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Fake Palindromes

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"So." She clears her throat. "Does it still work?"

Rachel has never been a testament of tact and subtlety. But this is pretty damn out there even for her.

It's a miracle how she seems so damn convinced that loudly whispering will somehow make her that much less noticeable to everyone around them.

"This is one of... maybe five times you have ever spoken to me," he sounds somewhat incredulous, clearly not used to her antics, "... and you decide to use it to ask me about my dick?"

"It's a perfectly sensible question! There's no point in ignoring something entirely natural about the human body."

"Then I guess you won't mind my asking when your next ovulation is."

"That's private!"

The affronted look on her face almost makes all of this worth it as he rolls out of the auditorium, smiling quietly and victoriously to himself.


Unfortunately for Artie, Rachel Berry is not so easily dissuaded.

"All I'm saying," Rachel starts slowly, just deceptively calm enough that he doesn't see it coming, "is that it would make a lot of sense that a man of your stature would be required to compensate for an inability to be intimate with a good deal of male bravado in its place."

Even as she talks, her eyes remain trained on the arts-and-crafts poster project with which they all (involuntarily) agreed to help Mr. Schuester. If there's one thing that Artie has learned in glee club, it's that he should never underestimate Rachel Berry. She's tricky, ready to strike whenever he least expects it.

Much like arts and crafts.

"Are... we still talking about my penis?"

The severity on her face is telling-- almost as though offended that he didn't pay better attention to what she said.

Like he should just assume that her talking about his dick is something he should get used to from this point forward.



He leaves the room again.

(They'll disagree on who won that conversation later, but it doesn't matter.

For the first time-- lips drawn together matter-of-factly, hair in slight disarray-- he actually thinks of her as kind of hot.

Even if he'll tell himself that it's solely because he managed to throw Rachel Berry off balance.)


"On the other hand," Rachel continues to surprise him at the most inopportune times, breaking into a walk beside him as soon as he leaves the bathroom to head to Spanish, "I suppose the same thing might happen if you felt it was too small."

"Woman," he says slowly, giving her a look. "There is nothing wrong with my penis."

There's a long beat before she leans both of her arms on the edges of his chair, and smiles, something telling Artie that he's been missing something all along, building up to this very moment.

"Prove it."