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Mad House

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“Hey, pretty boy,” a husky voice began, “can you tell me where your boss is?”

Tony jerked his head up from his work to see one of the most smoking hot women he’d ever had the privilege to view. He put on his very best grin, stood and buttoned his jacket. With one hand smoothing his hair, he held the other out for a handshake. “Very Special Agent Tony DiNozzo, at your service. How may I help you?”

The woman smirked as she looked him up and down. “Very special, huh? So how about you answer my question: your boss is where, exactly?”

Tony glanced at Gibbs’ desk, and flashed his guilty-but-cute grin. “I’m sorry, it’s just that I don’t often meet a woman so spectacularly beautiful every day.” He valiantly ignored the snorts from his co-workers’ desks and continued. “Special Agent Gibbs is in a meeting at the moment. Can I help you with anything?”

“Nah,” the woman dismissed, sauntering over to Gibbs’ desk. “I’ll just entertain myself while I’m waiting.” With that, she plopped herself down on Gibbs’ seat, and began poking around at his things.

Ziva immediately came around to the front of Gibbs’ desk, scowling. “I would not do that if I were you,” she warned tightly.

The woman looked up at the liaison officer through her eyelashes. “Uh huh. And you’re going to stop me … how?”

Ziva smirked, and dropped her hand to her weapon. “I could shoot you.”

The woman snorted. “Like I said: you’re going to stop me … how?”

Even as Ziva tightened her grip on her pistol, Gibbs rounded the corner of the bullpen. “Lehane,” he growled, “get the hell away from my stuff.”

The woman eased up out of the chair and wandered away from the desk. “Ah, you’re no fun, Gibbs,” she pouted.

“I’m not meant to be,” Gibbs frowned.

“Yeah, yeah, the second ‘b’ is for ‘bastard’. God, you’re such a tight ass!”

Tony blinked, Ziva eased her grip on her pistol, and Tim wondered if there was anything on his desk that could be construed as cover.

“I hate your people,” Gibbs offered, maybe a little petulantly. “Of all the agencies that I know and despise, yours is by far the top of the list.”

The woman, Lehane, patted Gibbs cheek. “Yeah, you’re the top of our list, too.”

Gibbs fished out his sidearm and fixed it to his belt before grabbing his bag. “All right, people, get your gear. We got a dead Marine in a field, and Agent Lehane is going to tell us how to do our job.”

Tony tried to think of a quote, but things had gone too bizarre for his brain to work. Maybe ‘Planet of the Apes’: “It’s a mad house! A mad house!”


The drive out to the field had been too extreme for even Ziva to do anything more than hold on to the grip-bar. Tony, of course, had an excellent view of the road, having snagged the front seat. Although, come to think of it, Ziva and McGee hadn’t been too eager to challenge him for it. Maybe they’d already figured out just how bad the ride was going to be, and preferred to not see it up close and personal. Cowards. Very smart ones, but cowards none-the-less.

When they arrived at the scene, they found that Agent Lehane had a whole team of her own, and they had already set up on site. She was joined by another woman and two men. Perhaps the most striking thing about the team was their youth. Or maybe their casual attire. The utter hotness of the women in the team? It was a toss-up, really. It wasn’t often that you came across a team of LEOs (or whatever they were; no one had gathered the courage to ask Gibbs anything about them) who wore pants as tight as both women wore theirs. Or guys with hair as long and shaggy as the men. Or that particular colour green. Why a guy would colour his hair green, Tony had honestly no idea.

“Don’t worry, Gibbs,” the dark-haired man began. “As soon as we saw the ‘tags, we stopped and secured the scene.”

“How the hell did you guys get the call before I did?” Gibbs demanded.

“Yeah, you don’t want to know that,” the other woman dismissed.

Gibbs grimaced, and grunted acknowledgement. “Right. You guys know my team?” he asked.

“Only you, sugar,” Agent Lehane smirked, “only you.”

Tony worried briefly that Gibbs would grind his teeth to nubs the rate this team were pushing him, but then Gibbs turned to his team and began talking.

“Okay, you’ve met Agent Faith Lehane,” Gibbs waved at the shorter of the two brunettes. “Also on her team are Daniel Osbourne -”

The green-haired man waved, and said, “Oz.”

“- Dawn Summers -”

The taller brunette waved.

“- and Xander Harris.”

The other man, taller, with dark, shaggy hair, waved acknowledgement.

“They’re from IGC, which is somehow connected to Homeland Security, but the hows and whys are beyond my pay-grade, so don’t even bother asking.” He turned back to the other team and quickly introduced his own people before walking into the scene to view the body.

