Craig Tucker likes routines. They’re boring, they’re predictable, and above all they’re comfortable. This is one of many reasons that Craig had a problem with the Asian girls turning his life upside down. When they drew those gay pictures of him and Tweek Tweak the whole town went crazy. After that, all his old routines were corrupted by the new pretend relationship he’d been bullied into in order to shut the town up.
But then, over time, the corrupted routines just became new routines. Almost six years had passed and due to the pathetic destruction of the town’s morale following their first breakup, they hadn’t really had the guts to try it again. They stayed together in their weird platonic-gay relationship.
This morning, like all other mornings, he was waiting in front of the Tweak home. It used to bother him to stand out here, fully visible to all the stupid townspeople sticking their noses in his business. No one stared anymore, well, no one except Tweek’s dad who stood pressed against the window as his son left the house. Craig could easily ignore him after all these years.
“Morning,” he greeted the blond in his usual stoic voice.
“Good morning,” Tweek answered and handed him one of the two coffees he was holding.
Tweek was twitching again this morning so Craig grabbed his free hand, knowing from five years of experience that it would make it stop. It did.
While Craig had originally hated having his old routines ruined for the sake of including Tweek in them, he didn’t mind anymore. He had new routines. They walked into school, hand in hand, drinking coffee as they did every morning.
“You buttoned your shirt wrong again,” Craig pointed out as they took off their jackets and put them in the lockers for the day. Part of South Park’s ridiculous attempt to be PC had somehow included always assigning the two of them lockers next to each other in support of their relationship.
Tweek looked down and groaned in aggravation of his own lack of buttoning skills. Why he still insisted on wearing button-downs was beyond Craig’s comprehension. The blond turned to face his locker and unbuttoned his shirt to start over. In his caffeine-induced hurry, though, he was about to fail the task again.
“Just let me,” Craig said and rolled his eyes.
This was an almost daily routine now as well. When Craig was to have Tweek with him all the time, he might as well make sure the kid didn’t look homeless. The first couple of times he’d buttoned Tweek’s shirt for him, their classmates had whispered and giggled around them. After years of it happening several times a week, however, no one even raised an eyebrow anymore.
Kyle and Stan greeted them as they walked past them to class. Tweek waved, Craig ignored them. Kyle Broflovski had been the only one to ever question why Craig and Tweek were still together if they weren’t really gay, but Craig could find it useful just for the mere reason of people not finding him rude as long as at least Tweek answered them back. It was like people saw them as a unity instead of two people and, honestly, it got Craig out of a lot of trouble.
And wasn’t like he minded Tweek’s company, he thought as they hugged each other goodbye and headed in different directions of the school. They had a lot in common. They both liked the same movies and videogames - although it took a great deal of persuasion and bribing on Craig’s part to get Tweek to play horror games. During their many hours together, Craig even discovered that Tweek was funny. The blond’s messed up conspiracy theories were entertaining and whenever Craig managed to get him to curse or flip someone off, it was downright hysterical. Honestly, being boyfriends with Tweek was just like having a regular best friend, but with more handholding and hugging.
“Sup, dude,” Clyde grinned as Craig sat down next to him.
“Sup,” Craig muttered back uninterested. Clyde began talking to him about a new reality show about some people getting famous for being stupid, and Craig just barely managed to keep nodding without falling asleep. He didn’t get enough sleep the night before and it was incredibly hard to focus on anything beyond the idea of going back home to his bed.
“… just don’t understand why you haven’t kicked McCormick’s ass yet,”
“What?” Craig questioned sceptically as the last sentence of Clyde’s word tsunami actually registered with his mind. How long had he been out?
“I’m just saying, dude. I really don’t think you should tolerate him coming on to Tweek like that,” Clyde explained. “Doesn’t that kinda disrespect you? Don’t gays have a guy code for this like us straight guys?”
“No?” Craig said incredulously. Kenny was hitting on Tweek? He hadn’t noticed. Must be all in Clyde’s head. Kenny was just a little more physically friendly than most.
“But why? Why doesn’t it bother you that he’s hitting on your boyfriend?” Clyde asked in disbelief.
‘Because Tweek’s not gay’ was what Craig wanted to answer but that would open up for a whole other argument.
“It doesn’t bother him because Craig trusts Tweek,” Wendy answered for him. “They’ve been together since they were ten, for God’s sake, Clyde. You don’t stay together that long without a solid foundation of trust. Right, Craig?”
“Um, right…” Craig said awkwardly, wondering if maybe it wasn’t all in Clyde’s head if Wendy seemed to know about it, too.
