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Team Sburb 2 (The Most Creative Title EVER)

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A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, July 16th… bears no significance to him whatsoever. This young man is you. Your name is Scout Jemmings. You’re 17 years old and live in Boston, Massachusetts. You love nothing more than going fast. Speed is everything to you. You have seven older brothers, each dumber than the last. Well, other than your oldest one. He’s cool when he’s not busy hurling baseballs at you that you left in areas he dubs his territory. Together you all live in 3 large adjacent apartments that you share the rent for. Your mom lives a few miles away and your dad is usually on business trips, so you don’t see him much. You’re really good at baseball, partly because of your swiftness and partly because you carry the bat with you after you hit the ball and attack any opponent who dares to get near you. For some reason, every single damn umpire always makes unfair calls against you and kicks you out of the game. You aim to get into the Red Sox no matter what. Although you would never ever let anyone know about this, you have a severe fear of rainbows. You enjoy playing first person shooters with your friends, even though most of you tend to get a bit overly enthusiastic about it. You absolutely LOVE hats.


            You suddenly get the urge to inspect your room. Coating the walls are various posters of Red Sox legends. You give a bro-fist to Babe Ruth, hurting your knuckles in the process. That was kinda dumb. In the corner of your room is your awesome computer. It’s hella fast. It’s mostly for chatting with friends, playing games and shopping for random shit that catches your eye. You don’t ever look up baseball stats because who needs to once they’re all memorized? Okay, you made that up. You’re not some weirdo supergenius like some of those knuckleheads rivals friends you know. In another corner sits your soda collection. You love spending your money on weird, unheard of sodas that are rather unhealthy, and can often cause dangerous side effects. In another corner is the door to your room and in the last corner is… aww HELL no. One or more of your brothers left some Yankees shit with writing about how great they are right on your baseball card collection just to piss you off. Well, they succeeded but now they’re in a lot of fucking trouble. They better know to stay out of your sight for today. After tearing up the offending material, you go back to your chair and sit down, satisfied with the exploration of the room you already know. Okay, now what?

    Oh, well you guess that answers the question. Someone has been messaging you during your voyage of the residential room. Better check out what he has to say.

criticalUrine [CU] began pestering umpireAbsconder [UA]

CU: Oy.
CU: Scout.
CU: You there?
CU: Message me when you get back, k?

criticalUrine [CU] ceased pestering umpireAbsconder [UA]

umpireAbsconder [UA] began pestering criticalUrine [CU]

UA: oh hey
UA: whats up witchoo
CU: Good, you’re back.
CU: Listen, will you do a favor for me?
UA: hmmmmmmmmmmm......
UA: MMMMMMMMMMMMM......
UA: nah
CU: Can you cut out your little 4-year old behavior for just a moment and here me out?
UA: hmmmmmmmmmmm......
CU: Stop.
UA:MMMMMMMMMMMMM......
CU: No.
UA: alright
CU: K, thank you.
CU: So you heard of that new Suburb game or whatever it’s called?
UA: uhhh
UA: no
CU: Oh, bloody hell, I knew you’d be useless.
UA: no wait
UA: i think one of my brahs got it
UA: its logo is a green house puzzle or something right
CU: I really have no clue, I don’t bother with most games.
UA: ya
UA: youve said that so many times that i dont even waste my time talkin about most a them with you
UA: WANKER
CU: K, whatever. It sounds like you can probably get your hands on it which is good.
CU: The thing is, TU’s acting obsessed with the damn game and won’t leave me alone about playin it with him.
CU: I think it has something to do with building or architecture.
UA: pfft
UA: huuuge suprise
CU: I’m not interested, so will you humor him and play it? He won’t leave me alone.
UA: iunno
UA: it sounds hellz of borin
UA: if all im doing is building a lil doll house for a guy who wheres a hard hat to bed
CU: Yeah, I know.
CU: But I don’t think that’s all there is to it.
CU: TU has got GU playing, and I don’t think a game about playing house would tempt ‘im.
UA: alrite
UA: i guess ill talk to gu and see wut this is all about
UA: you can tell tu that i might play
CU: Fine that.
CU: Thanks for being helpful for once.
UA: yeah yeah
UA: you dont need to tell me im awesome
UA: i already no that
CU: Oh, shut your bloody, disgusting windpipe.
UA: love you to <3

umpireAbsconder [UA] ceased pestering criticalUrine [CU]

Well, this is interesting. You’re kind of pissed off about not being told about it. What’s so great about stupid CU that you would be unwanted? You are about to send a message to GU to ask what this dumb game is about and why you weren’t invited. However, it seems that he’s offline at the moment. You’re REALLY stoked right now and are not in the mood to talk to Mr. Chucklelut McHardhat. You might as well just go down stairs and look around for those idiots who vandalized your beautiful collection. You better be careful. Even though you’re one of the most adept at fighting in the family, it’s not uncommon for you to get jumped by multiple brothers at once. Your apartments are a very crazed environment, where natural selection chooses who is dominant. You step outside of your room ready for whatever awaits you.

Chapter Text

You are now out in the hallway. Pictures of various sports stars are hung up around the room. Lots of different uniforms, sport equipment and spare clothes are lying around. You nearly trip over a partially concealed basketball. You swear, your brothers leave all this shit lying around just as a deathtrap for anyone who walks through here. Look, there’s a pile of knives underneath these boxers. Who even does that? You step out into the kitchen, but no one is there to greet you. They’re probably out and about town. You only get more hot under the collar at the thought of being left out AGAIN. What do people have against you? Only now do you realize that It’s already eleven o'clock in the morning and you have yet to eat anything. You open the cabinet to see what’s inside. Ugh, nothing but moldy cardboard. You next go to the fridge but all that’s there is a soggy bowl of cornflakes and three heads of lettuce. Do any of you even eat lettuce? Who would possibly want that much? Dissatisfied, you finally head for the pantry, which in all honesty is just an extra smelly closet. Fuck yes. You are able to find a shitton of chicken noodle soup cans.

 

After a messy half hour of preparation, you actually have something to eat. As you raise the spoon to your mouth, you hear the doorknob jiggle. Suddenly, half of your bros charge into the room covered in blood and dirt presumably from a fight, and all yelling and cheering at a certain victory. Whenever any of you are in a fight you’re always hungry afterwards, and it’s considered acceptable to steal food from each other, as long as you make up for it somehow. You don’t care about a favor though, this soup is YOURS. Knowing that collision with these dumbasses is imminent, you react quickly. You hurl your spoon at the fastest-approaching brother, who ducks, sending the metal implement into the moron behind him. During the distraction you hold the bowl tightly to your chest and charge upstairs, splashing chicken broth onto your already-soiled shirt. You make it up to your bedroom and safely lock it. This place is a very risky environment and is pretty much all the proof necessary to confirm evolution through “survival of the fittest”. You’ve always had a feeling that there were others before you that weren’t strong enough to stay alive in the harsh atmosphere. Frankly, you’re amazed that you survived all this when you were younger. The whole situation every day is Massachusetts Jemmings and the Apartments of Doom.

 

Really, your brothers aren’t actually that bad. If you got into a fight with someone that was actually strong enough that you couldn’t take him alone, there wouldn’t be any worry because you’ve got an entire group of guys who now will do anything to beat the dolt to a pulp. If someone else is having some financial struggles, everyone else will immediately work to get some money for him. And if anyone buys some tickets, you can be sure that there are always enough tickets to the big game to go around. Always.

