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Dex was appalled at how much hatred he held inside of him. It clawed at his insides, dug deep inside his skin, and ate away at his humanity.
And Fitz Vacker seemed to be the manifestation of all the hatred he had.
At the bitter age of 13, equipped with one sole friend and the exhaustion of dealing with three infuriating younger siblings, life had decided to wring one last laugh out of him by introducing Fitz into it.
The natural epitome of perfection, somehow barely 14, he managed to trigger every bone in Dex’s body. Everyone who had deemed him the target of bullying and mockery flailed around him like desperate vultures, and he smiled at them (lips twitching upwards gracefully and just the right amount of teeth, or in other words, one that belonged in all the rom-coms Dex had a guilty fascination with) and made polite small talk. Flaunting generations of immense wealth passed down the Vacker name with every step, he stood in direct contrast to Dex’s hard-earning family hell-bent on defying social norms. He walked with a natural confidence, had flying colors in every subject, and most annoying of all, had the most beautiful face Dex had seen.
Due to some subconscious decision he wasn't consulted in, Dex Dizznee now had a self-proclaimed (and definitely one-sided) rivalry with Fitz Vacker.
And he was intent on winning.
Dex doodled a cute little robot on the side margins of his page, listening to his history teacher with undivided attention. Unfortunately, that also meant he realised his intention to separate them into pre-assigned trios very clearly, and he sighed with frustration he started calling out names.
Fate was not on his good side, because he had been assigned with Fitz Vacker. Sophie was also with them, a small compensation, he thought.
So he had to sit with Fitz Vacker for two hours for the next three days and not combust. Alright, he could totally fucking not do that .
Yet, he was still a nerd, and still cared about his grades, and liked the fact that he’d at least have Sophie with him.
He had no choice, he realised. He was defeated.
___
Sophie, atrociously, did not mind. When he approached them {they used different pronouns back then} after class, anger written in the way he pulled the chair while settling in beside them, they were buzzing, a soft smile woven with an alien tenderness carved on their face.
That smile so indechiperable to Dex changed into one of amusement as they looked at him.
“I can’t believe that you hate him so much.” They remarked.
“What’s there to like?” he shot back. Sophie pressed their lips together, colour faintly visible on their cheeks.
“He’s not a bad person, you know.” they said, possibly for the hundredth time. Dex scoffed. All that perfection had to hide some degree of nastiness. Dex was sure of it.
“Why are you so defensive of Fitz Vacker?” He asked, with narrow eyes. They’ve been dancing around these few lines for a year now, and Sophie had grown tired of them a long time ago.
“Hey, Edaline promised she’d make ripplepuffs.” they said, poking him with their elbow. An obvious ploy, he knew, but it always worked.
“Thank fucking god.” Sophie laughed. Dex smiled too.
---
It hadn’t taken Dex long to realise why Sophie was so incredibly eager about their history project. Dex considered himself to be especially weak to good romances, as betrayed by all the hours he’d spent passionately discussing all the cheesy rom coms he liked to watch. They were syrupy sweet, a gentle, humorous upliftment of whatever plagues life inflicted on him.
This was the opposite of a good romance. This was a handful of salt on a gashing wound.
---
Dex never realised Fitz was faking his perfect smile until he saw what lay underneath. Sitting around Sophie’s dinner table, his leg twitching under the table, he watched as Sophie and Fitz melted into easy conversation.
“--like, I dont even know how, I accidentally fell into this guy’s lap. Like not getting a seat during a bumpy ride wasnt bad enough, I had to like, take support of him to stand up and it was so embarrassing!” Dex had heard this story before, it was one of many of Sophie’s tragic public accidents. So he watched Fitz, who listened intently, and when Sophie covered their face with embarrassment, started to laugh.
His laugh was clear, striking a chord inside Dex that scared him, and unwillingly sent a smile to his own face. But what bothered him more, only for a fleeting second, was that he’d never heard Fitz laugh before. There was something rare about this moment, he thought, and his mind thrummed with that realisation.
“You’re so terrible for laughing at that.” Sophie said, smiling with narrowed eyes and flushed cheeks.
