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Schrödinger's Cat Is Stanyan For Short

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“HEY, GRUNKLE STAN! Do you have a minute?”


“Mabel, why are you screaming, I’m right in front of you.”


“Sorry, Grunkle Stan.” Whispers, “Do you have a minute?”


Sighs. “Yea, kid, what is it?”


“I made something this morning and I wanted you to try it out.”


“... Okay, what is it? And why didn’t you ask your brother to try it?”


“’Cuz Dipper’s busy stalking Grunkle Ford.” A pout.


Internally cursing. “Fine. I’ll try it. But it better not involve any more glitter or sequins. I’ve still got some up my a- I mean, stuck to my pants from last time.”


An ecstatic grin. “Trust me, it’s even better than glitter!”



Ford is telling Dipper about that one dimension he’d once gotten stuck in that had monsters with an extra pair of arms attached to where their ears should be when he hears a peculiar, hoarse mewl that echoes down the basement steps. He thinks he’s hearing things again, but then Dipper’s brows furrow in confusion before his great-nephew asks, “Does Grunkle Stan have a cat we don’t know about?”


Ford frowns and they both looked up at the stairs before nodding together in agreement and decide to investigate the weird noise.


The sight that greets them in the living room is something Ford could never have imagined in his wildest dreams.


Stanley is crouched on the beaten up sofa and licking the back of his right hand with a focus Ford’s never seen on him before and if that wasn’t weird enough, he had freaking cat ears on his head. Perky little triangular things that had grey tufts of fur that matched Stanley’s hair colour perfectly.


Stanley looks up for a brief moment to glance at Ford and Dipper frozen in the doorway, but he quickly dismisses them and goes back to licking his hand, occasionally running it down the side of his face as if he was actually grooming himself like a cat.


“Grunkle Stan?” Dipper says cautiously, breaking the silence.


Stanley doesn’t acknowledge him, and instead, Mabel appears, seemingly out of nowhere, with an excited look on her face.


“I am a genius!” she declares, grinning from ear to ear.


“Mabel, what did you do to Grunkle Stan?” Dipper asks his sister warily.


“Relax, Dipper, Grunkle Stan knew what he was getting into,” Mabel says, waving off Dipper’s concern. “Besides, it’s nothing permanent.”


She takes a step to the side and waves her arm with a flourish. “I present to you; Stanyan!”


Ford and Dipper looked down to see a tiny kitten sitting on the floor next to Mable, a common tabby that was casually licking its paw and ignoring everyone completely. It was brown and orange, and wearing a collar that had a familiar looking tie attached to it...


“The mind-control tie?!” Ford shouts, half-amazed and half kind of slightly disturbed that the sweet little girl he’d thought his niece was could come up with such an idea.


“The mind-control tie!” Mabel agrees, giggling. “I thought Grunkle Stan needed to relax more, and I found this little guy wandering around alone in the woods, so I thought, why not, right?” She looks at Stanley with the self-satisfied air of someone who had stopped world hunger. “Look at him; he’s so cute and happy!”


Ford doesn’t know what to say to that and he’s saved the trouble of having to think of something when Stanley chooses that moment to meow. Or, well, the kitten meows, and Stanley echoes it perfectly in sync. Both he and the cat are now looking up at Mabel, and the kitten suddenly slinks over to Ford’s legs and starts brushing its side against him. Ford’s completely unprepared when Stanley quickly follows suit, and Ford jumps as Stanley’s larger body presses against his right leg.


The kitten hisses at him for moving so abruptly, and of course, Stanley does, too. Ford freezes, not wanting to hurt either the kitten or his brother, and they both resume rubbing themselves against him. His face flushes dark at the sight of Stanley on his hands and knees and nosing against his leg, and he curses internally as he feels the familiar tingle of desire stirring in his pants.


This was so inappropriate on so many levels.


“OH MY GOSH, THAT IS ADORABLE!” Mabel squeals, hands pressed together in front of her. “You two are getting along so well!”


Dipper, meanwhile, is staring up at Ford with a worried look on his face. “Uncle Ford, are you okay?”


Ford coughs into his hand and tries hard to fight down his blush. “Uh, yes, Dipper, there’s no need for concern. I’m fine.” Stanley brushes a bit to close to his crotch and Ford quickly reaches down to grab the back of his collar and hold him in place. Stanley blinks up at him innocently and Ford maybe chokes a bit on air. “Absolutely,” he says to Dipper, praying to any and every God in the multiverse that his voice doesn’t betray his lust.