 

You wander around the room eating your soup and not entirely sure what to do. You hear shuffling and voices outside but you ain’t going to have anything to do with that. After fully revitalizing by finishing the soup, you head over to your computer to see who’s online. It seems that GU is now online, so you’ll figure out what the hell is going on from him.


umpireAbsconder [UA] began pestering genuineUnbrage [GU]

UA: yo whats up
GU: GOD DAMED COMPTUERS IS UP!
GU: THIS THING IS A PEICE OF GABRAGE!
UA: whoa there
UA: calm the fuck down
GU: this stupid computer reufses to let me install this girly game i don’t even want to play!!!!!!
UA: is it a game that TU wants you to play
GU: yes!
GU: he bought it for me i don’t have a choice i hvae to play it or i seem like a bigger ass thna normal this is so unfiar why do i have to ptuup with this shit!!!!!
UA: ok
UA: you seriously need to chill
UA: youre having so many spelling errors i can barely understand you
UA: uuhhhhhh
UA: you there
GU: Alright
GU: I’m calm
GU: Okay
GU: What do you need to say?
UA: i just want to get the idea on what this game youre playing is about
GU: Hmmph
GU: I don’t know
GU: TU says that he’ll be building up my house while I beat up things and that it’s urgent we all play
GU: I think that bookworm pansy just wants to be with all his little friends
UA: lol
GU: No
GU: Do NOT put me into another fit
GU: You’re typing some stupid jeer at this moment
GU: And
GU: I am currently shaking
GU: In an attempt to suppress my
UA: how about you just go kiss and make up
UA: that always works with you two loverboys :)
GU: RAGE!!!!!!
GU: I WILL SANP YOUR SCRANWY LITTLE NECK YOU PURTID MAGGOT!!!
GU: LET’S SEE HOW YOU MAKE YOUR REATRDED REMARKS WHEN YOUR LUNGS HAVE BEEN IMPLAED AND YOUR FINGERS AHVE BEEN SMAHSED INTOA PULP!!!!!!
UA: does wittle tired you need need a nap
GU: YOUR’E JUTS GOONA KEEP DOING TAHT AREN’T YOU!?!?!
GU: I’M GOING TO YLEL AT SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!
UA: have fun!

umpireAbsconder [UA] ceased pestering genuineUmbrage [GU]


    Okay, that conversation really didn’t give you any answers but it sure was entertaining. You’ve always wondered how he manages to get so angry over such little things. You spin around on your swivel chair because you have nothing to do an- eh? You’re being messaged by someone else already?

criticalUrine [CU] began pestering umpireAbsconder [UA]

CU: Very funny.
CU: Thanks a ton for turning an insane GU on me.
CU: He will not shut up.
UA: lol
CU: You are so bloody annoying.

criticalUrine [CU] ceased pestering umpireAbsconder [UA]


Yep. That was undeniably an awesome conversation.

Chapter Text

    Pacing around a tidy room is an enraged, youthful gentleman. Say, what’s his name again? Ah, yes, now you remember! You are Jane Doe, though you only go by your last name, or the nickname Solly. You are sixteen years and eleven months old and live in Columbus, Ohio. You are obedient, attentive and helpful to those you believe are your superiors, and scornful, grumpy and disagreeable to anyone else. You strive to be in the military, and only have one month to go before you are eligible to enter, although most people are worried about your enthusiasm to kill and violent meltdowns of fury. However, your extreme devotion and dedication to protect America the Beautiful wins the favor of local recruiters. Your strife specibus is shovel kind. Despite not being old enough to own a gun, you have a shotgun squirreled away under some floorboards and cinder blocks, just in case the Commies come back... You love playing games on your computer, and spend all day playing first-person shooters, under excuse that you’re training in advance. You’re friends with people around the world on the internet, and like talking with some of them. You absolutely LOVE hats.
   
    You decide to inspect your room to calm down your frayed nerves. You had just been talking with your idiot of a friend who riled you up, and then another friend who was rather unsentimental towards your problems. Your bed is set neatly with some sheets from the army surplus store. You organize your room like you’ll need to soon. In one corner of your room is your Trusty Shovel, which you’ve had long as you can remember. It’s rusty, bent, can barely dig holes and spontaneously combusts occasionally, but you still love it. It’s from Mann Company, the largest privately owned business in the world. The company sells hats, weapons and tools. The symptoms your Trusty Shovel has is characteristic to all their products, as fulfillment of the Mann Co. Guarantee to have every experience with their hazardous contraptions to be dangerous as fuck, and manly enough to equal riding a flaming grizzly bear into an explosives warehouse. CEO Saxton Hale’s promise.
   

In another corner stacked in neat, organized towers is your pile of cans, all full of beans and sausage, along with empty rib containers that are the leftovers of the meal you have delivered to your house every evening from the rib place.  You know not to trust any other food; the Nestle Rabbit is some kind of other dimensional demon, and you’ve heard rumors that Betty Crocker is an alien. Of course, that second idea is complete bullshit- you know the hag was secretly executed by the government in the 50’s for sharing cake recipes with the Reds. Even now you can’t be certain who’s on the side of the Land of Freedom. You’re glad you have a friend stationed right in the middle of the “Motherland” (America would never go for that name, the ol’ US of A is the definition of masculinity). He promised to tell you if there was any communist plotting going on, although he is skeptical of your claims.

 

All over your walls are posters of American propaganda. You salute Uncle Sam, a true hero if you ever saw one. Your aforementioned bed rests perfectly aligned in another corner and your computer and desk are in the final one. Sitting on your desk are two separate envelopes containing the Server and Client disks to a game called Sburb. You don’t know much about it, but your friend TU whose name will be frustratingly withheld until he is introduced, said that the game would involve him building and you beating things up to save the world. The concept sounds perfect to you. Getting to smash things to save America and becoming a hero seems like a dream come true. Even if you don’t get a medal or girl in the end like they do in the movies, knowing that you would’ve made Sam proud is well worth it.

    Just as your march ends, you notice that your computer has finally manned up and is installing the game.  Insane music plays as lights and shapes zoom around on the screen, before coming up with the word Sburb. That vanishes and comes up with the words “Requesting client, please enter in client’s friend code”. You don’t know what that is, so you decide to ask TU what that code thing is.

genuineUmbrage [GU] began pestering technologicalUlyssian [TU]

GU: Alright I downloaded the game
TU: Good.
TU: Now tell me what your client friend code is so that we can connect.
GU: Wait I thought you were supposed to give me the code
GU: That’s what the game is telling me
TU: Oh for the love of Davy Crockett.
TU: Did you put in the server disc?
GU: Uuuuhh
GU: No
GU: I mean yes
TU: You were supposed to put in the client disk you sheep headed grease sucker!
TU: Well, now it looks like you’ll have to find someone else to connect to.
TU: Instead of fighting, you’ll be building.
GU: So
GU: Ive been waiting for five hours
GU: TO PLAY WIHT TINKERTPYS!?!?!?!?
TU: Yep.
GU: OYU STUIPD GODDAMMME D COWBOY SHIT HEADD BUTTSAPNER!!!!
GU: YOU TLOD ME TO PUT IN TEH SREVER ONE!!!!
TU: Nope.avi
TU: I told you to put in the server one after you had access to a second computer.
TU: I’ve already installed the server version so you’ll have to find someone else to connect to.
TU: CU told me that ol’ Stringy Scoot decided to play.
TU: You could connect with him.
GU: NO!!!!
GU: I ALDERYY DECIDDE FOR TEH NEXT WEEK I AM NTO TKLAING TO THAT MNGAY PTRUD BUKET OF WTSE TGAT DESRVES TO BE THORWN INTO A HTAANYUKBAYUBLTCAUILA;OAUWO8PTE CI;45KIRFRUJJJJJJGAIHO
TU: I think I’ll leave you and your temper tantrum alone at the moment.

genuineUmbrage [GU] ceased pestering technologicalUlyssian [TU]


    You are so fucking angry right now. The shitstorm that has been brewing inside you sends you charging at the wall and colliding your helmeted head into the wall. The aftermath leaves a smashed in wall, a helmet covered in plaster dust and a passed out Jane who stays that way for the next seven minutes and sixteen seconds. You dream of a blurred, pointy, purple landscape though your brain is too shaken to make out anything in particular.

