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The Joys and Pains of Womanhood

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The muted static over the comms was grating to the ears, made more so by the fact that it cut short Eggsy’s sudden and pained shout.

For half a second there was silence and stillness in the tech department before Merlin suddenly yelled orders at all available tech staff and handlers to find him an in with the unbreachable security. Without Eggsy’s glasses feed, they were virtually blind. And with an agent potentially down at that.

Arthur came screeching into the department half a minute later.

“We’re working on getting visual,” Merlin informed him without being asked. His hands were a blur over the keyboard, and he didn’t dare look away while he and three of his best people worked through the lines of code rapidly scrolling down the monitors. They hadn’t had any luck in the past few weeks, but he wouldn’t let that stop him from trying again if there was even a remote chance of getting to Eggsy.

“Pull Geraint out of Belgium,” Harry ordered. Merlin gave not a word of confirmation, but he knew his people well enough to know that Geraint’s handler would be working on it the second Harry uttered the command. His attention narrowed to a single point of focus: desperately finding a hole in the security system.

It was air-tight and Merlin proof--a feat he previously had not thought possible--delaying the mission for weeks until they could solve the problem. After all, without access to the in-house security system, a handler was blind and an agent on his own, but the problem was growing at a rate not conducive to further delays. The company was making breakthroughs with their human experimentation activities, and Kingsman needed to strike now. So they sent Eggsy in with Merlin as his handler, blinded to all activities but those caught by Eggsy’s glasses and some strategically placed Kingsman cameras--cameras that weren’t enough right now to give them the information they needed.

“How long?” Harry asked, but Merlin didn’t have an answer for him, so he said nothing.

For half an hour, Merlin typed and read relentlessly. Unending lines of code scrolled across his vision, meeting one dead end after another and doubling back again. There was tension in the air and in the line of his back, only bolstered by Arthur’s presence. Sweat beaded his forehead as each ticking second professed further uncertainty.

And then with the same suddenness of the static’s appearance, Eggsy’s glasses feed flickered back online.

The tech department was up in arms, screaming at each other for extraction teams and medical units. Merlin was on his feet, hissing into the microphone and locking into Eggsy’s GPS coordinates.

“Galahad!” he called out, mindful of Eggsy’s touch-and-go predicament. “Status!”

“Fuck,” was Eggsy’s first word, clear and coherent, a little alarmed and a little groggy, and Merlin heard a sharp sigh of relief from Harry. “Fuck, Merlin. Bruv, I’m so glad t’ hear from you.” His voice was tinny and strange. Probably the side-effect of the interruption to the feed. In any case, it wasn’t Merlin’s top priority right now.

“Status,” Merlin repeated, calmer now that Eggsy was alive and didn’t seem in any immediate danger.

“I… Shit, I’m not sure. I feel fine, but.” He stopped abruptly. Merlin waited a second more for any follow up, but heard none.

“Eggsy?” he tried again. For another few seconds, there was silence on Eggsy’s end and after that, a short sound of hysterical laughter. To prompt a response, Merlin offered. “We have an extraction team en route. Geraint’s ETA is in fifty three minutes. Can you hold on until then?”

Eggsy’s laugh, unamused as it was though no longer hysterical, was still a welcomed sound. “Got no choice about that, yeah? No, I’m fine, actually, almost as right when I left HQ. They got me stashed in a closet with a massive shiner and shit, but I can finish the mission.”

“Give me a rundown of your plan,” Merlin ordered.

“By the humidity and the feel ov the walls, ’m pre’y confident they pu’ me down in the basement. Most me weapons are gone, but I’ve still go’ the garrote wire in me suit, and luckily, they lef’ me me glasses. I may be able ter pick the door or kick it down--either or--and then take out a few guards, nab their guns and find me way ter the East Wing. I’ll take out Wells as soon as I can and the rest ov ‘is minions after, but I may need ter bring ‘ome their top scientist wiv me. ‘Ave Geraint prep fer that.”

Merlin frowned in thought. “We don’t need to take in anyone, Eggsy. You’re only tasked with taking out Wells.”

“Yeah, well. I’m kinda needin’ his help on this.” Without further ado, Eggsy took his glasses off and turned the camera into his face.

