Kris didn’t know what to think of the cluster of photo’s he saw before him on the screen of his computer, his heart and his mind warring back and forth as to how it had happened and what it would mean now that it had. His life was about to change yet again in a huge way and truth be told he wasn’t sure what to think about it. On the one hand he was happy that the truth, so to speak was out there and yet he was fucking petrified that the truth, so to speak was out there as well that he found it almost impossible to breathe. “Well if people didn’t know we were together before…they sure as hell will know now won’t they?” He jumped at the voice he heard behind him, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before turning to face the man he had been living with for the previous six months, dating for the previous year. “Are you ok?” He asked Kris, kneeling down before him, his eyes full of fear as he took his trembling hands into his own. “You know we can deny this even happened. We can tell them it was photo shopped or something like that”
“I don’t think anyone could look at those pictures and say that they are anything but real” He smiled, trying to make it seem light, like he didn’t care, but he knew he was failing at the look on his boyfriends face.
“I’m sorry…” He watched as Roberto moved away, shoulders slumped as he walked into their bedroom and closed the door behind him.
“Fuck…” He muttered under his breath as he turned off the computer and went after him “Why are you apologizing?” He asked, stripping his shirt off, then his jeans before crawling under the covers next to the silent man. “Bertie…talk to me” He whispered his lover’s nickname as he invaded his personal space.
“It’s just that we’ve never talked about coming out about us and now it’s out there for the world to see. I just don’t want you to hate me or for this, to break us up because I love you and….”
“Hey breathe…” Kris placed his finger across Roberto’s lips, unsure of what he was going to say, but not wanting to hear anymore words of love. “In those pictures there is no doubt who is molesting who” He said with a small smile, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I know we’ve never talked about it, but it’s out there and now we just have to deal with it. I haven’t been able to get rid of you for this long, what’s the use of trying now” He meant it as a joke, but he could tell by the look of shock staring back at him, quickly replaced by sadness, that Roberto hadn’t taken it that way. “I didn’t mean it like that” He tried to amend.
“I know…” He was cut off, before he could dig his ditch of bullshit any deeper. “We need to talk about this but not right now. I think that we should get some sleep and then decide what to do in the morning” Kris felt like total pond scum as he watched the man that loved him roll over, pulling the covers up to his neck as a silence quickly surrounded them. He wanted to say something more, but he had nothing as he rolled onto his own side, shut off the light next to the bed and closed his eyes. He could hear his cell phone ringing in the other room, but he ignored it, already knowing that it was probably his manager, his friends or family wanting to know what the hell was going on in Kris’s life. Some had been privy to his secret life, others, his manager for instance had not and he knew that there was going to be hell to pay now that it was out there.
“Your mangers on the phone” He heard Roberto say bright and early the next morning. “She sounds pissed” He added, handing Kris the phone before he trudged off and left him alone.
“Hello…” He said grumpily, the phone to his ear as he rolled over and pressed his face into the pillow wishing like hell that the comfortable warmth would just suck him in and never let him go again.
“Are you on crack?” He heard her scream; his head starting to pound because he knew that he was going to be hearing things like that all day long. “Are you listening to me you little shit?’ He heard her scream even louder, knowing that he didn’t have to answer as she continued to yell and curse at him until she couldn’t any longer. “You are so lucky that the label doesn’t just fire you on the spot” Her hoarse voice threatened before the line went dead.
“You look like you’ve been run over by a steamroller” He heard his lover speak several hours later after he had listen to each and every important person in his life tell him how crazy he was, every important person except for one.
“A hundred times over” He mumbled from the bed he hadn’t left all day except to use the bathroom.
“Yeah…” Roberto said quietly as he sat down on the edge of the bed. “I made some dinner if you’re up for it”
“I’m not hungry”
“You need to eat Kris”
“Can I just be alone for a bit” He said, sitting up and rubbing his tired eyes. “I need to call Adam”
“You haven’t heard from Adam in years. Why the hell would you want to call him now?” There was accusation to Roberto’s words and Kris knew he deserved it, but he didn’t care. It was true that he hadn’t spoken to Adam in a very long time, but the truth was out there and after the last time they had been together he knew that Adam would be loaded with confusion and then anger. He knew that their friendship was on extremely shaky ground, if they even had a friendship any longer, but he couldn’t help himself because he knew that if it were to end once and for all his life would pretty much not be worth living any longer. He was exhausted nearly an hour later after trying to call Adam’s cell phone over and over and reaching his voice mail each and every time. He felt old as dirt as he pulled himself out of his bed, cursing the bright light as he opened the door and entered the living room. “Where are you going?” He called out after his lover as he watched him heading for the door of their apartment.
“Out…” He spat over his shoulder.
“Don’t you think that we need to talk about this?” Kris said, knowing that he had no right to be angry, but feeling it just the same.
“Why…you didn’t seem to want to talk about it before” Roberto yelled as he turned to face Kris. “I should have been the first person you spoke to about this…not fucking Adam Lambert”
“Adam wasn’t the first person I spoke to about this and besides I haven’t spoken to Adam at all” He sighed, shuffling over towards the couch before falling back on it. “I’m sorry and you’re right. I should have talked to you about this last night. Come here” He held out his hand, already knowing that Roberto would crave because when it came to Kris and what he wanted, he always did. “I’m sorry Bertie” He snuggled into his chest the moment he sat down beside him, knowing once again that he had no right to seek comfort from the man he had hurt yet again.
