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Derek vs iPhone

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To: Little Red
4:30 pm

Could ewe bring your cock over so we could redesign the weird sex?

Stiles choked so hard his eyes were watering. That must be it, he couldn't see the screen properly, otherwise there'd be no way he read that text correctly. He took another glance after getting tissue to wipe his eyes. Nope, it still said the same thing.

To: Sourwuff
4:37 pm

uuuuummm, u wanna elaborate on that?

To: Little Red
4:38 pm

That sex the group has been talking about, it's grenades really stegosaurus.

To: Sourwuff
4:39 pm


To: Little Red
4:40 pm

What are ewe bisexual?

To: Sourwuff
4:41 pm


To: Little Red
4:42 pm

Why do ewe keep saying tights?

To: Sourwuff
4:43 pm

u might want to reread those last txts u sent

To: Little Red
4:44 pm

Jesus Fucking Christmas! I got a new prostitute and I don't know how to work it yet.

To: Sourwuff

i rly hope u meant phone there

To: Little Red
4:46 pm

Fucking Albatross! I didn't mean prostitute I meant prostitute.

To Sourwuff
4:47 pm

that didn't clear it up

To: Little Red
4:48 pm

No, I meant prostitute.

To: Sourwuff
4:49 pm

r we goin to have to have a talk bout ur nymphomaniac problem


Stiles answered his phone as soon as it started ringing.

"So, new phone eh?"

"I'm going to kill my uncle," Derek gritted out.


"He insisted on getting an upgrade for his phone, even though his isn't that old. Then he insisted on a new phone for me. So, now I have this what is it, iPhone thing, and it's on some sort of autocorrect. Please tell me you've heard of autocorrect," Derek tried to keep from pleading, but his voice came out strained.

"I know what autocorrect is, but that means that you've typed all those words before. Ewes, grenades, cock, sex, stegosaurus? Really, what have you been talking about with your uncle?"

"Now I know why he wanted to have that ridiculous conversation earlier. He went off on a tangent about every little thing, I thought he was just trying out his phone."

"Your uncle is a frightening mastermind, you really need to stop having him talk you into things," Stiles told Derek.

"I know, he's been going on about fixing the house since he's been back, but I know he wants to do it for some ulterior purpose."

"Oh, um not that, I meant other things. I think you need to fix the house too, and might have mentioned it to him so he'd talk to you about it," Stiles sheepishly added.


"What? That house needs rebuilding. You and Peter hang out there, the pack hangs out there, I hang out there because of all of you and I worry every time that it's going to end up crashing down on me. You all will be okay, but the fragile human will be dead if your rickety charred lumber has finally had enough."

"I didn't know you worried about it," Derek answered softly.

"I don't like letting you know I worry because then you worry. It's a snowball effect. Besides, I sort of thought you'd start fixing it, when, you know, you were ready. Not that I'm saying that you need to be ready anytime soon, but just that, when you were ready," Stiles rushed out.

"I don't know if I can, handle seeing it like..." Derek trailed off but Stiles understood.

"So make it different, it doesn't have to be the same. If you want my two cents, the kitchen needs to be ten times bigger if you want me to feed our walking garbage disposals."

"It's terrifying how much they eat."

"Teen werewolves, whatcha going to do? I bet you were just the same, you just don't remember it."

"Peter would know. I wasn't the only teen."

"You know, Peter is terrifying but I really need to harass him for stories of you when you were younger."

"Don't you dare. I can just imagine what he'd tell you."

"What were you trying to say earlier when you started talking about grenades?"

"I was trying to ask if you could bring your computer over so we could research that horrible stench that the pack keeps smelling. They say it's getting stronger, and Peter and I caught a whiff of it earlier."

"So, you didn't want to have kinky sex with weapons and prostitutes?"

"What? No, fuck, that wasn't, Stiles," Derek stumbled over his words making Stiles grin.

"So, you don't want to have kinky sex? Or are you still wondering about my sexuality?"

"What? Jesus Christ, Stiles," Derek huffed out.

"I mean, is it still considered bisexual when the species differ? Maybe I should ask Peter that too? Or about what kinky werewolf sex practices I should be aware of?"

"Oh my God," Derek groaned, "I can't believe this is the conversation we are having. I just wanted to borrow you and your research skills." Stiles could hear Derek banging his head on a hard surface.

"So, you don't want my cock to come over there?"

"I, what, that's not what I, I didn't, not that I don't, but not that I meant that, or meant to say that, I mean do you, wait forget that I, I mean what, do I?" In the most words Stiles had ever heard Derek string together was an admission somewhere. Stiles just had to find it.

"Teasing you is too easy, Prudewolf," Stiles laughed to himself.

"I'm not a prude."

"Could've fooled me."


"Keep your pants on, or maybe off, I'm coming over with my computer," Stiles told Derek before hanging up.

Stiles shook his head, wondering what the ulterior motive was for Peter trying to get Derek into Stiles' pants. Maybe he actually wanted to see Derek happy. Stiles snorted, nah, that would be too easy.