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i don't need to be saved

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Kurt barely makes it home on the subway without falling asleep, and when he finally walks through the front door, he’s so tired he’s on the verge of crying.

“Hi,” he says weakly, not even trying to raise his voice.

“Kurt?” Sebastian calls from the kitchen.

“Mhm,” Kurt replies, staring down at his shoes, trying to magically will them off his feet because he doesn’t have the energy to bend down. Sebastian comes out in the hall.

“You’re late,” he says.

“Yeah, I...” Kurt trails off, unable to find the words. “Double-issue,” he settles with. “Deadline.”

It’s not that Sebastian doesn’t know. They’ve barely seen each other for two weeks, Sebastian wrapping up a big campaign at his office and Kurt dealing with the double-issue for the magazine. There’s something in his tone though that makes Kurt feel the need to defend himself.

“Andy and Jocelyn are coming in half an hour,” Sebastian says, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against the doorway.

Kurt closes his eyes and slumps against the door behind him. Now he really wants to cry. He wants a hug, he wants Sebastian to embrace him and kiss his hair and grope his ass and then join him in the shower. He wants to order in because he’s too tired to eat, let alone cook, he wants to curl up on the couch and fall asleep against his boyfriend within the first ten minutes of whatever’s new on Netflix this week. He wants, needs, to fall back into place with Sebastian.

None of that is going to happen tonight. Fuck. It’s not that he doesn’t want to see Andy and Jocelyn; he loves them and he is excited that they’re coming to visit, but just... not tonight.

Not tonight. Not when he needs to have Sebastian close, needs to remind himself that he’s loved and wanted and everything he hasn’t felt at all at work these weeks. He loves his job, but being the editor-in-chief means he’s the most hated person at the office when deadline rolls around, and he just can’t deal right now.

He opens his eyes and looks straight at Sebastian, trying to convey his feelings in one look. Please, please, see me. I can’t do this tonight, please. I need you. I need you. Please.

But Sebastian ignores him, or he just doesn’t see it (please, please don’t let it be the first one, Kurt won’t be able to handle it otherwise, won’t be able to handle being so blatantly ignored), because he breaks his gaze from Kurt’s and turns around.

“I thought we’d order Thai and then head down to Burn,” he says over his shoulder. “Dress accordingly.”

Kurt sinks down on the doormat and starts to unlace his shoes with a sigh. It’s one night. He can do this. It’s just dinner with friends, who’s flown in from L.A., and then a couple of hours at a club. It’s fine. It’s-- completely fine. He takes his shoes off and stands up again. He can do this.

He showers and dresses uncharacteristically fast, even though his limbs feel like they’re filled with led. He’s just buttoned his pants when the buzzer goes off and he pastes a smile on his face before he walks out of the bedroom to join Sebastian by the door. He can do this.

He can’t do this.

Kurt is sitting by the bar, cradling a bottle of beer, watching his boyfriend intently. His boyfriend, who’s barely said a word to him the whole night, who hasn’t touched him more than the casual hand on his lower back when they walked through the door. His boyfriend, who’s currently dancing with the third really good-looking, unknown man for the night.

It’s not that this is unusual behavior. On the contrary, this is perfectly normal. Their friends are here, and Kurt and Sebastian rarely speak to each other when they have company. They’ve never been big on PDA. And usually, Kurt would be right out there on the dance floor, making his own way through hot, sweaty men.

Not tonight, though. Tonight, Kurt is off, and he has used up almost all of his energy on trying not to cry. He’s so tired. He wants to go home. He wants Sebastian to take him home, to wrap his arm around Kurt’s waist and hold him close when they walk the three blocks to their apartment. He needs to feel another person up close, he needs to feel his boyfriend up close; he needs to be safe and held and loved.

But he doesn’t know how to tell Sebastian. He doesn’t know, because he’s never had to. Sebastian usually knows just by looking at him, Kurt never has to explain. It’s been a while since they’ve done this, though. Since any of them needed it. They’ve barely seen each other for two weeks, of course it’s not weird that Sebastian can’t read all of Kurt’s signs in less than a second. Of course not.

You’re the worst boss ever echoes through his head, and suddenly he just can’t take it anymore. He needs to get out of here, now. The realization crashes on him so hard he almost gasps, and he sets his beer bottle down with a little too much force. He slides down from the stool and grabs it to keep himself upright when he wobbles, due to exhaustion combined with alcohol, then sets his eyes on Sebastian and starts to make his way towards him.

He’s greeted with a smile when he finally reaches him and he replies with a weak one of his own. He grabs Sebastian’s arm and stands on his toes to reach his ear.

