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Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts

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-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has opened memo on board Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts --

CG: I HAVE A NUMBER OF QUICK ANNOUNCEMENTS TO MAKE BEFORE I GO CRASH IN MY PILE AND SLEEP THE GLORIOUS SLEEP OF THE UNDISTURBED. IF ANY OF YOU ASSHOLES ARE STILL AWAKE, SHUT UP.
CG: ITEM 0.
CG: HUMANS ARE THE BEST.
CG: I AM PROUD I CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR CREATION, HUMANS.
CG: ITEM 1.

-- twinArmageddons [TA] has joined the memo! --
-- gardenGnostic [GG] has joined the memo! --

CG: EMBARRASSING BUT ALSO A HUGE RELIEF! PLUS SOMETHING THE TROLLS AMONGST US NEED TO KNOW.
TA: gz ha2 been experiimentiing wiith reiinventiing 2opor for hiis piie2 and ii2 u2iing your biig flappiing facega2h a2 a hazardou2 wa2te dii2po2al.
CG: WHAT? NO
CG: ALSO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING UP AT THIS HOUR, GO TO SLEEP.
GG: umm karkat were on the next quarter slice of the planet from you, its ten in the morning here :/
CG: I WAS COUNTING ON BEING ABLE TO JUST TYPE IT UP AND LEAVE.
CG: ... OH, RIGHT. UM.
CG: OKAY, WHATEVER. I CAN ROLL WITH IT.
TA: alriight you're not kk, piie or not he never let2 anythiing go.
TA: ii'd 2ay congrat2 on hackiing hiim but hii2 computer 2ecuriity ii2 ju2t about the mo2t 2hameful mora22 of counterproductiive 2criipt kiiddiie mea2ure2, 2o...
CG: I WOULD TELL YOU TO GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH THE WIDE EDGE OF A SILICOMB BUT ACTUALLY I'M JUST LAUGHING MY ASS OFF AT YOUR PITIFUL ATTEMPTS AT PROVOCATION.
CG: IN THE PARLANCE OF THE LOCALS: D'AWW, CAPTOR, D'AWWWW.
TA: the 2opor piie theory 2uddenly look2 plau2iible 2omehow.
GG: umm wow sollux is right you sound really
GG: uh
GG: happy???? :O
GG: i mean its good and all but also REALLY WEIRD???
CG: SHH. YOU GORGEOUS AWESOME HUMAN YOU. SHH. SHUT YOUR ADORABLE HUMAN MOUTH, YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND AND I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THAT.
GG: !! oh oh oh have you figured out a way to get you and gamzee here??? omg i have to get aradia, shes out at the temple with jake so she wont have reception but i can get bec to pop me over and tell her to come out!
CG: HARLEY, HEEL.
CG: THAT'S ITEM TWO. YOU'RE MAKING ME TELL IT OUT OF ORDER!
CG: I HAVEN'T FIGURED IT OUT, NO, BUT DAD IS ON THE PROBLEM AND HE SEEMS TO HAVE ACTUAL IDEAS.
CG: AND AS AN ADULT HE MIGHT QUITE PROBABLY HAVE RESOURCES WE DON'T, SO I AM CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC.
GG: haha its cute how you call johns dad dad, its not his name you know :D
TA: wow, you actually *a2ked* him two help?
GG: why wouldnt he have? i didnt really get why you guys and terezi didnt want to ask johns dad and daves bro and roses mom, theyre pretty resourceful and i dont think they would have minded >:?
CG: WHICH BRINGS US TO ITEM THE FIRST.
CG: (:B
TA: holy nub2lurpiing aeriial fuck. we woke up iin the wrong uniiver2e and no one told me.
CG: APPARENTLY HUMANS SOMETIMES FALL IN LUSUSITY.
CG: KIND OF LIKE SERENDIPITY BETWEEN THWARTED NURTURING INSTINCT-BEASTS AND RANDOM-ASS ORPHANED WIGGLERS. BAM. MINE NOW.
CG: AND I'LL CALL HIM DAD IF I WANT TO AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME. ((:B
TA: ...
TA: ............
TA: you mean he...
GG: omg johns dad is adopting you??? like seriously for real?????
CG: ME AND GAMZEE, YEAH. WELL, HE SAID HE HAD TO ASK JOHN FIRST. I GUESS THAT'S FAIR, HE *WAS* HERE FIRST.
TA: john'2 lu2u2 want2 two be your lu2u2 two?? how the heck doe2 that even work?
GG: thats awesome!!!!! well be cousins!!!!!
CG: NOT A CLUE, BUT I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY IT IS A THING HUMANS DO.
CG: I HOPE JOHN WON'T SAY NO, I
CG: I REALLY WANT THIS TO WORK.
CG: MOSTLY FOR GAMZEE, I MEAN MY DAD WAS KIND OF A FAILURE AT THINGS THAT REQUIRED A FUNCTIONING THINKSPONGE BUT AT LEAST HE WAS *THERE*, YOU KNOW? JOHN'S DAD ACTUALLY OFFERED TO SPEND AN AFTERNOON TEACHING HIM COOKING AND I THINK THAT'LL BE LONGER THAN HIS LUSUS EVER SPENT WITH HIM IN ONE GO EVER SINCE HE TURNED THREE.
GG: aw dont worry I mean john can be a bit insensitive and silly sometimes and maybe hell be a little jealous and need us all to thwap him but i think hell be super happy that you guys are brothers now
CG: BY THE WAY, BROTHERS IS THE ONE WHERE WE SHARE THE SAME LUSUS, I REMEMBER THAT, BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS COUSIN?
GG: its the one where brothers and sisters have children, their children are cousins, like if rose and roxy had kids their kids would be cousins.
