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A Survey to ‘God’

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Dear Fanfiction Council, Local 1013:

This is in answer to your survey. Please note that such surveys waste our time, as they are obviously not used by the Fanfiction Writers, and that we could be doing something productive with our time.

–A.D. Walter S. Skinner, union representative, #1121 Fanfiction Guild

Fanfiction Survey!!! Hey! We at Local 1013 care about our characters! We have developed this short “Attitude Survey 4000” for your benefit. Participation in this survey will provide us with valuable research and development that will provide for a better product! So get out those #2 pencils, gang, and get to surveying! (Note: any character who refuses to do this survey will be reduced to “unliked character status” and thus only be featured in fics written by the loopy psychos. I know you don’t want to be slashed with Chachi of Happy Days and Fez of That Seventies Show, SO GET TO WORK!)

1. Given character name: Special Agent Fox William Mulder, Special Agent Dana Scully, Alex Krycek, AD Walter Skinner, Diana “The Bitch” Fowley, Jeffrey Tyrone (Frank was a Carter misprint) Spender, Mrs. St. Margaret Scully, Ringo Langly, J.F. Byers, Frohike, Teena Mulder, Cancerman, Well-Manicured Man, Pendrell (cuz I’m not dead), and the rest of the gang. (See, we all filled out the survey!)

2. Who is your favorite fanfic author? SCULLY: What, you want me to name them? FOWLEY: Do you people LIKE starting flamewars or something? Oh, wait, forgot who I was talking to. SPENDER: I am not going to name just one. I like all the ones you guys like. CANCERMAN: I maintain plausible deniability on this one… err… not the author. MULDER: Chris Carter. LANGLY: My sister. Or that one chick, you know who I mean, the one who writes the REALLY hot stuff?

3. What is your favorite rating/genre of fanfic? And why?

KRYCEK: G-rated M/S married. Those kooky kids belong together! MRS. SCULLY: NC-17 PWP Slash. Preferably Spender/Pendrell. Because the boys are just too perfect. They make me happy. Plus, Pendrell makes Spender put that mouth to good use. MRS. MULDER: Any kind of badfic. I love those wacky people who make me look like a sex-crazed, abusive freak, because I know I’m nothing like that in real life. TARA: I know this is weird, but I’m all for a good, solid casefile. I like fic that maintains continuity with the show. FROHIKE: Gunmen sex stories. There should be more of them. Because they’re great reading.

4. Are you pro-or-anti-slash?

LANGLY: That all depends. I’m not the one getting slashed, am I? I don’t like dying in fanfiction. FROHIKE: They mean the other sort of slash, blondie! MULDER: My show incarnation seems rather homophobic, don’t you think? But then again– PENDRELL: Skinner and Alex are mighty tasty. And I mean that in a looking, not a tasting way. Because obviously, for myself, I’m in love with Dana. SCULLY: I am so pro-slash. Any sort of slash, any time. That way, I’m not stuck in these poor disguised sex fantasies of horny women who want Mulder. Although, it could mean I end up stuck in an undisguised sex fantasy of a horny woman who wants me. WMM: Deah gott! Do you want to get us killed? BYERS: Personally, slash is rather boring. It’s all the same, really. KRYCEK: You’ve obviously been reading the wrong stuff, Johnny. JOHNNY: Hell-o? KRYCEK: Er– John. You go away.

5. MSR is perhaps the most predominant subgenre of X-Files fanfiction. Could you sum up for us why you think the popularity is so great?

BILL JUNIOR: Because people are stupid? WMM: Oh deah gott! You’ve got it all backwards! MSR is probably the most predominant subgenre of fic because– PENDRELL: Snore, people have watched too many sappy movies with Cary Grant and Rosalind Russel. SCULLY: I think it’s a cooler alternative to romance novels. KRYCEK: Oh, please. Perhaps it’s because the show writes the sexual tension between you and Mulder so thick you could serve it up as soup? MULDER: They do NOT! SKINNER: I think that perhaps Mr. Well-Manicured Man has it right. People believe– or want to believe– in true love, partnership, and ideal romance. MRS. SCULLY: If they’re ideal romance, could I cry? MRS. MULDER: Oh, please. They’ve burnt so slow I think that the power’s out. MULDER: MOM! MRS. MULDER: The truth is out there, Fox. MRS. SCULLY: People write MSR so often because it’s clear that MSR should have been on the show a long time ago. But there’s just one small consideration. SKINNER: Ratings? MRS. MULDER: Chris Carter’s sanity.