“It’s ok” Roberto caved just as Kris knew he would, making him feel even more horrible and small then had already felt. “So what do you want to do?”
“Nothing…it’s out there now and honestly I’m glad because now it means that I don’t have to hide who I am anymore” Kris replied, somewhat telling the truth, but knowing it was the right thing to do.
“Do you mean that?” Roberto asked, pushing Kris forward in order to look him dead in the eyes. “You have no idea how much flack you are going to get from the press about this”
“You’ve pretty much put yourself back in the closet since I met you it’s the least that I can do” He replied with a shrug of the shoulders.
“I don’t want you doing this for me Kris. You need to do this for you. If you want to come out then come out but if you don’t then we need to get your manager back on the phone and decide how we are going to angle this”
Kris thought about his words for a few moments before deciding that he really didn’t want to hide his sexuality any longer as well as the man who had been there at his side without fail for the previous year. “It’s what I want to do” He smiled, a real smile as he allowed himself to be kissed happily by Roberto. He still felt bad, knowing that his coming out wasn’t for all the right reasons, but at least a part of him was happy to not have to hide who is was any longer. “I love you” He heard his lover whisper against his ear. “Me too” He replied half-heartedly because the truth was he wasn’t sure what he felt for Roberto. Sure, he cared for him, but he wasn’t sure if it was more than that or if it could never be more than that. He had only ever loved one person so passionately in his life and that relationship had never even had the chance to get off of the ground before it was over and he was left heartbroken and a complete mess of a man.
“I can’t believe she’s out there again” Allison cried out in shock as her and a few of the other Idol’s watched from their current venue as a lone woman stood outside with picket signs, screaming at the top of her lungs about the evil that was Adam Lambert.
“This is like the fifth show that she’s been to” Lil cried out, grabbing onto Allison before she could shout out obscenities at the woman as she has done at the previous three shows. “Leave it baby girl. You’re not helping when you do things like that. It only encourages them to work even harder to spread their hate”
“It’s just not fair” The red head cried out, pushing herself away from the door in order to curb the instinct to protect her Adam. “Adam’s a great guy. Who gives a shit if he’s gay or not?”
“Lots of people do” Danny piped up, ignoring the dirty looks the younger girl sent his way before leaving altogether.
“Jerk…” Allison mumbled under her breath. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he was the one that was paying her travel expenses” She hissed, glaring after the extremely religious man.
“What are you guys looking at?” Adam asked as he and Kris walked over to where Lil and Allison were. “Jesus fuck…her again” Adam sighed, rubbing his head at the slight pain ebbing there. “You’d think she’d find something else to do besides stalk me and preach the evils of my being gay” He tried to make light of it, but despite how many times he had come up against hatred of that sort, it still hurt him deep inside. “No worries…tonight is the last show and then she can hopefully find someone else to stalk. Come on rehearsal should have started twenty minutes ago”
“I don’t know how you deal with it” Allison sighed as she allowed Adam to lead her away from the door. “Kris…” She cried out when she looked around and didn’t see him. “Adam…” She nudged her friend, pointing towards her other friend as he stood before the glass door, his face showing nothing but pure anger.
“Go on…I’ll talk to him” Adam urged the two women forward, giving them his most encouraging smile before walking over towards Kris. “She’s not worth it you know” He said as he leaned against the glass surface, a smile on his face as he tried to pretend that her words of hate didn’t affect him.
“How can you stand it?” Kris asked as he looked up at the taller man. “How can you just stand there and let her say those things about you and not want to go over there and rip her face off?”
“I’ve been dealing with people like that for a long time Kris. I’m not going to say that it doesn’t bother me, but I refuse to let it detour me from my goals of ruling the world” He smiled for real as he said those words, wrapping his arm around Kris’s shoulder and giving him a full body hug.
“I can see you doing it too” Kris smiled up at him, his heart beating just a little bit faster at the smirk and wink he received in reply. “You’re shameless. You know that right?”
“One of my many charms” He grinned even wider, leading Kris away from the scene outside. “Come on my lovely, we have rehearsal and then a whole week of freedom before the start of our new lives begins”
“Yeah…freedom” Kris sighed sadly, knowing that his time with Adam was coming to an end. He knew that they were still going to be friends, but he also knew without a shadow of a doubt that once they left that venue that tonight that their time together was going to be hard to come by. After the show he was going home for a few days to spend time with this wife Kathy as well as his family and Adam was going to spend time with his own family as well. He didn’t know why, but that thought alone made him sad as he wrapped his free arm around Adam’s waist, leaning into the firmness of his body as they walked away from the ignorance going on outside.
