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Kittens are a Life or Death Matter

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“Oh man Derek is going to kill me, there’s gonna be teeth everywhere, and lots of blood, and flying limbs, but it’s going to be so worth it. Yes it is, cause you are so cute.” Stiles grinned, making adorable kissy noises at the full box.  

The box filled with the cutest mewling kittens the world has ever seen. And they were all Stiles’s babies. They were awesome and cool, and he was going to train them to be ninja death kittens able to fend off werewolves and kanimas and any other freaky thing that wanted to eat him.

Unless Lydia changed her mind about eating him. Stiles figured that would be okay.

Lydia was hot when she was pissy and hungry. She had very shiny teeth.

“And Scott’s going to have a heart attack when he finds out.” Stiles picked up the crabby black kitten, who was totally going to be named Derek DeFluffikins with that scowl and fluffy baby fur, rubbing noses as the little boy cat growled. 

Stiles melted, lips wobbling at the sheer lethal cuteness, they were so friggen cute. 

Derek DeFluffikins was set down, ooh DDF totally secret kitten acronyms, to snuggle with his siblings. The other two kittens were both grey tigers, Stiles’s was pretty sure all three were boys but it was hard to tell. And would be really embarrassing if Derek turned out to be a girl. 

“Okay, um I need to get stuff for you guys. Lots of stuff.” Stiles scratched his short hair. “I need to make a list. Uh... litter, food, beds, toys. Oh man and something nice for dad so he doesn’t freak out.” Stiles glanced at the door. “Really nice.”

Okay so he hadn’t asked his dad about getting kittens, ever, but really how could he just leave them there? Abandoned on the side of the road all alone, only someone really heartless would do that.

His phone started beeping in the middle of his list making. Oh crap.

Dude. Pak meetn n 10 mints. Wre r u?

Stiles winced at Scott’s message. Not only did the spelling make him cringe, but yeah he was supposed to be there for that. Another reason for Derek to rip his throat out.

A sideways glance to the kittens showed three sets of glaring eyes. But first!

Kittens were shoved into the bathroom tub, with lots of towels and cushions stolen from the couch, with milk, water, and some baby food he had from a left over experiment.

Baby food, his good socks, and homemade rockets. Don’t ask.

He and Scott had been grounded for months

“Okay guys, I’ll be back soon, just gotta go deal with Sour wolf and the gang. Then real food, stuff, and cuddling! We can have so much cuddling, you guys probably need extra from being left alone. It really sucks, doesn’t it? I hate being left alone.” Sadness crossed Stiles face. “But! I promise I’ll be back soon.”

He rushed out of the bathroom, peeking back around the door a second later. 

“You know, unless Derek really does kill me, in which case dad will totally feel guilty and take care of you guys. Or Scott might.”

His phone started beeping again, sounding irritated, and Stiles ran for the jeep. 

Ten, ish, minutes later Stiles was pulling up outside the almost newish looking Hale house. Only Derek was missing from the greeting party outside. Small favors.

“Dude! Where have you been?!” Scott loped up to the jeep as Stiles half fell out.

Allison was still out on a ‘hunting trip’ with her dad, which would explain Scott’s current amount of best friend concern. 

“Sorry,” Stiles rolled his eyes, shrugging. “I have a life you know, one outside of the wolfyness.”

“Derek’s pissed, he said we couldn’t start without the whole pack.” Scott glanced back at the house, knowing like Stiles Derek was well aware that the human had finally arrived.

And as nice as being pack made Stiles feel, oh shit. There went Scott’s frowny/hard in thought face. The one that made Stiles want to wince in pain every  time he saw it.

“Dude.” Scott leaned closer.

Damn werewolf lack of personal space issues. Stiles made a note to lecture his best friend about that in the future. 

“Why do you smell like cats?” And Scott looked so confused it was almost as adorable as Stiles’s new kittens. 

The rest of the Pack perked, it’s not like anyone other than Stiles couldn’t hear whispers, and moved forwards to surround their lone human. The same one who was putting his hands up to push at nosy werewolfs, and lizard thing, before they smushed him against his lovely jeep.

