Doc Kearney says that I need to start writing in my ‘feelings book’ again, I think he forgets that I’m not the 10 year old who first started seeing him 4 years ago. ‘Feelings book’ is just a cheesy way of saying ‘Hey Stiles I think you’re losing it so I want to delve into your psyche, so here’s a diary to write down all your deep dark feelings.’ It’s stupid. The only reason everyone thought it worked before was because I might have been 10 but I wasn’t stupid, I know what to write to make people think everything is ok. Or at least I did before. The only halfway fun thing about this is Doc Kearney told my Dad that he should start using a diary so he can “express his inner grief”. The look on my Dad’s face when Doc Kearney told him that was almost enough to make me laugh.
I hate this. Everything is different and sucks. I can’t concentrate on anything, not even video games which totally sucks because I was suppose to get better at Halo so I could kick Scott’s ass when he gets back from his Grandma and Grandpa’s but I just zone out whenever I try to play. I wish I could just be normal for a change. I wish there was someone here to yell at me for saying I’m not normal…
I finally told Doc Kearney that everything feels like it’s whirling around my head like a tornado and I just can’t get it to stop. I keep thinking about things that I really don’t want to think about. And no I don’t care what Doc says I’m not writing about the things I’m thinking about, I don’t want to do that yet. I just really want to be able to concentrate on shit that I want to concentrate on and not…not that, not her, not yet.
Anyways Doc changed my meds he said that Adderall might help me better than the Ritalin was. Maybe I’ll be able to sleep soon too…maybe I won’t feel like there’s a motor inside me constantly revving up and making feel like I need to be moving around and doing something.
After our appointment with Doc Kearney, Dad took me out for ice cream…I don’t know why, it’s not like I was even hungry but whatever. When I told Dad I didn’t want anything he ordered me two scoops anyways…it was chocolate chip mint. I couldn’t eat it because as soon as I saw it I remembered all the times that she would take me out for ice cream dinners when Dad was working late and I just missed her so damn much. I couldn’t stop myself from drumming on the table and bouncing my legs I know I was driving Dad crazy doing it but I just couldn’t stop myself... I just want to lie down and cuddle…but I can’t because she’s actually gone this time. She’s not in the hospital again and coming home after another round of chemo, she’s actually gone this time.
I hate it.
Scott’s back. It’s been awkward hanging out with him again, he’s always talking about how much he missed his Mom when he was gone and I finally just snapped at him and told him he was a fucking potato. I mean seriously? He was away for like two months and he got to come home and be with his mom…my Mom’s DEAD. Dead like NEVER coming back. Dead like gone. She gave up after fighting for 4 years and she left me after promising she never would. She’s dead and Mrs. McCall just needed someone to watch Scott while she was at work because he’s a moron who almost set his house on fire while cooking a pop-tart.
She’s dead. And Scott gives shitty hugs,
I went to see Doc Kearney on my own today while Dad was at work, he thinks I went on a hike in the Preserve with Scott, but I just really needed to talk to Doc today. After my insane freak out on Scott I thought I should talk to somehow who didn’t know my Mom. Well Doc knew my Mom, but it’s not like he was a friend of hers or loved her, she was just the hyperactive kid with the funny name’s Mom to him. Our appointment was good. I finally feel like I can breathe again and that it’s ok to actually want to breathe again.
I really miss my Mom, but maybe I don’t have to miss myself anymore.
First day of high school was today and let me just say this before I say anything else, Jackson Whittemore turned into a huge douchebag over the summer. I guess while I was at home hiding out in my bedroom Jackson was working out and lifting weights or something because he’s suddenly some jock how thinks he’s amazing. He wouldn’t even talk to me or Scott. The worst part of it all is Lydia Martin is totally into him now…I’m pretty sure that Danny Mahealani has a thing for him too. I think the Danny thing bugs me more, but I don’t know why.
Well I might know why but that’s nothing that I’m going to write down in my
diary I mean feelings book no, I mean diary. I’m awesome enough to admit I’m writing in a diary.
I GET JEEPERS!!! Seriously, I guess Dad saw me checking her out and he told me that if I help him fix her up that she’s mine. He said that Mom always talked about teaching me how to drive in her and letting me have her one day. He actually smiled at me and said "and we both know I could never say no to your Mom Kiddo.” So I totally get Jeepers. Now I just need to do some research and figure out how to work on cars and what not to do.
I really miss my Mom, but it’s nice to be able to joke around and laugh with my Dad again.
Plus, Dad hugs a helluva lot better than Scott.