“I’m sorry it’s just, so terribly funny.” Fitz smiled then, and it felt disconcerting, because nothing about this smile was perfect, it was all crooked and there were too many teeth and only half a dimple in his left cheek.
Suddenly he wasn’t so perfect.
(But god, wasn’t there something
so much more beautiful
about him now? )
---
When they’d turned the project in, Fitz had flashed him one of his ingeniune movie-star smiles and simply said, “It was a pleasure working with you.”
And that small remark felt so impersonal that Dex gritted his teeth when he turned away. And what bothered him further was that he didnt even know why .
(Maybe it was because during their time together,
Dex had managed to make Fitz smile like that again.
Maybe, somewhere, deep down,
his foolish brain expected things to be different now that Fitz knew he existed.
Why was that small change so thrilling?)
Two months later, Dex sat and watched Fitz steal away his best friend as he fought back tears.
It felt unfair. Fitz had taken away the only friend Dex had managed to make in all his pathetic years at this school. And now they sat beneath a tall tree, leaves tangled in their hair as they laughed about something he would never know of.
Marella sat beside him, her eyes fixed on the same scene.
"His smile makes him look weird. " She said, and when Dex's eyes focused on him ( lies, they were always on him ) he realised he was actually smiling.
(Dex hated that he thought Fitz looked cuter.
The absolute audacity. )
Now, lonelier and more bitter than before, Dex had so much more time to think. He thought of unravelling the secrets written in Wonderboy’s perfect smile.
And when it was late, and it was so much harder to lie to himself, he thought of growing closer to him. He thought of making him laugh the way he had. He dreamed of pinning Fitz against a wall with his fists, but then his mind would travel down unsavoury paths when realising how utterly close Fitz’s lips were to his.
Dex hated him. Dex hated him. Dex hated…
Sophie and Fitz broke up just a month later.
Yet the fantasies stayed, and it was so confusing, because Fitz would take up all his time, and yet, Dex would never even cross Fitz’s mind.
(And somehow that hurt the most.
The knowledge that he would never
care as much Dex did. )
Dex didn’t understand how one person could make him feel so much, make him feel so many different things at once.
Now, when he stared at Fitz, questions sprung from his own mind also demanded answers. Sometimes Fitz would glance back, and when their eyes locked, Dex could almost swear the answers were in his reach, but when he followed them, all he could think of was the way Fitz was now smiling at him. Did he spend time practicing that emotionless smile standing in front of a mirror?
Would any of it ever make sense?
"Dex. I need your help." Dex didn't need to look up to know who would be standing in front of him.
"What do you want?" Dex asked, chewing on his pencil as he stared at his assignment. Something in him mocked him, urging him to look up. Would Fitz be running his hand through his hair, or just standing there awkwardly?
"I need your help with…this subject."
Dex looked up.
Fitz placed his hand on his neck, avoiding his eyes.
"Why would you need my help?" Dex asked, and he wouldn't admit to anyone who asked that he felt surprised.
Fitz looked at him like the answer was obvious.
"Because you're the only one who can help me. You know, the constant competition that we have."
Dex stared up at him, a sudden burst of happiness rushing through his veins. He rarely received validation so incredibly affirming.
Dex's rivalry was no longer one-sided.
____
Sophie liked to stare at him like they had achieved some sort of enlightenment whenever he talked about Fitz.
At least, that's what they looked like right now, while he was lost in one of his tangents about him.
"What?" He asked them. Sophie shook their head and looked away.
"I don't think you're going to like the answer."
"That's for me to decide." He insisted. Still, Sophie hesistated.
"I…think you might have a tiny crush on Fitz." Dex stared at them for a while, like they’d just spilled bleach on him.
But the more horrifying part was the rational part of his brain was now shuffling around, connecting the pieces together. Slowly, it all came together, the painful yearning, the feverish obsession, the way his eyes would linger on him. Fitz was a lighthouse, and Dex was a lost man at sea, searching for a place to belong.
(And the only place he yearned to belong,
was beside him.)
Sophie looked at him, worry visible in the lines on their face, too early to be engraved there.
"I'm not trying to make fun of you, or something-"
Words clawed at his throat, but he need to say them out loud.
