Chapter 1: Scene from an Italian Restaurant
Thanks to emony for the beta-read.
"Sex with robots is more common than most people think." - Spike
* * *
Tucker needed cash, quick. His computer science midterm was coming up, and how was he going to study without pizza and Red Bull? So he went to the most reliable source for cash he knew - Warren's room.
His roommate got money from his mom once a month, and Tucker knew all the spots where he hid it. He checked the Star Wars tin on the dresser, the drawer of his computer desk, even his underwear drawer. Nothing. Only one place left to look - the closet. Warren's closet was so messy that even Tucker feared to enter it. But for food and caffeine, he was willing to take a few risks.
Tucker dug through the closet, searching the pockets of Warren's pants and jackets. Just as he found $20 in an old black trenchcoat, he felt something under his feet. He shoved the blankets, video cassettes, books, magazines and clothes out of the way and discovered something that felt oddly like a dead body. He pulled the body of a young woman out of the closet, and his finger caught on a switch. He flipped it on, and the woman opened her eyes.
"Hello!" she said. "Where's Warren? Did I displease him in some way?"
Tucker grinned, and sat back on his heels. "Well," he said. "Isn't this interesting?"
* * *
Warren and Katrina were seated at the restaurant, waiting for Tucker. They had decided to celebrate the start of spring break with a meal at their favorite Italian restaurant.
"Where the hell is he?" asked Warren. Tucker was late, as usual.
"He's probably picking up his new girlfriend. I saw him earlier today, and he said he was bringing someone," said Katrina.
"Girlfriend?" scoffed Warren. "Tucker doesn't have a girl-" He spotted Tucker approaching at that moment, his arm draped over the shoulders of a pretty dark-haired girl. "Oh, fuck," he said under his breath.
"Hey," said Tucker. "This is April. April, you know Warren, and this is Katrina, Warren's girlfriend."
Warren sucked in his breath, waiting for an outburst that never came.
"Hi!" said April. "I'm Tucker's girlfriend!"
"Hello," said Katrina. "You want to sit down?"
"Go ahead, April," said Tucker. He sat down in the booth next to Warren, and April slid in the other side, next to Katrina.
"We haven't ordered yet," said Katrina, shoving menus in front of Tucker and April.
Tucker picked up his menu, and flipped through it. Warren took a sip from his water glass. "I wonder if this place serves bread pudding," said Tucker carefully. Warren choked on his drink.
"Are you okay, honey?" asked Katrina, as April picked up a fork and dropped it under the table.
"Oops!" said April cheerfully. "I must pick that up." She dove under the table.
"I'm fine," said Warren. From under the table there was the unmistakable sound of a zipper. Tucker gasped.
Katrina narrowed her eyes and glared at Tucker. "What the hell-?"
A waitress suddenly appeared at their table. "Are you ready to order?"
"Not - quite - yet," gasped Tucker.
The waitress tilted her head and looked at him. "Are you okay?"
"Oh yeah," Tucker moaned.
"Um, I'll come back when you're ready," she said, and backed away from the table.
"Do you have any idea how disgusting you are?" Katrina hissed at Tucker.
"Oh yeah," Tucker breathed, his eyes lingering on her face. "Keep talking to me."
She cringed. "Oh my god," she said, and slid out of the booth. "I'll be back when you're decent." She headed toward the bathrooms.
"You bastard," said Warren, once Katrina was out of earshot. "How did you find her?"
"I was - oh god - looking for cash - oh yeah - in your closet," Tucker gasped.
Warren sighed. "One of these days I'm going to put one of those zapping dog collars on you and put an electrical field around my room."
"Oh, don't tease me," said Tucker.
"This isn't funny!" said Warren. "April, stop!"
Tucker laughed. "I reprogrammed her," he said. "She - oh, yes! right there - she doesn't answer to you anymore."
"You are so fucked in the head," growled Warren. "Do you - "
"Wait!" interrupted Tucker. He closed his eyes and leaned back. His left hand reached over and gripped Warren's thigh. He gasped, and his whole body tensed, then relaxed. He took a deep breath, then let it out and opened his eyes. "Okay, what were you saying?"
"Dude! Let go of me!"
"Sorry," grinned Tucker, removing his hand from Warren's leg.
April emerged from under the table, wiping her mouth. "What would you like me to do now, Tucker?"
Tucker leaned forward. "Have you ever danced with -" Warren slapped his hand over Tucker's mouth.
"No," said Warren. "God, not here! April, go clean yourself up."
April looked at Tucker, who nodded.
"Okay!" she said, and headed towards the bathrooms.
Once April was out of hearing range, Warren dropped his hand. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Well," said Tucker slowly and carefully, "I thought I was getting head from a sexbot in a public restaurant. What would you call it?"
"She's not a sexbot!" said Warren.
"She's more than that! She's - " Warren shook his head. "Never mind. The point is, she's mine. And I put her away for a reason." He leaned towards Tucker and dropped his voice to a whisper. "I don't want Katrina to find out about her!"
"Why not? An April/Katrina sandwich sounds pretty good to me," said Tucker.
"Okay, first - Katrina's my girlfriend - so keep her out of your pervy mind. Second -"
"My pervy mind?" asked Tucker. "I'm not the one who programmed fetish_03.gfd. That's pretty fucking sick, man."
Warren turned bright red. "I wrote that as a programming exercise! And second, I don't think Katrina would appreciate my objectification of women."
"Okay, you've been spending way too much time with Katrina and her friends."
