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Lessons in the Futility of Love

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What the hell am I going to do? I just realized I'm in love with my captain…my noble (as in 'Rukon dogs need not apply,'), distant, cool, reserved, pale as snow, tall if he's not standing next to me, graceful, proud, kinda stuck up but 'heart is in the right place captain. But as crooked as I am, I think he's got to be straight as an arrow. And being a guy who always walks within the lines, follows the rules, tells the truth (or his perception of it), doesn't drink, doesn't swear (Shit, why does he have to be so perfect?) and puts duty before his own needs, I'm already thinking that I haven't got a stinking chance in hell with him. But me being a Rukon raised, gangly, brazen red haired idiot, and his sister's fuck up friend, of course I'm going to do something stupid. The only question is…how stupid will it be?

I mean, there's cute stupid, like when you go to say something and the other person starts to talk too and each tries to tell the other to go ahead, then both talk again. Then there's annoying stupid like always being late just to see how sexy he looks when he's angry (seriously, the guy's just hot with the pink glow around him…just watch out if he starts glowing white). There's dorky/nerdy stupid like when he tells me to do something and I can't get it right to save my life (usually because he's watching me with those wide gray eyes of his. I freaking love his eyes…shit, where was I? Oh…different kinds of stupid) There's sleepy stupid like when I hadn't slept for two nights because my heater in my apartment broke and as I passed his desk, I tripped over his garbage can and landed in his lap…and he just gave me a look like 'Abarai, what the heck is WRONG with you?' There's curious stupid like when I wondered what would happen if I crossed an electrical kido with a water one…and unwise stupid like when I went over to his desk this morning all ready to tell him I want to throw him on top of the fucking thing and…well…fuck…

"Abarai, are you planning to do anything today or are you going to sit staring at that same report all day?" Byakuya asked.

Aw, hell, not again…

"Sorry Captain," I answer, flushing slightly, "Just got distracted for a moment."

By your silky black hair I want so much to run my fingers through, your eyes that look like they want to freeze me, those perfect lips that always frown, but I would love to see smile…



"Do you have the training schedule for me to approve?"

"Yeah," I say, freezing as I'm met with a disapproving gaze, "Uh, yes sir, right here."

I carry the requested schedule to Byakuya's desk, flinching and holding my breath as Byakuya accepts the report, his hand brushing against mine and setting off pyrotechnics in my stunned mind.

How does he do that to me? Does he do it on purpose? Is he even aware?

"Renji, would you mind bringing some tea for us?" Byakuya asks, startling me out of my reverie.

"Ah, yes sir."

I turn into the hallway and walk to the squad kitchen, my mind still firmly entrenched in thoughts of my captain.

I'm so damned fixated that I can't concentrate. And I keep piling one kind of stupid on top of the other…

I sigh and fill the pot with water, then heat it and pour it into two cups, preparing it the way Byakuya showed me.

How pathetic is it that I've started drinking it the way he likes it instead of how it tastes good to me even when I'm not at work?

I walk back down the hallway with the two cups and set one on my desk. The other, I set carefully in my captain's hands, avoiding injuring the man.

Unlike last week when I was startled because he said my name at just that moment…huh, startled stupid…

Byakuya's eyes meet mine briefly.

"Arigato," he says smoothly.

Can I be brought to a climax just hearing his voice like that? I'm already hard as a rock…helpless stupid…or is it hopeless stupid?

"Abarai, we have been assigned a mission in Hueco Mundo. We are to infiltrate an area known to house one of Aizen's key scientists. There are rumors that this hollow is very powerful and that he has been conducting disturbing tests on captive humans and shinigamis."

"That sounds bad…"

"Security is tight in the area, so we will take a diversionary team that will distract the defenders while we slip in and out."

Fuck, did he just say that?

"What kind of distraction? An attack? Odd noises…what?"

Captain stares as my stomach rumbles loudly.

Well…maybe I could distract them while he slips in and out…

"I will leave that to them. Nothing too flashy. We do not wish to be sensed by Aizen Sousuke."

Or we'd be distracted while he slipped in and out…shit…did I just think that?

My stomach rumbles again. Captain frowns.

"It seems you will keep up these gastrointestinal interruptions until you are satisfied."

There's another way I'd much rather be satisfied, Captain…

"Go and find something to eat, Renji."

"Sure thing, Captain. Would you like to come?" I say, then I flush.

Oh…I did not just say that!

Captain's brow furrows.

"You…want me to join you for lunch?" he asks quietly.

"Well," I say, "Yeah, that's why I asked."

That…and because I don't want to be away from you for five minutes…

"Unfortunately, I have a captain's meeting."

Which I should have remembered, because I have a vice captain's meeting too…

"Ah…okay, I have to go anyway…to the vice captain's meeting."

"Yes," he says dryly, "Nice that you remembered, Abarai."

Forgetful stupid…

I watch quietly as he leans over his desk and gathers several items for the meeting.

Kami, I want to sneak up behind him, wrap my arms around him, pull back that hair, kiss him on the neck and see if those lips taste as good as they look…reckless stupid…



"You are going to be late."

"Oh, right. See you later, Captain!" I say, starting towards the door.

"And don't forget I will be seeing you tonight."

Oh, I know I didn't just hear that!

"T-tonight?" I repeat, stopping at the door.

He shakes his head reprovingly.

"Ban kai training," he says, "If you ever says wish to make captain, then you must perfect your ban kai."

Ah…I would so like to make a certain captain…make him smile…make him blush…make him moan and beg for more, make that sweet white body dance all over mine…

"Until then, Renji."