Chapter Text

You are now Scout Jemmings. You have been downstairs for half an hour searching for the Sburb game one of your brothers has. After searching most rooms for two hours straight, you finally found it inside one of those heads of lettuce. You decided just not to ask anyone about it. Earlier on your oldest brother, Zach, tried getting you to come out of your room and clean up the kitchen. When you vulgarly refused, he kicked a hole in your door and walked off. You rolled your eyes in annoyance, and flipped him the bird.

You jam the client disk into your computer, then watch as it downloads it in four seconds. The music is too fast to hear and the shapes and colors changing so quickly it nearly gives you a seizure. The words Sburb come up and a code of random letters and numbers appear below. Next to that it says “Please send client code to server player.” You have no idea what a server player is, and after fiddling around you can’t figure out anything else to do.

Suddenly, you are Jane again. You have woken up and have started thinking. An idea grows in your mind until you chortle with glee. If you’re able to edit someone’s house and move their stuff around...

genuineUmbrage began pestering umpireAbsconder

GU: Hello
GU: Friend
GU: Buddy
GU: :)
UA: janey girl
UA: what are you up to
GU: DONT CALL ME JANE YOU SHITMUNHCING GRUBBY GRABBER!!!!
GU: I mean
GU: Nothing is going on
GU: I just want to play a game with my
GU: Friend
UA: heheheheh
UA: i have no idea what youre planning but this is to fucking hilarous
UA: so you wanna play sburb or something
GU: Yes
GU: Do you have the
GU: Uh
GU: Server disk
GU: NO WAIT!!!
GU: I mean client disk
GU: Yes
UA: hahaha
UA: oh god i need to send this to au
UA: this is just too perfect
UA: and yeah i have it
UA: whatever i'll play
GU: Just gimme your damn client code
UA: uuhhh
UA: 4892062819647295125
UA: why is this number so damn long
GU: Who cares I am the Law.
UA: wait
UA: what
GU: Lets just check this filth out

You see Scout in his room. He is staring intently at the screen, and casting wary glances at some lettuce near him. You see that you have a cursor on your screen for moving stuff. The first thing you do is start jabbing Scout with it. He yelps and waves his bat wildly in the air, unsure of what the fuck is going on. Next, you pick up some baseball cards and start dipping them in a Suspicious Puddle on the ground. Scout shrieks and grabs at them. Apparently he’s stronger than the cursor and can take things from it. You are laughing hard, and are now going to test out the Revise option. you grab the wall his door is connected to and move it backward, towards the hallway it leads into. An angry yell and some swearing is heard from the other side.

UA: ow
UA: wtf
UA: are you doing that
UA: FUCK
UA: MY CARDS
UA: what the hell dya think yer doin
GU: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
GU: THIS IS SO MUCH FUN
UA: ok how do i undo this
GU: YOU CANT!!!!
UA: fuck
UA: yoooooooooooouuu!!!!!!!!

The next option is a set of bizarre contraptions that can be spawned and placed around his room. You attempt crushing his can collection with one of the gadgets, but the game unfortunately won’t let you. You instead opt to lay it down in the middle of Scout’s room, trying to take up as much space as possible. Then you place down another. And then another. Scout is now screaming in outrage and scrambling around. You chuckle to yourself and send him another message.


GU: Isnt this fun
GU: I gave you a bunch of toys in the middle of your room to play with
UA: omfg
UA: just stfu and fix this now
UA: or im going to smash it until it’s scrap metal
GU: Id like to see you try

 

Scout takes out his bat and starts beating on something called an “alchemiter”. He is unable to do anything to it and instead turns to the “cruxtruder”. He brings his bat over his head and smashes down on top of it. Suddenly, some bright light shoots out and the screen turns white briefly. When the screen tones down a bit, you see that he has knocked the top off of the alchemiter and there is now some... floaty... thing hovering around. It is red and constantly flashing and forming patterns. The cruxtruder displays a timer showing 7:16 on a face towards the bottom of it.


UA: alright what the fuck did you do now
GU: Youre the one who did that
UA: seriously?
GU: Affirmative
UA: wtf is that thing anyways
GU: I have no idea
GU: Im gonna ask TU
UA: just so ya know
UA: hes prolly up to his fucking neck in stupid phisics stuff
UA: trying to figure out how the hell this stuff works
UA: and what did you mean by “i am the law”

genuineUmbrage [GU] ceased pestering umpireAbsconder [UA]

UA: god dammit

genuineUmbrage [GU] began pestering technologicalUlyssian [TU]

GU: Attention scumbag
GU: I require immediate help
TU: Not now.
TU: I’m up to my damn neck in interesting physics theories.
TU: This game is fascinating.
TU: It defies basic laws of just about everything.
TU: I can be the one to rewrite modern science if I figure this out quickly enough!
GU: Your prissy science mumbo jumbo is unimportant right now
GU: Scout created a ball that is currently floating and being annoying
TU: 1. I think your belief of this game’s mechanics is as flawed as your mind.
TU: 2. That’s probably the Kernelsprite.
GU: Listen here you lazy layabout
GU: I dont care what that thing is called
GU: But I dont know what it does which means its a threat
GU: And I need to know how to kill it
TU: Calm your paranoid behind down.
TU: According to this here walkthrough, that thing’s supposed to help you.
TU: Tell Scout to throw something in it.
GU: Fine
GU: But if that thing kills Scout
GU: I will strangle you
TU: I thought we were talking about Scout here.
GU: Oh yeah
GU: Actually
GU: I think I’ll curtly shake your hand and give you a medal
TU: Heheheh.

genuineUmbrage [GU] ceased pestering technologicalUlyssian [TU]

You relay this message to Scout and then politely end the chapter so that we can keep it at a good length.

Chapter Text

Chapter 5

You are Scout. You have just recieved a message from Jane that you must throw something into the spaz ball in front of you. What will you do?

Well, you know something you won’t do, and that’s go outside. Your older brother is probably gonna kill you for all of Jane’s “editing”. You look around the room and search for something worth throwing in. However, everything in your room is valuable to you! You then notice the three heads of lettuce on your desk. You had torn up one head to find the Sburb disks inside, but you hadn’t opened the other two. You grab a head, and hurl it in. Bright lights flash.

The kernelsprite looks very odd now. It is a head of lettuce, but it also has pointy sharp knives sticking out from around it. That thing could kill just by tackling someone. You have no clue why it’s so sharp, but it has you worried, so you decide to sneak downstairs. You successfully avoid confrontation and reach the kitchen. You walk over to where Zach keeps his prized knife collection. It is not there. The bastard hid it inside the lettuce to keep it away from the others. How is that even possible? You are now twice as dead if you just destroyed nearly a thousand dollars of stabbiness. Right on cue he walks into the room.

“Alright Scout, where the fuck is the lettuce. None of the others have it,” he says.

“Um... I don’t know?” you reply. You are freaking out inside. He can hurt you. If he finds out what happened, he will

“Well, isn’t that just a shame,” he says sarcastically. “I think that might not be true.”

“Why do you even want some damn lettuce? None of us even like it,” you say, trying to be cool and play dumb at the same time. You start edging towards the hallway. He will notice. Your ass is cooked. Unsurprisingly, he makes a grab for you and you take off. Instantly he’s after you. Fortunately you’re faster but he’ll find a way to corner you quickly. You reach the end of the hall and hesitate briefly to open the apartment door. As you’re just about to run out, Zach catches up to you and smashes you over the head with a hockey stick and yells “WHERE ARE MY KNIVES” You collapse to the ground in pain, but are able to withdraw your bat in time to autoparry! the second swing.You swing the bat wildly as a distraction then charge out of the apartment and through the building. You reach the stairs, but stop just before you’re about to jump down them. Remembering past warnings, you decide it would be much safer to take the elevator down. At that moment Zach reaches you and causes a collision. You go flying backwards and start falling down the stairs.