The show was over before either one of them knew it, tears bleeding down everyone’s faces as the entire idol cast stood together in one room saying goodbyes and remembering many of the crazy exploits that had gone on while on tour. “You all have my number so don’t forget to check in from time to time and let me know how you are doing” Lil was the first to leave, her family standing in the doorway as she hugged and kissed everyone goodbye. “I think that I am going to miss you most scarecrow” She sniffled reaching forward and wiping the tears dripping down Adams face. “Don’t you ever let them bring you down. You are amazing and beautiful and the world is at your fingertips” She whispered against Adam’s ear as she held him close. “Don’t let him slip away Adam. It may not be the right time now, but it’s meant to be I just know it” She ignored the wide eyed look she got from the man, hugging Adam and kissing him on the cheek quickly before she rushed towards her family.
One by one the cast left until it was just Adam and Kris. “I can’t believe that it’s over already” Adam sighed as he sat down on one of the couches in the room, pulling Kris into his arms when he sat down beside him. “I don’t want this night to end” He sighed deeply again, inhaling the smell of sweat, shampoo and cologne that clung to Kris’s hair, making him long for his best friend before he had even gone. “Promise that we will always be friends, that we won’t just say we will keep in touch but that we actually will”
Kris wanted to cry as he curled into Adam’s chest, arm hung loosely over his waist as they held onto each other. “I promise” He replied softly, burrowing in just a bit further, knowing that Kathy was waiting in his dressing room for him, but unwilling to waste one single second left with the man he knew he had fallen a little bit in love with over the previous months. “I’m going to miss you” He finally found the will to look up, his eyes closing at the look of pain he saw staring back at him.
“I miss you already” He heard Adam sob as they shifted together, Adam’s arms around his waist, and Kris’s arms around his neck, just holding onto each other. “You better go” Adam’s sad voice broke the silence that had surrounded them at the clearing of a throat from the doorway. “We were just saying goodbye” He smiled over at Kris’s wife, his heart breaking a bit more, but he pushed it aside as he got up from the couch, taking Kris with him as he walked towards her. “Make sure you take care of him” He smiled, hugging the woman quickly before pulling back. “You know he can’t do shit for himself” He winked, his face showing nothing but happiness, but his heart breaking and shriveling into a million pieces as he hugged Kris once again and practically ran from the room in order to hide his crumbling façade.
Kris didn’t see Adam at first as he and Kathy made their way out into the back area of the venue, a familiar shouting of hatful words from the woman protesting in front of the venue earlier converging on them the minute they entered where the cars were waiting. Turning his head, he found Adam looking as if he were deflating in front of everyone, his normal boisterous demeanor fading before his very eyes.
“Sinner…” The woman screamed, holding up two signs with Adam’s name on them, declaring for everyone around them to see just how evil he was. “You’re going to go to hell for your ways Adam” She continued to yell, Kris’s blood pressure rising with each word. “Repent and become one with the lord and maybe he will take mercy on you and save your soul”
Kris lost it right then and there as he rushed across the parking area, grabbing the two signs from the hateful woman and throwing them on the ground. “How dare you say such things about Adam” He roared, not caring that he had a crowd or that there were cameras and reporters surrounding him. “If anyone is going to go to hell it sure as hell won’t be him you bitch. God teaches us to love one another and to be accepting of everyone, not to judge them with your fucking hatred”
Both Adam and Kathy were too shocked to do much of anything as they watched Kris continue to yell and scream at the shocked woman. However, that didn’t last long as she got over her shock, screaming at Kris about how he was going to hell as well, going so far as to call him a cock sucker himself. “KRIS…NO…” Adam screamed, running over towards his friend as he watched his arm go up, preparing to strike her. “What the fuck are you doing?” He asked, jerking Kris away from her and into his arms. He had never seen his friend so angry, so wound up and upset and it made him love him a bit more, but it also frightened him at the same time.
“She can’t say those things about you Adam” Kris muttered against Adam’s chest, his eyes full of tears as the shock of what he had been about to do rushed over him. “You’re brilliant and amazing and she just can’t say those things about you” He repeated, his emotions flying a hundred different ways as he stepped back and looked up at the quiet man. “You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met. You’ve taught me things about myself that I didn’t know and you can’t have any idea how much that means to me” His words were true and defiant as he placed both hands on the side of his face, going up onto his toes as he kissed Adam good and hard. He felt Adam hesitate for a second before strong arms wrapped around his middle and pulled him in even closer. Adam kissed Kris with every ounce of love he had held in secret since meeting him, proving to himself, the people surrounding them and Kris just how much he truly felt for the smaller man
The gasps of the crowd forced Adam back into reality as he pushed Kris away, ignoring the look of hurt and upset he found staring back at him. “What are you doing?” He questioned quickly, his eyes darting back and forth, his heart breaking at the shell shocked look of Kris wife’s face as she stood away from them. He wanted to run to her and tell her it had been a mistake, that her husband hadn’t kissed him right there in front of her and that he hadn’t kissed him back, but he knew that he couldn’t. He wanted to tell her it was a joke, a prank, that it meant nothing, but he knew he couldn’t do that either. Instead he just mouthed the word sorry, looking back at Kris quickly before running off towards the car waiting for him. He knew that he should have stayed and dealt with the aftermath, but the drama queen in him had decided to go and hide somewhere in the corner and he was left defenseless without it.
