Chapter 1: batboy.jpg
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 02:14 --
EB: hey, dave.
EB: get your butt online.
EB: i need to ask you something.
EB: something important.
EB: oh my god, dave, you’re obviously there, you’re always online.
EB: i know you have no life, dude, it’s not like i think of you as this totally rad party monster who’s never online at two in the morning because he is so covered in ladies he can’t reach his pocket for his iphone.
EB: i am going to send you one picture of bon jovi for every minute you spend not answering.
EB: this is your final warning.
EB: ok that is it, sit your sweet ass down and get ready for more teasingly tousled blond locks than you will even know how to handle.
ectoBiologist [EB] sent turntechGodhead [TG] file “bonbon.jpg”
EB: this is a good example of bon jovi’s cleanly chiseled profile.
EB: just look at how proudly that chin juts.
EB: it is borderline impudent!
EB: (the file is titled ‘bonbon’ because not only is it a play on his name, it also suggests he is a sweetie. and once a man has enriched as many people’s lives across the globe as bon jovi has done with the rousingly inspirational ‘living on a prayer’, it is close to impossible for him not to be a sweetie.)
ectoBiologist [EB] sent turntechGodhead [TG] file “daveisthisyou.jpg”
EB: sometimes i look at this one and think about how it is what you are gonna look like when you’re an adult.
EB: just remember, it is never too late to stop wearing shades indoors!
EB: we are all here for you if you need to quit.
ectoBiologist [EB] sent turntechGodhead [TG] file “layyourhandsonme.jpg”
EB: you can really feel the sheer, unbridled joy of performance in this one!
EB: man, just looking at it makes me want to join a band.
EB: do you think i’m more lead guitar or bass material?
EB: my rough hewn good looks were definitely never meant to be hidden behind a drumkit, i can tell you that.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] is online! --
EB: bon jovi’s classic 1989 single.
TG: aint convincing no one bro
TG: that set of messages makes you look like the kind of guy whod stay up fourteen hours on ebay desperately bidding for a lock of my hair in a vacuum packed bag
TG: without even checking first to make sure its actually my hair
TG: and not just ball fluff shaved off a butter blonde labrador
TG: you got to understand a guy can get anxious when his bro dont care if hes a dog or not
ectoBiologist [EB] sent turntechGodhead [TG] file “turntechGodhead-log487.htm”
ectoBiologist [EB] sent turntechGodhead [TG] file “turntechGodhead-log532.htm”
ectoBiologist [EB] sent turntechGodhead [TG] file “turntechGodhead-log533.htm”
ectoBiologist [EB] sent turntechGodhead [TG] file “turntechGodhead-log541.htm”
EB: sorry, i thought we were talking about people who spend hours creepily messaging their offline friends.
EB: my bad!
TG: look this isnt addressing the important part of your unsurprising though still frankly unsettling dependency problems
TG: did you call my ass sweet
EB: it was ironic.
TG: its not ironic if you mean it
EB: uh no, dirk says it’s only ironic if you mean it!
TG: so you meant it huh
EB: oh yeah, totally.
EB: sometimes i lie awake at night gazing up at the ceiling and just imagine what it would be like to have your ass for my own!
TG: if you notice typos suddenly rearing their sweet little heads up across the vast dusty plains of my text
TG: like feisty typological meerkats
TG: its cos i just started typing one handed
EB: but then i think how i’d probably be kind of embarrassed having to buy women’s jeans all of a sudden.
EB: you know?
EB: to fit all that rump.
EB: which you obviously have.
EB: and i’m just like,
TG: ive been looking to ease my personal cash flow lately
TG: what would you be willing to fork out for hi def bathroom selfies of my tightly clenched and quivering buttocks
EB: uh, more like what wouldn’t i fork out.
EB: i am sure i can save up another college fund by the time college gets around!
TG: k ill need to work out the best camera angle that could take a few mins
TG: long enough for you to get your paypal up at least
TG: how about it man
TG: youll get a few hot home turf games of five on one
TG: and i can finally start saving for a mac that isnt an actual literal piece of shit
EB: do not even start, i have seen your mac and it is eight hundred dollars of pure streamlined technology.