You reach the floor in a crumpled mess and just lie there briefly. You can shrug off falling down two flights of stairs, right? You then limp over to the elevator and get in. You set it to go above your apartment and get off above it. You manage to get back into the house again and limp over to your room. The sprite is still there along with all the junk. The timer says 1:27. You tiredly collapse in your chair and read the messages you’ve recieved.

technologicalUlyssian began pestering umpireAbsconder

TU: Scout.
TU: No questions.
TU: Just do what I say.
TU: Go grab the card that Doe left on your desk and put it into the card punch gizmo.
TU: Get a cylindrical object from the sprite holder and put it into the slot.

You have no idea what this asshole is rambling about.

UA: whaaa
UA: your not making sense
UA: i was away
TU: shitshitshtisthisthsitist
TU: whats your timer at this is importeant
UA: uhhh
UA: 0:49
UA: and “perfect typing” my ass
UA: youre as bad as au right now
TU: JUST DO WHAT UI TELL YOU
TU: PLEASE
UA: jesus christ
UA: fine
UA: just quit flipping out

You walk over to the cruxtruder and grab one of the cylinders in it. The timer is at 0:24. Whistling to yourself and trying to ignore the throbbing pain that is all over you, you stick in the card and dowel and turn it on. The dowel is reshaped by the punch designix. You pull it out and walk back to the computer.

UA: ok
UA: got it
TU: put itt on the pedestalof the big pad thingy
TU: and dstroy what ever it creat es.
TU: no maateter what it is
TU: FAST

The timer is now at 0:08. TU is starting to make you unnerved, and the fact that it’s getting really hot in here adds to the worried feeling, so you quick-walk over to the alchemiter and place the dowel on its pedestal. Some scanner comes down and looks at the dowel and suddenly a huge case appears and drops out an awesome glass trophy. You pick it up and admire its beauty. You don’t want to destroy this! It’s the greatest trophy you’ve ever seen! Your name is even on it. The timer is down to 0:03. At that moment Zach kicks down your door and runs in, swinging his hockey stick at you angrily. You hold up the trophy to shield yourself on reflex and the glass bursts.

Chapter Text

Sand dunes loom in the distance. The sun blazes down, painfully bright when caught in the peripherals. His carapace is wrapped in cloth, to help protect himself from the heat. The inner fat he had once had has long ago vanished, making his exoskeleton appear loose and empty. He sits down and drinks the rest of the water he had obtained around ten miles south of his current location. It is just another average day in the life of an Abandoned Drifter.

He stands up and trudges forward, always going north. He has no reason to head that way. There isn't much reason to do anything in this wasteland. He is simply driven by the will to live, to find something new, to make a permanent residence, to have a life that doesn't leave him uncertain if he'll be alive in a week. He also hopes, although this is a desperate dream, to find the traitors who had left him, and finally get his vengeance. This is the first time this week that his head has been clear. He spends most of his time in a half awake daze, doing what has to be done without any thought. He rewards his temporary lucidity with a few of the potatoes he had found buried in some dry soil, a scarcity in this land. He dreams that one day he will find some rich soil and he can start a potato farm.

He finally starts walking again, nearing the top of the dune he has been climbing. Looking down, he sees a small building. He isn't sure why it was here, the city he had been walking through had already ended a few miles ago. He approaches the unremarkable house, to see a strange, green figure on a door. He opens it.

==>

You wake up from a nice rest and wonder why you're on the floor. Your name is Scout and you are starting to remember what's going on. Zach had smashed your beautiful trophy and then there was some tingly feeling. After that you think you passed out although you can't be sure. There is water on the ground nearby and leading out of the door. You step outside and find that the house is completely silent. You enter the kitchen and call the names of some of your brothers. There is no reply. You see a note sitting on the table.

It is clearly written by Zach and says: when you wake up from your beauty sleep and read this well all ready be gone. were going to kill more of these little monster things and you can try to catch up if you want. fyi im still going to kill you for what you did with my knives though these things are making it easy to get my knives back.

That is a bit discomforting, but you'll still chase after them if there's some fighting to do. Although you don't know what monster things he's talking about it, or how he's getting his knives back. You hear a strange noise from behind you and you spin around to come face to face with... is that your sprite? It is no longer a flashing orb but instead looks more like a ghost with lettuce for a head and knives sticking out every which way. You lower your bat and your guard once you realize it isn't a threat. You are swiftly stabbed in the hip.

You yelp in pain and drop to the floor. Looking up you see a black, impish creature only three feet tall, wielding a cool looking knife. It's wearing a frilly green costume dripping with moisture, which you snicker at, even through the pain. Grinning manically, it lunges at you and you roll to the side. You've been stabbed many times and are able to fight with a knife wound. You take out your bat and swing it at the stabby imp's face, making contact. Its head jerks right as it spits out some teeth and reels backward. It regains its bearing and refocuses its eyes on you, right in time to get smashed by your second hit, this time coming down from above. It falls to the ground in a heap, but you're not done. You jump onto the table and prepare to leap off when suddenly you turn in a way that causes your wound to especially hurt. You fall over and roll off of the table onto the floor, as injuries from the stairs incident are reopened. The imp hauls itself to its feet, and starts to abscond at a very slow pace. Getting up onto your knees, you grab your bat and a nearby ball. You then hit the projectile at the imp and hit right in the back of the head. It falls over and smashes its head on the window sill it had been headed for. On impact the imp explodes in a watery mess. A bunch of strange hexagonal objects fall everywhere. You fall back over but are suddenly alerted by some loud blaring.

Before you know it, there's giant graph appearing in front of you, a bunch of different titles printed on it. Inside your head you hear an announcement that you have ascended to the second rank on your echeladder: Chuckle Chump. Your previous rank was simply F2P although you don't know what that even means. You then hear an announcement that your strength, speed and grist capacity have increased and your health has been restored. You don't know what that first part meant at all, but you got the second part, and you can feel it. Your wounds are closing up and the pain is vanishing. Soon you are fit as a fiddle, despite you not knowing how fit a fiddle is. You walk over to the giant gems and touch one. It instantly vanishes and you jump back. You try it on the rest and they each vanish at the slightest contact. Once those are gone, you decide to look outside to see what's going on out there.

Your floor of the building is positioned comfortably on a giant floating cloud. Outside are many more clouds, forming staircases and walkways. Linking some of the clouds together are solid rainbows, and waterfalls of liquid rainbows cascade down below. In the streams of rainbows, water wheels spin and clouds hold flowers containing the color spectrum. High above in the sky you can see words written out in a fancy font: Land of Clouds and Rainbows. Your eyes water.

Chapter Text

A new kid stands alone in his room. His denim overalls, hardhat and face are covered in grease stains. You are now this kid. Your name is Dell Conagher, and you have just found out about a very exciting and important game. It is called Sburb, and apparently it ends the world, although it’s unknown what its purpose is. You know you gotta get your friends in on this so that you all can escape. However, the game sounds like a mix of your two favorite things: building and fighting, so it should also be fun. You have been getting all this information from a walkthrough by tentacle The rapist. Weird. You’re going to tell everyone about this soon, but right now you’re just going to give us your bio.

You are seventeen, nearly eighteen, and the oldest of your group of friends. You live in Dallas, Texas with your grandfather, Radigan. Your grandfather is one of the smartest men on Earth, and has designed many mechanical marvels. You are already as good as most professional engineers. Although you have access to the greatest technological commodities, you and your grandfather choose to live in a modest wood cabinish house. You are also good at shooting, playing the guitar, and being smarter than all your friends. You aspire to be a military engineer and design weapons, although it seems as though you’ll have to give up these dreams due to the world itself ending.