“I’m heading home,” he says, loud enough for Sebastian to hear him, louder than anything he’s said since he yelled the last order around five. Sebastian nods, barely looking at him, and Kurt is suddenly dumbstruck with the realization that maybe Sebastian doesn’t want this anymore. His knees buckle and he almost falls over, and for the first time tonight he’s glad for the press of bodies against him, keeping him upright.

Maybe Sebastian doesn’t want this, them, Kurt anymore. They’ve been busy for two weeks but they weren’t great before that and neither of them has ever been good with talking about their feelings and what if this is Sebastian’s way to ease out of the relationship. There’s been a lot of hot guys here tonight and Kurt and Sebastian haven’t had sex for weeks and now Sebastian is touching them and not Kurt and everything is starting to blur.

Kurt blinks and his eyes are wet and he realizes that he’s crying. He doesn’t even feel it, and he certainly can’t control it; everything that’s been building up for the last few days and threatening to come out the last couple of hours finally does, and there is nothing Kurt can do to stop it. He stumbles backwards for a few steps before turning around and making his way out of the club, out on the street where the cool night air hits his warm, damp cheeks and sobers him up a fraction. He wipes the tears off with his shirtsleeve, completely in vain since they keep falling, and starts to walk home quickly.

He’s overreacting. He just needs to sleep and then this will all be fine. He doesn’t need Sebastian. If Kurt sucks at being a boss, a friend, a boyfriend, at life, at everything, that’s not Sebastian’s fault. He shouldn’t have to deal with it.

Except that he does. Kurt does need him and he needs him so so bad and Sebastian refuses to acknowledge that and there’s a gaping hole inside of Kurt and he can’t breathe. He has to stop and lean against the wall and force himself to take deep breaths and he’s really glad that crying in public on a Friday night is common enough that no one looks at him twice.

Kurt wipes his face again and straightens his back, determined to make it at least inside of the apartment before he breaks down completely, and hurries up in his steps.

He manages to get all the way to the bedroom before he collapses on the bed, curling up into a ball and sobbing. It’s like his skin has been turned inside out, he can’t stop feeling and everything hurts and he just wants Sebastian to be here but Sebastian isn’t and Kurt has no idea what to do with himself.

He doesn’t hear the front door opening, doesn’t hear the footsteps down the hall, so when Sebastian says Kurt in that tone that means he’s said it three times before, Kurt starts. He sits up and opens his eyes, but he doesn’t look at Sebastian, can’t look at Sebastian.

“Kurt,” Sebastian says again, and his voice is laced with worry now. Oh, right. Kurt’s face must be a mess. Sebastian comes to sit down on the bed and reaches for Kurt’s leg, but Kurt flinches at the touch.

“Kurt, look at me,” Sebastian says, orders, and Kurt finds himself relaxing immediately and obeying without even thinking about it, focusing his gaze on Sebastian. When he sees him relaxing, Sebastian’s expression changes from worried to guilty and he has Kurt wrapped up in a tight embrace before Kurt can barely blink.

“I’m sorry,” he says and kisses Kurt’s hair. “I’m so, so sorry.”

It’s what Kurt has wanted, needed, for hours (days) and he starts to cry again, sobbing hard and choking on his own breath and soaking Sebastian’s shirt with his tears in no time at all. Sebastian makes shushing noises and rubs his back, rocking him gently and trying to calm him down.

“Shh, come on, Kurt. Tell me what you need,” Sebastian asks gently and Kurt doesn’t even think, can’t think, before choking out the single word that best explains everything he needs right now.


Sebastian inhales sharply and tightens his grip around Kurt, mumbles another I’m sorry and then backs away. Kurt sobs again at the loss of contact but Sebastian reaches forward and takes his face between his hands and gives him a chaste kiss.

“I’m here,” he says, his voice a little rough. “I’ve got you. I’m just gonna take off my clothes, okay? Stay still.” Kurt’s crying slows down at the command and he sits back, wipes his face and watches Sebastian undress. He’s quick, just throws his clothes in a pile, and when he’s down to his briefs he kneels on the bed again.

“Take off your shirt,” he says, and Kurt starts unbuttoning it with trembling fingers. He’s still sniffling, but he can feel the tension leaving his body in waves with Sebastian’s demands. His boyfriend helps him ease off the shirt off his shoulders and Kurt doesn’t even arch an eyebrow when Sebastian throws it on the floor along with his own clothes.

“Lie down,” Sebastian says. “Relax. I’ve got you.” Kurt lies back on the bed, shivers from the air on his bare skin and looks up at Sebastian. Somewhere in his mind he knows that they have to talk about this, but they can’t do that now, Kurt can’t do that now. He needs Sebastian in the most primitive way; he needs to touch and feel and be touched and felt and needed. When Sebastian finally straddles him and starts stroking his chest with warm hands, Kurt doesn’t bother to hold his moan. Sebastian leans down to kiss him, deeper this time, licking into Kurt’s mouth and moaning when Kurt responds in kind.