The backlash from the incident barely made a bleep in the news the next day and for that Kris was grateful, but at the same time it made him feel more then and little bit sad and yet he didn’t know why. He and Kathy had fought long and hard into the early morning after they had arrived at their hotel and he was more then a little exhausted because of it. Several hours afterwards she had given up trying to understand how it was that her husband, the man that she loved had kissed another man right in front of her and went and asked for another room to sleep in.
“Are you awake?” He read on the display of his cell phone as it vibrated on the nightstand beside the bed.
“Yeah…” Was his simple response, his emotions not as simple as he sat up, closed his eyes and wished for a calmness to wash over his exhausted body.
“Are you alone?” Another text.
“Kathy moved into another room”
“She’s pissed huh?”
“Just call me”
“I don’t regret what I did” He said into the phone the moment it rang in his hand, the silence near deafening as he waited for Adam to speak.
“I don’t regret it either” He heard Adam finally say softly. “The truth is that I’ve wanted to kiss you like that for a very long time” He admitted, rubbing at his tired and bloodshot eyes.
“How long?” Kris asked, knowing that he shouldn’t push, but unable to stop himself.
“From the moment I laid eyes on you that first day” He continued with his truths because they had been bottled up inside of him for far too long. “I started this journey because I wanted to find fame and fortune, but never did I expect to find love and I do love you Kristopher” The words hurt to say because he knew he shouldn’t be saying them, but he couldn’t stop himself and what he was about to say next. “But this changes nothing. You’re married and you love your wife and you need to see that through”
“What if I don’t want to see it through? What if I tell you that I love you too and that…”
“Do you really love me Kris? I mean, love me as in head over heels in love with me?”
“I don’t know what kind of love it is” He answered honestly. “But I do know that I love you Adam, that I care about you”
“See that’s a problem, because I know that I’m head over heels in love with you” Adam sighed, closing his eyes at the hitch of breath he heard coming across the line. “You made a commitment to Kathy the moment you spoke those vows to her and you have to follow through and see where that path leads you” His heart was breaking as he curled up under the covers, forcing back the tears that were threatening to spill down his cheeks.
“What if I want to choose a different path?” Kris responded, lying on his back as he stared up at the ceiling. “American Idol led me down this path…to you and…”
“And nothing” Adam stopped him. “I love you Kris and I know you love me, but it’s not the kind of love that you’re willing to give everything up for and I understand that” He added hesitantly, not really sure if he did understand anything at all about their impossibly fucked up relationship.
“You don’t know what I’d be willing to give up for you” Kris snapped, curling deeply into him self because he knew that despite his feelings for Adam, it wouldn’t be very much at that time.
“I know that you’re not willing to give up everything that we’ve worked so hard for” Adam said, taking a deep breath at what he was about to do and say. “I know because I’m not willing to give up all of those things for you either” He bit his lip, still holding his tears at bay at the hitch of breath he heard again. “It’s what we started out to do and it’s what we have to finish. Just promise me this one thing”
“What?” Kris sobbed, not caring the Adam could hear the pain and tears.
“Just promise me that if your marriage to Kathy doesn’t work out that I’m the first one you call. Our lives are about to change so much Kris, but the part of me that loves you won’t ever change”
Kris wanted to fight him, but he knew deep down that Adam was right. “I promise. I love you so much Adam, don’t ever doubt that or forget it” He sobbed even harder, severing the line as he threw the phone across the bed, losing himself in the pain of his shattered heart.
Kathy watched from across the room as her husband, the man that she loved sobbed uncontrollably on the bed. She tried to tell herself that what she heard wasn’t true, that her ears had been playing tricks on her, but as Kris moaned Adam’s name from across the room, she knew that it was in fact truth. Anger took over the sadness and shock as she vowed to make Kris pay for his betrayal of their love, as well as Adam Lambert for bringing out a side of Kris she had hoped would have stayed hidden from his past. She wasn’t going to use blackmail or even physically hurt them. She knew that the only way to hurt both of them was to latch her hooks into Kris once and for all and never let him go again. She would play the role of the good wife, the kind and contented wife, but deep down she knew that she would be in for one hell of a fight. She knew that Kris had been with men before and yet those few indiscretions felt like nothing compared to the one being shared between her husband and Adam. They had broken up for a few months at the beginning of their freshman year in college, because Kris had told her of his confusion over his attraction to the opposite sex. He told her that he needed to figure that side of himself out and broke up with her. He had only been with two men before he came crawling back to her, begging and pleading for her forgiveness. She had wanted to fight him, but as he stood before her tearful and frightened she found herself caving in. He had asked her to marry him right afterwards and she had accepted without hesitation because she loved Kris, hoping that that part of his life was over once and for all. He had never talked about it, so she was hopeful as they started their lives out together, but she could see that that part of his life was far from over.