Dipper is not at all reassured, but Mabel, bless her, grabs his hand and starts dragging him out of the room.


“C’mon, Dipper,” she’s saying, “Let the Grunkles have some time together!”


“But Mabel-”


“Besides, I think I saw a weird monster behind the shack when I found the kitten, too.”


“-Monster, you say?”


“Knew that’d get your attention!”


They’re gone before Ford can blink and just like that, it was just him and Stanley in the room.




And the kitten.


Ford looks down at his brother and the kitten, both of whom were now settled on his boots, comfortably resting their heads on their paws- hands. Hands.


Ford knows the sensible thing to do now was to take the mind-control tie off of the cat, and let Stanley realize what Mabel had done to him and potentially start another fight between them. It’s not only sensible, it’s the right thing to do.


But if there’s anything Ford’s learned in the thirty years he’s been trapped between dimensions, it’s that you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.


So instead of being sensible, Ford bends and pulls Stanley up by the back of his collar, making him meow discontentedly at him. Stanley glares at him, and it’s amazing that there’s not a single trace of humanity in his brother’s eyes, yet Stanley’s still somehow Stanley. His brother. His twin.


What Ford’s about to do is wrong in every sense of the word, but just the very thought sends another pang of desire shooting through his gut.


He hasn’t failed to notice that Stanley’s stopped mirroring the kitten and wonders if it’s because the tie’s worn by a non-sentient being, giving Stanley’s human brain more freedom to react independently to external stimuli, but still within the constraints and limitations that came with the capabilities of a cat’s brain. He makes a mental note to experiment further on this, but for now...


Ford sits on his bed and pulls Stanley down with him, pressing on his shoulders so that he’s kneeling on the bed between Ford’s spread legs.


Ford runs a hand gently over Stanley’s head and cards his fingers through his hair, scratching behind his ears. His actual ears, not the fake cat ears Mabel had made him, but Ford does appreciate the aesthetics. They do make his brother look cute; less the gruff, angry old man that he usually likes to show to the world.


Stanley calms at his touch and sighs contentedly, leaning his head forward for more. Ford grins and obliges, using both hands to cup Stanley’s head on either side as his thumbs graze at the line of skin between the back of his ears and his hair. Stanley actually starts purring at that and Ford grunts as his dick twitches, licking his lips. Stanley’s eyes are half-lidded and his hands are gripping Ford’s knees lightly.


Ford can’t take it any more and pulls his brother’s face closer as he leans down to kiss his forehead, his cheeks, his nose. He stops when he nears Stanley’s lips, but when he chances a glance into Stanley’s eyes, he swears he sees his brother in there somewhere, not just the blankness of a domesticated animal.


Stanley meows softly against his lips and Ford goes for it, swallowing the sound greedily. Stanley’s hands fly up to rest against his shoulders, and Ford wastes no time to explore Stanley’s hot cavern with his tongue. God, he misses this so much.


He ignores the guilt and self-loathing that he normally feels any time his mind wanders to these activities that he desperately wants to enjoy with Stanley, and tries to lose himself in the pleasure of his brother’s mouth instead, licking and tasting and just taking anything that he can. While he can.


When Stanley starts pushing weakly against his shoulders, Ford breaks the kiss, panting as Stanley tries to move away from him. Ford’s hands on his head tighten slightly until Stanley’s meowing weakly as he struggles and Ford makes shushing sounds, not quite sure what’s spooked Stanley all of a sudden.


“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” he whispers, trying to look into Stanley’s eyes. “What’s gotten into you?”


Stanley, of course, doesn’t answer, just keeps trying to get away and Ford uses one hand to grab at his crotch, relieved to find that his brother is just as hard as he is. Stanley mewls loud and high at his touch and stops struggling, closing his knees together as his face flushes red. Ford’s hand is trapped between his thighs and he gropes at Stanley’s balls, running his fingers over the tent in Stanley’s pants.


Stanley squirms and meows again, shaking his head. Ford pulls his head down and presses Stanley’s face against his own crotch, gasping at the contact.


“See what you’ve done to me, Stanley?” Ford murmurs, hips bucking up.


Stanley mewls, eyes scrunched up. Ford lets go of his head to quickly undo the button of his pants and pull down the zipper, pushing down the band of his boxers to free his hard cock.