EB: civilization spent two thousand years evolving just to get to the point where it was advanced enough to build that mac.
TG: did you even listen i just said its an actual literal piece of shit
TG: my bro dropped a deuce in a tupperware
TG: jammed it in the fridge till it was solid
TG: shaped it painted it gave me it for my bday
TG: and now my fingers reek a little riper every time i get done typing
EB: i bet they do.
TG: hes cracked out the bracketed giggles doctor
TG: how long would you say he has left before life as he knows it peels down to four white walls a tight white coat and porridge spoonfed on the regular through a slot in a stout steel door
EB: ok i can tell when you’re about to start rambling so i’m going to have to stop you there, dave.
EB: you still have not answered my important question.
TG: and you still havent transferred fifty bucks into my account for the buttshots im poised right now on the precarious brink of taking
TG: im typing this bent over and buck naked john the least you could do is honor our agreement and cough up the cash like a gentleman
TG: your dad would do it
TG: hes a better man than you
EB: oh my god.
EB: also tell me,
EB: how far would you be willing to go to make the occult a way of life?
TG: is this a multichoice kind of thing
TG: a is not too far maybe slit my wrists over a pentagram drawn in menstrual blood
TG: b is yeah i guess im down with human sacrifice so long as i get video evidence beforehand of the victim popping puppies in a sack and torching it
TG: c is all the way i will consummate my relationship with the occult in every room of its house without shame or the inhibition of the divine
TG: my soul is satans as shall be my maidenhood
TG: i am his as he is mine
EB: yes, that is exactly what this is.
TG: im picking b then cos a sounds way too much like rose has already done it and i dont really wanna bang satan
EB: not! hahaha.
EB: this is a super serious investigation into your magical aptitude and you need to treat it with respect, ok.
EB: no lame jokes allowed.
EB: we are entering the twilight zone.
EB: you can hold my hand if you’re afraid.
ectoBiologist [EB] sent turntechGodhead [TG] file “batboy.jpg”
TG: are you trying to tell me something
TG: is it that youre into lithe little boys with prehensile tails and a taste for the sadistic
TG: i can work with this
TG: *lashes out with full strong length of supple and powerful tail across tender planes of egberts greased up naked back*
EB: it is not.
TG: im just sayin if you ever wanna be honest with yourself about certain urges society might consider outside the boundaries of the sexual mainstream
TG: then im here for you
TG: if you hurl yourself in blueballed desperation from the burning roof of the highrise apartments i will be using here to represent vanilla porn
TG: het couples with a dude on top giving head chastely in the dark
TG: then i will be your kinky safety blanket
TG: waiting stretched and taut at the bottom to save you
TG: with a premium account on scatdiscussion.com
EB: shut up, dickweed.
EB: i am on this awesome site all about how to do magic.
EB: it says i should practice everything on myself…
EB: but some of it sounds pretty crazy, so i’m gonna test it on you first.
TG: do i get a say in this
EB: dave, i’m going to take you to the astral plane. get ready.
Chapter 2: sweeping arcs of sticky euphoria
EB: shut your eyes.
EB: are they shut tight?
TG: tighter than emo jeans
EB: got you!
EB: if your eyes were shut you would not have been able to read that question.
EB: don’t fucking lie to me, dave, i’m a trained occultist.
TG: you read a website on it
EB: ... yes.
EB: it was a very comprehensive website, though.
TG: was your next step gonna be to try to get me to imagine all the tension leaving my body
TG: a gaseous cloud of negative emotions like a depressive texan chernobyl rising from my limp and helpless form
TG: sprawled in utter relaxation across my computer chair
TG: relax my muscles from top to toe
TG: lie back
TG: and wait for you to tell my now weak and pliant subconscious that i should go get naked in times square while squirting whipped cream canisters in sweeping arcs of sticky euphoria writ vast and triumphant across the citys sky
TG: like the shittiest erotic mime that ever went broke on a parisian boulevard
EB: how the fuck did you know??
TG: hahaha was it actually
TG: jesus christ
TG: maybe you should consider investing in chemical castration
TG: any kids you have are only gonna be picked off by natural selection before they hit five anyway
EB: wow, whatever!