Kris was a complete wreck as they flew home the next day, knowing deep within his heart that he should tell Kathy about his feelings for Adam, but the words not able to find their way past his lips. He knew that he loved Adam more then Kathy, but the fear of the unknown hindered him from doing anything more then sit back and allow his sham of a marriage continue. He tried to make it work at the beginning, giving into Kathy’s every whim, but he could tell that something was off with her. At first he thought that she might know about his betrayal, but when she started asking for a baby instead of demanding he come forth with his hidden truth, he allowed himself to relax, somewhat. The idea of a child frightened him to his very core and it wasn’t because he didn’t want children, but that he knew that if he had a child with Kathy that he would be bound to her and that child for the rest of his life. He knew it sounded selfish, but he couldn’t stop himself. Sure he wanted children, he had since he had started thinking about his future with Kathy, but his future had changed so much since meeting Adam and he knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was the one that he wanted to raise children with. The thought made him smile and happy inside, but it didn’t last long at the realization that he had no idea if Adam would want to raise children with him. The truth was that as much as he liked to think that he knew Adam, he truly didn’t know some of the more important things of his life, like if he wanted to every marry and raise a family with someone like him. He fought her off for nearly a year and a half before he got some devastating news and then he just gave up and allowed the chips to fall where they may.
Tears of heartbreak and pain bled from his eyes as he read the headline over and over again on his laptop, unable to believe what he was seeing right before his eyes. “Music sensation Adam Lambert married his long time lover in a not so private ceremony this weekend…” It began, but he couldn’t get any further as he threw the laptop across the room, angrier then he had ever felt in his lifetime. “Kathy…” He cried out, wiping his hand across his eyes in order to erase the tears there before stomping off in search of his wife. “Kathy…” He screamed again.
“What Kris…” She replied as he strode into the kitchen where she was washing the dishes. She didn’t have a chance to say anything else as he took her right then and there fucking her so hard and so fast that neither could move much afterwards. His mind kept flashing back to the headline that had broken him earlier as Kathy cuddled and cooed in his ear as they laid on the kitchen floor afterwards.
“I’m ready now” He heard himself saying, closing his eyes as Kathy kissed him happily. He felt a little bit of himself die that day as he gave up on the notion that he and Adam would ever be together.
“Kathy and I couldn’t be happier” Adam heard Kris say with a huge smile on his face as he talked to a reporter several months later. “I’ve always wanted to be a father and we are both excited for the day that he or she comes into our lives” He smiled even wider, but to Adam it seemed as if the smile was forced, painful even. He wanted to call Kris, wanted to scream and yell that he had no right to be having a baby with that woman, but he forced himself to put the phone down. Tears bled from his eyes as he muted the sound but continued to watch the man before him, the man that he still loved so much. He wanted to be angry at Kris, but he knew he couldn’t as he looked down at the gold band on his finger. He had waited two years for Kris to come for him, finally giving up hope and marrying his current boyfriend in a drunken ceremony that he could hardly remember. They hadn’t tried to hide it, the paparazzi getting a special invitation as to the where and the when. He had only one purpose in mind and that was to hurt Kris for not coming for him, the problem was that he was the one that got hurt instead when not even a week later he and his new husband received a wedding present from Kris and Kathy and a card wishing them the best of luck.
“Hey…isn’t that your friend Kris from your Idol days?” He heard his husband speak as he walked into the room and sat down beside him. “Why is it that you don’t talk to him anymore?”
“Were both too busy” Adam replied quickly, pinning his back to the couch and making use of his mouth other then talking, because he wanted nothing less then to be talking about the love of his life to the man he had bonded his life to.
“I’m sorry Mr. Allen, but we tried everything we could to save your child” Kris heard the doctor say as he sat in the waiting room of the hospital a few months after the interview. He felt nothing but numbness and shock as he nodded in response before heading towards the room that held his wife.
“I want a divorce” Kathy said the moment he entered the room, tears streaming down her face as his and her family surrounded her. He didn’t say anything as he looked around the room, five sets of eyes staring at him with ranges of anger, pity and understanding. He continued to remain silent as he nodded to her as he had the doctor and walked away. He found himself a moment later sitting on the floor in the stall of the hospitals bathroom, his heart broken as he cried silently. Removing the phone from the clip on his belt, he dialed a number he hadn’t called in several years, hoping and praying that the person would answer because he needed to hear his voice, no matter what he had to say to him after so much time apart. ***You have reached a line that has been disconnected*** He heard a computers voice say, the tear factor and his heart break driving up yet another notch as he sobbed uncontrollably on that same floor.
“Give her whatever she wants” Kris told the lawyer several weeks later as he sat across a table from his soon to be ex wife as they tried to divide up their assets. “I don’t care. I don’t want any of it” He cut the man off before he could say anything, getting up and leaving the room quickly afterwards.
“Kris…” He heard Kathy call out after him as he turned to face her. “I don’t want everything, just the house back home and some money to get me back on my feet. I don’t want to be the bad person here Kris, but we both know that this marriage has been broken for a long time”
As expected no words came as Kris nodded in understanding before walking away. He felt that he would be alone for the rest of his life. Reading about Adam and his husband in the gossip magazines and seeing them on television, only seemed to add to this. He mourned over the loss of his child, the marriage that had been a joy and a curse at different times of his life and the realization that he and Adam would never be together. He had resigned himself to the single life, but then fate stepped in and proved him wrong.
