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When He Sees It

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Hikaru is always watching Touya, but lately, he's really been looking.

It has come to Hikaru's attention that he is not twelve anymore, and neither is Touya. They are, in fact, nineteen, and somewhere along the way, Touya changed.

Or maybe it's Hikaru who has changed, but he can't help but think that there's something different about Touya. It could be the way his face has narrowed as he begins to leave his teenage years behind him. His hair is the same, hanging straight and perfect and looking like crisp silk, but it suits him better now, with the sharp grace of his jaw and the gentle slope of his neck.

Hikaru has spent years watching Touya's hands and Touya's eyes. Touya's fingers look like a pianist's now, long and deft. Hikaru might be tempted to say that Touya's eyes have never changed, but now that he thinks about it, that's not true - there's a softness there sometimes, a fondness that wasn't there when they were younger.

Somewhere along the way, Touya Akira became downright beautiful.


Hikaru isn't the only one who notices. Strangers on the train steal surreptitious glances at Touya. When Touya teaches clients, the girls stutter and stammer, and the older women smile at him in a way that Hikaru finds totally alarming. Men, too, sometimes let their gazes rest overlong. Ogata-sensei is one of the worst repeat offenders, although Hikaru isn't sure if he's just doing it in an attempt to unbalance Touya, or if he really does need to be chastised for his perverted ways.

Touya must be oblivious to continue to be so coolly polite to everyone who ogles him. Hikaru can't really figure it out. But that detached courtesy doesn't seem to dissuade people - if anything, it makes them want Touya more.

That calmness may be attractive, but Hikaru prefers its opposite, and is starting to go out of his way to provoke it. Even better than perfectly put-together Touya is a riled, impassioned Touya. And Hikaru takes a truly shameful amount of pride in the fact that Touya seems to be like that for him alone.


Touya doesn't really let people into his personal space, although he seems to make an exception for Hikaru. Of course, all concerns about personal space are null and void on the Yamanote Line between Shinjuku and Shibuya at rush hour. Hikaru is crammed against Touya's back in a way that's sort of uncomfortable, because Touya's bony hip is poking into Hikaru's stomach. Still, though, Hikaru can smell the aftershave that Touya uses, which totally does not smell the same way in the bottle as it does on Touya. Touya's body chemistry does something really fantastic to it, so much so that Hikaru has a really strong urge to just lean a little bit forward and bury his nose in the curve of Touya's neck, and just breathe him in.

If he just leaned forward, he could trace the line of Touya's neck with his tongue, maybe get acquainted with Touya's ears, which have always been veiled by the dark swing of his hair.

He feels Touya take in a breath, and then Touya's hand touches Hikaru's hip briefly, and he turns his head to say, "Next stop is ours." His lips are really dangerously close, and for one heart-pounding moment, Hikaru wonders what would happen if he just leaned forward and pressed their mouths together.

The train slows to a stop and the rush of the crowd disembarking pulls them apart. This is probably a good thing, although Hikaru's body definitely wants to veto the separation.


Touya is driving him crazy, and it's starting to show in his Go. He's making moves that make people stare at him in open -mouthed wonder, and they alternately call him "brilliant" and "insane." The intensity of his obsession with Touya is all mixed up with his Go, and maybe it always was, but this new craziness is only compounded by the fact that it also seems to be driving Touya up the wall. When Touya is particularly irate, his eyes sharpen, his cheeks flush, and he breathes a little heavier. In short, it's an image to hold on to for later, which just starts the process all over again.

Hikaru lies on his bed in his one-bedroom apartment, head turned into his pillow as he gets himself off. He imagines Touya's head tilted back, his teeth catching his lower lip. Hikaru imagines that his sighs are Touya's, and when he thinks of Touya moaning helplessly, his hips arch up sharply and he comes, hard.

He lies there for a moment, breathing hard, and then whispers Touya's given name, just to hear how it sounds. He wonders why no one else ever moved him like this, and wonders if it's always been Touya for him. Do other people feel this kind of hormonal desperation, and if so, do they feel it all the time?

The closest thing he's ever felt to this is his desire to play Go, but that's different. It's nothing like this panting obsession. Hikaru is nineteen years old, and he wants Touya so badly his teeth ache.


Hikaru knows that it isn't going to stay a secret much longer. He doesn't see how it can, not when he's nearly bursting at the seams with it.

The thing is, even though he wants Touya, he wants Touya. All of him. He wants Touya's rivalry, his consideration, his friendship, his kindness, his irritation, his persnicketyness, his bad fashion sense, everything. He wants to play a game together every morning before going out into the world, tutor together, and find out what the hell Touya has against ramen. Go and Touya are Hikaru's life, and he wants them both with a fervor that still takes him by surprise.

Hikaru thinks he ought to say something, but he's not sure what.

He watches Touya to see if anyone catches Touya's eye. But Touya is cool and collected, and Hikaru doesn't know what desire looks like on him, except in his imagination.


It is either start a fight, or jump Touya. So Hikaru starts a fight.

"That was lame," Hikaru says, pointing at the top right group.

"It was not lame, Shindou," Touya snaps. "It was a perfectly valid move. How was I supposed to know you were going to make that completely insane move six hands later, which no one in their right mind would have recommended?"

