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The Letter

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Dear Howard,


I don’t know what had happened between you and Jason and how I’m involved in it all.


I’d spend the last days looking through our old interviews from the 90th (like I did the last few years) and now I see some things clearer.

We always said what we loved the most first time around was the closeness between us five. And it’s true; we were very close for a long time. Everyone said I was the closest to Markie and it’s particular right but when I was looking to those clips on YT I recognised it wasn’t Mark alone I felt connected to.


Gary was more a friend to me then anyone will ever understand. I loved him from the bottom of my heart ‘til one particular ‘outside forces’ discovered it and turn it down. And I think you know how bad things can become when love turns into hate. And I really hated him because I wasn’t allowed to love him anymore.  I reckon he’d tell you after the reunion, otherwise I’m in trouble now.


Mark was like a twin brother for me. Nearly the same age we were in for every foolery. He knew all my little secrets but I never felt more for him like brotherly love.


You and me we had fun in the past, but even now I can see we had not much in comment. I was jealous because Gaz listened more to you then to me when it came to music. Today I know why (fact: I hadn’t a clue about music and writing songs) but then I didn’t understand.

I was jealous because you’d chosen Mark for some dance routines and not I (even if I knew I’d never made it as good as him).

And there was another jealousy: the closeness between you and Jay. I liked Jason from the beginning though I’d denied it over the years. I was searching for his closeness in the early years, I mean, I was just a kid and it gave me strength to be next to him.


But it was YOU being close to him. Sometimes he allowed me to lean on his shoulders during interviews, but it was YOUR shoulder he’d touched, sometimes secretly, but I was always aware of it.  It was YOUR gaze he was held on, YOUR chest he’d liked to touch during the photoshootings, YOUR side he was trying to stand by and it was YOU who he’d sat next to during dinners. It was always YOU.

Don’t get me wrong, Howard, all I was looking for was his friendship.


In the time of the break, when I was in the last rehab, I’d try to get a little closer to him and then he seems to understand what I needed. And yes, we became closer then we ever were. Through him I was able to make up with Gaz, to rediscover what I had in the past – four brothers whom I’d missed consciously orunconsciously since I’d left. But then again, it was YOU he was talking about: YOU and your kids (do you know how many pictures he has from them?), YOU and your (most unlucky) relationships, YOU and your DJing. How happy he was being back with YOU in Take That, sharing the success with YOU.


And then I realized: When you love somebody (even if it’s romantic or brotherly), it isn’t a question of time or a question of distance, it doesn’t matter how long you haven’t spoken to each other or what had happen in the meantime. When you hold on to the good times you had without forgetting what caused the bad times, real love is immortal. It’s jealousy that obscures the view of what we have, of how lucky we could be.


I talked to Jay over it and he resumed my whole discovering in one simple sentence: It’s jealousy that destroys happiness.


And like ever, he was right: Since I try not to be so jealous anymore, my happiness is back. I’m happy what I’ve reached in my career instead of being jealous that others reached more, I’m happy being back with all of you instead of being envious about the time you lot spend together as TT4.


And yes, I try not being jealous anymore about what you both have. I’d be happy, if you can give me a little bit of your friendship too, that’s all I’m asking for.


You know I’m not as good as Jay with words but I hope you can understand me. And maybe one day you can love me too.