GG: bluhbluh ectobiology making things needlessly complicated but in this universe john and jane and jake and i are officially cousins. kinda like siblings one step removed? but still family. i guess you could see it like, uh, your matesprits moirail and ash buddies?
CG: PLATONIC QUADRANT CORNERS? OH. HEH. (:B
CG: INSTANT COHORT, JUST ADD WIGGLER. THIS IS THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING.
CG: HUMANS ARE AWESOME. I LIKE THEM.
TA: ii am priintiing thii2 memo and 2aviing iit two a2 many 2erver2 a2 ii can hack through. ju2t 2ayiing.
TA: but doe2 that mean he diidnt
TA: uh
CG: MY ASS REMAINS UNTAPPED. ((((((((((((((((((:B
CG: HOLY FUCK AM I GOING TO REGRET THIS MEMO TOMORROW.
TA: ... not that ii wa2 worriied or anythiing but that'2
TA: niice two hear iif al2o way tmii?
CG: WHAT'S THE MATTER, CAPTOR, ARE YOU CONTEMPLATING MY DERRIERE NOW? (;B
TA: oh dear horrorterror2 harley giive me your gun, ii need two blow up my own thiink2ponge out riight the fuck now.
GG: uhhhhhhh wait what are you guys talking about D:
GG: why would johns dad tap karkats ass, thats just
GG: i mean youre a minor???
TA: what the fuck iis a miinor. are you typoiing tunnel-diigger, why the fuck would kk diig anythiing?? ok maybe an e2cape tunnel ii gue22??
GG: too young! i mean theres a legal age for some things and
GG: well i guess you can do it before if you really want to but if you do it with an adult theyd get in serious trouble
GG: i really dont think johns dad is the type to commit statutory rape!!!! why the heck would you ever think that guys D: D: D: D: D:
CG: WOW. RAPE?
GG: legally yes!!! i mean not hold you down and force you rape but its still TONS of illegal
GG: youre like what, fifteen? sixteen? in human years i mean. that wouldnt be so bad if johns dad was twentysomething but hes like at least two times your age and maybe closer to three times? yuuuck D:
TA: why ii2 that even a problem?
GG: :X
GG: well i guess once youre an adult age differences get less weird..... :/ like thirty year old with forty year old?
TA: ... ii liike human2s.
CG: YUP.
GG: guyyys? D:
GG: suddenly the fact that you guys all want to hang out with me and jake so much makes a ton of really not pleasant sense
GG: just saying D:
GG: omg we need to call kanaya and terezi!!!! they must have been nervous wrecks!!!
CG: WELL.
CG: THEY WEREN'T INVITED BY THE ADULTS, THEY WERE INVITED BY THEIR MATESPRITS. WE KIND OF ASSUMED THAT'D MAKE THEM OUT OF BOUNDS? I MEAN DAVE AND ROSE WOULD HAVE PROTECTED THEM, RIGHT?
TA: ehh, cooldouche ii2 a wiimp about hii2 lu2u2. but the guy ha2 thii2 homo2exual thiing 2o tz 2ounded pretty 2afe, and rx tell2 me r2 kiind of look2 for occa2iion2 two 2triife wiith theiir lu2u2 and protectiing kn would have giiven her plenty.
GG: oh so they were only fretting themselves bald over GAMZEE AND YOU thats nothing!!! why would you even mention it right??!!! >:///////
TA: mostly kk two be honest
TA: ii mean them fliightly broad2, worryiing about kk, not me.
CG: IF WE IGNORE HOW TEREZI HAS DEVELOPED A STRANGE HABIT OF ALWAYS STANDING RIGHT ON THE STRAIGHTEST PATH BETWEEN KANAYA AND GAMZEE RECENTLY.
CG: I SMELL ASHES IN THE AIIIIR~
GG: :X
TA: ...
TA: kk? how far ii2 your piile?
CG: I'M SITTING ON IT. WAS KIND OF PLANNING TO RETREAT TO A CORNER BUT GAMZEE DECIDED MY KNEE WAS POINTY ENOUGH TO COUNTERACT THE SHITTON OF SMOTHERTRAP PILLOWS THE EGBERTS HAVE FORCED ON US. <>
TA: good. (except for how ii'm hardcore gaggiing iirl which make2 thii2 the lea2t good thiing ever, but.)
TA: do 2omethiing for me?
CG: OHO. ASKING ME FOR A FAVOR, CAPTOR?
TA: yup. huge one. don't want two devaloriize all tho2e awe2ome quote2 up there.
TA: clo2e your hu2ktop and lean back down and *clo2e your ogle2hiield2* and ***get 2ome glubbiing 2leep.***
GG: well tell everyone else the good news! you dont need to stay up :)
GG: heck they can just read the memo
CG: NOPE, I JUST HAD THIS IDEA THAT MAYBE I OUGHT TO DELETE IT ON MY WAY OUT. COVERING MY TRACKS LIKE, AS THEY SAY, NINJA.
TA: iif you want two avoiid blackmail materiial iit's two late. iit was two late the 2econd you 2et your frond2 two keyboard even. al2o ii can retriieve the memo anyway, iit would ju2t be a paiin.
CG: ):<B
GG: pffffff XDDD
GG: GO TO BED KARKAT GO GO GO
CG: I DON'T WANT TO. X:<B
GG: okay then you leave me with no choice! i am going to do something extremely underhanded now.
GG: (psst sollux can you make it so someone new cant scroll up in a memo?)
TA: 2ure, why?
GG: just do it and youll see! :D
CG: I REALLY DON'T SEE HOW YOU CAN FORCE ME TO GO TO "BED" A FOURTH OF THE WAY AROUND THE WORLD, HARLEY. I WOULD BE INTERESTED TO FIND OUT, EXCEPT I NEVER WILL.
CG: GAMZEE IS CONKED OUT SO YOU ARE NOT ENLISTING HIM. THE SMALLER EGBERT NEVER GETS UP BEFORE THE SUN IS ABOUT HALFWAY UP IN THE SKY. AND SOLLUX'S TELEKINESIS DOESN'T GET THAT FAR. WHAT NOW, HUH?