“I love you,” he says when they break away. He fixes his gaze at Kurt, forces him to meet his eyes. “I love you,” he repeats, and Kurt believes him. He lets himself relax fully, content with the knowledge that he’s taken care of. Sebastian kisses him again, before sliding down and settling himself between Kurt’s legs and starts to work on his pants. Kurt lies still, doesn’t move except for when Sebastian tells him to raise his hips. Shivers of pleasure run down his spine when Sebastian kisses his knees and works his mouth up along Kurt’s thigh, until his nose is bumping against Kurt’s barely half-hard cock.

“Just relax,” Sebastian says again, softly, and almost unnecessary at this point. He gives Kurt’s cock a stroke through the cotton, before sitting up and then draping himself over Kurt. The full body pressure feels amazing and calming and Kurt is so relaxed now that he almost feels like liquid. Sebastian is breathing calm, steady breath right next to his ear and he wants to touch.

“Can I?” Kurt asks, clearing his throat when he hears himself. He ghosts his fingertips over Sebastian’s hips, and Sebastian nods.

“Of course,” he whispers. Kurt slides his arms around his waist, not grabbing or clutching, just holding him.

They stay like that for minutes, Kurt has no idea how much time has passed when he finally feels like he’s coming back to himself. Sebastian is on top of him, grounding him, keeping him safe, and Kurt never wants to be anywhere else.

“I love you,” he says, voice heavy with emotion, and Sebastian must hear it, because he lifts his head enough to watch Kurt’s face carefully.

“I love you, too,” he replies, his tone firm and reassuring. He kisses Kurt’s cheek. “I’m sorry,” he says again, and Kurt has lost count on how many times Sebastian has said it tonight. “I should’ve--” he begins, but Kurt can’t talk about this, not now, so he kisses Sebastian to shut him up. It works. Sebastian kisses back, reaches up to tangle his fingers in Kurt’s hair, press him closer and kiss him deeper. His hardening cock is digging into Kurt’s hip, and Kurt can feel himself growing hard and when Sebastian shifts on top of him, Kurt know that he can feel it too.

“You want me to take care of you?” Sebastian asks when he breaks away to place soft kisses on Kurt’s jaw and over his cheek. Kurt nods.


Sebastian claims his mouth again and Kurt can feel him smile. His hands are stroking Kurt’s sides and chest, fingertips grazing nipples and thumbs digging into spaces between ribs; Sebastian is all over Kurt and Kurt loves it. He doesn’t fully realize how much he’s missed it until now, and he tightens his grip around Sebastian’s waist almost unconsciously. Sebastian notices, though, his senses overly attentive to everything Kurt does or says or doesn’t do or say.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he says against Kurt’s mouth. “I promise.” He presses one final kiss on Kurt’s lips before he starts to ease down his body, taking care to press gentle kisses on Kurt’s skin. When he reaches Kurt’s crotch, he shoots Kurt a smile and winks, and that’s all the warning Kurt gets before Sebastian takes him into his mouth, soaking him through the cotton. Kurt bites his lip, trying to contain his moan, and Sebastian looks up immediately.

“Come on, baby, let go. Let me hear you.” He pulls Kurt’s underwear off and takes him into his mouth again in a flash, causing Kurt to gasp and moan out loud at the surprise. “Mm, that’s it,” Sebastian encourages, his hand coming up to grab where his mouth doesn’t reach. He hovers over Kurt’s cock, darting his tongue out to lap up the precome, and then licking his way down to his balls. “Turn around, baby,” he says and sets a hand on Kurt’s hip to guide him. “Hands and knees.”

Kurt obeys, burrowing his head in the pillow when he’s in position.

“No, come on, I want to hear you,” Sebastian says when he sees that, and Kurt dutifully lifts his head again. Sebastian makes a pleased noise and Kurt can feel him shifting around on the bed, and then, oh, there’s a hot, wet tongue on his ass, licking over his cheek and biting gently.

Sebastian!” Kurt gasps, pressing back, but Sebastian’s grip on his hips hardens at that.

“No, stay still,” he says sternly. Kurt freezes. Sebastian’s tongue comes back, and Kurt has to strain himself to keep still when it’s warm and slick and probing him open. Kurt’s cock is hanging heavily between his legs, completely ignored at the moment, and he wants to reach down and grab himself but he doesn’t dare.

“Sebastian, please,” Kurt whines, desperately trying to keep himself from pushing back. Sebastian takes some pity on him and slides a finger in along with his tongue, and Kurt almost sobs in relief.

“So good for me, baby,” Sebastian murmurs and leans over Kurt to grab the lube. He strokes Kurt’s back with his free hand and kisses his neck. “So good.” He uncaps the lube and pours it onto his hand, quickly coating his fingers before letting another one join the first one inside of Kurt. “That’s it, just stay still.”