Say it.
"If I did, would that be …okay ?" The words were outside, even though they were barely a whisper, yet Sophie's eyes softened as they heard him.
"Yes, of course. You're my best friend. I love you and nothing will ever change that."
They held their hands out, and Dex leaned into them. This was rare for the both of them, but as they stroked his hair, Dex couldn't help but feel like it was the only answer he needed at that moment.
--
Time could be a blink of the eye or an eternity. It could pull your strings taut and make you come undone, or finally help you stand up.
For Dex, these past six months were spent healing.
After constantly running after answers, it felt like a breath of relief, a bittersweet way of letting your heart settle.
Dex liked boys and girls. But mostly boys. Yet he wasn't fully a boy. And yet that news wasn't really shocking either. What was absolutely horrible though, was that xyr gay awakening had to be Fitz Vacker. Nothing felt more humiliating.
But, Dex didn't know if he had it in him to hate Fitz anymore. He wasn't sure if xe ever did.
Love and hate were divided by a line that Dex hadn't learnt to draw before.
---
Sophie had new friends, and so did xe. He was relieved, in a way, that he'd stopped trying to fight (mentally, both Fitz and Biana were stronger than him) the Vackers all the time, because having Biana by xyr side was much better than the constant resentment ever felt by miles.
It felt like a wave of queerness had swept over all of his friends, and Dex was an enourmous fan of it. After feeling like something was inherently wrong and unnatural about xyrself for years, there was an overwhelming sense of relief knowing that they'd all huddled together in that unknown feeling. Like knowing the way home, but not knowing where it was yet.
Yet he always kept a distance from Fitz, even though xe didn't like him anymore.
He refused to elaborate why that was necessary, even to himself.
(But if xe really had to put it into words,
Dex's eyes would never stop seeking him.
Fear strangled xem at the possibility
of xyr foolish fascination turning into
something that he couldn't subdue anymore.)
But one day when he sat in a crowded restaurant, he was forced to sit beside Fitz. And pressed up against him, Dex couldn't help but smile like an idiot.
This has to stop.
---
They had a group chat, and Dex felt proud to say that xe didn't even have Fitz's number saved.
(But sometimes xe would still look at
his profile picture,
somewhat desperate to memorize the way
he looked in it.)
On the morning of Dex's birthday, he got a message from an unsaved number that Dex definitely didn't have memorized.
"Hey, happy birthday!
Glad to have you in our group
Hope you have a great year.
Looking forward to becoming closer friends with you. "
Dex left him on read.
The thing about ignoring people that you hung out with everyday, was that it was incredibly hard to do that.
So when Fitz gave xem cookies (I baked them at home! Hope you don't mind that they're a little crumbly though.) Dex felt like he'd be an absolute asshole if he didn't thank him properly.
So when Fitz's birthday rolled around, xe got him a gift too, three pretty bookmarks because xe happened to know Fitz liked reading.
Fitz's eyes brightened as he opened his gift, and Dex found himself smiling when he thanked him. Sophie decided to look at him like they were trying to extract his secrets all his secrets.
____
Dex decided good-looking people weren't allowed to spontaneously change their appearances without a warning.
Of course, that decision had nothing to do with Fitz’s new hair. His previous dark brown hair were now the colour of bubblegum, and he loved messing with it to flaunt the change. Dex was half-tempted to burn his hair.
(He was even more tempted
to run xyr fingers through Fitz's hair.
How would it feel to touch his soft hair?
Would it be as magical
as the way it glows in the sunlight?)
The longer he stared at Fitz, the more he was tempted to burn his hair.
----
Sophie was going to host a group movie night, but the only people who could show up were Biana, Fitz and Dex.
This was awfully convenient for Biana, who had a crush on Sophie.
It was, however, awfully inconvenient for Dex, who had a crush on Fitz.
So while Biana sat pressed up to Sophie on the sofa, whispering and occasionally laughing as they watched Little Women, Dex had to sit on the floor, sharing a popcorn bowl with Fitz. Halfway through the movie, Fitz leaned closer to him, and by the time it was done, Dex couldn't breathe because Fitz had his arm around his shoulder as he told him how to book was different.