In the corner of your room is your bed and high-tech computer. Nearby is your guitar and a bunch of sheet music. Close to that is the turret you’ve been working on. It can fire bullets, but the tracking system is off and it sometimes shoots at you. You have also been building a machine that could automatically fix peoples’ wounds, although you’ve had no success so far. You also have a small transportalizer that your grandfather built which you are trying to make portable. It’s going pretty well, and you’ve had few accidents when transportalizing small objects. On your work desk are prototypes of robotic limbs you’ve been making. You haven’t had a need to test them, and hopefully never will, but better safe than sorry.

You suppose that you had better get a move on and quit slacking off with giving a memo to everyone about the game. You get back to your computer and open a chat memo for everyone currently online.

technologicalUlyssian [TU] opened memo CRAZYASS CLUSTERFUCK BILLBOARD
(Name courtesy of Scout.)
TU: Howdy everyone.
TU: I’ve got some big news right now.
TU: So get your behinds in here as soon as you can.
criticalUrine [CU] has responded to memo.
CU: Hi.
TU: Hello to you too.
CU: I’m goin to bed soon.
CU: Make this quick.
uncongenialCardiology [UC] has responded to memo.
TU: I don’t think you’re getting any sleep right now. This is important.
UC: Hello.
UC: Sorry but I’m going to be away until tomorrow.
TU: Be quiet!
TU: There’s a game I have found out about called Sburb.
alcoholUllage [AU] has responded to memo.
TU: I’m sure all of you have noticed the recent meteor showers happening everywhere.
AU: uuuhhhherr
AU: wha/
genuineUmbrage [UA] has responded to memo.
TU: Well, these ain’t stopping.
TU: They’re only getting bigger and bigger.
GU: ALIENS!!!
TU: I’ve done some research and this checks out.
GU: I KNEW THEY WOULD ATTACK ONE DAY!!!
CU: I didn’t realize you’re a conspiracy nut, Dell.
UC: Ja, you sound like Doe right now.
undetectableGuises [UG] has responded to memo.
TU: The only way to escape these meteors is by playing this game.
UG: My goodness, what a ruckus.
GU: ALL OF YOU SAID I WAS CRAZY!!!
CU: Hey, UG.
UG: Bonjour.
UG: So what is all this about a game?
AU: wate wut the fuck is wiht aleens”
TU: From what I’ve read, the game teleports you to a different world.
GU: ALIENS ARE GONNA KILL US ALL AU!!!
GU: TO ARMS!
AU: naaaaaaaaah
AU: aleins are SHIT
AU: i cood blast their glowin green ass to peasis ANY day
TU: Now all of you need to get this game so we can escape.
GU: I WARNED YOU ABOUT ALIENS BRO
 TU: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, SHUT UP ALREADY, DOE!!
UC: I second that.
UG: Be quiet you mad cretin!
GU: i told you dog...
GU: :[
unfalteringlyTenacious [UT] has responded to memo
UT: It is late.
UT: Why am i being bothered.
CU: Just read what Dell said above.
UC: I was in the middle of an experiment until you interrupted me.
UC: This game sounds ridiculous anyway, I’m going back to working now.
CU: I think I’ll take my leave too.
TU: Wait!
TU: I haven’t told all of you the best part.
UG: And that is?
TU: There’ll be massive monsters there.
TU: And you get to kill all you want.
GU: Ooh!
GU: Im in!
CU: Sounds neat but I think it’s bull.
CU: Talk to ya later
criticalUrine [CU] has left the memo.
TU: Oh dagnabbit.
UC: I am going now.
UC: I don’t believe this game at all.
uncongenialCardiology [UC] has left the memo.
UG: I shall bid adieu too.
undetectableGuises [UG] has left the memo.
GU: Get back here you cowards!
GU: Errgh
TU: We’ll have to convince each of them.
UT: I am interested.
UT: If i can find this game then i will play.
UT: I would love to crush these tiny, weak monsters.
TU: Great!
TU: What about you, AU?
TU: Are you gonna act like a yellow-belly?
unfalteringlyTenacious [TU] has left the memo.
TU: …
TU: How much do you want to bet that he passed out a while ago?
GU: Nothing
GU: Its obvious
genuineUmbrage [GU] has left the memo.
TU: *sigh*
TU: It’s gonna be a long day.
technologicalUlyssian [TU] has closed the memo.
alcoholUllage [AU] has been automatically kicked from the memo.

Chapter Text

You are now Jane Doe. Scout recently entered the Medium, and you’ve been watching him since then. He has just wandered outside, but you’re already getting bored of viewing his pointless dawdling. You decide to instead go get something to eat and maybe talk to someone else. As you leave your room, you see two of your raccoon friends you allow into the house trying to tear each others’ throats out. You separate General Rabies from Sergeant Harbinger and tell them to be friends. You give them some leftover rib bones and continue into the kitchen. The kitchen is in disarray again, but that’s often. You get some more ribs from the fridge and slather them with some tasty sour cream, before going into your living room. The area is teaming with more raccoons and a few opossums, but fortunately no one minds. After all, you’ve been living by yourself for as long as you can remember.

    When you head back to your room you spy Scout crying as he stares out the window into a wonderland of clouds and rainbows. You drop your meal in shock as you look over the dreamscape and Scout uncontrollably leaking from the eyes. You quickly take a screenshot and open up the memo to give proof that this game isn’t bullshit.

genuineUmbrage [GU] opened memo CRAZYASS CLUSTERFUCK BILLBOARD
GU: Attention
GU: I have confirmation that this game is in fact real
GU: Scout has been teleported to a land of clouds and rainbows
GU: He is currently crying in his room
The file ScoutCryingInRainbowLand.png has been shared.
undetectableGuises [UG] has responded to memo.
UG: Ahaha!
UG: My accusations have been true!
umpireAbsconder [UA] has responded to memo.
UA: god fucking dammit doe
UA: fuck you]
criticalUrine [CU] has responded to memo.
CU: And yet you don’t deny it...
UA: it aint fuckin true you assholes
UG: Rainbows make you cry.
UG: It’s simple fact.
technologicalUlyssian [TU] has responded to memo.
TU: Scout’s alive?
TU: Oh God thank you!!!
UA: wut
TU: You weren’t replying to my messages!
TU: I thought the meteor had killed you!
UA: wut meteor
TU: The one that was heading straight for your house.
TU: And blew up all of south Boston.
UA: wait
UA: but that means
UA: ma lives down there
GU: Oh
GU: Shit uhhh
CU: I just checked the world news.
CU: Boston has been destroyed.
UA: nonononono
UA: ohshitohsihtsoshti
TU: I’m sorry, Scout.
UG: I bid my sincerest apologies too.
UA: i need to be alone
UA: please don’t watch me doe
umpireAbsconder [UA] has left the memo.
UG: Doe, DON’T spy on the poor boy.
GU: I wont
GU: Im not a complete asshole
TU: Well that settles it.
TU: We have to get out of here as soon as possible.
CU: Agreed.
CU: Sorry for doubting you.
UG: Get everyone together.
UG: And distribute that game as soon as you can.
UG: We NEED to escape before anything else bad can happen.
uncongenialCardiology [UG] has responded to memo.
TU: Well, I guess we should find out who has their games.
TU: I have both.
GU: Me too
CU: I’m gonna have trouble finding it.
CU: I guess I’ll be breaking into a store in the middle of the night to get it.
UC: Hmm.
unfalteringlyTenacious [UT] has responded to memo.
UC: Interesting.
UC: I will get this game soon.
UT: I have found the game.
UT: I am downloading it now.
alcoholUllage [AU] has responded to memo.
UG: Some quick burglary is all it will take for me.
AU: uuuuuh
AU: ive got me a HELLA bad hangover lads
AU: but that game
AU: ill try too get it
TU: Alright.
TU: Doe, you start downloading the other version of the game.
GU: Yes sir!
TU: UT, when you finish downloadin, you connect to me.
UT: Very well.
TU: We’ll figure out who connects to who after the others have gotten the game.
CU: Dell.
CU: There is someone that we need to include
TU: I dunno, he makes me nervous.
TU: Are you sure?
CU: I know that he’s a creepy weirdo.
CU: But he does not deserve to die.
UC: Ja.
UC: He is still our friend.
TU: *sigh*
TU: You’re right.
tartarusMarauder [TM] has been invited to the memo.

