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If I Only Could, I'd Make a Deal With God

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     Nathan Fielder was never a man who gave up. At times, it did seem as if he wasn't trying, or like he had already given up a long, long time ago, but deep down, Nathan never let go. Some called him resentful, bitter, or spiteful - others called him weak, as, oftentimes, he seems to be a frail man of a frail mind, and, while that may be true, he was indeed a man of a strong heart. It showed in his business work, as a man with a weak heart could never bear to do what Nathan did; his heart was a precious gem, like a diamond, in its rare beauty that some will only ever hear of, but its enduring toughness that has developed from thousands, billions of years. In that part of him, as with every part, the effects of Alton Brown overshadowed all the rest of that which did affect him.

     Alton was Nathan's greatest friend. They had been working for over ten years, and had moved in together as roommates only about a month after meeting. Alton was a very charismatic yet distant man, whose aforementioned features contrasted greatly with Nathan's awkward manner. At first glance, one could never guess that the two were best friends. It was only through the study of their mannerisms, which had become so subtly in sync with each other that they had merged into one, that it could be seen, and very clearly, indeed. Equally shown in their mannerisms was tension. In moments where intimacy is inevitable, where their minds and souls could do nothing but lean into one another, their bodies and consciousnesses would repel. It was inexplicable. Alton and Nathan were attracted so strongly in all ways but their mindsets. They seemed to be each others' downfalls. 

     But maybe not. Maybe, Alton and Nathan were each others' upfalls.


     "Oh, goodness me! I missed the target again!" Alton complained, looking to Nathan. Nathan just gives Alton a smile that was awkward, yet genuine. Alton smiled back warmly, but then turned back and pointed the gun at the target 20 meters away, which was a picture of a Rollie, and shot. Alas, the bullet hit the wall behind the target for a second time.

     "Wow," he said to himself quietly. "Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow! Unbelievable!"

     "Hey, uh, Alton," Nathan said, "you okay?"

     "I'm sorry, Nathan, I'm just really terrible at this shooting thing!" Alton replied. Nathan gave a small, nervous laugh.

     "I think you're amazing," Nathan said, "I think you're incredible, I think you're really cool," Nathan trailed off. Alton looked down and smiled.

     "Well, maybe for someone who just got his arm blown off! That Fieri's really a bad guy, isn't he?"

     "Yeah, his agents are really... tough."

     "Clever, too. God, I just don't think it's fair I had to have half my arm blown off because of some record! I guess it is my fault for tripping over it, but I wish it would've gone another way."

     "At least you're alive. I think they'd let you have any job you want, what with your credentials."

     "Oh, you need to be fit for any job here, not just field work. Look at me, I can barely shoot now! I'll never make the screen, I'll never make the Sweeney, or be the movie queen! I'm too busy-" but Alton never finished his sentence, as three women proceeded to burst into the room. The leader, who had brown, bushy but neat hair was the first to speak up.

     "Oh, Nathan's here too, I'm not surprised. Hello, boys!" she said.

     "H-hi," Nathan managed to let out before Alton spoke.

     "Hello, Kate, Danielle, Anika!"

     "A-Anika! Hi!" Nathan said awkwardly. "You two look... different."

     "You like their new looks?" Kate said, looking back to the two women, who were dressed in full on BDSM gear. "I did their clothes for a mission they're being sent on, but we really need you and Alton's help for this too." Nathan looked to Alton for a short moment and they locked eyes, but they quickly turned away.

     "What do you need us for?" Alton said.

     "This woman, she goes by Regina Figuyri. Her name's a bit of an obvious anagram, but we have no reason to believe she's tied with Guy Fieri except for the fact that she recently gave 2 billion dollars to Lean Cuisine, which, as we all know, has strong ties with Guy Fieri and his business."

     "Isn't Lean Cuisine a popular business," Alton said.

     "She must've gotten her money from an unknown source or something," Nathan said.

     "Yes, Nathan, that's about what she did. We have reason to believe she has been laundering her money through Monsters Inc. and using that money to support Lean Cuisine. We still don't know how Lean Cuisine is affiliated with Guy Fieri, but it's been heavily implied."

     "Well, where do we come in?" Nathan asked.

     "Well, everyone has their weak spots. This Regina is involved in a BDSM club, and it's the only connection with her that we've got. Plus, we figured that being involved in any intimate setting with her might make her more vulnerable," Kate said.

     "Hopefully she's not a good actress!" Alton said.

     "Yeah," Nathan said quietly before speaking up, "do we have to be dressed up in that kind of... clothes?" Nathan asked. Alton's face became more serious and afraid, and it was notable even if the change was only to a small degree.

     "Well, you two are agents, you have to be able to handle disguises." Alton swallowed loudly.

     "We gotta do what we gotta do, Nathan," Alton said.

     "We're not asking much of you, anyway. Danielle and Anika had no problem with the disguises." Nathan shuffled in his spot. Kate rolled her eyes. "Meet me at my office at 7:00 AM tomorrow, okay? We already have a designer for your clothes. He's very experienced in the BDSM culture." Nathan and Alton nodded. 

     "Alright, Kate, we'll see you tomorrow," Alton said. 

     "See you tomorrow, Alton, Nathan!" Kate replied, turning back and walking away with Danielle and Anika, wrapping her arms around their shoulders. The door closed and echoed through the room, and all that followed that was silence. Alton cleared his throat.

     "We should be heading back home," Alton said to Nathan.

     "Yeah," Nathan said back quietly. "Hey," Nathan began more loudly, "we'll be fine with, um, that, right?"

     "Yes," Alton said, "we're going to be fine," he muttered, "perfectly fine." Nathan looked up at Alton, but quickly looked away again.

     "Okay," Nathan said. "We should be heading back." Alton nodded.

     "Yes, we should," Alton said. Nathan muttered something that Alton couldn't very well understand, which was really something along the lines of an apology, but he didn't respond. With that, Alton unloaded his gun and prepared to leave.