6. What do you think of the X-Files fanfiction community?

SKINNER: We have chosen not to answer this as it violates our Fifth Amendment rights. SCULLY: We’re not that stupid! MULDER: Yes, we are, but you voted the brave ones down. PENDRELL: Hey, I like them! SPENDER: Suck-up. FOWLEY: An all-around wacky bunch, those fanfic folks! MRS. SCULLY: Did you just say wacky?

7. What do you think is the most neglected genre of fanfiction? SCULLY: Casefiles! FROHIKE: Gunmen NC-17 stories! MULDER: Mulder/Ash slash! KRYCEK: Mulder/Scully with children. CANCERMAN: The consortium as heroes! MRS. SCULLY: Pendrell/Spender, Pendrell/Spender, Pendrell/Spender! BILL JUNIOR: Any sort of genre where I’m not an asshole. SKINNER: X-Files/Happy Days crossovers! FOWLEY: Fowley/Skinner smut. TARA: Ew. Don’t you have any taste?

8. Speaking of taste– Is there anything you would find TOO offensive in fanfiction?

MULDER: Is there a way to laugh on paper? You mean, we’ve never been offended by the poorly-written, unspellchecked, out of character weirdness before? SCULLY: Not to mention those crazy fics where I’m a frigid bitch. I mean, those really upset me. But take notes, I would also be irritated at any fic that had me dancing the Macarena. MRS. SCULLY: Any fanfiction where I drugged Dana and forced her to marry Fox. And then I married Mrs. Mulder in a double wedding that included Dana’s twin cousins (who happen to look just like the Olson twins) Mary and Susie. That would be offensive. Unless it was badfic. Then I’m all for it. SKINNER: We mentioned our usual contractual irritations at rapefic, un-pc-stuff, torture, out-of-character, SmartQuote fic, right? KRYCEK: Yeah, but you know what really gets me in fanfiction? People who think I always carry lube. If you always carry lube, that means you think you’re always getting lucky. And why would I think that? I mean, I’m evil, not slutty. PENDRELL: You can be evil and slutty. And I have to say that I wouldn’t find anything in fanfiction too offensive if it were done well. However, as most fic authors are not Hemingway or Shakespeare or otherwise geniuses, I would think really hard before doing something that might just be too much. Good judgement is a great writing aid. FOWLEY: Thank you, Pendrell-Sue. SPENDER: Also, I would think cannibalization would just be going too far. SCULLY: Yeah, I don’t ever want to eat Mulder in fanfiction. Or Fowley. And I don’t think that Cancerman would be edible after all the tobacco. MULDER: Isn’t some of the stuff in cigarettes preservative? He’d last a long time. BILL JUNIOR: Hello? Weren’t we talking about *good* taste?

9. Please give us some suggestions about how to prevent some of the mistakes in fanfiction:

SPENDER: Don’t post drunk! TARA: Do research! Preferably correct research. MULDER: Spelling and grammar check. And check those SmartQuotes. SCULLY: A full psych evaluation before posting that epic of yours. MRS. SCULLY: Please check Gossamer before using a title. Lesser things have caused great flame wars. MRS. MULDER: Definitely check your diva-sized ego at the door and be your most creative. CANCERMAN: But remember to try and stay in character. SKINNER: And always use beta-readers. KRYCEK: And remember continuity. BILL JUNIOR: That will, after all, put you one step ahead of 1013. PENDRELL: Use the Force, and the Force will be with you. Always. FOWLEY: Again, thank you, Pendrell-Sue.

10. If you had just ONE wish for a fanfic, what would it be? FROHIKE: To get laid. KRYCEK: For Mulder and Scully to have kids NOT named Melissa or Samantha or William. MRS. MULDER: To stop dying in fanfiction. MRS. SCULLY: A lengthy Spender/Pendrell casefile story. SCULLY: A week’s vacation in Europe without Mulder, without romance, and without fanfic being written about it. MULDER: An Evil Dead/X-Files crossover where I got to get Bruce Campbell. Skinner: I’d like to be less surly and more of a pectoral god. CANCERMAN: I don’t have to wish. Whatever I want, I get. SPENDER: Contract renegotiation.

Well, that’s all! Thank you so much for filling out our form and please send any additional comments or suggestions to the Council at your convenience!

Love and Kisses,

The Local 1013.

P.S. Spender, for insolence you will be slashed with Chachi and Greg Brady at your earliest possible convenience. Please report to the Crossover Punishment Booth by tomorrow.