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 02:36 --
ectoBiologist [EB] sent tentacleTherapist [TT] file “turntechGodhead-log545.htm”
TT: Thank you, John. This will be a valuable addition to the collection.
EB: you’re welcome.
EB: let him have it, rose!
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 02:40 --
tentacleTherapist [TT] sent turntechGodhead [TG] file “turntechGodhead-log545.htm”
TT: Hello, Dave.
TT: ‘i just started typing one handed’
TT: ‘my tightly clenched and quivering buttocks’
TT: ‘im typing this bent over and buck naked’
TT: ‘egberts greased up naked back’
TT: ‘i will be your kinky safety blanket’
TT: ‘my limp and helpless form’
TT: ‘wait for you to tell my now weak and pliant subconscious that i should go get naked in times square’
TT: ‘sweeping arcs of sticky euphoria’
TT: Anything you’d like to say?
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 02:43 --
TG: i hope you die a death so tortured and grotesque that the photos end up on a viral shock site
TG: and liberal news outlets print horrified editorials about the increasing callousness of the nations youth when confronted with a literally visceral image of mans inhumanity to man
TG: the twist is no one even reads your page because its so fucked up it makes them want to puke out their guts in a manner eerily reminiscent of the way you kicked it in the middle of a double ended intestinal evacuation
TG: the horror of your death will ironically ensure both the longevity of your memory and the publics inability to bear it
TG: and your suffering will be cast from the collective consciousness like a leprous sailor from the decks of an eighteenth century trading vessel
TG: you know what youve done to me
TG: die in a hole
turntechGodhead [TG] blocked ectoBiologist [EB]
TT: From the timestamps on the logs John sent, I feel quite certain you are still online.
TT: Your silence, however, leads me to form the tentative hypothesis that you may, even as I type this, be castigating him for a perceivedly egregious violation of the ‘Bro Code’.
TT: Am I right?
TT: Your silence is more lucid than you have ever been.
TT: But really, Strider, my only motivation here is to reassure you.
TT: We all have feelings sometimes that we find ourselves unwilling or unable to express; please, do not assume this is something I cannot understand.
TT: And I know it can be hard, trying to suppress them.
TT: It can be very hard.
TT: Sometimes you try to cast the net of your ideas wide enough to snare others – anything but that one relentless, squirming moray of a thought – but all you reel in is what you’re trying to avoid. You are fixed on this one sensation.
TT: A sensation that is almost a craving.
TT: Almost a need.
TT: And the pressure from it builds up, and your feelings are a persistent, insistent pulse at the very root of your being you just can’t ignore. And it’s hard.
TT: Oh, it’s so hard
TG: what the fuck
TT: To ignore it. Ah, hello.
TG: dont wait on me i aint got shit to contribute except an intricately recursive network of wtf to infinity
TT: Well, in that case, I hope you won’t mind if I continue.
TT: Not that it would make the slightest difference if you did.
TT: Where was I?
TG: jacked waistdeep up the ass end of your own alimentary canal last time i checked
TT: Naturally. Outside the context of a trusting, longterm relationship, I doubt I would venture that far up anyone’s ass but my own.
TG: oh my fucking christ
TT: It is so hard, so very hard to keep it down, and Dave, it’s understandable that sometimes you lose control – your sweaty, already tenuous grasp on the upright joystick of your feelings slipping just that little harder, just that little faster down the shaft.
TT: And if you happen to lose it – if you burst one day, frantic with the unbearable pressure generated from the friction of thought against forbidden thought, sweeping arcs of sticky emotion writ vast and triumphant against the Kleenex of your heart – then just know this:
TT: Being gay is a-OK.
TT: (The Kleenex of your heart is in this instance a multifunctional metaphor, serving as it does to describe both the rhetorical instrument required to sop up the excess juice of your emotional spunk,
TT: As well as an actual Kleenex for your actual spunk.
TT: Don’t even try to tell me you weren’t jacking off at some point during that conversation.)