"I'm just saying, she'd probably be really offend-"
"She's coming," said Tucker. Warren jerked his head up and saw Katrina returning from the bathroom, followed by April. He leaned back in his seat and tried to look casual.
"So she's a robot," said Katrina, sliding back into her seat. Warren and Tucker looked at each other. April sat down next to Katrina.
"Um, no, she's not," said Tucker.
"Oh, please," said Katrina. "It's obvious. What I want to know is where you got her. You can't afford to buy a robot dog, let alone a girl, and your hardware skills suck. Actually, the only person I know who could build something like that would be -" She stopped, and looked at her boyfriend. "Warren."
"You built a sexbot for Tucker?!" Katrina exclaimed.
"She's not just a sexbot," said Tucker. "She also cleans house, cooks, and gives amazing backrubs."
"I'm not talking to you, you freak," said Katrina. "Warren - you build a robot for Tucker? That's just -" She shook her head. "Actually - that's pretty cool."
"What?" said Warren.
"What?" said Tucker.
"She's got an incredibly sophisticated AI. Okay, she probably wouldn't pass the Turing Test, but still - very cool. And the voice recognition, her facial movement, her skin - everything is incredibly detailed and accurate. I'm impressed, Warren."
"The texture of her mouth and tongue are fantastic," added Tucker. "And you should feel her -"
"Really?" said Warren hastily. "You're not, you know, mad, or anything?"
"It's a little weird, but if she keeps Tucker away from real women, then you've probably done society a favor. But you're going to have to explain to me how you did it. What kind of algorithm did you use for the sensory recognition? What did you use to simulate the body fluids? How did you make her skin?"
Tucker slumped in his seat. "Engineers!" he sighed.
* * *
Chapter 2: Revenge of the Nerd
Sequel to Sex With Robots: Scene from an Italian Restaurant. Warren gets revenge on Tucker.
Thanks to emony and syrinxx for the beta reads.
Warren was settled in front of the TV watching X-Files reruns and waiting for Katrina to show up when he heard a scream from Tucker's room. Warren started laughing.
"Warren! Aaaah! Fuck! Warren, you bastard! Help me!" screamed Tucker.
Warren slowly dragged himself off the couch and pushed open the door to Tucker's room. He leaned against the doorway and grinned. "So. Decided to try out fetish_03.gfd, did you?"
"You asshole! You changed it and you didn't tell me! Ow! Stop, April!"
"Well," said Warren, "I didn't think you'd actually use it. You seemed disgusted by the idea."
"Make. Her. Stop."
"I can't do that. She only answers to you, remember?" grinned Warren.
"I tried! April, banana! BANANA!"
"Oh, yeah. I changed the safeword, too. Hmm, now what did I change it too?"
"Fuck! If she destroys my balls, I'm taking yours!"
"You know, my memory gets really poor when I'm threatened," said Warren.
Tucker screamed in agony, and gasped, "Please, Warren! PLEASE!"
"What's wrong? I thought you liked pain."
"Fun pain! Sexy - ow! - pain! Not this! Please - tell me - the safeword! PLEASE!"
"Fine. Since you begged so nicely. 'Eleven benevolent elephants'."
Tucker groaned. "You bastard."
"Gosh, you're just never happy, are you?"
"Eleven belevenent - Fuck! Eneven - Ahh! Ow! Ow! OW!"
Warren winced. "Oh, now that looked nasty."
Tucker gritted his teeth. "Eleven. Be-ne-vo-lent. El-e-phants!"
April stopped what she was doing. "You are not pleased?"
"Let go of me!"
He gasped in relief as she let go and climbed off of him. "April, go to sleep." She laid down on the bed and closed her eyes. Tucker groaned. "Ice. I need an ice pack."
"Uh-huh," said Warren, laughing.
"Warren, my balls are hanging by a thread, and it's your fault. Get me a damn ice pack."
"I'm not your fucking servant. Get it yourself."
"I can't," admitted Tucker. "I don't think I can walk."
"Then make April get it."
"No way. She's sleeping until I fix that damn program."
"Too bad." Warren shrugged, and turned to leave the room.
"Wait!" Tucker sighed. "Please, Warren? I really need your help here. C'mon, man! Please?"
Warren rolled his eyes and left the room. But he returned a few minutes later with a plastic bag full of ice, wrapped in a towel. He sat down on the bed and handed it to Tucker.
Tucker winced as he applied the ice to the affected area, but relaxed, and slouched against the headboard of the bed. "You suck, you know."
"You deserved it," replied Warren, leaning back next to Tucker. "Can't you at least put some boxers on?"
"No one deserves that. And I'm never wearing pants again."
"For that shit you pulled at the restaurant? If Katrina wasn't so fucking cool, I would have had to kill you. This is getting off easy," said Warren.
"I'd rather be dead," groaned Tucker. "But yeah, she's cool. Don't get what she sees in you, though."
"Me either," said Warren. He and Tucker grinned at each other. Then Tucker threw his arm around Warren's shoulder.
"Eh, you're not so bad," Tucker said.
"Thanks, man," Warren replied.
"So," said Tucker. "Does Katrina do Fetish Three?"
"Oh, hell no!" said Warren. He lowered his voice. "She does One and Two though."
"Seriously?" asked Tucker. Warren nodded. "Damn! You are one lucky bastard, Warren."
"Don't I know it. Katrina!" he said to his girlfriend, who had just appeared in the doorway.
She stared at them. Tucker was naked and holding an ice pack to his abused genitals with one hand. He had the other arm draped around her boyfriend's shoulder, who was fully clothed and grinning at Tucker. "You know what?" she said. "I don't even want to know." She turned around and left the room.
* * *