Stanley stares at it with wide eyes, but doesn’t show any sort of fear or apprehension. Ford grabs the base of his own erection and pumps it, once, pointing it up at Stanley’s face.


“Lick it,” he urges, trying to sound inviting. “Go on, taste it, Stanley. It’s a treat, just for you.”


Stanley looks up at him briefly, obviously not understanding a word he’s saying, but he does lean closer to Ford. He’s close enough that his hot breaths brush against Ford’s aching dick and Ford can’t take it any more; he grabs the back of Stanley’s head and presses him to his cock, and Stanley’s shocked enough that his mouth is half-open, falling onto Ford perfectly.


Ford moans loudly as wetness encases him and his hips buck instinctively, making Stanley choke as Ford shoves in too deep, too fast. Stanley’s hands scrabble helplessly all over Ford’s knees and thighs and Ford comes back to himself enough to pull back a bit. Just a bit. He stays inside Stanley’s mouth, though, and he’s thankful Stanley’s not biting. When he’s sure he’s not going to mindlessly choke Stanley on his dick, Ford pushes in again, slowly, savouring the pleasure of Stanley’s mouth.


Stanley isn’t human enough to know how to give head, but Ford doesn’t even care. The sight of Stanley’s lips stretched taut around his length is beautiful enough, and Ford can’t help but love seeing his brother’s eyes tearing up and his cheeks flushing deeper. He pulls back and thrusts in again, delighting in the grunts coming from him, and his hand clutches tight at the hair on the back of Stanley’s head.


“Aaah,” he moans, “That’s it, Stanley, that’s good... Just keep, ngh... Yes...”


He realizes belatedly that his other hand is still trapped between Stanley’s legs and quickly makes up for it by gripping Stanley’s cloth-covered erection. Stanley moans at his touch and Ford joins him as the action sends pleasurable vibrations up the length of his cock in Stanley’s mouth. Ford starts fondling him in earnest and Stanley seems to catch on that he’s supposed to suck, and soon, they’re both a grunting, sweating mess on the bed.


When Ford feels a familiar tightening in his balls, he quickly halts Stanley and pulls out, secretly pleased with himself when Stanley mewls desperately at the loss of his dick in his mouth. Stanley tries to follow him to suck his cock back in, but Ford holds him back by his hair and frees his other hand from between Stanley’s thighs. Stanley’s face is miserable, and that’s just what Ford needs as he pulls Stanley’s head back and comes all over his blushing, tear-stained face.


Stanley mewls, lashes fluttering as he blinks against the thick strands of cum that rains over his face. He stares at Ford in confusion while Ford, panting, collapses onto his back on the bed.


He hears Stanley meow and looks up to see his brother wiping his face clean with the back of his hand and licking the cum off, just like he’d done upstairs. The sight makes Ford grimace, but its does save him the trouble of cleaning his brother up himself. Once he’s done cleaning, Stanley yawns and crawls over to Ford, poking his nose into his side insistently. Ford sees the stain on Stanley’s crotch and laughs a little.


“You came from sucking me off,” he said aloud, and the fact gives him such a thrill, Ford hates himself for it.


Stanley meows quietly and plops onto the bed next to Ford, nuzzling his shoulder. Ford sighs and raises his arm so that Stanley can lie his head on his chest, curling up into his side. Ford runs his hand through Stanley’s hair again and stares tiredly up at the ceiling of the basement, suddenly feeling drained and exhausted.




Ford wakes up later that evening alone.


He’s disoriented and muddled, and it takes a while for him to notice that his dick is still hanging out of his pants. He quickly fixes himself up and scrambles upstairs, wondering what had happened after he’d passed out.


Had Stanley noticed his state of undress, if he’d woken up after no longer being mind-controlled by a cat? Hell, had the kids? What if they’d come downstairs while he was still sleeping and had seen what he’d done to their beloved Grunkle? He felt so stupid for being so careless and he’s still mentally berating himself as he emerges from the basement’s secret entrance and hears Stanley’s familiar voice talking, not meowing, and telling one of his stupid jokes.


“So the nurse pops the boil and the doctor tells her that it’s the wrong patient!” Stanley finishes, laughing uncontrollably.


Ford enters slowly to see Mabel frowning, obviously not understanding the punchline, while Dipper is rolling his eyes, but still smiling wryly.


Dipper’s the first to notice Ford’s presence and he brightens up immediately.