Into his very female face.

“Well, fuck me,” Merlin breathed into the hushed air.


“Caught me by surprise, blasted me back,” Eggsy explained five hours later while medical checked him over, moving and prodding him as necessary. God, his voice still sounded so weird.

He supposed he should be more concerned with his nudity beyond the briefs he was still wearing considering both Merlin and Harry stood before him and his new (but temporary!) female body, but he was beaten up, tired, confused, and not a little bit worried about the outlook of his near and far future, and to be frank, he didn’t quite feel that this was his body, so he didn’t care.

“For ten whole minutes, it felt like I was being stabbed all over. Didn’ even notice ‘em draggin’ me downstairs. I honestly though’ I was dyin’,” Eggsy said. Then he paused, caught in the memory. “I kinda wanted ter at that point, it was so painful.” Harry jerked minutely, but Eggsy still caught it and shot him a placating smile. “I musta passed out ‘coz I woke up later in the basement with brand new tits and a cunt.”

Merlin made a face. “Charming,” he said. Eggsy beamed.

“So any idea ‘ow an’ when I’m gunna get me body back?” And weren’t those the strangest words to ever come out of mouth. He would have laughed and made a cheeky remark right there, but Merlin exchanged a look with Harry, and the situation suddenly seemed a whole lot less amusing.

“We can’t say just yet, Eggsy,” Harry said, gravelly but placatingly. “We’re still negotiating with Dr. Ivanovitch to reverse the effects of the ray which really shouldn’t take too long, but there’s still the matter of developing the reversal.”

“So, wot? We lookin’ at a few days? Weeks?”

“Ivanovitch says it would take him a month. At least,” Merlin answered for him. “He says the reversal was still in development when Wells demanded the ray be put into production, and that it would take him at least a month to finish his research and build a functioning reversal ray.”

Eggsy took a moment to think about that while the doctor declared him physically fine save for the scrapes and bruises that were an inevitable result of any mission. And his new tits, that was, but it was as good a clean bill of health as any and meant he didn’t have to stay in Medical any longer--always a win in his book.

Tits, though.

He glanced at them evaluatively in the mirror off to the side of the bed. “Am I gunna able ter go on missions?” Because that was the next important question after whether or not it would be reversible.

He stood up and headed to the mirror, twisting to one side to check out his profile. The breasts weren’t huge by any standard of the imagination--he’d certainly seen and touched bigger--but they were enough to emphasize the feminine quality of his body while being small enough that they wouldn’t impact his movement. He hefted them up with his hands and let them drop, trying out the weight and feel of them should he run.

“You’d need to undergo testing to see how well you work like this, but assuming you pass all tests satisfactorily, there shouldn’t be any reason why you can’t.” Eggsy glanced at Merlin through the mirror, intending to express an appreciation for the good news, but found the Scot looking rather intently down at the clipboard. Eggsy smirked.

“Aces! You’re the guv, Merlin,” he said emphatically. “I could probably get started on trainin’ today. Although, I suppose I should wait for Roxy ter sort out gettin’ a bra, whatchoo think?”

Merlin’s cough was overshadowed by Harry’s observation. “You’re taking remarkably well to this whole debacle.” Eggsy glanced at him curiously. His tone was calm and unaffected and his posture equally so, but when Eggsy found his eyes, he also found in them a promising darkness.

He sent Harry his best smile. “If Roxy and Gazelle ‘ad taught me anything, it’s that women can be just as deadly as any man, so I have only the ‘ighest respect for the female form--turnin’ into one is ‘ardly a step down.”

“True,” Harry agreed. “But surprisingly mature of you.”

Eggsy stuck his tongue out at him before his smile turned flirty at the edges and he gave Harry a small wink. “‘Sides can’t say I ‘aven’t been curious.”

Please do me the decency of waiting until you get home before trying out Eggsy’s new body,” Merlin interjected imploringly with an implied groan and an affected air of someone who has been unwillingly subjected to unpleasantness far too many times. “I have enough footage of you two getting about in HQ to last several lifetimes.”

Eggsy grinned sweetly at him. “Been savin’ ‘em for a special night in, ‘ave you, Merl?” He batted his eyelashes outrageously and earned himself an uttered groan.

