Russell had just finished another brilliant radio show. The best Radio Two has to offer, the best on the airwaves he thought.
As everyone else gathered their belongings and headed home he decided to hide in the toilets. He was usually the first to go, rushing off to his house or to Upton Park or wherever he was needed next. If he was in studio when everyone had gone it was with a girl, aged eighteen to death, of course. It was the only use for disabled toilets in his view. Today, however he felt he needed to reflect, alone in the darkness.
He stared himself out in the mirror for a while. He knew thousands of women and even men fancied him, thought he was perfect, sexiest vegetarian and all that but still he saw imperfections in his reflection.
When he was sure the studio (Wogan's studio) was empty he abandoned the toilets, he went and sat in the office chair.
Matt's seat, in front of the buttons. He played around with the controls, pretending he understood them like Matt did. In reality he couldn't do the show without Matt, he liked to think he was more experienced, more advanced, the leader of the two, being the oldest but it simply wasn't true.
He lost himself in pretending to be the radio DJ, pressing buttons and switching switches all over the control panel, he didn't even hear the door open and his friend swaggering in.
He put his hands on Russell's unexpecting shoulders, making him jump with fright.
“Ooh, you scared me, what you doing sneaking around in the dark?” Russell asked, putting on his Frank Spencer voice.
“What are you doing sitting in the dark, alone?” His friend replied in his no nonsense tone.
Russell didn't say a word, he couldn't expose his inner thoughts to someone like Noel. He'd just laugh. Alpha male, Northerners just don't have complex emotions like he did.
“Go on, what are you doing?” Noel repeated, rubbing Russell's shoulders.
“Why ain’t you at home with Sara and that kid you've done?” Russell asked in response.
“They're why I'm here.” Noel answered, gripping Russell's neck. “Saying Donovan is yours, ends now.”
“It was just a joke, you know it was, you laughed and joined in.” Russell said, getting nervous of him.
“I know and we all thought it was funny. Now he's born, it stops.” Noel growled in Russell's ear.
“You can't stop what the audience wants to hear. You just can’t.” Russell replied, doing his best to hide his fear.
Noel grabbed the collar of Russell's shirt, dragged him off the chair and onto his knees. If he wasn’t going to comply Noel was going to teach him a lesson. Russell didn't fight it, he knew Noel was stronger than him.
“Please don't do this.” Russell begged, he expected Noel would beat the shit out of him. “We all know he's yours, everyone gets it's a joke.”
Noel undid his belt, unbuttoned his jeans and let them fall to his knees.
Elsewhere Matt, Russell's co-host had gone food shopping at the local supermarket, thankful for late night opening times. Being Russell Brand's friend and co-worker didn't leave him much time in the day to look after himself. He got back to his car and headed home.
His car radio system picked up Radio 2, he could hear, he wasn't sure what he could hear. It definitely wasn't the normal, scheduled broadcast.
He could hear moaning and not much else but the sexual sounds coming from a deep male voice.
“Do it properly.” He heard a Mancunian instruct aggressively.
Matt slammed on his brakes, forcing his car to a stop. He knew that voice, it was Noel's. He had to get to the studio fast to stop the indecent act being heard by millions of unsuspecting listeners. He immediately speeded towards the BBC building, the studio where they'd been recording that day.
In the studio Noel had his hand lost in Russell's huge, backcombed hair. He grabbed a chunk of his hair, hurting Russell and encouraging him in satisfying his desire. Russell choked and gagged but Noel didn't care, he deserved it. Russell knew it was karmic punishment, not for taking the joke too far but for expecting it of every one of his female conquests.
Matt drove through the London traffic, even late at night it was busy, forcing him to listen to the transmission.
“Take off all those stupid fucking belts.” He heard Noel order.
“Please Noel, I've learnt my lesson.” Russell begged timidly. “Let's just go home now and forget this.”
Noel pushed everything off the desk, papers, stationery, even Matt's headphones. “Get them fucking off now.” He ordered again, still stood with his jeans and boxers down, ready to take it to the next level.
Russell did as he said, undoing belt after belt. It seemed to be taking forever. Noel impatiently pulled down Russell's women's black skinny jeans.
Matt parked his car and rushed up to the studio, he feared he couldn't curb the damage now.
He worried they were going to be sacked for this, in fact he was sure they could be arrested and actually go to prison. His mind raced. He had no idea what was going on as he raced to the studio since he no longer had access to the radio.
“We don't need to do this, we can just fight it out.” Russell objected, he knew Noel would just knock him out but still he tried hissing like a goose to get Noel to fight him.
He already had his jeans around his ankles, it was too late
“Shut up! Shut the fuck up!” Noel said, impatiently ripping Russell's toddler pants off, exposing Russell's arse.
Matt forced his way through the studio door, flicked on the lights and rushed over to the desk, switching off the power, stopping the broadcast. He looked at his co-hosts, speechless.
Noel was right in Russell's special back pocket. He looked at Matt with deer in the headlights eyes, as did Russell.
“The fuck are you doing, Matt?” Noel asked bluntly.
“Me and everyone else with Radio 2 have just been listening to this... Whatever this is.” Matt pointed out.
“Oh no! Not on the queen’s favourite radio station!” Russell exclaimed. “Matt, he... we've finally exposed it. Our Noely Noely is gay. He said it, didn't he?” Russell joked, he looked straight at the plain white wall as he had done from the moment he was put in this position, bent over the desk.
“I told you to shut up.” Noel said calmly before thrusting as aggressively as he could.
“Ooh you saucy devil, you get right in there.” Russell said, again putting on his effeminate tone to joke his way through the experience and to hide the pain.
There was something about that stupid voice that always got to Noel, this time there was no need to suppress his feelings. He didn't even care that Matt saw them and who knows how many people had listened to their accidental transmission. It was too late to care.
“I thought you only wanted me.” Matt said, hurt.
“What?” Russell said, that shocked him most.
“I do, course I do!” Noel insisted.
He left Russell, ignoring Russell and pulled up his boxers and jeans, turning his attention to Matt. “You’re my Wonderwall, you know you are. I came on every show for you, not for him.”
They passionately kissed like they always did in private. Russell watched, confused as hell as he pulled his own clothes back on, trying to act like nothing was bothering him.
“What about Sara?” Russell asked, not knowing what to say for once. “I thought you loved her more than anyone ever.
“Sara is my world but the truth is I like a few women but I like men an awful lot more, especially my Matt Morgan.” Noel explained before kissing Matt again.