TG: pitch fuckin onyx
turntechGodhead [TG] blocked tentacleTherapist [TT]
turntechGodhead [TG] unblocked ectoBiologist [EB]
TG: hypnotise me mindwipe me force me to my knees to do your bidding i dont give a shit
TG: ive tried having control of my consciousness and ive concluded it sucks dick harder than i do in lalondes five fingered fantasies
TG: just do your thing john
TG: i wanna be nonsentient as possible
TG: were talking terri schiavo here theres shit i need to forget
EB: did you enjoy your chat with rose?
TG: my mind is malleable ok just fucking blitz it
EB: i think i am going to send her what you just said about forcing you to your knees.
TG: i am begging you
EB: oh yeah, that’s another good one!
EB: do you know, rose has actually got a whole gdoc which is just really gay things you’ve said?
EB: sometimes she sends me and jade the link and we all reminisce our favorite bits together.
EB: there have been some real gems over the years, dave.
TG: wow lets bring this convo to a screeching halt
TG: appreciate the toothsome scent of scorched-up text
TG: and tell me why the fuck im top billing in these steamy boylove sessions when youve got homo seeping visibly from every single pore
TG: you called my ass sweet not half an hour ago
EB: ok, but that was a joke.
EB: which should have been obvious, as you do not even have an ass.
TG: so youve been looking
EB: rude, dave.
EB: you didn’t even let me finish.
EB: wow ok, i was actually just waiting for you to make that gross as well.
EB: congratulations i guess, you are finally on track to becoming a decent human being!
EB: but what i was going to say was yes.
EB: yes, in a moment of lighthearted humor, i called your ass sweet.
EB: and then you spent five minutes describing a weirdly detailed fantasy about me making you jizz gallons in public, so therefore:
EB: my side: 0
EB: the other team: 1
TG: and bam im suddenly so not interested again
TG: what time is it oh look its demon time
TG: werent you fixing to rewrite my consciousness with matt mcconoonaugaheys maybe you should get back to that
EB: i am saying that the other team has won because you have started playing for them.
TG: look if youd just seen rose do what i just saw rose do youd welcome satans blazing touch like a pregnancy after heartbreaking decades of assumed infertility
EB: even though in reality any team you joined would just instantly lose.
EB: because you are lame.
TG: john look please ive learned my lesson
EB: so totally lame.
TG: ive taken it to heart ill write lines ill stay after class whatever the fuck you want
TG: dont talk to lalonde
TG: she is destroying me
TG: the fragile beauty of my self esteem lies shattered around me in brittle sharp-edged pieces
TG: perfect for scoring out just enough blood from my wrists to use as ink the color of both my text and my heart
TG: ill dilute it with my own tears so it lasts longer
TG: border the pages of my schoolbooks with mcr lyrics that speak to my pain
TG: im sorry i told you to chop off your balls ok i was just horrified by the reaffirmation of your endlessly disturbing adherence to every shitty trope michael bay ever squirted diarrhetically from his ass
TG: im sorry now stop talking about this
EB: like i give a shit what you think about my balls.
EB: let’s make a scrying mirror first, i want to sleuthily soothsay our way to the future.
EB: i bet they have hoverboards by 2015.
EB: man, i’ll be in college by then. what if we can just hover to class? what if when we’re late we can just jump out the window onto our hoverboards to get there?
EB: that would be so sweet.
turntechGodhead [TG] unblocked tentacleTherapist [TT]
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 03:21 --
TG: ‘i give a shit what you think about my balls’
TG: direct quote
TG: stick that in your fucking gdoc and smoke it
turntechGodhead [TG] blocked tentacleTherapist [TT]
Chapter 3: have you ever even seen a goat
(there are some rather nsfw links in this chapter. i promise they are hilaribad and not actual grossout shit, but please do not open them if your screen is within viewing distance of anyone whose opinion of you you have ever cared about!)
EB: first of all you are going to need some equipment, dave.
EB: no practitioner of the occult arts should be without his scrying bowl.
EB: it allows feedback from your deepening trance state to resonate favorably round the specially designed central chamber when it is filled with water, thereby increasing the likelihood of astral projection and communication with spirits from another plane.
TG: does it say that on wikipedia
EB: it does.
EB: do you have a scrying bowl?
EB: gosh, what a great start!