“I’ll sell them to porn sites for your cheek,” Merlin threatened before sending Harry a reproachful look. “Do try to keep your dalliances private, Arthur. I would hope to be able to count on your discretion since we both know there’s no hope in hell for your boy.”

Harry only hummed, and in a thoughtful tone, said, “‘My girl’ now, I’d suppose. And I’d expect an equal three-way split for all porn site proceeds, of course.” Merlin rolled his eyes.

“Oi!” Eggsy cut in before a response could be had. “”S much as I respect women ov all shapes an’ sizes, I’m still a guy under all this and am goin’ back ter bein’ one at the first available opportunity. I won’t be takin’ ter pronoun changes, understood?” Harry lifted a brow, but smiled anyway, dark and molten.

“Doesn’t mean we can’t take advantage of it while we can, darling,” he said as he sauntered over, slowly backing Eggsy up against the sink until his briefed ass was sliding over the rim. The door clicked shut, but neither paid it any mind. A hand drifted up to cup Eggsy’s cheek, and Harry’s thumb dragged beneath Eggsy’s eye. “While I can still call you my girl.” And like all the other times Harry affected that sinful voice, Eggsy’s eyes fluttered shut and his lips parted in anticipation of a kiss. Sometimes, Harry granted it easily; sometimes, he’d make Eggsy wait. This time, he traced his thumb over his lips and pressed a thumb in, which Eggsy closed his mouth over almost immediately.

“Lovely,” Harry murmured, pushing between Eggsy’s thighs almost absently. The digit in his mouth provided him focus and purpose. He pleasured it like it was Harry’s cock in his mouth, teasing and nibbling and sucking. So involved in it that he barely felt Harry’s other hand slipping beneath his briefs and sliding between the lips of his cunt.

“Oh!” Eggsy gasped, releasing Harry’s thumb and jerking his hips forward when one finger slid over his clit. “Oh…” he repeated more sensuously when Harry glided back over it. Heat and electricity combined radiated from that point and spread throughout his body, culminating at the tips of his toes. “Oh, fuckkk…” he moaned, tipping his head back against the mirror and when Harry dipped his head to kiss at his throat, his finger moved further south and into him.

It didn’t last, to Eggsy’s complete disappointment, but his protest died in his throat when Harry’s finger came back shiny and wet, and all remaining coherence fled when Harry sucked his finger into his mouth.

Very lovely,” the older man murmured teasingly. Eggsy’s mouth opened and closed several times before Harry chuckled and pressed a quick kiss to his mouth. “Come. We’ll take the rest of the afternoon off. I’m sure Merlin can hold the fort down while we asses your new...” He eyed Eggsy up and down. “Figure.”

Eggsy managed a grin. “So I take it you’re digging the look?” He made sure to sway his hips as he walked over to the desk to put his clothes, the now ill-fitting Kingsman suit, back on. A quick glance showed Harry looking at him with covetousness clear on display.

“I’ll take you in any way shape or form,” was his lover’s answer. “But I’ll admit that this opens up a whole new world of opportunities for us.” Eggsy grinned.

“Opportunities, huh?”

“My dear Eggsy,” Harry drawled as he neared and caught Eggsy around the waist. “Tonight, I will make you see stars.”


A sight they must have made, hurriedly stalking through the halls of the estate and, later, the shop. Every motion, every action professing unmistakable intent.

For a moment, Eggsy remembered Merlin's words. Arthur, Harry, was the epitome of a gentleman: calm, collected, and professional. And here Eggsy was taking all that away--in front of the people they worked with, no less. Then Harry looked back to him, flashing him a naughty smirk that made Eggsy fall in love with him all over again. He thought to himself, "Fuck it. Harry's a grown man. He can make his own bleedin' decisions."

They encountered one or two bewildered stares from colleagues before they reached the tube to the shop, but before Eggsy could voice concern about it--that is, whether or not they'd have some explaining to do with Harry hauling around an unfamiliar woman for very clear reasons when everyone and their mothers knew that Harry and Eggsy were together--Harry had him pinned up against the inside of the doors and ravaged his mouth, all finesse and care thrown out of the window, and Eggsy could only hold on to Harry's shoulders and moan.

