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The How To Guide

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Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or have any rights to Harry Potter; I make no money from writing these fic’s.
Story Title: The How to Guide
Chapter Title/Number: How to Stop a Fight – Chapter 1
Summary: A collection of one shots with SubHarry based around a ‘How To Guide.’
Warnings/Ratings: mixture of ratings, Yaoi, smut, kissing and such along with SubHarry and Older-male/younger-male, craziness and pervetedness and chaos.
Written for: my Oneechan, a challenge we’re doing between us both.
Author/Writer: Chibi_Ladybug

Screams and shouts echoed throughout the area, bodies fell to the floor as bright flashes of light crossed paths through none of this mattered to Lord Voldemort and Headmaster Dumbledore. The two were locked in a fierce glaring match as they ignored everything around them but each other.

“Tom,” Dumbledore cried out, his wand raised and pointed a the Dark Lord, “It is time to pay your dues, you have already done so much damage to the wizarding world and you had to go and kidnap Harry-“

“Kidnap Harry!” Voldemort blurted out in shock with a snort of amusement, “He basically ran into my open arms and kissed me senseless!”

“Do not lie Tom,” Dumbledore called out above the loud sounds of the battle field, “You brainwashed him, you told him lies to get him to your side.”

“I didn’t have to,” Voldemort said with a smirk on his face, “It seems that you did a pretty good job of that yourself Albus.”

“Give him back Tom, stop this foolishness,” Dumbledore ordered while totally ignoring Voldemort’s last comment, “Stop this fight, call off your Death Eaters and face your punishment like a man.”

“Small problem there,” Voldemort chuckled darkly, “I’m more snake then man plus if I ended up dying Harry would never forgive me.”

“You have no right to call Harry by his first name!” Dumbledore cried out, his face set in a mask of anger and hatred, “You kidnapped him, you doomed us all you-“

“If anything in the world goes wrong then it is my fault, I get it,” Voldemort said dryly as he played with his wand, “Honestly Albus you act like a big kid.”

“I do not,” Dumbledore replied, “If anyone act’s like a spoilt brat it’s you!”

Voldemort huffed, “Me? Act like a spoilt brat? The only time that happens is when Harry won’t let me lick melted chocolate off of his naked body.”

A wave of magic suddenly came out of Albus Dumbledore, like a wave of water Dumbledore’s magic washed over the battle field, causing a few people to stumble at the sheer power of it, until it rolled off into the distance becoming nothing more than a tiny tickle until it disappeared totally.

“How dare you!” Dumbledore cried out, his face went bright neon red, “How dare you say just things about Harry!”

Fighting lay forgotten as thousands of eyes turned to watch the Lord of Darkness and the Lord of Light battle one another, it seemed things had taken an unexpected turn.

“I’m just saying the truth Albus,” Voldemort said with a grin, he was clearly enjoying the old man’s discomfort, “After all we have done it before, we’ve also used ice cubes and ice cream and-“

“How dare you do just things to a pure and innocent boy,” Dumbledore growled out in anger as his magic threatened to burst out of him.

“While I’ll give you pure I have to wonder if we’re talking about the same Harry when you say innocent,” Voldemort said with a raised eyebrow, “He taught me a few things in the bedroom.”

“”Lies! You only speak lies Tom,” Dumbledore said with an angry glare as he noticed the many stares they were getting, “Why do you have to say just vile and horrible lies about Harry? Why can’t you just-“

“Leave him be, die at his hand, let him marry the Weasley whose name when shortened reminds me of an alcoholic drink, and then once she’s carrying Harry’s child kill Harry off?” Voldemort said slowly as all playfulness was suddenly gone in his face, “I think not, I cannot and will not allow it.”

Dumbledore’s face went pale at Voldemort’s words, “H...How did you did you find that out?”

“Oh a pair of red foxes told me,” Voldemort said simply as he gave a smirk, “I have my people, they’re in places that you would never have guessed to look. Face it old man, your losing your touch.”

That was all Dumbledore could take, he raised his wand and roared out, “Avada Kedavra,” and watched as the bright green light headed for his opponent with a dark grin on his face.

Voldemort sighed, he was thankful that his beloved had taught him this trick or else he would really be in a tight spot at the moment. He waited until the green light was only a few inches away from him before he took a lazy steep to the left causing the killing curse to miss him and hit the large stone wall of the castle behind him.

“And now you can add Lord Voldemort to the people whose survived the killing curse,” Voldemort said with a smug grin on his face as he took in Dumbledore’s shell shocked face, “Like I said, give it up old man, your past your sales by date.”

“”Never! I will never give up, I will never forgive you for what you have done,” Dumbledore cried out as he raised his wand in preparation to fire another spell, “This is the end Tom and this time you won’t be able to dodge.”

“Well do get on with it,” Voldemort said with a roll of his eyes getting a low wave of laughter from the crowd around them, “I haven’t got all day you know, I’ve got to get back home so I can fuck Harry into the mattress.”

Growling darkly Dumbledore raised his wand at Voldemort and opened his mouth to speak only for a loud popping sound to echo throughout the stone quite battle field and a very healthy Harry Potter appeared standing between Dumbledore and Voldemort.

“Tom,” Harry wined with a pout on his face, “How much longer will it take?”

Voldemort blinked in shock, he didn’t know whether to burst out laughing at his lover’s sudden appearance or to scold him for coming to just a dangerous place.

“I thought I told you to stay in the manor where it’s safe,” Voldemort said with a frown.

“And I was,” Harry said with a nod of his head as he walked over to Voldemort and hugged the Dark Lord, “But...”

Sighing Voldemort hugged Harry back, “But what?”

“It seems that the twin foxes wanted to do a bit of redecorating,” Harry said slowly as he rubbed himself against Voldemort and nuzzled his lover’s neck, “Using blood of our enemies as red paint and you know how I get when I see you all strong and powerful and strutting your stuff on the battle field.”

Voldemort let out a low groan of pleasure as he felt his Harry’s body against his, as he tried to pull himself together all he could seem to think of was the pleasure Harry was giving him.

“That’s it, I can’t take anymore you little minx,” Voldemort said huskily as he scooped up Harry, “Dumbledore, our big fight can wait for a few months, I’ve got to get home and pound this little minx into the mattress, hard and fast.”

Harry gave a loud cry of happiness and kissed Voldemort soundly on the lips.

Voldemort couldn’t help but to feel smug at the shell shocked expression that was on Dumbledore’s face as the proof of Voldemort’s words was basically being screamed at him.

“Like I said, we’ll have this big battle in a few months,” Voldemort said as he and Harry parted, a trail of saliva was still connecting them through, “I’ve got more important business to take care of.”

With that Voldemort turned and silently disappeared from the battle field with Harry held lovingly and protectively in his arms.

“Well,” Mad-Eye said gruffly as he stepped forwards to stand next to the aged Headmaster, “That is one way to stop a fight alright.”