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Firewhiskey Fic: I Don't Carrot All!

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"'Hey, Fred', I said. It didn't make sense cuz my mouth was full of toothpaste."

"George, we are the only ones here in the flat. We don't keep to keep saying each others names. And move over, I enned need to spit."

"I know WE don't, Fred, but we need to be sure that anoyne anyone reading or watching us would will be able to determione who is sleapking. Speaking. You digh?"


"Oh yeah, I forgot about our adoring fans! I hope they get my good side."

"At least you have two of them to choise from. I have one good side and one holy side. Which one do you thiunk gets me laid more often?"

"I think your big dick is what get's you laid, bro."

"Too right! you are just saying that because we are identiudcal."

"Well, Yeah. Duh. Anyway, what the fiuck are we going to do in the shop to propmloe to Promote the Woncerful Holiday that is Easter?"

"Fuck if I know. I'm not even sure what is't all about. I just know that Hogwarts closes for two weeks. And we get a shitload of rabbit droppings that LOOK like eggs but are REALLY shit."

"Um... no, they are chocoloate, George."

"No, they aren't, I've eatcn them plently of times. They always takste shitty to mee."

"Oh yeah, That's cus I always traded yours out for real rabbit drippings.. Duh."

"You dick!"

"With a foreskin!"

"ANYWAY. Lets' put our hgeads together and come up with an idea for Easter. We need to attract kids to the storyew. Now that it is Post-War, all the parents who feel so grateful to be alive are buyng their children whatever they want. We can charge outaarageous prices, keep the shelf stock low, and create high demand through clever product placement, and rake in the dough!"

"... whoa, George. You really are the more business-like twin, aren't yaq."

"You bet yer arse. Let's get to work."

So, the twins thought about Easter and the little they knew about it here in the wizarding world. They knew Muggles celebrated it too, so they decided to do some reconnaisance and see what the Muggles had in their shops. Easter was only 2 week aga away after all.

*several days later*

"Okay. I know what to do, Gred."

"Let me guess. We need the Ewarer um. The Easert Bunny to come ro to the shoipp."

"... no, I was thinking we needed some hot chicks to hang out for the wek."

"More than we usually have?"

"Yeah, well, I don't like to share."

"Good point. I think the Easter Bunny would be better, though, as it will get the kids with parents in and guolt them into buying."

"Good idea. Lets get Mundungus Flethger. He's a little sod, about babbit size, and he will jump at the chance for some easy Galleons."

"Bang on, mate. Let's do it."

So, they hired Mundungus Fletcher to be their WWW Easter Bunny. They bought hima pink fuzzy suit, comeplete with enormous head to wear, and gave him a huge basket that they said would hold free samples of their new Easter prodict: Weasleys' Wonderful Colorful Weaster Eggs, 'Their thick candy shells are unbreakable- guraanteed!"

So it all went well for a day or two, with the kids sitting in the Bunny's lap anbd getting their free Egg sample (and asking their montser mothers and fatehrs to buy them a fyull dozen because they wanted the whole set). The only complaint was that the Bunny did stink rather badly of cigarettes and wee. He complained that the little shits widdled on his knee. Fred and George ignored his complaints. Mundungus had ALWAYS smelled of cigarettes and wee.

However, when a group of little kids went into a fit of hysterics outside of the WWW Shop two days before Easter, the twins ran to investigate.

There, they found the Bunny SANS HEAD, smoking a stogie.

Kids were crying, kids were vomiting, kids were screaming. Parents were livid and were demanding refuntds and free payment for counseling for their kids.

Fred left George in charnge of Damange Control (and because he was better with Obliviating spells) and ran over to Mundungus/Bunny.

"You fecking arsehgiole! We told you to never take your head off around the kiddos! Your'e fired!"

"Foine!" shrieked Bundungus. "You didn't treat me any better than a house Elf, anywaqy!" He threw tthe basket of Egg samples at Fred and stormed off. Fred cast a spell at him to Accio the Bunny suit. Imaginge his surprise when the suit came flying back to him and left a NAKED MUNDUNGUS standing in the middle of Diagon Alley.

"GROOS! Mung, you wore this NAKED?" UGH!"

Mung gave him the two fingers saluete and Disapparated before the Aurors could catch up to him.

Damn it. "Now we need a new Bunny. GEORGE!"

*back in the shop, parents placated with ignoramus charms*

"George, we need a new Bunny. It's just for a few days."

"How about ... hey, How about Cormac McLaggen? He's been bumming around the Alley for a while ever siche he didn't make Keeper for hte Kestrels. Let's bring him in."

"Okay, but he's going to want a hot chick around, to keep his mind occupied. How about Hermione? We know he had the hots for her in school. She could be the Bunny's Helper, or some sort of shallow shit like that."

"Great. I bet sh'es smokiing hot in a little bunny suit. With a little white tail... mmm mmmm mmmMMM!"

"Hamnds opff the help, you'll hagve to wait til after the holiday."

"You are right, Fred. The bsiness comes first."


While sitting in the back office eating their liunches, Grorge and Fred were talking.

"Yay, George! Cormac is an excellent Bunny! The lkids love him and he likes the attention! What a great choice!"

"I think Hermione as the Helper was the icing on the cake, though. Or the dye on the Easter Egg. She's really kept tihngs moving along and organized, Cormac loves oggling her boobies, and the fathers love her arse."

"Hell, WE love her arse. She's fecking HOT in that little suit. I toild you."

"Hey... what's all that screaming in the shop?"

"Ah, damn it. Another Crisis. Why the hell do we keep Verity around, anyway?"

"Cuze she also has a cute arse?"

"Oh yeah. Right."

The twins ran out through the office door into the main room of the shop. They were faced with a scene straight out of "Fucking Like Bunnies, Part XXX".

There on the dais where the Easter Bunny Meadow had been laid out, The Easter Bunny was getting laid. Oh, he was still in costume, but Hermione the Helper was bent over, arse end up, and the Bunny was plungiung his big pink Carrot into her Easter Keister's Hole of Heaven.

Children were confused. Parents were shocked and outraged. Correction, Mothers were outraged, Fathers were palming their erections through their wizard robes. Everyone was making noise, whether it be questions, screaming, or groaning. The loudest noises of all were coming from the King and Queen of Spring, fucking each other to big, sticky orgazms on the dais.

*the day after Easter*

"Okay. W'eve paid off the mothers because of the show. The fathers have paid us in thanks for the show, and the children were happy to get the stupid indestructible Eggs. What have we learned?"

"Aside from the fact that Hermione was horney enough to fuck Cormac, and that she has a very cute mole on her right hip?"

"Yes, aside from that."

"We keep the store closed on Easter next year?"

"Hell, YES."