Edaline had baked pink cupcakes that day, and Fitz had pink frosting under his bottom lip. Dex couldn't stop his eyes from wandering there, and he blamed his urge to reach up and wipe it off as the cause.
Dex couldn't remember the movie properly when he was home that night, but he could remember Fitz's favourite scene from the book.
___
Fitz now had the absolute audacity to text Dex without a reason, and Dex had the horrid responsibility of being friends with Fitz and responding. If he happened to spend hours laying in bed as he laughed at Fitz's shitty humour, well that was just an unfortunate consequence.
Fitz liked reading, and his favourite colour was pink. He liked classics and adored poetry. He had a quite audacious tendency to stay up till ungodly hours that went well with Dex's inability to be well-rested. His mouth of a consant stream of either incomprehensible sounds or words straight out of a poetry book, and there was no inbetween.
(Dex was fully aware of the fact that was xe completely, utterly, fully heads-over-heels for this complete imbecile.)
In hindsight, Dex was right, all those years ago, all that perfection had to hold to hold some "nastiness".
And all of it unravelled on a Sunday morning.
Dex spotted Fitz on his way back from dropping Rex off to a friend's house. And because he had free time to spare, Fitz dragged him along to a small restaurant with red seats and decorative plastic plants that sat on the table.
"This is my favourite restaurant." Dex ached to ask why, but even though he didn't, Fitz answered anyway.
"I like the familarity of the food. It reminds me of the way…my older brother used to cook when all three of us were home alone.”
Dex did not know Fitz had an older brother.
So he found out that Alvar had run away at 21, fresh out of college and extinct from the radar. He was probably 7000 miles away, waking up beside his boyfriend Ruy.
Fitz's family missed him terribly, but Alden didn't.
That's when another tear was made in his image.
Because Alden wasn't there with them either, but this time it was better that he was gone.
"Also I'm gay." Fitz said as they walked out the restaurant. Dex stumbled on a rock that Fitz would later swear was non-existent.
"Well…that explains Sophie." Fitz pressed his lips together, guilt painted on his face.
"Yeah, I felt terrible about that. Sorry I dumped your best friend."
"I don't think Sophie cares. They're gunning for Biana."
"It's more than a little hilarious to me that I was the straight bait all along."
This time, Fitz was the one watching him as he laughed.
"I don't think your role in this story was all that straight, considering, you know, me." Dex felt mortification stiffen every part of his body.
What the fuck did I just say?
Fitz froze.
"What?"
"I used to hate you!" Dex blurted out. If the earth was offering swallowing people up services, Dex had never been more desperate to try them.
"Wait what?"
"I just, I kind of thought you were perfect?" Dex said, immediately regretting his stupid words. Regret was a mild word, actually. Dex had a strong natural talent of fucking up colossally.
Why did I have to say that?
Fitz's brow tilted, and looked away to stare at something in the distance.
"Well, sorry to disappoint." He said, voice flat.
Dex wanted to punch himself. Extremely hard.
"Hey, listen, I was 13 and stupid and angry? It was never you." He took a deep breath, knowing that lane would just make it worse.
"What I mean to say is, I prefer you like this. You feel more human. More…appealing than perfection would ever have been." When Fitz finally looked at him, his eyes looked soft, their warmth akin to sunlight.
And when the wind rustled, his hair danced, and Dex's heart danced along with it.
But he did still, needless to say, feel like throwing himself off a cliff.
---
"Thanks for not judging me. And thanks, i guess, for liking me without the perfection part?" Fitz said, much later, his voice quiet yet grateful.
"Why would I judge you?" Dex asked, feeling strange about the truth his words held. Just a year ago, Dex wouldn't have said the same thing.
"It's just…I'm used to being seen as the boy with the broken family in front of everyone. People love talking, and when the rich and powerful family crumbles away to consist of a single brown mother and her girlfriend and three gay kids, well…"
"That's a field day for them." Fitz glanced up at him.
"My family gets trash talked a lot too. My parents don't like social norms." Then Dex told him more about himself, and Fitz didn't judge him either. After all, why would he? What would a broken seashell get from looking down upon another? After all, they were both worn down from the sea.