“Still,” Clyde pouted. “It’s really disrespectful of Kenny”.
“Tsk, it’s Kenny,” Wendy said and rolled her eyes just as their teacher entered the classroom.
He felt weird from his conversation with Clyde and Wendy when he finally got to leave class. He headed towards their lockers to meet up with the twitchy blond before lunch. He stopped dead in his tracks. Tweek was already there by his locker, with Kenny McCormick looming over him. Kenny was talking excitedly, leaning impossibly close to Tweek who smiled genuinely and nodded at whatever was being told.
“Hey,” Craig greeted loudly to get their attention and placed himself next to Tweek.
“Hi,” Tweek smiled and turned to him. His fingers were beginning to shake again and Craig took his hand without even thinking about it. The shaking stopped. Kenny raised a questioning eyebrow at the quick hand grabbing. Most couples in school kissed or hugged first.
“So,” Kenny began turning back to Tweek. “Are you still coming to Token’s tonight?”
“Yes, we are” Craig answered for him, going for the unity angle to get McCormick to acknowledge him. He still wasn’t sure if Kenny really was hitting on Tweek. But if he was, then Clyde was right, that really did violate the Guy Code.
Kenny smiled calculatingly with a “That’s great” that, although it sounded friendly, somehow came off more mischievous. Craig felt irritation rise in him and began pulling Tweek towards the cafeteria for lunch. Kenny followed them closely, whistling to himself all the way.
“Dude, you’ll tear my arm off,” Tweek complained when Craig tried to walk faster to get away from the sound of Kenny’s whistling.
“I won’t,” Craig said flatly and pulled at Tweek’s hand. “Walk faster. I’m hungry.”
In sheer protest, Tweek walked in near slow motion the rest of the way. While he usually admired the blond for not being a pushover despite all his anxiety issues, today he really wasn’t in the mood. He glared daggers at his boyfriend throughout their entire lunch period, making several of the girls in the cafeteria send them worried glances. Guess some people still cared too much about their relationship.
He picked Tweek up at eight that night. His boyfriend had actually made somewhat of an effort out of himself. His neat dark shirt was buttoned properly, he was wearing tight black (and clean) jeans, and his hair had been tamed into looking like it was on purpose. Craig gave him a smile of approval without even thinking about it.
“Ready to go?” Craig asked and ignored Tweek’s father trying to call him inside for a photograph of the two ‘lovebirds’.
“Sure, just let me get my jacket,” Tweek answered and downed his coffee.
The wind wasn’t as cold anymore and neither of them had bothered wearing gloves, leaving Craig to feel every tremor in Tweek’s hand as he told him about another one of his weird nightmares about underpants gnomes.
“And the school wasn’t actually a school at all! It was all a plot for them to steal my underpants!” he exclaimed in horror. Craig laughed.
“It’s not funny!” Tweek said in indignation, though his eyes looked pleased at the positive reaction.
“But it’s definitely stupid,” Craig snorted as they walked up Token’s long driveway. The music could easily be heard from the outside, along with many loud voices. Must be more people there, than they’d thought.
“Maybe we shouldn’t go in,” Tweek said shakily, hating crowds even more than Craig did. “Too much pressure, too many people!”
Craig rolled his eyes at Tweek’s antics and let go of his hand to put a comforting arm around the blond’s shoulders instead. He felt the shaking subside.
“You’ll be fine,” he said as encouragingly as he could. “You are capable of more than you think, remember?”
The door was yanked open by Clyde who greeted them both enthusiastically. He dragged them straight to the kitchen in order to start ‘the process of getting shitfaced’. Craig promptly removed the drink Clyde had put in Tweek’s hand. The boy was a lightweight and Clyde was too fond of vodka. There was no way he was spending another night holding a crying, sick Tweek because of poor supervision. He gave Tweek a beer from the fridge instead and took a sip of the drink. Fuck, that was a lot of vodka.
“Thanks, I guess” Tweek grinned at the disgusted look on Craig’s face.
Then he must have realised they had moved into one of the living rooms with the dreaded mass of drunk teenagers. Craig was about to take his hand again but Tweek had already snuck an arm around his waist and was holding on to him like he was driftwood after a shipwreck.
“You’re doing great, man. Just relax,” Craig reassured him and took another sip of his drink. Waaaay too much vodka. Was there even anything else in this?
Tweek nodded gravely and sipped from his beer. Wendy and one of her Japanese friends came up to them to show them new pieces of yaoi art. While most of South Park had gotten over the initial hype of Craig and Tweek, Wendy hadn’t. In fact, she’d taking up a new hobby of drawing to create more yaoi of them when the Asian girls had found another target.