He had met Roberto nearly six months later at a recording session. He was friends with one of the production people and was visiting for the day. Kris felt an instant attraction to him the moment he laid eyes on him and he could tell that the feelings were more then mutual at the hungry looks he had been receiving all day. Roberto had dark hair and beautiful eyes that sparkled along with a blinding smile that took his breath away. Immediately his mind fell to Adam but he pushed it away because Adam was married to someone else and by what he had seen on the TV and read in the gossip magazines, he was happy and living the glamorous life. They ended up sleeping together later that night at Roberto’s apartment, Kris thinking of another man with dark hair and beautiful eyes as he came crying out the wrong name.
“So the rumors are true about you and Adam?” Roberto asked as he laid beside Kris, both of them panting like mad after the monstrous fuck session.
“I didn’t mean to do that” He at least had the decency to feel bad as a blush raced across his already reddened skin. “And no the rumors are not true. Adam and I never slept together”
“You may have never slept together, but you can’t tell me that there aren’t feelings there” Kris hated that his new friend was so observant, but unwilling to talk about it he decided to distract him.
As Roberto came for the third time that night at Kris’s hands, he found that he didn’t want to know or could have cared less about the relationship between Kris and Adam Lambert. He had felt an instant attraction to Kris from the moment he had met him and was determined to see where that could take him next. Where it took him was that he never left Kris’s side that night, both of them spending the entire weekend locked behind closed doors as they fucked each other over and over again until they were too tired to do anything but pass out from exhaustion. He was never very far from Kris’s side after that, eventually moving into Kris’s apartment not even three weeks later. He knew that Kris didn’t love him or maybe even like him, but he had a strong determination and for him that was enough to ignore the sad faces and fake indifference whenever he saw Adam on screen or in print or heard his name about town.
“Are you sure that you want to do this?” Roberto asked as he and Kris stood in the hallway of their apartment preparing to go out for the day.
“I’m sure” Kris rolled his eyes, pretending to be sure despite the fact that his insides felt as if they were twisting in his stomach and he wanted to vomit. “The pictures are out there and it’s time that the world know that you are more then just some man I was caught practically fucking on a dance floor” He forced a laugh as he reached out and wrapped his arms around his lover. “However…if you want to take this back into the bedroom instead”
“No! We have to do this” He said a little too loudly, causing Kris to look up at him in confusion.
“Ok…so where are we going?” Kris asked, taking a deep breath as they exited their home
“It’s a surprise” Kris thought that Roberto looked sad for a moment, the smile on his face seeming almost forced as if trying to say something to him, but what he had no idea.
“You really want to eat here?” He asked thirty minutes later as they sat in a parking garage across the street from what he knew to be Adam’s favorite restaurant. He didn’t get a response as Roberto got out of the car and began walking away. Panic filled him for a moment as he climbed out as well, wondering what he would do if he were to run into Adam. Would their be screaming and yelling or would Adam be so happy to see him that he would pull him into his arms and vow to never let him go again. He had to admit that the second idea completely appealed to him, but then he remembered reading somewhere that Adam was out of town working on a new music video, not that he kept up on his activities or anything. “Hey wait up” He cried out towards Roberto’s retreating figure, grabbing onto his hand and forcing him to turn around. “Are you ok?” He asked, but he could tell just by looking at his face that he was anything but ok.
“I love you Kris” He rushed out, curling their combined hands into his chest. “I just wanted to say it to you one last time before we do this”
“I know you do” Kris replied automatically, knowing that it was not what he wanted to hear, but still unable to say it.
“Come on, lets go face the vultures” Kris wasn’t given a chance to say another word as he was tugged along by the larger man.
His stomach was clenched in knots as they walked out into the beautiful California sun, a lone paparazzi seeing them from across the street before he ran over and started snapping pictures of the two of them. Within seconds they were surrounded, flashes going off all around them as well as extremely inappropriate questions being thrown at them. Neither of them said a word as they slowly made their way across the street, each letting out a sigh of relief once they were safely inside the restaurant. “I don’t care how long I am in this business but I will never get used to that” He noticed that Roberto didn’t say anything as they were led to a table. “Are you sure you’re ok?” He asked after the waiter had taken their order. “You just don’t seem yourself today”
“I’m fine” Roberto replied with another forced smile, his eyes darting around the room until they landed on a hugely famous figure sitting in the far corner. His heart beat sped up for a moment in his chest as he tried to pretend that the person he saw didn’t have anything to do with it. “I’m fine” He repeated for no reason as he looked across the table at Kris and once again pretended that his world wasn’t about to end, because he knew that within a matter of time that it would.
Kris wasn’t sure what was wrong with his lover, but he chalked it up to nerves at finally being seen in public after the photos had leaked. He tried to make simple conversation throughout their lunch, but Roberto seemed to be too distracted to keep up. “You want some of my dessert?” He tried once again, picking up his fork and attempting to share some of the cake he had been eating, only to jump up in shock as his water glasses was tipped over by Roberto’s hand, his lap covered in freezing cold water. “Holy shit…” He cried out, pulling the chilled cloth of his jeans away from his private area with one hand and rubbing it dry with a napkin in the other.
“Sorry…” Roberto sounded anything but sorry as he sat before Kris with a look of what seemed to be anger on his face. “Go to the bathroom and clean yourself up” He rushed out, grabbing the napkin from Kris’s hand as he began to wipe up the table.