Yeah…like that's ever going to happen…

"Bye, Captain."


"You know, Renji, you aren't going to be able to keep this from my brother forever. As smart as he is, he is going to figure it out," says Rukia.

There are some things my friend Rukia knows all about, but her brother is not one of them. I can see why fate put these two together. They have so much in common, you'd think they'd been born siblings. But Rukia constantly gets things wrong when it comes to Captain Kuchiki. Like that day at the beach…with the sand sculptures…Kami, the look on their faces was so cute…

"What are you smiling at, stupid?" she asks, "and aren't you going to answer me?"

"Yeah…I don't know what to do. Number one, he's a guy who was married to a woman. So unless he swings both ways, I'm out before we get to first base. Second, he's my captain…and I'm sure there's got to be something wrong about that. Third, I turn into a clumsy, breathless idiot whenever he even so much as looks at me."

"Naw, you're a clumsy idiot anyway!" she laughs.

"Hey! I thought you were trying to help me."

"I am…but it will have to be later. We have to get to that meeting."

I slide to a stop.

"Huh? We?" I say, scratching my head.

Rukia turns slightly, showing off a thirteenth division vice captain's patch. I burst into a smile and laugh.

"When did this happen?"

"Just last night. They're announcing it today at the meeting, then my official ceremony is in a month."

"Does Captain Kuchiki know about this. I mean…I heard…uh that he…wasn't pleased with the idea of you being a seated officer…"

"Well, that changed."

"Just like that?"

"Yeah…just like that. He just said that I can't stay out of trouble anyway and that better I get into trouble doing something respectable than something frivolous."

I chuckle.

"Sounds great to me. Come on!"

We flash step to the meeting.

We enter the meeting room and sit down as the first division vice captain calls the meeting to order and reads over the head captain's latest orders. I tune out except to listen and applaud as Rukia is announced Squad Thirteen vice captain…and I note a few things to tell my captain upon my return. When the meeting is over, Rukia hugs me, and flash steps towards the thirteenth division, while I turn back towards the sixth.

So…ban kai training…that could be fun. Of course, if I had my way, I'd wrap that skeletal snake around the two of us, burn our clothes away with a kido spell and dive on that beautiful body of his. Aw, I've got to stop thinking like this! Face it. I can't even come up with a way to tell him. Speechless stupid…

"Welcome back, Abarai," Byakuya says as I enter the office, "How was your meeting?"

"Oh, can't complain. They introduced Rukia as the new vice captain of Squad Thirteen."

"Yes," Byakuya answers, sounding less than pleased, "It only seemed right. She does deserve the recognition."

He sits down in his chair.

"Still, it wasn't easy to do…"

He doesn't often open up and say things like that. I wonder why he did just now…

"Yeah. I know you worry about her."

"She is my sister."

"And you made a promise to protect her, I know, Captain."


Byakuya leans forward, mentally dismissing me and turning to his work. I go back to my desk and spend the rest of the afternoon trying not to look at Byakuya. But even though I try to turn my eyes away, I can't help but notice things about my captain…the black silky hair that looks like it wants to be freed from the kenseiken, the ginpaku kazahana no uzuginu that hides much of the lovely pale throat…the graceful hands partially covered with fingerless gloves.

I clear my throat nervously and realize I'm blushing. I look down at my work, just missing my captain's eyes as he looks up. I'm grateful for the fact that he is sitting at his desk so that the erection that always seems to appear when I'm with my captain after time away from him isn't completely obvious to him.

If we were lovers, I would…

Byakuya sits quietly at his desk, poring over the reports that cover his desk in neatly stacked piles. He looks content there, everything neat and orderly around him. But as he studies the paper he holds with deeply focused eyes, a pair of arms wrap around him from behind and warm lips brush against his throat. Byakuya closes his eyes and moans softly with desire. The sound ignites the coil deep inside me and nearly makes me growl in anticipation. I turn my captain's chair and place my hands on Byakuya's shoulders, then slide onto his lap, smiling and letting our hakama covered, hardened members rub together as I meet his surprised mouth for an exchange of hot, delicious kisses.

"Mmmmmmm…Abarai…" Byakuya moans, his hands moving to loosen our clothing. I lift myself slightly as the hakamas are pushed out of the way and then I reclaim my position on my captain's lap, moving my hips and rubbing our cocks together as I fasten my mouth on Byakuya's and thrust my tongue inside.

"Are you finished, Abarai?" Byakuya asks, dragging me back to reality and nearly making me groan.

Not fucking close, Captain…I was just getting started.

"Aw…I just can't seem to make a dent in this shit!" I complain.

Then, I blush.

"Sorry Captain, it's just…"

Byakuya sighs.

"Your reiatsu has been disturbed all day, Renji. And since the paperwork is not finished, we shall have to postpone ban kai training. But we won't finish the paperwork until you get this off your chest. So…out with it. What is bothering you?"

I love you…

I want to kiss you…

I want to go to bed with you…

"Ah," I say finally, "It's just that I'm not looking forward to going back to my cold apartment."

"Oh," says Byakuya, "Perhaps you need merely find another way to warm it."

If you only knew, Captain…

"Or alternatively, you could remain here."

Yeah…great…not as cold, just as alone…

"I will be staying in my quarters here while Kuchiki Manor is undergoing some renovation to prepare for the royal visit during the cherry blossom viewing."

Whoa…hold on…

No way…

No freaking way!

"Ah well, maybe you have a point. I can just stay here."

And have to survive a nightlong hard on…but it could be worth it.

Yeah, it could definitely be worth it…

Dreamy stupid…