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Something to hold on to when everything else is falling apart

Chapter 3: Is there still time?

Summary:

Robert wants to try to put back the pieces of the shattered trust between him and Michael. But could things ever go back to the way they once were?

Notes:

So, here we are at last. Writing this fic has been SO MUCH FUN. It was also a shitload of feels, let me tell you. I hope you guys enjoy this. If you do (and even if you don't), please let me know! Thank you for your time. All kinds of feedback will be deeply appreciated.
P.S: I really did try to make it as little angsty and feelsy as possible, but you know how things are with these guys, right?

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Robert woke up with the annoying feeling that he was late. He hated being late. The clock said it was only 8:40. He had the suspicion that Michael would still be sleeping. His parents, he knew, however, weren’t.  He got up anyways, took his time in getting ready, nervousness finally catching up with his waking schedule, and made his way downstairs.
The dining room, as usual, was occupied by his parents who were, as usual, having breakfast in silence. Robert tried to hurry into the kitchen, to make his way out as soon as he could. Of course, luck was not on his side this morning.
“Where are you going this early, Robert?” Good morning to you, too, mother. No, I already made plans to have breakfast out, but thank you.
His father continued his breakfast, not sparing a glance at Robert. He hoped his mother wouldn’t keep pushing, and was relieved when it was obvious that she had run out of energy to attempt to play the role of a mother concerned about her son’s life. Robert made his way to the kitchen, where he gathered a variety of goods; he stashed it all in his backpack and left through the back door.
Once out of his house, he made his way to the Wayland manor unhurriedly, giving Michael some extra resting time. Somehow he knew (or hoped to be right) that Michael would not really be bothered anyway.
The Waylands, like the Lightwoods, were early risers. When Robert was near the manor, he saw Michael’s mother leaving the house, no doubt going to the stable to tend to the horses. She looked his way as he was approaching, turned around and went to meet him.
Michael’s mother was a lovely woman, with the same dark, curly hair her son had, which, unlike him, she kept long and tidy. She received him with a smile, which managed to make Robert uncomfortable, thinking that if she knew the way Robert had treated her son, she would scorn him, and Robert wouldn’t even blame her. However, to know the reason why Robert and Michael had been distant, she would also have to know the other thing.
 That train of thought only made Robert feel worse: knowing that Michael had trusted him with his most important secret, with a truth so big that could affect his whole life if it was discovered by the wrong people; and Robert had failed him, turning his back to the person who was there when everyone else had abandoned him.
 Suddenly, Robert started feeling sick. His mood must have shown in his face, because soon Mrs. Wayland was at his side, a concerned expression on her face, her hand gently touching Robert’s arm.
“Robert!” her alarmed exclamation made him sober up immediately. He didn’t want to upset her.
“Morning, Mrs. Wayland”, he said, trying to smile in a convincing way. “Sorry, I didn’t…”
“Ah! No need to apologize, dear, “she said, slowly recovering her calm demeanor “it must be this heat. Apparently the sun didn’t hear it’s barely 9 a.m.” she laughed, which managed to turn Robert’s smile into a genuine one. She had that effect on people; which, Robert considered, her son seemed to have inherited. “Let’s go inside, I’ll get you some apple juice while we wait for Michael, yes? Go wake him up and get back downstairs. I’ll get that juice ready in the meantime. The horses can wait a little longer.”
With a new task at hand, she made her way inside, towards the kitchen, Robert closely following; although he turned right towards the stairs and to Michael’s room.
The door, of course, was ajar. Robert pushed it gently and entered silently.
“COME ON, WAYLAND! GET MOVING IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU!”
“Yes, Professor…” Michael woke with a start, taking a second to realize he was at home in his own bed, in his own room, and not back at the Academy. This was something they did sometimes: Robert did a pretty decent emulation of Ragnor Fell’s voice, and Michael (generally awake), would laugh until he was out of breath.
“You asshole!” Michael said now, throwing a pillow that missed Robert’s head by an inch. Half a breath after, he was laughing.