“And this is you on the beach,” she said excitedly. “Uh, and this one’s kinda sexy!”
Kinda sexy? Tweek and Craig stared at the drawing on her phone in disbelief. That was downright porn! Craig found it hard to tear his eyes away from the abomination. He had to hand it to Wendy, she was getting better. It looked… almost real. His eyes wandered over the drawing of his naked self and down to the equally naked Tweek underneath him, face all screwed from pleasure yet still somehow looking absolutely flawless.
Craig became aware that Tweek’s fingers had dug painfully into his side. He tore his eyes away from the picture to glance down worriedly at the blond, checking for signs of a rising panic attack. He found none. Tweek’s face was completely red and his eyes wide but he didn’t seem to be shaking. And he was utterly refusing to look back at Craig despite a slight nudge.
“Wow, that’s…” Tweek tried to say something polite “really well coloured and shaded”.
“Right?!” Wendy exclaimed proudly while Craig sent Tweek a look of disbelief. “I bought Photoshop. It’s really good for this! I’m thinking about posting this online.”
“R-really?” Tweek finally got the right look of horror on his face.
“Yes! Hey, do you want me to print you guys a copy?” She asked.
Luckily, they never got to answer – or yell, in Craig’s case – as Stan caught sight of them and waved for their attention with the arm he wasn’t carrying beers with.
“Hey guys! We’re in the library, playing drinking games. Wanna join?” he called.
Sensing an easy way out, Tweek nearly ran towards the stair after Stan, dragging Craig with him as he went. In the library already sat Kyle, Kenny, Cartman and Butters. Craig wanted to leave the room as soon as he saw the smug look on Kenny’s face but Tweek pulled him along to sit up against a bookcase. He told himself he shouldn’t believe everything that Clyde said but found himself slipping his arm back around Tweek’s shoulders anyway. Gay or not, Tweek was still his and Kenny should know that.
“Alright,” Stan said and sat down too. “What are we playing?”
“What about ‘Never have I ever’?” Kenny suggested with a grin. That game really was just a way for him to brag about all the stupid things he’d done.
“No,” Craig and Tweek answered in unison with Butters nodding his head in agreement. Craig and Tweek had learned a long time ago not to play that game since sexual statements were bound to come and they would have to lie to look like they were actually doing stuff that couples should be doing. It was just an uncomfortable experience for them, every time.
“How about strip poker?” Kenny suggested again.
“How is that a drinking game?” Stan asked.
“If you drink while you do it?” Kenny joked, earning him a punch in the arm from both Cartman and Kyle who sat on either side of him.
“Can’t we just play beer pong or something?” Kyle asked tiredly and pointed towards the corner of the room. “We could use that desk over there.”
“Fine but I’m not playing on Kyle’s team,” exclaimed Cartman.
“Why not?” Stan asked in an aggravated voice.
“Because everyone knows Jews can’t play beer pong,” the fat boy explained matter-of-factly.
“Shut up, Fat-ass!” Kyle yelled.
“Ay! Don’t call me fa-!”
“Let’s just play!” Stan interrupted and got up to place a bunch of cups on the table. Next to Craig, Tweek let out a sigh. He hated games with competing involved. ‘Too much pressure’. Craig tightened his grip on his shoulder.
“At least it’s not ‘Never have I ever’,” he whispered into the blond’s ear. Tweek laughed.
“Craig! Stop making out with your boyfriend and help us set the game,” Cartman yelled.
Craig rolled his eyes at him but got up to help none the less. Keeping Cartman and Kyle on different teams meant that Craig and Tweek had to endure being on the fat-ass’ side with Stan, Kyle and Kenny being their opponents. Butters mumbled some weak excuse about not being allowed to play for fear of being grounded. He sat himself down next to the table to play referee, as if that was needed. As it turned out, though, a referee was indeed needed, as Stan and Kyle were pretty much annihilating them and Cartman started making up new rules they were breaking to avoid losing to his redheaded arch nemesis.
“Alright, your turn, Tweek!” Butters called, completely missing how the call made the boy in question flinch at the attention.
Tweek missed, obviously, but to be fair so did Craig. A lot. And as Cartman wasn’t much better, they barely hit any of the cups on the opposite side of the table. Stan and Kyle were so irritatingly skilled at the game that there was only one cup left for them to take out. Craig was starting to feel a bit buzzed, having insisted on drinking on behalf of both him and Tweek to keep his boyfriend from getting drunk.