The lips of his cunt throbbed almost painfully, and the moisture there nearly dripped out, he was so wet. He moved to squeeze his legs shut just in case, but Harry grabbed the back of his thighs and hefted Eggsy up into his arms.

"Gettin' me juices on--" he started before Harry cut him off with a savage kiss, pushing him further into the doors. Eggsy was only glad the tube ride was smooth that they didn’t fall over as they kissed. For a brief moment, he worried about the end of the ride where momentum was sure to take care of that, but Harry, it seemed, was well aware and released him moments before then.

With a last kiss, Harry ushered him out of the tube and into the shop where Dagonet eyed him suspiciously. Eggsy gave him a cheeky wave, but Harry deigned to let him stop for a chat. “We’ll be back tomorrow for a fitting,” Harry told the tailor shortly instead.

The cab ride was intense, short thought it was. Eggsy was only glad that Kingsman staff had such discretion because neither he nor Harry could keep their hands to themselves. The eleven-minute ride was filled with moans and the slick sounds of wet kisses, and when they arrived at the Mews, they could only manage one word of thanks.

The door to Harry’s home was opened and shut with a speed borne of lust and desperation, and afterwards, Eggsy felt himself once more pressed up against a door, his legs wrapped around Harry’s waist, and his arms pinned above his head, only this time, his trousers and pants had been pushed off prior.

As he was kissed to Heaven and back, Eggsy rocked himself onto Harry's unfortunately clothed cock, getting the front of his pants wet in his desperate need for friction. Utterly frustrating was what it was because he didn't fucking know how this worked! With a cock, it was easy, rub up against object of affection and, boom, orgasm. This, though, he rubbed and rubbed and rubbed and found himself only even more frustrated.

"Harry," he whined, but the older man shushed him.

"I'll take care of you," Harry promised before letting him down so that he could guide them up to the bedroom.

Eggsy unclothed the rest of his suit quickly and sprawled out on the bed, while Harry stood back to openly admire him, spread legs and all. "You are quite gorgeous like this, my darling," he said with a soft smile.

"A better gorgeous?" Eggsy asked hesitantly. Harry gave him a reassuring smile.

"Just a different gorgeous. I want you whatever gender, shape or form you take," was his answer.

Eggsy grinned widely. "So let's say I get turned into a cat..."

Harry lifted an eyebrow. "Cheeky," he remarked, but otherwise gave no answer. Instead, he started removing his own clothes.

Eggsy had watching Harry strip an innumerable amount of times before, but each and every one of those affected him just the same: anticipation, lust, heat. Inch by inch of skin, scar after scar was revealed to him and he mentally mapped out the path his mouth would take to get to each of them.

Harry's smile was knowing, so when he finally ridded himself of his socks and shoes and climbed on the bed over Eggsy, he stroked his cheek and said, "Let me. This is about you tonight. I'm going to show you how to enjoy this body while it lasts."

And Eggsy had no doubt he would. Harry was an experienced and giving lover--to women just as much as he was to men, to Eggsy. Eggsy was in for a ride, he was.

Harry's mouth found his in a light kiss, nipping at his lips and exploring the insides of his mouth like it was new, though Eggsy supposed it was. His mouth on Eggsy’s was divine as it was familiar, but it was his hands that Eggsy found himself hung up on.

The older man kneeled over him, creating space for him to explore and caress the dips and curves of his new body. Fingers glided over his jaw, inadvertently tipping Eggsy's face up. They moved down the length of his neck, the thumb sliding down the front to note the lack of an Adam's apple. At Eggsy’s collarbones, his mouth started to follow the path created by his fingers, first nipping at his jaw then kissing its way down his neck. When a kiss was pressed to where his Adam's apple used to be, Harry dragged his fingers over the mountain of his breasts and cupped them tightly.

At Eggsy's moan, Harry pulled back to smile at him. "Lovely creature," he murmured, a sweet, tender thing if not for the thumbs playing with the very tips of his nipples. Eggsy moaned louder, pushing his chest up into Harry's touch and unconsciously spreading his legs wider. He could feel the wetness of his cunt sliding out and between his arse cheeks. The thought made him flush madly.