Arguments are good. Anything to distract from the fact that Touya has taken off his jacket, and his shirt today is some sort of light blue silk. Hikaru can totally see his nipples in the right light.

"It's not insane if I won," Hikaru says, leaning forward and deliberately smiling obnoxiously.

"It is too! It's so crazy that it looked like you weren't even paying attention to me!"

Now that was unfair. "I am too paying attention to you!"

"You were not! I don't know how you won when your eyes weren't even on the board, but -"

"I'm always paying attention to you! All the time! Even when you're not even with me, so don't you start saying -"

"-if you're going to play me, Shindou, you'd better be serious, and you'd better start paying attention!" Touya yells.

"I'd pay attention if you weren't wearing that stupid shirt!" Hikaru yells back.

Touya stops, and blinks. "My shirt?"

Hikaru snaps his jaw shut.

"Shindou," Touya says slowly, "What's wrong with my shirt?"

"Nothing!" Hikaru denies hastily. "Another game?"

"Shindou," Touya says again. He looks down at his shirt, his fingers smoothing along the line of buttons in a way that makes Hikaru gulp. It's just useless to run away from Touya - Hikaru knows that from endless games of Go. People who run from Touya only end up surrounded.

Hikaru looks up from Touya's shirt to his face, and it hits him all of a sudden.

This is what desire looks like on Touya. Touya is looking right at him, and all this time Hikaru had thought that Touya's look of predatory intent only had to do with Go, but if that is the case, then Hikaru didn't really see why Touya was deliberately shoving the goban out from between them.

"Touya?" Hikaru says, a little disbelieving, right before Touya cups his hand behind Hikaru's head and crushes their mouths together.

Touya has obviously never done this before, but it's not like Hikaru is that much better, unless you counted him kissing Akari when he was seven. Even still, the feeling is amazing, because it's all that intensity between them finally coalescing into physical form, and no matter how many times Hikaru imagined this, the reality trumps it all.

Hikaru finally, finally gets to take Touya's slightly pouty lower lip in between his teeth and nibble, like he's been thinking about doing for months now. Touya makes a kind of hitching gasp in response, and when Hikaru draws back, Touya chases after him. When they kiss this time, it's with Touya aggressively pushing his tongue into Hikaru's mouth, one arm wrapped around Hikaru's waist while his other hand keeps Hikaru's head pressed close. Hikaru feels impossible warm, and slightly dizzy with it all, because in his fantasies he had neglected to remember that Touya never had any problem with going on the offensive, and that he specialized in cutting off escape routes.

Which is probably how Hikaru finds himself on his back, with Touya on top. Touya's narrow hips are cradled between Hikaru's thighs, and suddenly all Hikaru can think of is that day on the train, pressed together like lovers in public. Months of desperation make Hikaru almost snarl as he struggles to rid Touya of that too-distracting shirt. Hikaru still has no idea what he's doing, but he thinks it can't be that complicated. If he gets Touya out of his clothes, that means that Hikaru can touch him, and he's wanted nothing more all this time.

Touya seems to be on the same page, because his hands are scrabbling at the button and zipper of Hikaru's jeans. Soon, their clothes are reasonably out of the way, although Hikaru's jeans are still tangled around his left foot, and Touya still has his socks on. It's not ideal, but it's really happening and he can still hardly believe it.

People say Touya is cold, so cold, but they have no idea how wrong they are. Touya's skin against his is almost feverish, and Hikaru chokes out a cry when Touya grinds against him. Hikaru touches Touya everywhere he can reach, his hands smoothing over Touya's sharp shoulder blade and down his spine, to cup the slight curve of his bottom. All he can hear are Touya's breathy moans in his ear, and his world has narrowed to the feeling of Touya moving sinuously against him.

Orgasm hits Hikaru relatively quickly, but this time, Hikaru is muffling his cry into Touya's shoulder, and not his pillow. Touya comes with a hoarse cry and declines to move afterward, and his weight is a rather comforting sign of reality.

Some time later, Hikaru is going to think, I am no longer a virgin. But what he's actually thinking right now is, Holy crap, I just had sex with Touya Akira.

Touya makes some sort of noise into Hikaru's neck.

"Akira?" Hikaru says, like he's been practicing alone for months now.

Touya pulls back slightly so that he can look Hikaru in the eye. "How long?" he asks bluntly.

Hikaru doesn't pretend to misunderstand. "Dunno," he says honestly. "Few months, six maybe. You?"

Touya nods after a moment. "Everyone kept staring at you," he confesses. "And at first I didn't know why, but when I started really looking at you, I couldn't turn away." Touya sounds slightly embarrassed by this, but Hikaru can relate.

"Akira?" Hikaru says again after they've been quiet for awhile.


"Do you think we could maybe move to the bed? I think there are Go stones digging into my back." Hikaru nearly thinks he could count them, although he hadn't noticed them at all when he and Touya were...occupied.

Touya looks a little mortified, but they manage to get into Hikaru's bed, and get all of their clothes off this time. "Hikaru."

Hikaru hadn't known his name could sound so nice.

" know, you're really quite handsome," Touya says, his words nearly tumbling over each other in his haste to get them out. Touya doesn't hand out compliments very often, but Hikaru loves him for trying.

"Nah," Hikaru says, running one finger along the smooth line of Touya's jaw, tilting it towards him. "I know beauty when I see it."