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Hurt

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I remember the day I met my friends in the Hogwarts Express, like it was yesterday. It´s the best day of my life and I will never forget it.
It was the day I suddenly wasn´t alone anymore. James, Sirius and Peter. We are a team, we are the marauders.
So, of course I was afraid when the full moon came around and I could feel the wolf in me, creeping up, trying to reach the surface. Trying to break free.
And when I came back to being me, after those hateful nights, with scratches and new wounds all over my body, lying in the hospital wing, trying to come up with an excuse, so my friends wouldn´t leave me again.
I was so afraid. I was so afraid to tell them the truth. But after months of being at each other’s side, telling each other everything, getting so close, I couldn’t stand to lie to them one more day.
I had to tell them. And when I did, all three of them just smiled at me and told me that they had figured it out months ago.
They didn´t leave me, they were still my friends. And the fact that I was a werewolf didn´t change a thing. I couldn´t believe it.
And I couldn´t believe either, that they went through the hard procedure of becoming Animagi. But they did. And from that moment on, I wasn´t alone anymore in those nights I always had wished to forget.
I knew what strong bond we had. But the fear of losing them, of losing just one of them, was strong in me. And I would never overcome that fear.

So, of course I panicked when I realized that I had fallen in love with Sirius, my best friend.
Sirius and I had always been close. When I was learning in the Gryffindor common room and Sirius and James came back from an exhausting Quidditch training, he flung himself next to me and fell asleep on my shoulder.
I never really thought about it, I never saw the exchanged looks between James and Peter.
Sirius slept beside me and I continued learning. And after I had fallen asleep, Sirius was always the one who gently woke me up and lead me to my bed.
I never realized how much we actually touched.
But after I saw Sirius kissing a Ravenclaw girl in a hallway and after I suddenly felt jealous rising in my blood, I figured out that I had fallen in love with him.
It hadn´t been from one moment to another, but slowly.
And now I was so aware of everything Sirius did.
His concentrated face when he did his homework, or at least tried to do it. How he always bit his lower lip when he got excited. How his whole face lit up when he thought about another prank for the marauders.
And I noticed his touches. I had never realized it. But he touched me. A lot. Of course there where the evenings when he fell asleep on me and I could feel his hot breathes on my skin and his warm body pressed up against me.

He touched me in class, during breakfast, when he just walked past me. I was suddenly so aware. And it killed me.
In the past his touches made me feel warm, but now they burned me. And they hurt.
I knew that I would never tell him how I felt, because I could not risk losing him. Not him. Not Sirius, not Pads.
But it hurt to be near him. So I did the only thing I could think of. I avoided him.
I spend more time in the library, more time outside learning, despite the cold. I didn’t spend a lot of the time in the Gryffindor common room anymore.
I practically spend all my time alone, because avoiding Pads also meant avoiding Prongs and Wormtail. It was hard, but it was easier than feeling the pain when I looked at Sirius.
It was already past midnight and I was alone in the common room, the fire was nearly burnt down. I still had to finish my potions homework, before I went to bed.
I didn´t even hear Sirius’ steps when he came down the stairs, I only noticed him after he stood right in front of me. Sometimes he has more features of a cat than a dog.

“Did I do something wrong, Remus?” No Moony, no Moons.
“What?”
“Did I do something wrong?” Sirius repeated and I could see how sad and worried he looked.
“Why would you think that?”
“Because we hardly see you anymore. You’re constantly in the library. You are avoiding us, or you are avoiding me.”
“No I wasn´t.”
Sirius was still standing in front of me. “Yes you were.”
“It´s not…” You. But that wasn´t entirely true. It was because of him. But it wasn´t his fault. In was mine. “It´s not you. It´s just the moon has been bothering me lately. More than usually.” A lie. But better than the truth.
I could see how his sad expression changed to fully concerned. “Are you sure? Is there something I could do to help?”
“It´s better now. But thanks.”
“So you´re going to be with us again, Moons?” I could hear the hope in his voice and I knew I would do everything I could to make him happy, to change this voice into his happy one again, even if that meant that I would be hurting more again.
“Sure.” I packed my school thinks together, the potions homework could wait. Sirius face broke into a huge smile, and I couldn´t help but smile back.

After I rejoined the marauders again, Sirius never left my side. And I mean never.
He went everywhere I did and he was so much touchier than usually.