“Come on”, Robert said, laughter in his voice as well “get ready. I’ll wait downstairs”. With that, he made his way to the kitchen at once. Michael’s mom was already waiting with the glass of apple juice ready. She handed it to him; he thanked her and sat while he drank.
“Is he awake now?” she asked, smiling at him. Robert always felt so welcome with the Waylands; he always felt there the warmth his own household lacked. And Michael’s parents didn’t seem to be bothered by the time Robert spent there. It was a strange thing, something Robert never seemed to get used to.
“Yes, he’s getting ready.”Robert put down the now empty glass. “You were going to feed the horses. Why don’t you let Michael and I take care of that?”
“What are you engaging us in?” Michael appeared downstairs at last. He walked to his mom, kissed her good-morning and went to sit opposite Robert. “I’m hungry, let’s just go”. He stifled a yawn.
Robert caught his backpack from where he had left it, beside his chair. “I was thinking we could go have breakfast by the benches?”
The Waylands had a couple benches at the back of the manor, sheltered under the lovely shadow of huge trees. Some summer afternoons, Michael (and often Robert) could be found reading or napping on those benches.
“Go”, Mrs. Wayland was saying now “I’ll take care of the horses. Do you boys want me to get them ready for you?”
Robert was starting to tell her not to worry, but Michael cut him off “Yeah, that’s great. Thanks mom.” 
He walked to his mother, kissed her cheek and started to walk out, until he noticed Robert didn’t immediately followed. Without turning around he said “Come on, you promised to feed me!” and he was gone. Mrs. Wayland gave Robert a sympathetic look; he thanked her once again, and left too.
Robert followed Michael silently towards the bench farthest to the house. He thought that it would be better to keep silent if he didn’t want to start the day by saying the wrong thing. Since when did he have to tiptoe around what he said to Michael? Robert didn’t know whether to feel sad or angry; at himself, at the situation… It was all just too frustrating.
They sat under a huge tree with long branches that went almost all the way to the floor, building a sort of tent around the bench. They were face to face, straddling the bench, the space in the middle covered by the food that Robert had dug out of his backpack. Fruits, pie, and even a couple cupcakes Robert presumed his mother had bought that morning. If they weren’t on the table earlier, he doubted she’d miss them; although if she did, he would bother with caring about it later.
Michael was looking in amazement at all the food that was now between them. “Jeez, Robert!” he exclaimed happily “don’t you happen to have a slice or two of pizza in there? A burger, perhaps?”
This was good. Joking was good, this was a territory they both could feel comfortable in.
“Take it or leave it, but this is all there is, Michael”.
Michael hummed contentedly, while he was already wolfing down a slice of pie. Robert took another for himself, and left the thermos he was carrying on the bench between them too.
“Iced tea”, he announced.
Michael snatched the thermos, uncapped it and drank directly from it, not bothering with the glasses Robert had set beside it. Robert shook his head; There was some things that would always remain the same.
“So- wait, is there anything left for me?” Robert took the thermos from Michael’s hands and drank, before Michael had time to protest.  “So, what have you been doing lately? Anything interesting?”
Michael shrugged. “Nah, not really. Training, reading, you know… Stuff.”
Robert didn’t know whether to ask about Michael’s girlfriend. He decided not to, just in case it would be too awkward. Also, he thought, if he asked, Michael would probably feel compelled to ask about Maryse. And that would be awkward.
“And you?” Michael asked, at last “What have you been up to?”
“Oh, you know” it was Robert’s turn to shrug. “I’ve been bored out of my mind, not having to keep an eye on you or whatever”.
“Oh, right. Without me around, you no longer have notion of the meaning of ‘fun’. Funny, I would have thought you’d be in good hands with Maryse”.
Okay, we’re going there then.
Robert took a deep breath. “Speaking of: I keep thinking about something she said to me last night. She told me she thinks you hate her.”
There it was.
Michael looked like he was about to choke, but he still shook his head. “I don’t hate her, Robert” he actually sounded offended. “But, I mean, have you seen her? She’s so… intimidating. “
