And all the people say,
You can't wake up, this is not a dream
You're part of a machine, you are not a human being
With your face all made up, living on a screen
Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline
Gasoline by Halsey
Reyna looked up at the intricate ceiling. She was lying on a bed that wasn't hers. Wrapped in the arms of the person she felt nothing for. And running on the energy she didn't have. She was currently awake at 3 AM because of the self-loathing that was coursing through her veins.
Jason beside her sighed in his sleep and turned his back to her. Not that she blamed him. She would do it too.
Reyna hated what she had become. And what got her was that no one noticed it. The bitterness and heartache she held close to her in fear of being emotionless. She glanced over at Jason. He would leave in the morning. He would stretch look around and realize he had a one night stand. Then he would gather his clothes and leave. And all the while Reyna would pretend to be asleep because if he knew she was awake it would be awkward. And that wasn't what she wanted.
Reyna was supposed to fall asleep 2 hours ago. Yet she couldn't. She stayed up thinking about the words spoken to her by Venus herself. She hadn't cried that night. She hadn't even processed the words until a few days after the encounter happened. Some part of her wanted to doubt that it was true but another, bigger part of her knew that it was.
It made her feel worthless. She used to be happy without someone in her life. She didn't need someone to complete her. She used to think she was whole already. But Reyna had soon learned that the more she had thought she was whole, the more pieces of herself fell apart.
As the days went on, she became a little more conscious of what was around her. A little more broken inside. Her days were spent on repeat. Be the praetor everyone expects you to be and perform the best that you can.
There were sometimes where Reyna thought not feeling would be better than feeling at all. And right now was one of those times. She knew it would be easy to let go of all of what she was feeling. She had let go of all emotions except for the ones mentioned before. Questions were in her mind. Would she be different emotionless? Would people treat her different than before? Would they still like her as the praetor that she was?
Reyna took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She did her best to turn off her emotions. And then something clicked inside her mind. A somewhat audible sound. The click of a certain switch. The switch of emotions for her.
The next few days people noticed something with their beloved praetor. They noticed something in the way she looked at everything, unseeingly. Not really there but not to far either. Her friends has begun to worry about her. Talking about her in hushed, worried tones. Reyna tried to put on a good show but she just didn't have the drive anymore. She didn't care anymore to do it.
People would always come to her and ask what was wrong but nothing was wrong with her at all. And there was the problem. She had done such a good job and switching off her emotions that she couldn't feel herself anymore. Everything was quiet in her head. When she tried to think, it didn't work.
Eventually they gave up. Making all the pieces of herself crumble to dust. All the pieces of her broke away into nothing. She was out of chances. Out of all hope.