Fitz listened as fidgeted with his pink earrings, his eyes watching him with soft understanding.
"I'm sorry for that. The trash talking, I mean."
"It's okay." And it really was then, because it wasn't Fitz's fault, it never was.
The flawless picture built up in his head about Fitz frayed away to reveal a painting, handmade and imperfect but infinitely more captivating.
There was no way to pretend that his feelings had anything to do with hatred anymore.
And that was okay.
Dex never had to stop anything, except the urge to get rid of things that were meant to stay.
When Fitz said goodbye to him, Dex hugged him. Fitz stood there frozen, and Dex's heart hammered in his chest. But when Fitz finally relaxed, his arms pulled Dex even closer than they were before.
(Years ago, he'd had that this fantasy,
and watching Fitz ponder
a math question didn't tell him
how he'd feel to hold.
But standing there in his arms made
all the answers rush into his head.
Fitz's perfume carried
a faint whiff of vanila,
and his arms were a little awkwardly long,
wrapped snugly around Dex's waist.
With a smile, he realised,
He felt like home. )
They broke away after only five seconds, and when Fitz turned around to run away, he hadn't even said goodbye.
Mondays were fate's reminder that good things weren't meant to last. And that particular Monday resonated quite deeply with that idea.
Dex didn't see Fitz in the morning by their adjacent lockers, and he realised how awfully attached he'd gotten to the idea of Fitz telling him about his day there until he didn't have it.
But it was nothing, Dex told himself, as he moved on the class.
He saw Fitz thrice that day.
He didn't talk to Fitz even once.
---
Dex hated how dry his phone was without Fitz constantly sending him messages. Three months of "I am foaming at the mouth, why is this book so amazing?" and now all he got was silence.
---
The next day, Fitz sat at the farthest end of the table at lunch, and when Dex tried to walk with him to class, he politely told him he needed to get his books with that perfect, ingenuine, fake smile.
Dex wanted to scream.
---
By Wednesday, Dex watched Fitz quietly try, and fail, to slip away from their shared last class with misery echoing through every inch of him.
Dex hated every second he had to spend watching Fitz avoid his eyes.
It didn't help that all that hopelessness had accumulated in his throat, and even though he ached to run after him, ask him what was wrong, his throat wouldn't let a single word slip through.
So he waited for Sophie, angry, frustrated and miserable.
Even after hounding Biana about his behaviour, all ae could tell him was "he's being a little bitch go pull the truth out of his mouth.”
Sophie walked out of their class and ran up to him.
"No luck?" Sophie asked, brows furrowed in worry.
"No." Dex choked out. Then he cleared his throat.
"I'll murder him." He added. Sophie chewed on their lips.
"Do you think something happened that day? The last day he talked to you?" Dex stopped, and with wide eyes turned to face Sophie.
And oh. Why hadn't he realised before?
"Sophie. I'm fucked ." Dex’s hand held a sllight tremor as he placed them on his face.
"Wait, what happened?"
Dex recalled the whole day, and Sophie listened intently, a bittersweet smile on their face near the end.
"Dex, please talk to him. Something has to be wrong. The way he is around you,...well, he really adores you."
"Well, that's a little hard to..." He trailed off.
"It's just, he's so excited and free with you. It's very rare of him, you can tell he has a soft spot for you." Dex's chest filled with airy happiness, and it felt like a dream, because he wanted their words to be true so desperately. But it wasn't, because one slip-up had been enough to shatter all of it.
Then Sophie's eyes lit up, and with sudden energy, they leaned forward,
"And I think I might be able to help."
___
So the plan was decided. Fitz would be lured into a trap with promises of no Dex, but in fact, an unexpected Dex would be the only thing he would find.
Dex, had by now, amassed some newfound resentment towards Fitz. If he had realised that Dex liked him, well, Dex thought xe deserved a polite rejection, not certainly one where Fitz abandoned all sense of civil behaviour.
He sat waiting in a small bakery that they'd walked into about a month ago, and it felt strange to back here with frustration building in xyr chest instead of the gradual unravellment he'd felt that day, meeting crinkled eyes and turning away because they held too much warmth.