“Great Uncle Ford!” he greets, bouncing his knee excitedly. “You’re awake! You wouldn’t believe what Mabel and I found this morning in the woods out back!”


Ford awkwardly stands in the middle of the kitchen doorway as Stanley’s eyes meet his. Stanley gives nothing away, and there’s no indication at all that he was aware of what Ford had done to him while being mind-controlled by a cat. But Ford can’t shake off the uneasy feeling that he’d been caught somehow, and it doesn’t ease even when Stanley casually stands to clear the plates on the table and says, “Yeah, Ford, glad you’ve rejoined the world of the living. You were dead to us for a while, there, Poindexter, Mabel was starting to get worried.”


Mabel looks at Ford cautiously and seems to be looking him over for signs of something. “Yeah, actually, we didn’t believe Grunkle Stan when he said you’d fallen asleep after having a ‘long talk’ with him,” she says, air quotes and all.


Ford chuckles stiffly and says, “Oh, yes, that’s right. I was just tired after, um, talking.” He glances at Stanley, whose back is to them, and looks back at Mabel, who continues rambling.


“I mean, he wouldn’t let us take a look at you to make sure you were still alive and all,” Ford’s brows rise high up his forehead at that, “’cuz he said we’d be disturbing you, but we were still worried, especially when we found Stanyan outside without the tie on any more, and we’d left you guys all alone, too-”


There it was.


Ford gapes at Mabel and splutters, “Wait, what, you found what?”


Mabel pauses and shrugs. “We found Stanyan outside a few minutes after we’d left the house, but we were kind of in the middle of fighting off a weird goat slash bird slash raccoon monster that we’d found, so we couldn’t come back right away to check up on you guys and make sure you weren’t fighting again.”


Ford feels his stomach drop to the ground and literally freezes, not quite sure he believes what he’s hearing.


“You found the cat without the tie on,” he says faintly and Mabel nods, saying, “Yep, that’s right.” She laughs sheepishly. “I guess I didn’t consider the kitten being able to tear it off with its claws, haha.”


Ford can’t breathe, can’t move, and it hurts like a physical blow when Stanley gruffly says to Mabel, “Serves you right for messing around with one of Ford’s stupid inventions. No glitter for a week still stands, kid.”


Mabel pouts and boos at him while Dipper laughs at his sister’s punishment.


Ford doesn’t hear anything else as his vision tunnels and he’s barely breathing as he spins on his heels and just flees. He doesn’t know where he’s going until he stops and realizes he’s outside, in the woods. He can still see the tip of the Mystery Shack’s pointed roof so he knows he hasn’t wandered too far.


He jumps out of his skin when hears Stanley shout behind him, “STANFORD!”


Ford turns to see Stanley panting, hands over knees as he tries to catch his breath. Ford incredulously wonders if Stanley had run after him and flinches when Stanley straightens and gives him a glare that could melt steel.


“What were you thinking, running off like that?” Stanley hisses. “You scared the shit out of the kids, genius.”


“What do you want?” Ford demands and he knows it’s the wrong thing to say. It’s not what he’d meant to say, but he can’t control his mouth, just like he couldn’t control his lust before.


Stanley’s glare intensifies and he stomps closer to Ford, shoving at his shoulder.


“I want you to have the decency to at least not make the kids worry!” he shouts, fists clenched tight.


Ford blinks at him and covers his face with his hands, wishing the ground would just swallow him up.


“How can you even look at me?” he mutters disgustedly.


There’s silence in the air between them and Ford feels crushed. He didn’t know what he’d expected Stanley to say to that, but he didn’t think it would be nothing. Did he hate Ford as much as Ford hated himself?


Ford didn’t know if he even wanted to know.


“... I’m going to pretend nothing happened,” Stanley says quietly, after a while. “I didn’t want you to find out that I wasn’t a cat any more. I didn’t want you to know that I knew what you were doing.”


Ford’s shoulders shake as his heart breaks at Stanley’s words. He can’t bring himself to look at his brother and he just can’t take this terrible thing that’s hanging between them like a brick wall.


“It was a mistake, Ford,” Stanley says. “Let’s just forget about it.”


Ford hears Stanley walk away and when he finally drops his hands from his face, he can only see the faint outline of his brother’s back in the distance, steadily disappearing.


“Okay,” he says softly, miserably, and nothing answers him save for the wind.