“Hey stop with the noses already!” Stiles rolled his eyes and shoved at Jackson’s chiseled jaw. “I might have been petting a few cats. Nothing to worry about.” 

“Man. You reek of cats.” Jackson sneered.

“Stiles. You’re a terrible liar.” Lydia shoved the boys aside, delicate pixie nose wrinkled as she took in the new smell. “Cats? Really?”

“Oh Lydia uh.. You look gorgeous today! I’ve never seen anyone rock mens jogging gear like you!” Stiles eyes squeezed shut, self preservation from Lydia’s death glare, and pressed closer to his jeep. “Cats? Really, no clue what you’re talking about.”

“You already admitted it!” Scott grabbed at his hair, giving the looming house shifty looks, really his confusion was cute. No wonder Allison stuck with him past the crappy excuses.

“Maybe Derek wont notice.” Isaac offered weakly, hand covering his wrinkled nose. “It’s not that strong...”

The rest of the pack stared at him in disgust. Except for Stiles. Stiles gave him his proud smile.

“Maybe if we pee on him.” Erica returned.

“Eww!” Lydia’s hands went to her hips as she glared down the other girl. “I am not peeing on anyone.”

“Nah, we can just watch as Derek eats dumbass.” Jackson grinned. “Way to go. I didn’t think you’d ever piss him off enough.”

“Hey! That is not helpful!” Stiles pouted as he craned his head. “He’s not going to kill me.” 

The pack gave him varying looks of disbelief, backing away a few steps as the door to the creepy house opened. 

Stiles wondered if bringing Derek DeFluffikins would have distracted the big bad wolf with his cuteness. 

The pack parted, like the bunch of chickens they were, as Derek stalked towards Stiles.


“Sour wolf.”

Stiles gulped as the Alpha’s eyes glowed red and he visibly sniffed.

“I can explain! They were on the side of the road, all left alone and scared, I couldn’t just leave them there! And they’re so cute! You guys will love them! I’m keeping them by the way, and you can’t stop me even if you try to eat me, cause I love them! And Derek DeFluffikins is the cutest ever, he growls just like his daddy wolf and-”

Stiles clapped both hands over his mouth. 

Scotts’s eyes were huge as his mouth dropped open.

Derek stopped, just stopped, red glow dropping away from his eyes.

“Shut up.”

“Dude, already shutting up.” Stiles squeaked, covering his mouth again.

The pack backed away a bit further, Scott at least looked like he was going to miss his best friend, all looking like they were waiting for the blood bath.

Derek’s fist collided with the metal door next to Stiles’s face.

“Say that again.”

“Uh, which part? Cause there was a lot, you know how I ramble when I get nervous and yeah I’ve had a lot of adderal today, it was one of those days and you’re acting really mad right-”

The metal screeched, as Derek’s fist pushed in deeper, in time with the very Alpha sounding growl of approaching death.

“You. Know. What.” 

“Is this like the time where you gave me a concussion for getting you to strip for Danny?” Everyone ignored Jackson’s sniggered laughter. “Cause both are totally for good causes.”


“Okay! Those are really sharp teeth! I bet you could chew through metal with those.” Stiles whimpered, the aforementioned teeth pressing against his bared neck, the growl shaking his bones. “I might’ve called my favorite kitten Derek DeFluffikins, but he’s so cute, and he growls just like you!”

“Shut up.” Derek’s hand covered Stiles’s mouth for added effect, and no way was Stiles going to try licking it to find out what would happen, closing his eyes in pain.

Stiles gave Derek a lot of headaches.

“You got cats.” The growl vibrated the jeeps windows. “And you named one of them after me.”

“Mmmmff” Stiles rolled his eyes as Derek left his hand in place.

“No talking. Cats. You’re in a wolf pack.”

Stiles nodded his head into Derek’s palm, helpfully holding up three fingers.

Derek’s eyes were glowing red again.