“You alright, dude?” Tweek asked him as he made a face at the discovery. Craig waved him off. Stan missed his shot at their cup and it was Tweek’s turn again.
“You’d better not fucking miss this!” Cartman threatened. Tweek began to shake from the pressure and Craig sent Cartman a murderous glare.
“Shut the fuck up. It’s your fault we’re losing anyway,” he hissed at the fat-ass and placed a hand on Tweek’s back. It wasn’t helping as efficiently as usually but Tweek leaned back into the touch with a grateful smile aimed his way before taking aim.
“Fuck yeah!” Cartman yelled as the ball landed perfectly into one of the opposing teams cups. “Drink up, Losers!”
“We’re still way ahead, Fat-ass,” Kyle pointed out smugly and downed the beer.
Tweek beamed with pride as he turned to Craig who pulled him into a congratulatory hug. He could feel Tweek smile into his shirt and felt quite pleased about it until he caught sight of Kenny staring over the twitchy blond’s shoulder. He clutched Tweek a bit closer and moved them both to let Cartman get ready for his next turn.
Quite predictably, Cartman’s turn didn’t come as Kyle hit their last cup with the skills of a pro basketball player. Craig sighed irritably into Tweek’s hair, though he was sort of relieved that the tedious game was over.
Tweek manoeuvred around in Craig’s grip and made a move for their last cup, as Cartman was too busy arguing with Kyle about whether or not the shot counted. Craig tried to take the cup out of his hands but Tweek wouldn’t let him.
“I think this time you’ve have enough,” he explained and drank the beer, leaning his head back onto Craig’s shoulder. Craig nuzzled his nose into the suddenly presented neck, somehow subconsciously demonstrating the truth of Tweek’s statement. Realizing what he was doing, he quickly let go of him and moved away to help Butters clean off the table. He heard someone snigger and was fairly certain it was Kenny.
As he sat back down by the bookcases again he completely avoided looking at Tweek. What had just happened was nothing more than a … weird little moment. No problem. It wasn’t the first weird moment they’d had and they could probably ignore this one as easily as they could the previous ones.
“It was unfair teams so it doesn’t mean that you won,” Cartman reasoned, still refusing to admit defeat to Kyle.
“There were three people on each team, Cartman. How was it unfair?” Stan argued and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“I was stuck with the boyfriends,” the fat boy whined. “They weren’t playing properly. They were too busy making out.”
Tweek made an uncomfortable noise and Craig realised that he’d accidentally sat too far away from him to reach. Kenny hadn’t, though, and placed a hand on Tweek’s shoulder. He leaned in to whisper something in his ear but Craig couldn’t hear it over the sound of Kyle protesting Cartman’s statement on his behalf. Tweek blushed.
“They were playing, Cartman. And they didn’t make out during the game!”
“Well, they never really do, do they?” Kenny mused louder than necessary. His hand on Tweek’s shoulder had somehow made its way down the boy’s back. Craig felt his left eye twitch when said boy didn’t protest the way he was supposed to.
“What do you mean?” Butters asked. Kenny looked challengingly into Craig’s eyes.
“You guys never kiss. Think no one’s noticed?”
“That’s none of your business,” Craig said through gritted teeth. He didn’t like where this conversation was going. He also didn’t like that Tweek still hadn’t told Kenny and his downward-moving hand to fuck off.
“Oh, we all know that you two are everyone’s business,” Kenny teased and then added in a loud whisper: ”Isn’t that the whole point?”
“Back off,” Craig said darkly. The mood in the room was terribly tense, both Kyle and Stan looking alarmed and ready to stop an impending fight. Cartman’s face had an expression that was begging for popcorn for this unexpected show while poor Butters just looked confusedly back and forth between Craig and Kenny.
“I’m just saying, if you’re not gonna kiss that, someone’s gotta. It’s a damn waste,” Kenny said in a weird mixture of taunt and sincerity. Craig was about to retort back but was cut off as Kenny pulled the horror-struck Tweek close to plant a kiss on his lips.
Craig had no recollection of moving, but next thing he knew he had punched Kenny in the face and was being forcefully pulled out of the room by Stan. Stan pushed him up against a wall.
“Dude! Calm down!” the black-haired boy yelled into his face.
“Let go,” Craig said dangerously.
“Not until you calm down,” Stan reasoned. “You’ll do it again”.
“As I should,” Craig said in an icy voice. Clyde was right. He should kick McCormick’s ass.
“No, this doesn’t resolve anything. You can’t just-“
“Let him go, Stan.”
Stan looked incredulously to Tweek as the blond approached cautiously. “Dude?!”