A few weeks passed and I still tried to don´t let the hurt consume me. I thought I did well in not letting my feelings show, until James proved me wrong.
I was sitting in the library, going through my transfiguration notes, when James dropped into the chair next to mine.

“Is everything okay?”
“Why wouldn´t it be?” I said without looking up.
“Because you are distant, Moony.”
“What makes you say that, we´re practically together the whole bloody day.”
“Not your body. Your mind is distant.”
“I´m fine, Prongs.”
I could see Prongs rolling his eyes on me. “No, you´re not bloody fine, Remus. Just tell him.”
I froze. He couldn´t know. I was careful. “Tell who what?”
“Tell Padfoot that you have feelings for him.”
My eyes got big and I could only repeat one word while staring at my friend. “How… How?”
“How did I know? It´s bloody obvious, Moony. Every time Pads touches you, you tens up and you look like you are in pain. When you see him, there is a short time when you look so bloody happy and in the next second you look so sad, as if someone took away all your chocolate and your books. You love him. Go tell him.”
“I can´t.”
“Why not?”
“I can´t lose him. I can´t lose anyone of you. But I really can´t lose him.”
I felt James hand on my shoulder and I turned my gaze on him. “You would never lose him.”
“I won´t tell him.”
“Fine your choice. But I think you are making a mistake. See you in the common room.”

After my talk with Prongs, it was harder again. So much harder than before. It was hard to be near him.
So I did what I had done before. I swallowed my feelings and hid in the library. Away from Sirius and his soft touches.
It only took three days, for James to return, to sit in the exact same spot than before.

“You have to tell him.”
“I can´t.”
“I mean it Remus, you have to tell him. He´s miserable. He thinks you hate him. He thinks that you don´t want to be his friend anymore. And he doesn’t bloody know why. You. Have. To. Tell. Him. Remus.”
“Okay.”
“What?” I could notice that Prongs was surprised by my answer.
“I will tell him. It´s the one thing I can´t handle, James. I can´t see him unhappy.”
I packed my things into my bag and left the library.
“He´s in our bedroom.” I could hear James shouting after me.

After I told the Fat Lady the password I ran up the stairs to find a crying Sirius sitting on his bed, covered with blankets and eating chocolate.
He was crying. And it was my fault. Again.
“Pads.”
“Why do you hate me?” His voice was so quiet. He didn´t even look up.
“I don´t hate you. I love you.”
“Love you too, Moons.” He still wasn´t looking at me.
“No, Pads. You don´t understand. I love you. I´m in love with you.” Now he was looking at me. His eyes big. But he wasn´t saying anything. And I just started rambling.
“I´m in love with you and that´s why I´ve been avoiding you. It´s not your fault it´s mine. I´m sorry. But it hurt being near you. I couldn´t touch you. I couldn´t tell you how I felt. I was so afraid of losing you. I still am. I´m…”
I hadn´t even realized that Sirius had left his bed and had walked over to me.
But now I could feel him. And I could feel his lips touching mine. I couldn´t move. I could breathe. In my head I was screaming. Sirius was kissing me.
Before I could fully process this information, Sirius was pulling back, now with a tiny smile on his lips.

“What?”
“You´re such a bloody idiot, Moons. I´m in love with you too. When you avoided me I was so afraid, I thought I did something wrong, so I didn´t leave your side when you were finally back. I could finally cuddle up into you again, could finally smell you again. I could finally touch you again.
And then you were gone again. I didn´t know why.
I love you, too.”
I couldn´t believe what Sirius was telling me. But I knew he wasn´t lying to me. So I did the only thing I wanted to do in this moment. I lay my hand on his neck and pulled him to me and kissed him hard. I could taste the chocolate on his lips, his tong. I could taste him. Sirius. Padfoot. My Padfoot.
I could feel him pressed up against me. I felt everything I wanted to feel for so long. I realized I could have this. That I had it.

“Thank god.” Sirius and I split apart and turned our gazes to the door, where we could see James and Peter grinning at us.
“You knew.” Sirius and I sad at the same time. James had known of both our feelings and hadn´t said a word.
“Of course we knew.” Said James while Peter only shook his shoulders. Sirius and I had told James and Peter was just very good at observing.
Sirius didn´t give a response, I just felt his hand slipping into mine and he pulled me to his bed where he continued kissing me. Where I continued kissing him. Until we both fell asleep cuddling.