TG: do me a favor
TG: peel your overeager tongue from the window at the back of the bus for one brief second and question why the fuck i would have a scrying bowl
EB: all i am saying is the spirits are way more likely to tell us cool stuff if we give them a fancy venue to do it in.
EB: if you were a ghostly presence wandering the earth in search of answers, would you want to talk to some dumb kid if all he offered you was a washing up bowl full of tap water to do it in?
EB: no! no you would not.
TG: what the hell is a washing up bowl
EB: oh my god.
EB: i am calling cps, no child should have to live in a home where they do not even know how to wash their dirty plates efficiently.
EB: that is the grossest thing you have ever said.
TG: way to impugn my fucking internet honor you sweatclogged crease down the darkly abyssal asscrack of an overexerted builder
TG: that was not the grossest thing i have ever said and you know it
EB: sorry dave, not washing up properly is grosser than any of your totally gay imagery.
TG: i am a connoisseur of computing cacotopia
TG: and i will have that position respected
turntechGodhead [TG] sent ectoBiologist [EB] file “cutebunny.jpg”
EB: wow yeah, i am so intimidated by your mildly creepy zelda fetish porn!
EB: i have seen way worse stuff than that.
EB: in fact i saw way worse stuff than that in the log of your last chat with rose.
TG: im p glad you said that
TG: because it reminds me
TG: youve got five minutes till the virus runs and then that pics gonna be flashing an infinite spiral round the desktop background of every bluetooth compatible electrical accessory in your house
TG: thats including your dads phone ofc
TG: and your dads computer
EB: what the hell??
TG: revenge is a dish best served by an anthropomorphic horse butler gorged on pikachus love juice
turntechGodhead [TG] sent ectoBiologist [EB] file “funnycatpicture.jpg”
TG: that ones gonna be the new cover of every album in your itunes
turntechGodhead [TG] sent ectoBiologist [EB] file “ducksinpark.jpg”
TG: thats gonna be the only thing your tv shows for the next month
TG: a whirling kaleidoscopically animated vision of true romance thrusting hard on the small screen
TG: let me know how your dad likes it
TG: he looks like the kind of guy who might have some tightly buttoned down kinks
TG: maybe these pics will be the tremulous fingers that finally loosen his sexual collar who knows
EB: are you done?
TG: give me a minute
turntechGodhead [TG] sent ectoBiologist [EB] file “christmas2008.jpg”
TG: ok yeah im done
EB: ok, well maybe it is just the way the breeze is blowing in from the dump outside of town, but i smell a rat, dave.
EB: i may not be as quick on the keys as the street smart and feisty ms lisbeth salander, and i may not have had a troubled childhood that pushed me to become the most awesome but also icy hearted hacker sweden has ever known,
EB: but dave, i do know enough about computers to know you are shit at computers!
TG: excuse me
TG: which one of us runs his own website
TG: (handy hint for the handicapable its me)
EB: excuse me, which one of us asked me to help him code his myspace because the font was not tiny enough for his shitty hipster tastes?
EB: handy hint, it was you!
EB: also you cannot take over a tv from my computer.
EB: that is impossible.
EB: because science.
TG: alright you got me
TG: but dont lie bro
TG: for a few seconds there you were shitting yourself
TG: if you wanna take a minute to change up your pants ill understand
TG: aint no one likes wallowing in their own filth
turntechGodhead [TG] sent ectoBiologist [EB] file “summerhols2007.jpg”
TG: except togepi
EB: oh man.
TG: is this your little known masochistic streak emerging
TG: bleary eyed from lifelong hibernation
TG: cranking one out as it spots your pranksters gambit getting smashed harder than charlie sheen on a late vegas night
TG: is it that
TG: or have i finally destroyed the fragile scraps of neural gauze youve spent the last fourteen years passing off as sentience
EB: it is neither!
EB: ‘It’s rather like watching a kitten mark its territory for the first time.
EB: You respect its ambition, and appreciate its stubborn insistence that it, too, is now one of the grown ups,
EB: Yet, at the same time, the reality of the situation is that this animal is pissing down its leg.
EB: Anything adorable in its efforts is neutralized by your absolute mortification at his absolute inadequacy.