“Yo, pretty boy,” Faith called, “grab your camera.”

“You know, that could get really old, really quickly,” Tony complained.

“Live with it,” Harris grinned. “She’s been calling me boy toy since high school.”

“Only ‘cause you’re so much fun,” Faith smirked.

Tony went to fish out his gear, and flashed a disbelieving look at Ziva. Ziva simply shrugged in return, sorting out her own gear for evidence retrieval. Over the next few hours, the team did all the things they would normally do on a crime scene, while the IGC team simply lounged around. Ducky arrived in the van, and checked the body out. He nattered on, as was his wont, and eventually he and Mr Palmer placed the body in the van, and returned to the Morgue, oddly accompanied by Faith and the green-haired guy, Oz. Every so often, Tony would glance over to see Gibbs in conference with the other two IGC agents. The woman was working on a laptop while Gibbs and the guy leaned over her. They would talk, Gibbs would shake his head, and they’d talk some more. It was apparent that Gibbs didn’t like the discussion, but it seemed like he was putting up with it for some reason. Tony couldn’t wait to discuss this with Abby.


The trip home was calmer than the trip to the scene, but since Gibbs was driving, that really didn’t say much. Tony waited until there was a nice stretch of clear road, with no one coming, before asking his first question. “So. How do you know Lehane?”

“Director Vance introduced me,” Gibbs explained sourly. “Seems he thought I should know some of their people.”

“They’re rather … unusual,” McGee offered, and, for once, Tony was not tempted to comment.

“They’re pains in the god-damn ass,” Gibbs growled. “They can come onto any scene, anywhere, and just take over, and all they need to do is quote some piece of Homeland Security legislation.”

“How is that possible?” Ziva asked, confused.

“You quote Homeland, you can pretty much do what you want,” Tony shrugged.

“They’re pretty young,” McGee commented.

“And they’ve known one another since high school,” Ziva nodded. “Or, at least, Agents Lehane and Harris have,” she added.

“Oh, they’re young, alright,” Gibbs nodded. “There’s only a few of them over thirty in the whole organisation, as far as I know.”

“Wow!” McGee breathed. “That’s -”

“Unusual,” Tony filled in. “And hinky. Don’t you think it’s hinky, boss?”

“The whole damn organisation is hinky, DiNozzo,” Gibbs declared, and that was, apparently, the end of the conversation. Silence reigned until they returned to the Navy Yard, and set about their various tasks. The other two members of the IGC team had accompanied them back to headquarters, and Gibbs had taken them down to the Morgue to meet up with the rest of their team.


The investigation progressed with admirable swiftness. Between evidence collected on the scene, and McGee’s tracking of the young Corporal’s last moves, they were able to pin down the place where he’d picked up his eventual attacker. From there, they were able to figure out who it was, and their motivation. The only thing that niggled at Tony was how the IGC team had found the body first, and what their involvement was.

Also, why they’d apparently mounted a guard on the body.

Word of the day: hinky.

“So, boss,” Tony began carefully as he worked on his report, “any word on how Lehane’s team found the body first?”

“Or why they’re still here?” Ziva added. Ah, good old Ziva, with her Mossad-trained paranoia. Good to know some things can still be trusted.

“They have a case that they think might relate to Corporal Danson’s murder. They were following a lead when they came across his body. They’re still not sure if it’s related, but they decided to let us do the dirty work while they read comics and played games.”

“We still get credit on this investigation, don’t we,” Tony asked anxiously. “I mean, they’re not going to steal the case out from under us at the last moment, are they?”

“Nah,” Harris drawled. “Last thing we need is paperwork. The latest Spiderman comic is due out this week, and I want to read it before Andy does.”

“Don’t do that!” Tony yelped. “Make a noise when you walk, will you? God, you need a bell or something, I swear!”

Harris blinked then began chuckling. “You have no idea how many times I said that to someone else,” he grinned. “Thanks for that.”

Gibbs sat back in his chair. “So you taking off now?”

“Yep,” Harris nodded. “We’re all done here, and it turns out our lead was a bust.”

“Corporal Danson can go home now?”

“The good Corporal is fine to go home,” Harris agreed.

Gibbs held the other man’s eyes for a long moment, then nodded, and returned to his work.

Tony watched the young man wander off to the lift, and realised he was never going to find out what it was that was just so strange about those people. He sighed, and returned to his paperwork. “Who was that masked man?” he muttered.