Kris looked at Roberto for a moment before he took his advice and rushed towards the bathroom, ignoring the strange looks he was receiving from the other patrons of the restaurant as he did. “Ahhhh…” He sighed to himself a few minutes later as he stood under the hand dyer in the men’s room, his jeans nearly dry. Closing his eyes he briefly enjoyed the feeling of warm air as it ghosted over his manhood, chuckling softly at how perverted it would look if anyone were to see him.
“Kris…” He heard his name being said behind him, the hairs on the back of his neck charging to life as he looked up and locked eyes on the one person he had been dying to see and yet dreading at the same time. “I thought that was you making all the commotion over there and I just had to see for myself”
“Adam” He whispered, stepping back from the air dyer, somehow tripping over his own clumsy feet before falling backwards into Adam’s arms. For what felt like a longest moment in time they stared into each others eyes their the bathroom mirror, neither of them able to breath as chest and back remained pressed together. “Um…sorry” He said a minute later when the moment had gone as he stepped back and turned himself around. Adam didn’t say anything, just kept staring at Kris, his eyes stormy and confused the look on his face conflicted. “Say something…please” He begged, swallowing hard because everything around him felt too tense, too hard, but most of all too confusing.
“You never called” Adam said, his eyes still locked on Kris’s, his heart hammering in his chest.
“You got married” Kris replied, swallowing again, his throat suddenly dry, his chest heavy because he felt the atmosphere in the room change dramatically with those three little words.
“I waited two years Kris” Adam spoke tersely, anger beginning to course through him.
“You promised that you would wait” His own anger was starting to get to him.
“I think that two years is more then enough time to figure out that you didn’t love me as much as I loved you” Gritting his teeth Adam cursed himself for letting those words slip.
“That’s not fair Adam. You knew that I loved you. I never lied about that” Kris defended himself.
“Loved?” Adam repeated the word into the form of a question, not liking the look on Kris’s face.
“I don’t know what I feel anymore” Kris closed his eyes, a shuddering breath escaping him, one that he hadn’t even realized he had been holding. They flew open a second later as his back met the ceramic tiled walled behind him, his mouth attacked by needy and painful lips. “Adam…” He moaned, wanting to pull him closer, wanting to fall into the almost painful kiss, but unable to do anything more then push him away. “I…I…can’t” He stammered, touching his lips, winching at the dull ache he felt there.
“You’re in love with him” Adam spat out, eyes once again locked on Kris’s because he knew he could read nothing but the truth in those brown orbs.
Kris stared at him for a long time before he spoke, a smile crossing his face as realization smacked him dead in the face. “I am” He replied, shocked at the words and the feelings that surged forward. “Holy shit! I’ve been such an ass” He spoke to himself, forgetting for a moment that Adam was still in the room.
“We never had a chance did we?” He heard Adam ask, jerking him back to the present as he looked up into sad blue eyes.
“No…” Kris answered honestly, tears clouding his vision. “As much as I loved you Adam it was just never the right time or place” He whispered, reaching out and tracing Adams face with the tips of his fingers.
“I know” Adam whispered, placing his hand gently on top of Kris’s, closing his eyes and relishing the heat present there. “I think that I still love you” He said, opening his eyes, his heart heavy.
“I know…me too” Kris replied as a single tear slipped down his cheek.
“But you love him more” Adam went on without Kris having to say a word.
“Yeah…” Reaching forward, he pushed up on his tip toes and wrapped his arms around the taller mans neck. His eyes closed instantly as he felt arms wrap around him tightly. “Can we still be friends?” He found himself asking, eyes still closed as he waited for Adam to respond.
“I can’t. Not right now” Adam replied, his eyes closed as he took in the heat of the body he had dreamed about since the last time they had been together. “Soon…” He whispered, stepping back out of Kris’s embrace because the closeness was becoming too much. “Just give me some time” He smiled, leaning forward and kissing Kris softly on the lips before taking his leave.
“Shit” Kris sighed, taking a few deep breaths in order to calm himself. “Roberto…” He cried out a moment later, rushing out of the bathroom as he ran for the table. Panic filled him as he reached it and found it void of the man he was looking for. “You have completely fucked this up” He scolded himself, ignoring the strange looks he received as he ran for the exit. “Roberto” He cried out when he saw his lover across the street, but he knew he couldn’t hear him over the yelling and madness of the photographers surrounding him. “Get the hell away from me” He yelled at them, charging through the masses, nearly getting hit by a car, but not caring as he once again set course for the parking garage. He was out of breath as he reached the landing they had parked on, tears coming to his eyes as he looked ahead and found the car just sitting there in front of him. “Let me in Bertie” He pleaded after walking up to the passenger’s side and knocking softly on the glass. He could see that Roberto was conflicted as he hesitantly reached over and unlocked the door for him.
“Look I know what you are going to say so just save your breath and…”
“I love you” Kris cut him off, reaching out and lying his hand upon one of Roberto’s hand clenched around the steering wheel. “I know its long over due and such a fucked up place to say it to you for the first time, but I love you Bertie and you have no idea how sorry I am for not realizing it before now”
“I don’t know if I believe you” Roberto said after a long moment of silence.