Robert shook his head. “Yeah, maybe a bit, right? But she’s good. So, maybe you think- I mean, could you…?”
“Yeah. Okay. I’ll-I’ll work on it. Listen, I really don’t want her to think I hate her, because I don’t. I don’t want you to think that, either.” Michael looked away before Robert could answer.
“Good. Yeah. Okay.” Robert was starting to feel nervous again. He busied himself by fixing the mess they had done with breakfast, and Michael immediately imitated him. Five minutes later, after they were done, they made their way (silent once again) towards the stables.
Robert followed Michael inside, each taking one side of the isle and feeding the horses, still in silence.
The big brown mare Robert always rode was in the last spot on Michael’s side, so once Robert was done, he went to stand next to him, carefully unlocked the door that was keeping the eager creature at bay, and before she had time to move, he was already holding her back, murmuring soothing words to her.
“Hey, girl! I missed you” Robert hugged his mare’s neck, speaking as she snuggled closer to him. Out the corner of his eye he saw Michael, who was trying to hide his grin behind his own horse, on the space next to the mare.
“She missed you, too, you know”, he said, now looking at Robert in the eyes.
Did you? Robert wanted to ask. He didn’t. He pondered that, if Robert’s own experience could be used as guide to what Michael may have been feeling the time they’d spent apart, the question was unnecessary. Not that he could admit that to Michael, even if it was just so he wouldn’t get the wrong idea. The thing was, Robert acknowledged bitterly, once upon a time he would have had no problem at all in openly admitting he’d missed Michael, that he needed him, wanted Michael by his side.
“Well, of course she did”, he found himself saying instead. “I’m the only one who knows how to treat her right around here”.
The mare neighed as if she agreed with that statement.
Michael scoffed. “Come on, finish with that and let’s get going.”
Michael had already finished readying his horse and was now starting to take him outside the stable. Robert took the reins of his mare and they slowly made their way out too.
“So”, Robert said once they were outside, firmly gripping his mare’s reins “race?”
“Sure”. He couldn’t see Michael from his position, but Robert was sure he was grinning.
“Come on, girl”, he gently patted the mare’s neck “let’s show these two who’s the boss. Ready to beat your brother? You know the way!” As if on cue, both he and Michael got on their horses simultaneously (Michael’s stallion was becoming eager too) and took off.
Robert’s mare soon took the lead, Robert whispering words of encouragement from time to time, sometimes turning around to taunt Michael too.
Robert heard Michael’s horse getting closer, but he didn’t bother to push his mare further, allowing Michael to reach his side instead. “Don’t think I’m going to let you win” Robert warned, “I just thought it was unfair to leave you so far behind”.
“Yeah, sure.”
They didn’t finish the race, they just continued the rest of the way riding side by side, mostly in silence; a wave of relief washed over Robert every time Michael decided to break it. He felt still too awkward, like he didn’t know what to say, to do so himself.
They talked again about what they had done in the two weeks they spent apart, they talked about what they expected to do in the days to come; they spent some words on their friends, their family (Michael was outraged, as always, by the way Robert’s parents kept treating him, no matter how many times Robert told him it didn’t matter). They even talked a bit about Eliza and Maryse, and Robert couldn’t say who was more uncomfortable. Still, what he could feel was that all the conversation felt shallow, somehow lacking; he was saddened to see that there was a very clear gap between them, a distance that they didn’t seem able to close. Looking at Michael, at the way Michael looked back at him, at the way he kept trying to reach him (as if he, too, felt that there was something pulling them more and more apart), Robert wished he could fix things. He hoped there was still a chance to get back what they once had shared.

He hoped there was still time.

 

Notes:

Last, but not least, a very special, huge (and I mean HUGE) thank you to my beautiful, sweet darling friend Sasha for walking with me through this process. I really couldn't have done this without you <3 thanks for putting up with me!