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A Little Red (goes a long way)

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“We found you a match,” Hanae Hamato said as she sipped on her cup of tea.

Her son froze, half-way into his chair. Her other two sons blinked, blue eyes flicking towards their brother’s still form.

After a moment, he sat down, heavily enough that the chair scraped against the floor, porcelain cups clackering.

“What?” Raphael asked, finally. His teeth were gritted and his grip on the jar of raspberry jam he pulled close was, perhaps, a bit too hard.

“Yes,” Hanae said. Her voice continued to be pleasant, though her golden eyes were steely as she watched him. “She is a good match for you- from an equally ranked Clan, though the Clan is in Sweden. It would require you to move there, but I’m sure it will be little trouble.”

“She? It’s a fucking-!”

Language, son.”

Raphael snarled and yanked his plate closer to himself. Leonardo cautiously pushed the teapot towards him. Raphael accepted it without thanks.
The steam rose from his cup as he poured it in, snatching the sugar bowl before Michelangelo could get to it.
Mikey held his hands up in surrender before he put some more distance between them by inching away with his chair.

“I told ya,” Raphael said through gritted teeth, struggling to remain calm, “I’m gay. You said you would try an’ find a herm.”

“I did, yes,” Hanae agreed. “Loosen your grip, sweetheart, or you might break the cup. I did tell you I would try. But the only hermaphrodites I have found are of lesser Clans, and I am not about to lessen the worth of our bloodline simply because you cannot accept all genitalia.”

Mikey snorted. Leonardo elbowed his side, hissing at him to be quiet.

“Well, we ain’t going to have a bloodline with her,” Raph argued. “I’m not fucking a chick.”

Language, Raphael. An heir is not necessary, as you do have two brothers, and Leonardo is after all engaged to Donatello Wasem-” they both ignored Leo as the other began to sigh dreamily, which in turn caused Mikey to snicker, “but I am not going to let go of the possibility. And there is always insemination.”

“I ain’t doing it. I’m not-” Raph pushed the chair back abruptly, snatching his plate of toast to take with him, “I’m not marrying some random girl from a Clan I haven’t even met before. I rather marry someone from Ayakaze!”

“Do not speak such foul words,” she warned. “And sit back down now, Raphael, you are not leaving this table before I explained their conditions to you.”

“Conditions?” Leo and Mikey echoed, Leo frowning.

“We are Hamatos,” Leonardo pointed out. “We are one of the most influential, biggest Clans out there. What kind of conditions would they possibly want to set? Why would we accept them?”

“We accept them because they are reasonable ones,” Hanae sniffed. “Raphael, sit down. Honestly, why did you inherit your father’s temper?”

“Because he’s a jerk?” Michelangelo piped up, only to squawk as Raphael smacked him upside the head.

“No fighting by the table. Miss Yumi, please carry that tea back here, I’m in need of a refill.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Raphael reluctantly sat down, glaring daggers at his toast. The silence was stifling as they waited for Yumi to refill their mother’s cup.
A murmured thanks from the elderly turtle. A sip of tea, and then the sound of the cup being put down.

“Their conditions are very reasonable, and I’m quite tempted to put part of them into our traditional contract,” Hanae Hamato said, pretending she didn’t see her sons’ horrified faces. “They want proof of your responsibility, working spirit and the intelligence required to deal with… lesser creatures.”

“You mean humans,” Mikey said, rolling his eyes. “Mom, we gotta work with ‘em if we want to remain on top.”

“That,” Hanae sniffed, “is a matter of opinion, but I am also speaking of Lesser Clans, and even Clanless ones. Sweden have quite a lot of both, and while the Bergamen Clan is a respectable one, they interact daily with not only humans, but Clanless and Lesser ones. Sadly it’s necessary, when living in such a small country.”

“So they want Raph to learn respect before he gets married?” Leo wryly said. “Easier said than done.”

“Oh, fuck y-”



“They want him to work a… common job, with no influence from our Clan,” Hanae said carefully. “If he can hold the job down for six months, a proper contract will be written between our Clans. Miss Mona shall do the same.”

“Oooh, is that the name of Raphie’s new giiiirlfriend?”

“Mikey, I’ll kick your shell off in the dojo,” the furious turtle threatened. Michelangelo, safe in the knowledge that their mother would kick Raph’s shell if he tried anything at the table, simply grinned at his brother.

“Yes,” Hanae cut in before it could escalate. “Mona is the third heir to the Bergamen Clan. They appear to have a good bloodline for females, which we certainly need. Together with Raph’s genes from the Grewal Clan, I certainly do hope some artificial reproduction will help us add at least one little Princess to this family.”

The brothers grimaced at the reminder.

For all that turtles from Hamato looked handsome and intimidating- with their tall stature and reflective shells- the male to female quota was extremely unequal. Out of thirty children hatched in the past five years, only three were females.  And a hermaphrodite hadn’t been hatched within the clan for five hundred years, at the very least.

The Grewals were a more balanced Clan; but apparently the Hamato genes had been stronger when it came to Raph, who was the youngest of his brothers and the only one with a different father.
He was well aware of the disappointment his dick had been.

The golden eyed turtle grumbled and sank down further into his chair.

“Oh, so you really don’t think Raph or this Mona will-?” Leo asked curiously, trailing off without finishing.

“Mona appears to be of the same inclination as your brother,” the matriarch sniffed. “As such, we will put our focus on using artificial help once the marriage is a year old if they have yet to perform intercourse.” She ignored how both Michelangelo and Raphael choked on their toast, “This may change, of course, depending on how well they both do before the contract is written.”

“I bet Raphie will dishonor us,” Mikey wheezed out, still recovering from choking. “Like Mulan, only not as badass.”

“I told you to stop calling me that.

“Boys,” Hanae warned. “I understand that you are all slower to mature than most, but I demand some decency at the table. Finish your breakfast, you all have a busy day ahead. Remember, Michelangelo, you have physical therapy today, and I will make sure Charlie reminds you.”

Said turtle groaned.

Leonardo looked insulted at being compared to his twin and his younger brother.

Raphael snorted and shoved far too much toast into his mouth.

“I pray Miss Bergamen doesn’t meet any of you until the wedding,” their mother sighed.