Chapter Text

    You are now Scout. You have just found out that your mom is dead. You are sobbing uncontrollably under your desk. You really loved her. You are pissed off at this game for existing and pissed off at Dell and Doe for getting you involved in this god-awful thing. You know there might be more imps lurking around but you really don’t give a shit. They can stab you for all you care right now. Everyone has amazingly been considerate enough to not try contacting you and-

hey kiddo.

Wait what?

whats eatin you kiddo. yerr sobbin like you just got beat. 

You swear someone is talking to you, only they’ve decided to skip the whole hearing process and get right in your head. Tentatively you say out loud “Uh, hello?”. After a moment you think-hear 

hiya kiddo. now why ya leakin. 

You have no clue what is going on but someone is definitely talking to you. You finally say “My mom is fucking DEAD and I’m in the middle of a fantasy wonderland.” You wait for a while, but you don’t seem to be getting a reply. 

Then, you think thats bad. thats nothing. now get up or get lost.

 You glare at the wall, not knowing how else to express your anger at the insensitive voice. You shout “Hey asshole, this is a big deal! I still can’t believe that this is happening and I don’t need to put up with your bullshit too”.

 The voice replies well dont lie around like some wet blanket. pull yourself up and go use that raging shitstorm you got brewing in you on whichever chump pissed you off.

 “But it’s not just some idiot bothering me, you retard! This is bigger than that and I couldn’t help her!”

who cares about the size of the group. if youre angry enough you can take on anyone.

You barely even know what the voice is trying to say now. You’ve stopped crying and have pulled yourself up, although this is mostly because you’re now too angry to feel despair. “YOU DON’T GET IT! THIS IS AN ENTIRE FUCKING GAME!” you scream. The reply is almost instant.

then dont play.

You freeze. Then you think for a moment. Then you think some more. As you do, a crazed grin spreads across your face. You don’t notice it, but your body briefly glows a faint yellow. You can still get back at whoever made this awful game. You’re not going to break the rules. You’re going to do whatever the fuck you want and refuse to do what you’re meant to. You will BREAK this game.

attaboy kiddo you got it now. im goin away for now. just found the first hooch ive seen in years and im gonna be living the life for the next few hours.

You can feel the voice leaving your mind. This game is gonna get what it deserves. You have never failed to completely piss off someone you wanted to, and you won’t fail now. There is still hope.

==>

    You are now the Abandoned Drifter. You had wandered into the strange building you found an hour ago and have been looking around since then. There was food inside a hatch and some moonshine in another. They were locked up tight but you easily broke them open with your massive strength. Nearby is a keyboard and screen. On the screen is some kid you were talking to. He was throwing a fit earlier, but now he’s gathering up supplies and weapons. You nod in approval then guzzle some illegal liquor. And this isn’t some cheap beer, this is the Real McCoy. Back on Prospit, alcohol was illegal, and so you rarely got any drinks. You especially couldn’t have any because it would reflect poorly if the Armaments Director, the leader of the Prospitian Guards, was caught breaking the law. This is the happiest you’ve been in a long time. Things are finally looking up.

Chapter Text

A purple planet of jagged architecture floats through an unrealistic imitation of deep space. Connected to it by chain is a moon with five large towers, containing the slumbering players of destiny. In a sophisticated font is the word DERSE, made of letters intangible yet still visible. Walking around the planet are black humanoids, protected by a plasticy carapace and wearing simple clothes. However, they are now heading to get some more elaborate suits. On the planet is a series of nine tall towers, each topped with an orb. One of these orbs is already filled with an odd silhouette that resembles a particularly spiky artichoke. In these towers, high-ranking bureaucrats file documents, manage affairs, and keep the general business of Derse in check. In the highest floor of one of these towers is the carapace at the top of the bureaucratic food chain. This is who you now are.

Your name is Jack Noir. You are the archagent of Derse and the third in command of the entire kingdom. You're short in height (as well as temper), but anyone who points that out to you will probably have some superfluous orifices in his torso within a few seconds. You have recently been talking to your superior and object of hatred, the Black Queen. She said that the first kid has entered the game and he prototyped his sprite with... an odd combination. She then handed you a leafy, green cloak and told you to put on. You were about to rudely shout where she can shove it, but you were interrupted by her also telling you that, not only were you allowed to have your knives out on display, you were REQUIRED to and were encouraged to pack as many as possible. Upon the revelation, you instead opted to sullenly mutter where she could shove it. You now have a wobbly compromise and have agreed to wear it if you got to use your knives. You actually got off lucky; the Droll has to wear some sort of dress (not that he minds) and the Dignitary is in trouble for once because he completely refused to wear his cloak. He's now having a vegetable-like suit made for him, but he's gonna be in hot water for a while.

You stop thinking about the recent developments and go back to looking at your walls, as you were ordered to do. In one window is that new kid, talking to himself. He looks pretty scrawny; you can probably have him killed pretty easily when the time comes. In another window is the real threat: a battalion of powerful guys armed to the teeth, some literally, with knives and sports equipment. They have been plowing through the planet and its monsters. You watch with an eyebrow raised in curiosity as they gang up on an ogre and effortlessly take it down. You might have to take care of this problem yourself if they start to cause too much trouble. In the last window, also displaying LOCAR, a white agent of the rival kingdom is investigating one of the hidden security cameras that Derse installed there. It seems almost as though he's looking right at you. You're starting to get unnerved by him so you hit a button that causes the camera to shoot some gas in his face. He starts coughing violently and he ceases his unwelcome snooping and quickly absconds from the area. You chuckle in satisfaction and lean back. It seems this  game is off to a damn good start.

 

==>

 

The morning sky of the western United States shines bright, as shooting stars fly across the horizon. Meteors burn up as they come crashing down towards the Earth. The meteorites that have reached the ground intact are puny, although their size has been growing over the last few hours. A large facility sits precariously at the edge of a cliff in New Mexico. On the top of the mansion/factory hybrid is the title "Mann Co.". The windows are broken and various dead animals are lying outside among fancy hats and bizarre weapons. Inside, the CEO of Mann Co. talks to his accountant and assistant.

"And these rocks are bombing our factories?!" shouts the massive man, Saxton Hale. Wearing only a brimmed hat and some ratty shorts and weighing over 300 pounds, he is a frightening sight. His moustache twitches as he balls up his fists in rage and, with a shout, smashes the wooden table in front of him with one swing of a club-like arm. "I do not allow kamikaze stones to threaten me!!!"

"Mr. Hale, please calm down," says his assistant, Bidwell. "These are just a large number of meteors. It's a natural phenomenon."

"Oh, NATURAL, is it? So the hippies set this up, didn't they. Oh there's gonna be some broken spines in a moment," vows Hale as he cracks his knuckles.

"We can't afford to have more dead hippies lying around, Mr. Hale. We've had to kill enough senators already just to keep out of jail," drones the accountant, Reddy. "No one is sending these rocks at you and they're hitting everything in general. We don't have time to worry about a small meteor shower. There's still that problem with the PETA regarding that highly endangered wombat and we must resolve it. I doubt we can put up much of a legal defense if you don't find at least a fourth of it."