-- bakingExpert [BE] has joined the memo! --

BE: Goodness gracious. Now what on Earth just happened.
GG: hi mr egbert!! :DDD its jade, i sent you an invite for a group chat :)
BE: I see, I see!
CG: ...HARLEY, YOU HELL-TAINTED SOULLESS BITCH
BE: Karkat, my boy, is that you?
TA: oh gog, that'2 cla22iic.
CG: WITCH. I MEANT WITCH. WHICH SHE IS, SO CALLING HER THAT IS TOTALLY OKAY AND FACTUALLY ACCURATE.
CG: HI MR EGBERT. UH. YES.
CG: HI.
TA: thii2 ii2 deeply hiilariiou2 2omehow.
TA: hii mr eb, iit'2 2ollux captor
BE: Good morning, Mr. Captor. Good to hear from you.
BE: Well, you children seems to be having fun here!
TA: 2ure are. 8)
BE: But while I understand wanting to keep in touch with your faraway friends, it is six in the morning here. I was under the impression that you were getting some sleep, Karkat?
CG: UH.
CG: COULDN'T SLEEP. SORRY.
BE: Do you think some more chocolate might help?
CG: URGH NO
CG: I MEAN THANKS BUT NO, I'LL HAVE TO GET UP AND PISS EVERY HOUR IF I DRINK ANY MORE.
BE: I see.
BE: Insomnia is certainly no laughing matter.
GG: yeah but at this point someone should probably sit on him until he passes out :///
TA: yeah good plan at 2ome poiint the contiinual ragega2m2 two be let up would hopefully wiipe hiim out.
CG: YOU ARE TRAITOROUS TRAITORS AND I AM NEVER TRUSTING EITHER OF YOU WITH ANYTHING EVER AGAIN.
GG: were holding an intervention! its for your own good, silly!

