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Welsh for Beginners

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"Mae fy hofrenfad yn llawn o lyswennod," Ianto said.

Attention firmly on the squelchy jellyfish-gun-thing she was attempting to describe for the records, Gwen just said, "Esgusodwch fi?" But then the strangely intimate tone of Ianto's voice sank in and she looked up.

Ianto was talking to Jack and Jack was staring at Ianto as if he were the Doctor bearing a family-sized bottle of lube and a come-hither expression.

Gwen shuddered and turned her attention firmly back to the jellyfish-squirty-gun-thing. Which, now she thought about it, could actually be an alien lube-applicator.

And that was enough for today. That was more than enough for today. She had not signed on for alien lube.


 

"Ydych chi wedi gweld fy parasiwt," Ianto murmured into Jack's neck, and Jack shivered.

"I never knew I had a kink for Welsh until you started using it in bed," he said.

"We're not in bed," Ianto pointed out.

"In bed, on Gwen's desk - what's the difference?"

Ianto carefully moved the jelly-gun from under Jack's head. "Un cyw hwyaden bach," he said.

Jack sighed and ran his hands down Ianto's chest. "Say something else."

"Lle mae'r drwg llongwyr." Jack's hands were trembling slightly as he unfastened Ianto's trousers, and Ianto leaned forward and whispered, "Mae'r defaid wedi bwyta fy brechdanau."

Jack slid his right hand into Ianto's boxers. "More," he begged.

"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch."

Which was probably a mistake because Jack brightened. "Oh, wait, I know that one! It means - no, don't tell me, I'll get it in a..."

But then he got distracted by the expression on Ianto's face as he picked up the jelly-gun and he never did remember where he knew it from.


 

"Have you seen my alien lube applicator gun?" Gwen asked, wandering into Jack's office.

And then very rapidly wandering back out again when it became very clear that Jack had seen it, conquered it and come.

"You can catalogue that one!" she called back over her shoulder and made her way to Ianto's magical coffee corner where, hopefully, her hazelnut and vanilla latte with whipped cream was waiting for her.

It wasn't.

"You're twenty seconds early," Ianto said, frowning at her. "I was expecting you to at least say bore da to Jack."

"I don't want to risk talking Welsh to him," Gwen said. "Not when he's still got that alien lube applicator gun to hand."

"Dywedwch hynny unwaith eto, os gwelwch yn dda," Ianto said, putting the final squirt of whipped cream on top of Gwen's World's Best Girlfriend mug and handing it over.

"Alien lube applicator gun. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you really need to have a word with your boyfriend about what he gets up to when you're not around." Gwen took a life-giving slurp that left her with a blob of whipped cream on her nose and breathed, "Rydw i'n hoffi coffi." After a long moment of communion with her caffeine, she said, "So you do speak actual Welsh, then?"

"A at A-level, thank you," Ianto said and his face softened a little as he added, "And my parents used to speak it at home."

"So what's with the hofrenfad and lyswennod?"

Ianto shrugged. "Welsh is limited when it comes to talking dirty. And it's not like it can do any harm."


 

Later that day, Jack found himself standing next to a tall, curvaceous blonde as he waited at the bar. He gave her his best smile and said, "Cau dy geg, twll din."

The fist in his face was a complete surprise.