"Oh yes, that little bugger. He can wait for the moment. Now, let me tell you two something. The two most important things I've learned in my career are that all problems are caused by someone and that punches solve everything. So that means that if the rocks are a problem, then someone has caused it. And to solve this problem, I have to..."

"Punch the someone who caused it," finish Reddy and Bidwell in unison, used to the speech.

"Good!" barks Saxton as he turns around and heads for the door. "Now, I'm going to find out who's attacking us and smash his pancreas into a mush. Maybe I'll find somebits of that wombat, too!"

The door closes, and the aides sigh while giving each other a look of exasperation.

 

==>

 

tartarusMarauder [TM] has responded to memo.
TM: :) ?
TU: Howdy.
TM: hi best friend. c:
TU: Yes, yes. Hello to you too.
TM: you usually don’t bring me into your group chats, best friend? should i feel worried?
TU: Umm.
TU: Yes, you should.
TU: But don’t panic!
TM:does it have to do with these silly meteor showers?
TM: they sure are pretty, best friend.
TU: Yeah.
TU: They are indeed.
TU: But also pretty deadly.
TU: I think you had best keep away from those.
CU: Quit beating around the bush, Dell.
UG: You’d know a lot about that, wouldn’t you?
CU: Can it.
TM: is there something I should know, CU? Dell?
TU: This’ll sound insane.
TU: Which I guess means normal for you.
TU: But these meteor showers are being caused by a game called Sburb.
TU: We need to play this game so that these meteors don’t kill us all.
TU: Scout has already teleported to another dimension and we all have to do the same.
TU: You’re going to be playing too.
TU: Understand?
TM: :?
TM: okay!
TU: Alright, good.
TU: We’ll have to figure out how to get you the game.
TU: Do you think you could obtain it?
TU: There are two disks.
TM: I already have the disks. c:
TU: Wait, what?
TU: How?
CU: That firebug never stops managing to impress me.
TM: i dont ask you to explain how you got the disks. just be happy i do! c:
TU: You know what? Fine.
TU: Get them hooked up to your computer and we’ll figure out who you’ll connect with.
TU: Do you want anyone in particular?
TM: i’d feel odd asking for someone, but if UG is availableeeee...?
UG: I have not connected to anyone yet.
UG: But I also do not have the game.
UG: But if you want to partner up, then that will be just fine.
UG: I am leaving momentarily to steal the game.
TU: Good man.
undetectableGuises [UG] has left the memo.
TU: Now, we need to figure out what to do with Scout.
TM: ooh! ooh! i no how to cheer him up.
TM: he must be so sad right now, after what happened to his mommy. :c
CU: Is this kid a clairvoyant?
TU: Ah, to hell with it. Sure, go ahead and talk to Scout, TM.
TU: I don’t know who’s more chipper than you.
UC: Excuse me, but where do I come in on all this?
UC: It seems you all have forgotten me.
UT: I want to connect with you.
UT: I do not trust some here as being strong enough.
UT: This game will not tolerate weakness.
CU: Oh, shut your bloody yap.
CU: There’s a lot more to survival than just raw strength, bonehead.
TM: but that’s what it often comes down to in the end when you have to kill someone in melee combat!
TM: for example, it takes the equivalent force of 3.5 kg of force per square inch to crush an average human skull with a blunt object. that would be like a major league baseball player’s swing! i wish i was that strong, but all i could rely on are weapons designed for slicing. that’s too bad cuz i love hammers! D:
TU: Uhh...
CU: Holy fuck I am outta here.
criticalUrine [CU] has left the memo.
TM: why did he leave?
TM: hulloooo?
AU: i call not being paired with him
GU: Seconded
TU: Alright, I’m closing the memo. Y’all figure out who’s with who and message me with it later.
GU: Understood!
technologicalUlyssian [TU] has closed the memo.
genuineUmbrage [GU] has been automatically kicked from the memo.
uncongenialCardiology [UC] has been automatically kicked from the memo.
alcoholUllage [AU] has been automatically kicked from the memo.
unfalteringlyTenacious [UT] has been automatically kicked from the memo.

tartarusMarauder [TM] has been automatically kicked from the memo.

Chapter Text

umpireAbsconder [UA] began pestering genuineUmbrage [GU]
UA: heya doe
GU: Uh
GU: Hi Scout
GU: Shit Im no good at comforting people
UA: dude i do not need any comforting right now
UA: what i need right now is some people willing to wreck some shit
GU: I am always willing to wreck some shit
UA: listen
UA: this game was clearly created by assholes
UA: the eight of us are going to fucking ruin this game
GU: Nine
GU: TM is playing too
UA: fucking perfect >:)
UA: lets see how the sick fucks who made this like it when we're breaking their game apart using some psycho pyromaniac
GU: Uh
GU: You still dont sound okay Scout
GU: Are you sure youre not going insane
UA: i am FINE
UA: soon im gonna be heading out to meet my brothers and starting killing stuff
UA: find out more about this game
GU: Affirmative
GU: I am going to connect with Dell so that I can get to work cracking skulls myself
UA: haha awesome

umpireAbsconder [UA] ceased pestering genuineUmbrage [GU]

 

technologicalUlyssian [TU] began pestering umpireAbsconder [UA]
TU: Howdy, Scout.
TU: I heard from Doe that you’re feeling better
UA: you know it bro
UA: or should i say
UA: you bro it
TU: *Sigh*
TU: Yep, you’re definitely sounding better.
TU: Anyway, I was wondering if you’ve prototyped your sprite yet?
UA: yeah i turned it into a knife lettuce monster ghost thingy before i teleportaled
TU: Yes, but have you done your second prototyping yet?
UA: ?
TU: If you throw something into it now then it’ll combine and be able to speak to you.
TU: It’ll then give you useful information about  this game
TU: I suggest you use something that you’ve always wanted to talk to.
UA: hmmmm
UA: alright
UA: thanks dell
TU: No problem.

technologicalUlyssian [TU] ceased pestering umpireAbsconder [UA]

 

    You are now Scout. You are in your room with the door locked. A large number of imps have infested your house, but you couldn’t care less because you’re back to your usual cocky nature. You are looking around your room trying to decide what you want to go into your sprite. After some consideration, you head to your closet, your Lettucesprite following you. Opening the door, you reach in to get a poster of the legendary Red Sox shortstop Joe Cronin. However, your closet is a huge mess! You jump back as a huge pile of miscellaneous objects fall out. A particularly unruly clutter of baseballs go flying out and hit your sprite, causing a blinding flash of light.

 

    When you open your eyes, you see the cluttered mess that was once your kernelsprite. It vaguely resembles a pile of baseballs, but they are leafy with lettuce and knife blades are jutting out of it. It floats over to you, and you try talking to it.

 

SCOUT: uhhh
SCOUT: hey
BALLSPRITE: hello!
SCOUT: yeah
SCOUT: what exactly are you
BALLSPRITE: we are ballsprite!
BALLSPRITE: we are bounce! bounce is good!
SCOUT: okay
SCOUT: so do you have anything to say to me
BALLSPRITE: yes! we are round! balls is good!
SCOUT: oh god
SCOUT: are you even more useless than before
BALLSPRITE: we like bounce!
SCOUT: yknow what
SCOUT: how about you just go away and i can forget you ever existed
BALLSPRITE: but we want bounce! :(
SCOUT: wut
SCOUT: how the fuck did you do that
SCOUT: that frown thing
SCOUT: you dont even have a face

You continue this pointless banter for the next half hour.