“Let him go. I’ll talk to him. Somewhere else,” Tweek pleaded and moved next to them. Stan looked from Tweek to Craig, then back to Tweek again. He shook his head in defeat as the unity effect set in again. This should be resolved between them. He let go of Craig with a final warning glance before going back to his friends in the library.
Craig was aware that Tweek was seeking eye contact but didn’t think he could face it just yet. Instead, he pushed himself off the wall and walked into a downstairs bathroom. The door opened and closed again as Tweek entered the small space. This wasn’t just another weird moment. They were going to address this one.
“Craig-“ Tweek began before he was cut off.
“I’m not sorry,” Craig interrupted and finally turned to look his boyfriend in the eyes. Tweek had grown almost as tall as him at this point, an impressive feat that also made eye contact very accessible. Tweek appeared to be searching Craig’s face thoroughly while carefully planning his next words.
“And why not?” he finally said.
“Why? Because-“ Craig started, having a hard time forming his thoughts into words with alcohol still making his mind fuzzy. Tweek wasn’t helping him either; he just stared at him patiently, like he was waiting for something very specific. Craig finally settled for repeating Clyde’s words.
“It’s a Guy Code violation,” he stated.
“What?” Tweek frowned.
“You don’t come on to your friend’s boyfriend. That’s Guy Code. Kenny violated that code and has to take the consequences,” Craig elaborated and even though he was drunk, he could still hear how stupid that sounded out loud.
“So it’s a generally accepted rule, and you hit Kenny because it happened in front of other people and you thought you had to?” Tweek pushed and moved closer to him. Craig’s eyes involuntarily moved down to Tweek’s lips at the mention of Kenny’s name.
“What? No! I don’t care that the others were watching! It’s not about that, it’s about-“
“About what?” Tweek stressed and took another step closer to Craig who could feel a warm breath on his face now. Then it hit Craig what Tweek was doing. Craig had just said it himself; this had nothing to do with an audience watching. It had upset him that Kenny had touched his boyfriend and that’s why he’d hit him. Tweek was just trying to make him say it out loud.
“You’re a fucking asshole,” Craig finally whispered and captured lips that Kenny McCormick would never get to be near again. He automatically moved his arms around Tweek for the panic that was bound to come when he felt the boy freeze. When he did notice a hitch in the other boy’s breathing, he finally realized what he was doing. Horrified, he pushed himself away from Tweek.
“Oh my God, Tweek, I’m so sor-“
“Don’t you fucking dare,” Tweek interrupted and pulled Craig back flush against him. “I waited five years for that”.
The blond caught his lips in a kiss that was violent enough to remind Craig of their orchestrated fight as children. Craig responded immediately, now that he knew he actually wanted to. He pried Tweek’s lips apart and Tweek allowed his tongue invade his mouth. Even several hours into a party with beer, Tweek tasted heavily like coffee. The coffee-addict sighed contently into his mouth and let his arms snake tightly around Craig's shoulders, pulling him closer than he ever thought he’d been to another person. Craig moved fingers through Tweek’s hair, earning him another small noise.
“Hey!” Someone yelled on the other side of the door. “Other people need to shit, too!”
“Fuck off, Cartman!” Craig shouted and then mumbled an apology to Tweek for destroying his eardrum with the close proximity yelling.
“Dude, if you’re taking up the bathroom just to fuck Tweek-“
“Fuck off, Cartman!” Tweek yelled even more passionately than Craig had. Craig grinned and pushed the blond up against the door to catch his lips again in a deep and needy kiss. He loved it when Tweek cursed. Tweek grinned against his mouth as Cartman punched the door in frustration and left. Mistaking a shiver for shaking, Craig entwined his fingers with Tweek’s and held them above their heads. This was by far the biggest weird moment they’d ever had but Craig wasn’t complaining and Cartman sure as hell wasn’t going to ruin it.
He was, however, conscious of the sudden amount of footsteps on the other side of the door he was pinning his boyfriend against. And he could most definitely hear Wendy’s excited voice over the enticing little sounds Tweek was making.
When they finally left the bathroom, dishevelled and holding hands, a rather large crowd was smiling far too encouragingly at them. Almost six years later, people were still far too interested in their relationship. Above the heads of Wendy and her Japanese friend, Craig caught sight of Kenny’s smug face and thumbs-up. Craig could have swore the poor boy mouthed the word ‘Finally’.
Craig Tucker still likes his routines.
They’re comfortable, they’re stable, and above all they’re his.
As Tweek pulls him into a welcoming kiss before lunch, he can’t help but love the newer routines even better now six years after the yaoi both ruined and improved his life.