of the high benches.]
FUDGE: Right! I’m sick of being made to look a fool. So, I sentence you all to be burned at the stake.
LUCIUS: Bloody hell, I didn’t expect the Hogwarts Inquisition!
[Everyone in the courtroom turns to stare at the door. A long pause.]
[Cut to an outside shot of Malfoy Manor. Umbridge, Draco, and Filch open the door and run to the street in a panic. Umbridge waves her wand hurriedly and the Knight Bus appears with a loud BANG. The three pile into the bus.]
UMBRIDGE: Three to the Ministry of Magic, please.
DRACO: Look! Look! The scroll bar’s almost at the bottom!
UMBRIDGE: Hurry, hurry, hurry!
[After several Apparations, the Knight Bus finally shows up in front of the Ministry of Magic building. Umbridge and her followers reach the door and run inside.]
[Cut to the Wizengamot courtroom. Umbridge and her entourage rush into the room.]
UMBRIDGE: NOBODY expects the Hog—