Chapter Text

You are now Jane. You have managed to boot up your ancient second computer and are downloading the client disk at a snail’s pace.

unfalteringlyTenacious began pestering genuineUmbrage

UT: Hello Solly.
UT: You are having the game?
GU: Correct
UT: I want to know.
UT: Is Scout and everyone else be meeting us in the person?
GU: If our local greasemonkey is right
GU: And he always is
GU: Then yes
UT: Hmm.
UT: Although I do want to meet my friends.
UT: I am worried of seeing Scout. I am afraid that he will be like a screeching toddler as he often acts.
UT: I do not want to be always stopping myself from squishing his puny head.
GU: Well that makes two of us
GU: I wouldnt worry about him too much
GU: You can just tell UC or TM to have fun with Scout if he gets on your nerves
GU: That’ll shut him up real quick >:]
UT: I am harsh.
UT: But I am never be so cruel to do that to anyone.
GU: Anyway
GU: Who are you connecting to
GU: Ive already got my two people
UT: I wish to work with UC.
UT: He is dependable and my best friend.
UT: Even if he is making me nervous often.
UT: I would like to work with you but I can not.
UT: Dell hides behind his toys and UG is coward who does not show his face so no to them.
UT: I fear no man. But TM. He scares me.
GU: Hmph
GU: That little psycho probably lives in a room full of corpses
GU: I bet he thinks theyre just friends
GU: I dont know how Scout and UG talk to him without going crazy
UT: I might be wanting CU but he does not like me many.
GU: Pfft
GU: Dont worry about Crocodile Dumbee
GU: He just thinks hes too cool for any of us
UT: And AU is always too drunk.
UT: I cannot work with him.
UT: He is already not smart when he is without alcohol.
GU: Do not badtalk AU!!
GU: Hes a fucking genuis!!!!!
UT: Calm down, angry man.
UT: I only wish to work with someone who will be capable.
GU: CAPABLE?!?!
GU: I THINK WERE DONE HERE

genuineUmbrage [GU] ceased pestering unfalteringlyTenacious [UT]

UT: Crybaby.

You are angry again. alcoholUllage is by far your best friend in the world, and you do not take kindly to people talking shit about him. Even if he is usually drunk to the point of incomprehensibility. As you two were busy blatantly expediting your platonic relationships, your computer finished downloading Sburb. It finished sooner than you expected, swinging your capricious mood back into the positives again.

genuineUmbrage [GU] began pestering technologicalUlyssian [TU]

GU: Listen up maggot
GU: I have downloaded the game and am ready to fight
TU: It’s about time!
TU: Send me your client friend code.
GU: 9082135937129387
GU: So what are we gonna do
TU: The plan is to just get you into the medium as fast as possible; no distractions.
TU: After that, I can start working on architecture and you can kill all the monsters you want.
GU: Good
TU: Alright, let’s check this game out.

==>

You are now Scout. You are at your computer and trying to ignore Ballsprite, who is still blathering on about random bullshit.

umpireAbsconder [UA] began pestering technologicalUlyssian [TU]

UA: wtf dell
TU: Excuse me?
UA: my sprite is a retarded shit
UA: how do i kill it
TU: You’re not supposed to kill it.
TU: How did you manage to fuck up something as simple as getting a good sprite, Scout?
UA: uhh
UA: the imps sabotaged me and threw baseballs into my sprite
TU: Wow.
TU: To my knowledge, that’s unheard of.
UA: ikr
UA: now how do i kill this thing
UA: it wont shut up
TU: I don’t know what it’s like, but I assure you that it must be somewhat useful.
TU: The game would be pretty broken if it didn’t give you any tips or information.
UA: IT WONT
UA: FUCKING
UA: SHUT UP ABOUT BALLS
TU: Scout.
TU: Calm down.
TU: Just ignore it for now and I’ll give it a look at when we meet up.
UA: ok FINE
UA: btw
UA: do you know wuts up with the crystal thingys that the dead imps drop
TU: It’s stuff for building
TU: I really don’t have time right now, Scout.
TU: I’ll tell you what I know later.
UA: geezuz
UA: fine blow me off without a second thought hasty hank
TU: I’m not putting up with your attention seeking ploys.
TU: Now go talk to TM or something.

technologicalUlyssian [TU] ceased pestering umpireAbsconder [UA]

Chapter Text

TU: Where do you want me to deploy the devices?
GU: Put em in the living room
TU: Doe?
TU: Are you aware that your living room is full of dead raccoons?
GU: Dont worry those are just my pets
GU: Wait DEAD?!?

You are Jane. You charge out of your room and dash into the living room to find that all of your beloved raccoons have somehow perished. They are lying on their backs; tongues lolling out of their mouths. You drop to the floor in front of Sergeant Nibbles and lament what has happened. Around you, various instruments are dropped by Dell, but you ignore him. He starts poking you with a card in an attempt to get your attention. You still don’t care. A noise comes from upstairs, and then you see your laptop levitating over to you.

TU: Doe, we need to get you out of here as soon as possible.
TU: Dagnabbit.
TU: You better not spend the next hour crying.
TU: I know that this is sad, but you can worry about it once you’re through.
TU: Do I really need to bring you your computer just to contact you?
GU: SHUT UP
GU: YOU DONT UNDERSTAND
GU: YOU ALL UNDERSTAND
GU: I MEAN DONT UNDERSTAND
TU: I’m sorry you lost your pets.
TU: But please don’t give up because of some raccoons.
TU: You know, you can still bring one back to life and talk to it if you throw it into your sprite.
TU: I’m not sure if I would recommend that, but you’re the one choosing.
GU: I can?
GU: Wait I can!
GU: THANK YOU DELL

You run over to the cruxtruder, that device Scout used to get his sprite, and grab the handle. With your well-above average strength, you break it open and release your sprite in a green flash of light. The cruxtruder displays the time 2:30.

The kernelsprite hovers in front of you but you give it no time to do anything as you grab Sergeant Nibbles and hurl him into the orb. With a bright flash of light, the raccoon is absorbed. The sprite now has the head of a raccoon in the center of it along with a tail.

JANE: Sergeant Nibbles?
RACCOONSPRITE: ⍌⍇⍚⍙⍦⍸⎍⎐⏀⎵⎶⍾⍿⍹⍱⍰⍝⍒
JANE: What
RACCOONSPRITE: ⎏⎿⏃⏂⏓⏖⏔⏕⎔⍴⍾⍵
JANE: WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN
JANE: YOU ARENT MAKING ANY SENSE

GU: Dell
GU: Nibbles is making gibberish sounds
TU: Yep.
TU: It won’t be able to talk to you until you’re in the medium.
TU: WHICH IS ALL THE MORE REASON TO QUIT GOOFING AROUND AND ENTER ALREADY DAGNABBIT.
GU: Fine
GU: Ill do the stuff
GU: So
GU: Uhhhh
GU: Where do I start again
TU: *sigh*
TU: I’m gonna give you a sylladex card.
TU: I’ve already deployed it on that table over there.
TU: You stick it in the punch designix.
TU: Take the cruxite dowel from the cruxtruder and put into the punch designix.
TU: Take that and put it in the alchemiter and then destroy whatever comes out.
GU: All I understood was blahblahblahblahblah
GU: In other words
GU: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
TU: Wait, how much time do you have left?
GU: Uhh
GU: 6 seconds
TU: WHAT?!
TU: DOE YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!!!

As you realize what the timer means, your eyes widen.The clock goes from three to two to one.You hear a fiery sound outside and brace for impact. Suddenly, a red wave of light passes through your house as the sound of clockwork flows into your ears and everything. Just. Stops.

You open your eyes, realizing you’re alive. In a daze you walk to the window and look outside. A giant meteor hangs right above your house. Suspended. You don’t understand any of what’s happening, but you sure as hell don’t question it. Instead, you take the card and complete the tasks necessary to escape, remembering what Scout did. The alchemiter creates a small barrel which you break with your shovel.

Your house starts to glow, and then you leave the face of the Earth.