And then Harry's mouth was on one nipple, just the very tip, flicking it lightly with his tongue in tiny kitten licks. Eggsy cried out. His fingers sunk into Harry's hair for grounding, holding on as the teasing licks sent his mind spiralling. His other nipple, meanwhile, was suddenly pinched quite hard, making him shout a pleasured invective. The motion was repeated, once, twice, thrice more, and Eggsy found himself begging, "Harry, please. Please. I can't--I need. Harry, Harry!" He thrust his chest up into Harry's mouth, needing more of it, needing more. Harry, however, only switched sides, teasing the other nipple with his mouth and pinching the first with his hand. "Jesus, Harry!" Eggsy sobbed. His cunt was sopping and throbbing and empty, and he needed to change that. "Please! Please, Harry!"

"Impatient," was the teasing rebuke, but he was already sliding down Eggsy's stomach, leaving his breasts painfully unstimulated. To compensate, Eggsy released Harry's hair and squeezed them once. The smile on Harry's mouth was amused and heated all at once. "Why don't you leave your hands there?" he suggested before he pressed a kiss to the hollow of Eggsy's navel and dipped his tongue into it.

"Fucking Christ," Eggsy whined. His hips rocked up to rub against Harry, an automatic habit, but found no relief as the older man still hovered a distance away.

"Such blasphemies," Harry chuckled.

"Shut up," Eggsy volleyed back. "Fucking, come on, Harry. You're such a fucking tease, you arsehole."

"Maybe I shouldn't," Harry hummed into his belly. "Might teach you to mind your filthy mouth."

"Fuck you," Eggsy whined, pushing his hips into Harry's chest. "Harry, please." He slung a thigh over Harry's shoulder to push him lower. He wasn't quite sure what to expect when Harry went down on him, to be honest, but he knew he needed Harry's mouth down there, and he knew it was going to be goddamned spectacular.

"Well, since you ask so politely," was the laughingly sarcastic response to the manhandling.

"Shut up," would have been Eggsy's response, but then Harry's tongue was licking his clit and burning him from the inside out all the way to his toes.

It was a strange sensation, hot in an almost literal sense and somewhat ticklish, and Eggsy had to squeeze his breasts tight to keep from tugging Harry away. He cried out against the sensations as he bore it, letting Harry push him and push him and push him. The thought that Harry was eating his pussy out only bolstered his arousal, and suddenly the heat and ticklish sensation disappeared and were replaced with a sudden a tidal wave of pleasure.

Eggsy screamed.

His body convulsed in Harry's grip, the sensation of the orgasm disconcerting without ejaculate. Eggsy wasn't quite sure if that was it, to be honest, but the debilitating pleasure was a pretty good giveaway.

It was over in a few seconds, and overstimulation from Harry's tongue turned into that same ticklish sensation once more. His legs twitched and his hips writhed from the ministrations. He slid his fingers into Harry's hair to pull him off, but the other man only grabbed his wrists and held them down tight against the bed.

An inexplicable panic settled into Eggsy as he fought against the urge to throw Harry off of him. His clit bore a mixture of sensations, not terrible, but not exactly pleasurable either. "Harry," he tried, but Harry didn't stop, still kept those steady little flicks of tongue over his clit, teasing and teasing and teasing despite the uncomfortable pleasure. And then one wrist was released and a finger pushed into his hole and then Eggsy was screaming another orgasm into Harry's mouth.

And still Harry didn't stop.

His third orgasm came quickly, bringing tears into his eyes as he cried out.

"Fuckfuckfuck, Harry. Harry!" he sobbed when Harry kept at it, licking and sucking and fingering him at a steady, consistent pace. "Harry, please. Please."

His fourth orgasm came quickly after that, and the tears that had been hovering in the corners of his eyes fell into the pillow at Eggsy’s head. Four in a fucking row, and Harry was determined to push him into a fifth.

His pussy was on fire and gushing at the same time. It throbbed like his heart had decided to take residence there, and it felt so fucking empty even with Harry’s finger resting in there.

He begged. "Please, Harry. Please. Want you, please. Fuck me, fuck me."