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned twinArmageddons [TA] from memo! --
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned gardenGnostic [GG] from memo! --

BE: You are a lucky young man to have such caring friends.
CG: CARING. HAH. SURE. THOSE BACKSTABBING SNITCHES.
BE: Karkat.
CG: ... YEAH OKAY. YEAH.
CG: UM.
BE: I am currently going over some maps. Perhaps you could join me for a half-hour before trying to sleep again.
CG: MAPS? ARE THOSE FOR YOUR PLAN?
BE: Why now, a man doesn't reveal his secrets so easily!
BE: It is, I will admit, somewhat tedious at the moment. Having someone around might make it go faster. If you're finally falling asleep, though, don't feel you have to entertain me.
CG: I'M COMING! I'M AWAKE, DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE ON ABOUT.
BE: Thank you.
BE: Living room, couch. It's a little cold out here, bring an afghan.
CG: YEAH OKAY.
CG: MR. EGBERT?
BE: Yes, son?
CG: NAH, NOTHING. (:B

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has left the memo! --

-- gardenGnostic [GG] has joined the memo! --
-- twinArmageddons [TA] has joined the memo! --

TA: thank2 for the iinviite mr eb
BE: It was my pleasure.
TA: coulda hacked back iin but ehh.
BE: Heh.
BE: Jade, dear?
GG: is karkat asleep yet?
BE: Sure is! A nice soft afghan, comfortable pillows, a gently roaring fire, the most tedious task imaginable. It never fails.
GG: awwww. :3
BE: Now I need to ask you if you have ever measured Bec's current teleporting range, and whether and how fast the distance drops with repeated jumps.
BE: It will understandably affect the number of floating platforms needed to cross into international water.
BE: I hear you lot are still hanging on to that nice little aircraft carrier, but we might need a less conspicuous ship.
GG: !!!!!
GG: i havent really measured it, no, but we can get jake to help make a platform now and aradia to move it around and test becs maximum range today!
TA: huh. that'll demand really tiight logii2tiic2.
TA: ii'll graph the tiime/dii2tance/recovery curve2.
BE: And I'm sure we can enlist Mr. Strider for a list of convenient hiding places to teleport to and from on our long way to the coast.
GG: omg. :D
GG: were doing this
GG: were making this happen.
GG: SO EXCITE!!!!!
TA: -----EXCIIT-----E even. 8)
GG: at least that much!!!
GG: okay go go go we need jake and aradia on the case
GG: well have your data as soon as possible mr egbert!!! :D
BE: I would be much obliged.
BE: And Jade?
GG: yes? :D
BE: You can call your old uncle Paul, you know.
GG: :DDDDD okay uncle paul! <3<3<3
TA: ... harley, *gro22*.
TA: al2o iillegal. you dariing lawbreaker you.
GG: D:

-- gardenGnostic [GG] banned twinArmageddons [TA] from memo with the message NOT LIKE THAT YOU STUPID DUMB PERV.! --

GG: okay calling bec and going
GG: have a good day uncle paul :)
GG: and im super happy youre karkat and gamzees dad now
BE: That might be premature, as John has not yet been consulted on the matter, but thank you.
BE: I admit I am quite content with the situation myself.
GG: pff. if he doesnt say yes im cutting him off his christmas presents. *forever.*
GG: OKAY GOING NOW BYE! :DDDD

-- gardenGnostic [GG] has left the memo! --

-- bakingExpert [BE] has changed the memo's name to Drawing board! --

-- gailyTerminating [GT] has joined the memo! --
-- gunningGorgon [GG] has joined the memo! --

BE: Ah, it worked. My apologies for contacting you so early, I wanted to make sure I would catch you before work.
GT: dude, berty, i ain't even gone to bed yet.
GG: whassup, darlin? <3
BE: It concerns our respective charges.
BE: I have a proposition.
GG: that sounds so nicely ominous. >:333333333333