EB: Sorry: ‘its’.
EB: I forgot we were pretending this wasn’t about Dave.’
TG: wait did you send those pics to her
EB: and with one simple file transfer, the ball is back in my court!
EB: (like a tennis ball.)
EB: (not like a testicle.)
EB: (no homo, dave!)
TG: fuck you
EB: that sounds pretty homo to me! ;)
TG: ok thats it you have escorted me to the limit and shoved me brutally from its edge
TG: this entire time ive been holding back one final truth grenade i never thought id need to pull the pin on but john
TG: pester jade
TG: shes got something for you
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 03:50 --
TG: paging dr harley
TG: we have an emergency in room 6
TG: come in harley
TG: harley are you there
GG: hello nurse dave!!
GG: what is it today?
GG: another sprained weiner? ;)
TG: jade no
GG: do you need someone to rub it better???
TG: the mists of time have risen up to shroud that day like the brutalized corpse of a car crash victim
TG: we dont talk about it do we jade
TG: we barely even remember the details do we jade
GG: the heart always remembers……..
TG: jesus fuck
GG: lol :P
GG: what do you want?
TG: you know that furry shit you sent me the other day
GG: ugh you dont know the first thing about porn do you??
GG: that was NOT SHIT
GG: that was the good stuff
TG: yeah keep that attitude up its exactly the kind of material im after
TG: thing is jade i sent some of it to john and hes had enough kittens since then he could film his own furry orgy with them if he wanted
TG: and if you know what i mean and im sure that you will
TG: i think he does want
TG: when he chokes his chicken metaphorically he wishes it was literal
GG: dave i dont mean to be a jerk but you are making nooo sense!
TG: ok i didnt want to spell it out because i know how coy the kid gets about his erratically errant erotic urges
TG: but jade
TG: he wants more of your freaky porn
TG: and he wants it now
TG: ‘uh i guess i kind of like it i guess’
TG: ‘uh it makes my…….. um, willy feel kind of nice i guess’
TG: i c/p’ed that from our last log btw
TG: the boys horny for fauna and youre the only girl knows the itches need scratching
GG: that was a shitty impression!
GG: you didnt sound like john at all
GG: hes a lot more straight forward about his dick than you are dave!!!
TG: sounded enough like him for you to forward some frantically rutting hound dogs to his inbox tho
TG: am i right
-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 03:56 --
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 03:57 --
GG: hey john!!
GG: dave said you might want to talk to me……..
EB: hi! yeah, he said you had something for me?
GG: yes thats right i do!!!
EB: is this another of his lametastic pranking efforts?
EB: man, that guy wouldn’t know a good joke if it smacked him right in the face with a pie just packed full of delicious creamy humor.
GG: dont worry i promise i wont tell rose you said that ;)
GG: anyway ive got some nice stuff for you
gardenGnostic [GG] sent ectoBiologist [EB] file “puppylove.jpg”
EB: oh my GOD!!??
EB: jade what the fuck!
gardenGnostic [GG] sent ectoBiologist [EB] file “holdyourhorses.avi”
EB: no no no no D:
gardenGnostic [GG] sent ectoBiologist [EB] file “gettinghisgoat.jpg”
EB: jade have you ever even seen a goat??
GG: not in real life! :)
EB: ok trust me they are NOT THAT MUSCLY…
gardenGnostic [GG] sent ectoBiologist [EB] file “dogeatdog.avi”
EB: also wolves do not even mate in that position, i have seen it on animal planet!
gardenGnostic [GG] sent ectoBiologist [EB] file “eagerbeaver.jpg”
EB: augh jade stop it!!
EB: dave put you up to this, didn’t he.
GG: a lady never tells……… ;)
EB: he is a turd.
EB: he reeks of turds.
EB: he probably only eats turd, that is why he smells so bad.
gardenGnostic [GG] sent ectoBiologist [EB] file “fromthehorsesmouth.avi”
GG: that is one i came across the other day
GG: if youre interested in that sort of thing i mean!!
EB: thanks, i am so totally going to open that link, because it is probably to gross furry scat porn, and loving gross furry scat porn is so totally what i was talking about just then!