The tongue continued to stroke at his hypersensitive clit, his legs twitched, and his hips writhed, and then he was sobbing out his fifth orgasm.

And then and then and only then Harry was finally fucking sinking into the wetness of his hole, and Eggsy howled.

His length was hard and hot and so impossibly perfect that Eggsy babbled pleasured invectives between his sobs.

"Fucking beautiful," Harry grunted above him, manhandling his thighs up between their chests and over his shoulders, none of his frenzied thrusts wavering. The new angle stabbed something inside of Eggsy, and he screamed.


"Yes. God, yes," Harry answered, stabbing him over and over and over until he half felt like he needed to piss but mostly that he couldn't fucking think.

"There, there, God, Harry. Harder. Please. More...!" Harry kissed him, wet and messy and desperate, obliging beautifully.

"Gorgeous," he grunted while Eggsy sobbed beneath him. "My gorgeous girl. Gonna make you cry for me all the time."

"God, Harry!" Eggsy cried.

Harry grunted out an incoherent response as his hips stuttered. Then Eggsy felt it, that split second before Harry came when his cock felt bigger and lighted up all the nerve endings in his pussy. It was divine, and Eggsy only regretted that it lasted just half a second long.

Harry collapsed on top of him after that, their mouths finding each other, easy and lazy even with Eggsy still folded in half. He didn't mind. His flexibility was aces.

"Mmm," he murmured when Harry eventually rolled off of him and onto his side.

"How was it?" Harry asked, pressing kisses to his shoulder and tracing circles on his hip with a thumb.

"Fuckin' spectacular," was Eggsy's dreamy answer. "Goddamn but five orgasms in a row. If I could do that with a dick, you and I will never leave this room. Women have all the fuckin' luck."

Harry chuckled and leaned over him, pressing more tiny kisses to his mouth. "One of these days, we're going to take a day off, you and I. I'm going to lay you out and see exactly how many times I can make you come in a row." Harry's eyes gleamed. "You're going to cry for me, darling." The thought was expectedly arousing, and even with come seeping out of his hole, Eggsy felt up for another round. Harry wouldn't mind eating him out right now, Eggsy was sure, if he asked.

But a thought suddenly popped up in his mind before he could think about that further. "D'ya reckon we should've used a johnnie?" he asked. Harry's eyebrows drew together in confusion before they lifted in surprise and a small degree of worry.

"Shit," he said and grabbed his glasses off the night stand. "Merlin," he said after a quick moment. "Have you had a chance to look further into Dr. Ivanovitch's studies?" He was quiet for a bit, then followed his question up with "Might there be something in it discussing the... uh, the viability of the reproductive area?" His voice was moderately strangled in such a way that declared his embarrassment.

Eggsy quickly scrambled for his own glasses that were thrown haphazardly on the floor. He put it on and requested permission to join the conversation that was granted just as Merlin was saying, "--possibility for conception." There was laughter in his voice that Eggsy did not appreciate.

"Wait, wot?" he asked, but both men ignored his question for now.

Harry sighed. "We'll pop over to the chemist then. Thank you, Merlin."

"Make good choices, kids. Practise safe sex!" Merlin managed to put in before they both discarded their glasses.

"Wot did Merlin say?" Eggsy asked apprehensively. He chewed on his lip because he knew what Merlin said. Harry sighed once more.

"He said there's as much a chance of pregnancy as with any other woman," he answered. "And that we should obtain ourselves a Plan B if we do not intend to become parents within the next year."

"Seriously?!" was Eggsy's half hysterical, half curious exclamation.

"Afraid so, darling." Harry leaned over to kiss him, and when he pulled back, he was smiling a strange little smile. "Though that isn't to say I wouldn't want to consider having children with you in the fu--" Eggsy slapped a hand over his mouth before anything further could be said.

"Harry, I love you. But if you start a fuckin' proposal with thoughts about kids, I will punch you." Harry's lips curved into a smile that Eggsy felt against his palm. His hand was pulled away and Harry kissed him.

"Duly noted. Any other tips I should know about for my proposal, then?" he asked teasingly.

"Yeah," Eggsy grinned, challenging. "It better be fuckin' magical, you get me?" Harry's laugh was bright and delighted.