Kurt’s arms and legs are trembling with the effort to keep himself upright and he wants to bury his head in the pillow again and just fuck back, but he can’t.

“Please,” he moans. Sebastian bends down to kiss right above where he’s thrusting his fingers in and out of Kurt.

“You want another?” he asks casually.

Yes, please,” Kurt groans, drawing out the last syllable when Sebastian does; the pressure of three fingers pulling at his insides after way too long without it.

“Just a little bit more, then I’m going to fuck you, I promise,” Sebastian says, his voice much gentler than his words. He drags his fingers out, traces around the rim, pushes them back in, revels in the way Kurt moans and strains to keep himself still. “You’re doing so good, baby,” he murmurs. “So, so good.” He lowers the pace of his fingers when he reaches for the lube to slick himself up and makes soothing noises when Kurt whines. “Just a couple of seconds.”

He pulls his fingers out, grasps his cock and aligns himself with Kurt’s asshole, pushing in slowly.

“Sebastian,” Kurt moans, brokenly. “Please let me--”

“Not yet, baby. Come on, you can keep still a little more, you’re doing so good,” Sebastian soothes, forcing himself to go slow and steady. His grip on Kurt’s hips is going to leave marks and he can’t keep himself from moaning low in his throat at the thought of being able to see and touch them for days.

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmurs, dragging out slowly and pushing back in again. “So, so beautiful.” He glances down at the bed where Kurt is gripping the sheets in a death grip, straining himself to keep still for Sebastian. He decides to take pity on him and moves one of his hands from Kurt’s hip to his aching cock. His hand is still a little slick from spit and lube, making the friction just right, and Kurt nearly chokes on his own breath from the pleasure, finally.

“I’m gonna--” It’s been way too long, and way too intense for him to be able to hold out much longer, he’s going to come any second now. Sebastian senses it and starts to fuck into him harder, making him scoot forward on the sheets every other thrust. He tightens his grip around Kurt’s cock, twists his hand just like Kurt likes, rubs his thumb over the slit.

“Come on, Kurt,” he urges. “Come,” he says, orders, and Kurt obeys, his come dripping down on the sheets and coating Sebastian’s hand. Sebastian is close, too, he just needs a little bit more, something. He releases Kurt’s cock and thrusts in hard, purposefully making Kurt lose his balance and fall onto his stomach. Sebastian almost slides out of him but he quickly thrusts in again, draping himself over Kurt and reaching up with his sticky hand to trace Kurt’s lips with his fingertips.

“Come on, baby open up,” he coaxes, and Kurt opens his mouth dutifully, letting Sebastian press his come-covered fingers inside for him to suck. Kurt moans, darting his tongue out to lick up more, trying to get it all, and Sebastian moans, too, both at the sensation and the fucking sight. He thrust in a couple of more times before he comes, shooting inside of Kurt and then slumping down, resting heavily on top of his boyfriend. He pulls his fingers from Kurt’s mouth and wipes the rest of the come off on the sheets, then he strokes the hair from Kurt’s sweaty forehead and kisses his cheek.

“You were so good, baby,” he says, nuzzling behind Kurt’s ear and kissing his neck. “So good for me.”

They stay like that for a while, Sebastian’s weight heavy on Kurt but not uncomfortable, until Sebastian shifts and feels the dried come between them and rolls off. He reaches for the baby wipes on Kurt’s side of the bed and cleans them both off, making sure to wipe away the tear tracks on Kurt’s cheeks too, before cradling Kurt in his arms and pulling him close.

The last two weeks and the rest of the evening suddenly feels miles away. Kurt is content, relaxed and exactly where he wants to be; one of Sebastian’s hands on his hip and the other one tangled in his hair, tracing random patterns on his scalp.

“What did you say to Andy and Jocelyn?” Kurt asks after a while when he finally feels like he can talk.

“I just told them you were tired and that we’ll meet them for brunch tomorrow. They didn’t question it, they know you.”

So do you, Kurt thinks, but doesn’t say.

“I should’ve seen it, Kurt,” Sebastian says, as if he’s read Kurt’s mind. “I’m sorry. And yeah, you could’ve told me, but I should have seen it.”

“It’s okay,” Kurt mumbles, because yeah, it sucked, but it’s not like anyone got hurt, and he could have told Sebastian. Sebastian yanks his hair lightly to get him to look up and meet his eyes.

“No, it’s not,” he says, his tone forbidding Kurt to argue. “I love you. I hate seeing you like that. It’s never okay.”

Kurt doesn’t reply, because he agrees, but he doesn’t want to say it out loud.

“I love you, too,” he says instead.

“I know.”