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my heart upon my sleeve

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Athos de la Fere - athos@lafere.co.uk
Drafts

[3 Aug 20--, 21:13:32]
[To: "Aramis" (aramish@mail.com), "Porthos" (porthosduvallon@mail.com)]

can't sleep. thinking too much, i suppose. new flat's still too new. where does one find the motivation to unpack? would love some help. can provide beer maybe work will help. Treville's apparently found me a backstage job on a friend's show. nice not to have to worry about my face in lights maybe we could chat soon, I

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[5 Aug 20--, 23:09:11]
[To: Aramis, Porthos]

forgot how fucking lonely being single is. anne and i were fucking miserable at the end, but at least i wasn't alone in the flat and why the hell am i writing this it's not like you care or even liked her

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[6 Aug 20--, 13:53:22]
[To: Aramis]
Do you actually enjoy living in Los Angeles? are the earthquakes actually something that happens or is it blown out of proportion? do you make terrible jokes about the earth moving when it does oh nevermind this is actually the stupidest email ive ever written

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[7 Aug 20--, 04:11:54]
[To: Porthos]

was it hard being without aramis and i all these

having to start over without us

I'm sorry we left you all alone. I'm sorry you're still alone with me in the same city

fuck fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfu

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[7 Aug 20--, 04:33:17]
[To: "Treville" (j.treville@thegarrison.co.uk)]

being alone in flat is terrible. is couch in prop room still available for sad useless fucks to sleep on or will richelieu drain my blood in my sleep

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[9 Aug 20--, 02:54:38]
[To: Aramis]

you're so far away and I don't know how to talk to Porthos anymore, I can't even ask for something as easy as drinks. you were the one who taught me how to ask for things anyway and it seems I've forgotten and now i don't evne know how to send a text or apparently an email why the fuck even bother fuck fuckk

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[9 Aug 20--, 09:45:48]
[To: Porthos]

pints tonight?

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[9 Aug 20--, 23:41:01]
[To: athos@lafere.co.uk]

dear wanker please stop being a cowardly pathetic dog shit and send a fucking email to your best friends in the fucking world you fucking useless twat sincerely drunk tuesday you

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[10 Aug 20--, 03:08:12]
[To: Aramis]

you're a fucking tv star and im terrified your going to become a movie star you shouldnt all right its fucking terrible and youll marry someone who wants it too much and sh'ell run you into the ground until you dont know yourself please don't i don't know how to do this without you i don't want you to becme a miserable fucking useless drunk who doesn't know how to talk to his friends i couldn't bear it just please quit before its too late and come home

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[10 Aug 20--, 04:15:58]
[To: Porthos]

why can';t i talk to you anymore you snet me that text with the fuckin shakespeare bear and i cried laughing but didnt know how to ask you to come down the pub and this is fucking ridiculous i feel like im missing a limb without you but i dont know how to fix this five years is a long fuckin gtime and what if you dont like me anymore but are just too nice to say

i m sorry i was gone i wish i never had

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[11 Aug 20--, 14:47:21]
[To: Aramis, Porthos]

This is fucking ridiculous, isn't it? we knew everything about each other for years. they still talk about us at drama school as "the inseparables," for fuck's sake. we were closer than anyone had ever seen and now it's like we're fucking strangers and it's all my fault.

I got married and I went to be a fucking movie star. I didn't mean to stop talking to you, I swear to God, everything just turned into such a circus and I was a mess and I hated every second of it and got not married, and somehow you were still there for me during that, even though I'd missed so much of your lives. why did I still deserve it? why don't you hate me like i do

I don't understand any of this. I don't know why you gave me a second chance. I wish I weren't so sure I'm going to fuck it all up again. it's why I can't text. or call. or email. or do anything but the bare minimum of response so you don't think i ignore you when you reach out because you keep reaching out and I don't understand why

nothing is easy like it should be. Porthos, you're so close that it should be so easy to see you every day. how is it harder than getting fucking divorced to ask you for dinner? and Aramis, you're so far away, in California or New York or wherever you are right now that isn't here--it should be easy to just call or skype or something. but I can't do that either.

I miss you both like hell and I don't know how to talk to you anymore. I miss you so fucking much.

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