LUCY: Xena, why do I have to go shopping? You know I hate it.
XENA: Me too. But you have to find something to wear for Saturday Night Live.
LUCY: They said I was going to wear your Xena outfit.
XENA: That's just for one skit and I'm sure you'll look sexy in it. But what about the opening act? You can't wear my outfit for that.
LUCY: I thought I'd just wear what was clean that day.
Xena gives Lucy "The Look".
LUCY (pouts): Oh, all right.
XENA: So, do you have anything in mind?
LUCY: I don't know. Something different, I suppose.
XENA: Like what?
LUCY: Like this! (Lucy picks out a multi-coloured striped shirt from the rack).
XENA: Uh....No! (Xena picks out a stylish black jacket and black jeans and shows it to Lucy). How about this?
LUCY: No way mate! It'll make me look so lugubrious.
XENA: Luguwhat? Never mind. Didn't you wear black on the cover of Rolling Stone? You looked great!
LUCY: Yeah, but it's de rigueur for a Dark Angel.
XENA: De riwho?
LUCY: And besides, the photographer picked out that outfit for me.
XENA: (smirks) I thought so.
LUCY (picks out a pair of striped jeans): What about these, Xena? They'll enliven the ambiance.
XENA (mumbles): Over my dead body.
XENA: Nothing. Come on, these black jeans are fine.
LUCY: All right, but they're so dolorous.
XENA (perplexed): Whatever. Now we need to find you a shirt. Maybe something subtexty.
LUCY: Oh, Xena! You know I hate shopping! Can't I just wear what I wore on Leno?
XENA (rolls her eyes): You dressed yourself, right?
LUCY (defensive): Yeah....
XENA (under her breath): It showed.
LUCY: What was wrong with my outfit?
XENA: The skirt, for one.
LUCY: Hey, I liked that skirt. It sort of reminded me of Lao Ma.
XENA (gets a faraway look in her eye): Yeah, it did, didn't it.
LUCY: So what was wrong with it?
LUCY: What was wrong with the skirt?
XENA (still daydreaming): The skirt? Oh, the skirt! There was nothing wrong with it, it just didn't go with the blouse and the jacket.
LUCY (puzzled): It didn't?
XENA: Trust me, Lucy. Stick to black. It goes with anything.
LUCY: What about you, Ms Leather Princess? Your leather's *brown*.
XENA: That's different. I have a whole ensemble thing going. You know. The chakram, the sword, Warrior Princess stuff.
LUCY: What about at the Emmys? Did you like that outfit?
XENA: Me and everyone else in the Known World. You should get Richard Tyler to dress you more often. (smiles) Sometimes less is more.
LUCY (enthusiastically): And Ren looked effulgent too, didn't she?
XENA: Um....yes she was gorgeous. But what was with her eye makeup? Did you make her up? And why was her hair such a mess?
LUCY (flustered): Well..... um..... we..... um..... we were busy beforehand..... and.... um.... we didn't have time.....
XENA (narrows her eyes): Yeah. Okay. Whatever. (Xena clears her throat). Ahem. Ok, so now we need a shirt and a tie.
LUCY (picks out a shirt with a rainbow pattern): Hey, how about this? It's subtexty enou
XENA: Lucy, Lucy, Lucy. Think basic. No big statements. Calm. Cool. Basic.
LUCY: Yeah, but I don't want to look too didactic.
XENA (shakes her head and grins): Oh, here's a nice shirt. (Xena holds up a light purple silk blouse).
LUCY: You want me wear to lavender?
XENA (deadpans): Is that what that colour is?
LUCY (laughs): Yeah, it'll just about kill the "subtexters"!
XENA (smirks): Now you're getting it. (Xena holds out a black tie). Wear this too, it'll look fabulous!
LUCY: A tie? With a subtext shirt? Xena! You are soooo deleteriously evil!!! Okay, so what about in the other skit where I go to a lesbian strip club?
XENA: Hmm, let me think. Well, you won't be wearing clothes for long..... So I guess you can just wear whatever's clean!