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DC versus Marvel

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From: Agent Maria Hill
To: Director Fury
Subject: Marvel vs. DC

In recent weeks, the general public, likely fueled by the media, have taken to the belief that the Avengers and the Justice League are enemies, or, at the very least, bitter rivals. Fans of the Avengers are calling their side ‘Massively awesome rockin’ victorious excellence & love,” for some reason, while fans of the Justice League members are calling their side, simply, “Da champs.”

Most members of both associations have tried to ignore the constant attempts to rile them into a “match up.” Obviously, certain personality types find appeal in being part of a media circus. The Huntress has mocked the Avengers for being “losers,” and the Question has accused the Avengers of working for a quasi-secret organization that operates off-book without regard to constitutional rights and is secretly run by Justin Hammer, which would be pretty accurate if it weren’t for that last part. On our side, we have Pietro Maximoff calling the Flash “a slowpoke old granny,” to which the Flash has responded “Jokes are fine, but that seems kind of ageist.” Bucky Barnes managed to stay out of it until a reporter asked Barnes why Captain America seemed so mopey and why he couldn’t just suck it up like Superman would, and we now owe that reporter thousands of dollars. We also have Tony Stark, who has done all the things you would expect Tony Stark to do in this situation. Pepper Potts was luckily able to prevent violence after Tony publicly asked Hawkgirl if her uniform were for work only or also for “roleplay,” though no one is exactly sure how Ms. Potts accomplished this.

Naturally, we at HQ were concerned when we heard that the Justice League had arrived at Avengers Tower, particularly since news channels were reporting that this would likely be an epic battle, in which both sides would cause much destruction, and in particular Superman and the Hulk would fight so violently that the city might be in ruins. Due to these reports, local officials evacuated the city without confirming the actual reason for the meeting. Superman had contacted Steve Rogers to have a barbecue to show the world that these two alliances of heroes felt nothing but friendship. Steve, of course, agreed. Neither of them know how to handle the media worth crap, or understand what social media does, so they just assumed they could have a photo op and tell the world about it after the fact. Idiots.

Anyway, we sent SHIELD intern Darcy Lewis and Agent Blake to confirm that everything was all right at the Tower. Agent Barton and Green Arrow were at the shooting range, Martian Manhunter and Thor were talking about how people on Earth are incredibly uptight about the silliest things like nudity, and Wonder Woman and Agent Romanov were working together to try to convince Green Lantern to get drunk. The only incident of note was when Batman and Tony Stark got into a heated conversation about Stark Industries and Wayne Enterprises and their respective technological advances, and then something they both remembered from the ridiculously elite boarding school they both went to, and then, according to nearby witnesses, they proceeded to a private room where they had loud and presumably angry sex. But one supposes that is to be expected when an overprivileged billionaire vigilante with too much repression meets one with far, far, far too little.

The Hulk and Superman did not, in fact, engage in a rage-fueled, city-annihilating battle; Lewis found Mr. Kent and Dr. Banner sitting on the couch, eating cereal, watching a documentary about Edward R. Murrow, and noted that they were “the two most chillaxed dudes on the planet. Seriously, it’s like if pothead sloths took a sedative.”

After confirming the peaceful resolution of the barbecue, SHIELD notified authorities that they should lift the evacuation order. Darcy took a photo of Captain America and Superman making lunch at the grill and then eating, and posted it on social media to show the world the two groups’ intended message of camaraderie. Since they were both eating foot long hot dogs, the media used numerous childish puns to describe this camaraderie.

In short, no collateral damage, but I strongly suggest that the Avengers be given training on how to deal with the media. Though the training won’t help Stark, since he knows how the media works and does these things anyway. We have reached out to ARGUS to find out if similar media training might be appropriate for the Justice League, but ARGUS denied that they even exist, so it’s likely nothing will come of that.

A larger concern would be if the enemies of the Avengers and the Justice League are inspired by this barbecue to join forces. We will need to monitor the situation closely.