EB: gosh jade, you really understand me!!!!!
GG: its just a suggestion :/
EB: ok look jade, you know i think you are great when you are not sending me pictures of like
EB: old men in sweaty raccoon costumes??
EB: but you are sending me pictures of old men in sweaty raccoon costumes.
EB: and i cannot handle this.
EB: please let me know via rose when you are ready to stop behaving like someone who was raised by 4chan and a large dog.
GG: rude!!!!!! 8|
EB: you have forced me to this, jade.
EB: i’m sorry.
ectoBiologist [EB] blocked gardenGnostic [GG]
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 04:19 --
gardenGnostic [GG] sent turntechGodhead [TG] file “ectoBiologist-log584.htm”
GG: (come on dave i am waiting for you!)
GG: *high five!!!*
TG: id call you a sick puppy but youd probably get off on it
TG: thanks harley
-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 04:22 --
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 04:24 --
EB: i think we have both said a lot of things we regret tonight.
EB: and i think we are both ready to put that behind us, like the mature and reasonable young adults we are.
EB: just think dave, in the future we might look back on this night and reminisce about how it shaped a lot of the morals we stand by as adults! i know i for one have learnt a great deal about handling disagreements in a measured and sensible fashion, and i am pretty sure you have learnt the same.
EB: we are exactly like those guys in stand by me, except instead of discovering hidden truths about ourselves after stumbling upon the body of a young boy, we discovered them after
EB: well, after seeing a lot of gross porn, i guess.
TG: you dont dig the dog dick huh
EB: no, oh my god.
TG: are we doing mutual groveling apologies
TG: i was gonna riff on that and probably in the process mention begging at your feet but this night has been the long dark snuff flick of my soul and i know now what i never knew
TG: all body based imagery is gay
TG: and all emotions are too
EB: haha yeah, pretty much!
EB: i would not offer you an apology anyway, though.
EB: because i am not sorry.
EB: because it was hilarious.
TG: you think that was hilarious then youve clearly never watched yourself react to the sight of a fat chick in bunny ears grinding on a skunk
TG: trust me your log was fuckin gold
EB: ugh, whatever.
EB: can we just agree that tonight never happened?
TG: hell yes
EB: ok good.
EB: so what do you say to contacting the dark spirits of the voids beyond?
TG: i say compared to the cephalodic slop lalondes dishing out it sounds like finest sirloin steak
TG: and just between you and me johnny boy
TG: so long as the voids beyond aint got wifi
TG: i reckon youll be safe from wolf wang too
EB: do you know, that is exactly what i was thinking.
TG: the psychic communion has already begun
TG: fuck dark mirrors yo who needs that shit
TG: the long and supple arms of our broship extend across boundaries not just of state but of consciousness
TG: we are AS ONE
EB: alright, but we are making this mirror.
EB: we’re gonna need some water and something to make the water black, and by we i mean you, because if there are going to be any pissed off spirits getting involved i do not want them in my room.
EB: my room which i just tidied yesterday.
EB: are you still sure you do not have a scrying bowl?
TG: do you seriously need a reminder of what happened last time you started on about this
EB: maybe your bro has one?
EB: we should ask rose, if he has ever used one in a video then i bet she would know.
TG: ill send you jades deviantart page i swear to god
EB: bluh, fiiine.
EB: what are we gonna do then?
TG: we had chinese last night
TG: do you reckon the spirits are gonna get picky if we just summon them in a rinsed out plastic noodle pot
EB: i reckon the spirits are just gonna have to put up with it.
TG: two dollar stir fried satan served by a guy in a kiss the cook apron three blocks over
TG: what next
EB: well, it says coloring the water with rich black ink allows the physical eyes to relax, and lets the inner psychic eyes begin to open to receive desired visions or information.
TG: pretty sure we got soy sauce
EB: those astral planes wont know what hit em.
i have been skippy, and this has been 6000 words of fetish porn and shameless innuendo!
thank you for reading, and i hope that you (unlike me) still find yourself able to look pikachu in the eye, direct and unrepentant, despite the fact you have now seen him nuzzle ash's mpreg zoophile belly