Xe spotted Fitz as he walked in, a smile on his face, flaunting a loose pink sweater. But as soon their eyes met, he turned away immediately, running his hand through his hair frantically, and also simultaneously driving a cleaver into Dex's heart.
Dex narrowed his eyes at Fitz ,who took entirely too long to come sit in front of him.
"Uh, hi. where are…the others?" Fitz asked, looking anywhere but at him.
"They couldn't come." He said. Both of them saw through that lie.
"I ordered your favourite for you." Dex's voice was flat.
"Uh, thank you." Fitz said, awkwardly poking the dessert.
Briefly, Dex wondered if it was socially acceptable to push Fitz against a wall and glare at him.
"Dex, what is this? It isn’t fair." Fitz said when the silence had got too suffocating, but his words made him wish they were still being choked.
" Fair ? What about the way you've been acting this past week?"
"What the-"
"You've been avoiding me all week. No texts whatsoever. Just because of one slip up!" Dex paused, hoping he'd say something. When he didn't, he took a deep breath.
"I deserved to be turned down with proper human dignity, I'm sorry for thinking we were friends -"
"We are friends ! I just, it's hard for me to talk to you because I, because I-" Dex's fingers clenched under the table as tears stung his eyes.
"Oh I'm so fucking sorry for inconvieniencing you with my feelings -"
"What?" Fitz spoke softly, his eyes wide.
"Don't pretend like you don't know!" Dex's voice louder than xe wanted it to be.
" What do you mean?" Fitz looked genuinely confused, and horrified, Dex realised that he might not have realised .
"You don't…know?"
"No? What slip-up are you talking about? I don't have a clue what you've been talking about the past few moments!" Dex wanted to laugh. Xe wasn't going to fucked over like this.
"Then why were you avoiding me?"
"Because I like you!"
"What?"
"I'm sorry, but I'm scared, okay? It…wasn't supposed to last this long. And, I thought, maybe if I avoided you, it would go away."
"I know you probably don't like me back, in fact, you probably barely tolerate me, and I don't know why I didn't see that before." Dex winced.
"Why do you think that?"
"You said it yourself, you hate me." Dex held felt a little light-headed. He could break Fitz. But undeniably, xe would break himself too.
"I lied." Dex reached over and took Fitz's hand, and he'd be damned if he tried to hold back now.
"I never hated you." And xe channelled all the courage xe had, all those stupid fantasies with a happy ending. This is one of them, he hoped.
"I love you. I lied, not just to you, but to myself." And Fitz's eyes widened, a gentle awe written in the way he was beginning to smile.
"I hated the fact that you mattered so much to me, even when I wasn't even a part of your life."
Dex met his eyes as Fitz squeezed his hand, and that same softness was back, but now it was everwhere in Fitz, in the crinkle surrounding his eyes, the way his hand felt in xyrs.
"Is this real?" Fitz asked.
"I fucking hope so." Fitz laughed, and Dex's heart floated up to the heavens, if it wasn't there already.
Fitz stood up and took both xyr hands. He pushed him closer and held his hands out. Dex surgerd forward.
"I love you too." He said, when Dex's head rested on his shoulder. Dex felt like xe couldn't breathe as xe laughed, happiness spreading through every single inch of him.
Dex melted in his arms and closed xyr eyes with a sigh, because he was home.
***
Sometimes he would find himself smiling, because Dex was surprised at how much love his heart could hold. It spread through him like honey, made the stars shine brighter and healed all the scars etched inside his head.
Dex pulled Fitz closer to xem, placing his forehead onto his boyfriend's. He looked at xem, a soft smile spreading across his face. His pink hair fell into his eyes, and Dex reached up and ran his fingers through it.
“Bitch.” Dex said, and Fitz laughed as he kissed his cheek.
(Dex would make him smile like that,
over and over again.
When they woke up in the morning,
Dex would watch the sunlight stream
into xyr room and fall in love
all over again.
Dex read all his favourite books,
and Fitz cried every time
when they watched all
of his favourite rom- coms.
Fitz would hold him, so gentle and warm,
like xe was the only thing that mattered,
and Dex would finally believe it.)