“I know and I deserve that, but it’s true. I don’t know why you stayed with me as long as you have because I sure as hell didn’t deserve it”
“I stayed because from that first moment I met you I knew that I was in love with you. I knew that you were in love with him, but I was determined to make you forget him and fall in love with me. I waited Kris, waited and did everything in my power to make you see that I was worthy of your love, that there was more out there to share it with then Adam Lambert” Kris’s heart broke as he watched Roberto take a deep breath, his eyes full of tears as he looked over at him. “I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I finally had to admit to myself that you wouldn’t ever love anyone else but him and…”
“That’s why you brought me here. You knew his was going to be here today” Kris finished for him.
“My friend Jamie works here and told me that he had made a reservation. I had to do it, had to set you free so we could both move on and at least one of us could be happy” The problem was that Roberto looked anything but happy.
“I was a fool. Can you forgive me?” Simple words that held so much truth and power.
“Look me in the eye and tell me that you love me, really love me” Roberto turned to face the man that he loved with his heart and soul, his heart beating wildly within his chest as he waited for him to respond.
“I love you. I really truly love you” Kris replied with a tearful smile as he bit his lip and waited for his reaction.
“No more Adam fucking Lambert?” A question that pinged at Kris’s heart, but one that he knew Roberto deserved an answer too.
“No more Adam fucking Lambert. I love you Roberto” He said again in hopes that he would believe him.
“I fucking love you too” Kris couldn’t help but smile at his exuberant response before he was wrapped within strong arms and kissed until he couldn’t breathe any longer. Later that night as Roberto slept soundly beside him after making love all night long; he closed his eyes and thought about Adam. He knew that he would always love Adam and that it would always burn deep within him, but that as much as he truly did love him that it could never be. He silently prayed that Adam would one day forgive him for breaking his heart and that someday they might even be friends again. He knew that it was a long shot, but the thought alone put a smile upon his face as he snuggled up to his lover and closed his eyes.
Five and a half years later…
Kris didn’t know what was going on around him as loud screams and unreadable images flew around him. His mind was a muddled mess as he tried to clear his head, flaring pain seeming to encompass his entire body. Whimpers of pain exited his mouth under no will of his own as he continued to try and make sense of everything. “Kris…baby” A familiar voice finally broke through the haze, but something about it seemed off, almost unreal. “I love you Kris…love you” It seemed to trail off, followed by what sounded like a chocking noise before the voice went silent.
“Roberto…” He called out for his lover, his eyes unfocused as he shook his head in hopes of recovering his vision. “Roberto…” He cried out again, getting on his hands and knees, crying out loudly in pain as unseen objects pieced both his hand as well as his legs, but he ignored the pain as he began to search for his lover. “Roberto…baby…where are you?” Blaring sirens joined the noise surrounding them, everything around him seeming to be more chaotic, people trying to help him, but he pushed them away, cursing them for hindering his effort to find Roberto. “Roberto…” He was frantic, his head spinning, the pain within his body intensifying with each attempt to find him. “Roberto…please” He swallowed hard when his hand felt something, tears clouding his already cloudy vision at the realization it was the sweater his mother had made for his lover for Christmas. ***No no no no no** He screamed out in his mind, his throat unable to make sound because despite the fact that he couldn’t see him, his lover wasn’t moving and Kris knew that he would never see the man that he loved alive again. With a shuddering breath, he fell forward wrapping his arms around his lover’s unmoving body as he closed his eyes and willed everything to just disappear.
The area around him was quiet when he opened his eyes again, so quiet that it was unnerving to the point that he felt himself begin to panic. “Mr. Allen, can you hear me?” He heard an unfamiliar voice question him, his head whipping around towards the voice, but unable to see him properly through his cloudy vision.
“Where am I? Where’s Roberto?” He rushed out, his voice gravelly and sore as he closed his eyes, shaking his head in an attempt to clear his vision.
“Mr. Allen you are in a private room at Mount Sinai hospital. My name is Doctor Francis Young. You were brought here after an explosion in the subway station you were at” The man droned on, confusing Kris as he tried to recall anything that he was saying.
“My eyes…I can’t see anything clearly. Everything is blurry. Where’s Roberto? Why won’t you tell me about Roberto” He screamed, the panic taking over him fully as he began to struggle and flail around the bed. “No…” His cries got louder when he felt several pairs of hands grab onto him, a sharp prick to the skin forcing his body to go slack as he was laid back down. “I just need to know if he’s ok” He spoke barely above a whisper as exhaustion and a heavy anesthetic weighed down upon him.
“I’m sorry Mr. Allen, but he didn’t survive the impact of the explosion” He clearly heard the doctor say before he lost consciousness altogether.
He wasn’t sure how long he was out, but he knew that it had to be some time as he laid silently in his bed; the only other sound heard in the room was the sound of someone breathing and a soft rustling of clothing. “Adam” He said quietly, still not opening his eyes because he already knew that his sight hadn’t improved any since he had been knocked out.
“How did you know I was here?’ He heard Adam question softly.
“You’ve always had a distinct smell” Kris replied with a sigh, opening his eyes and looking towards the sound of rustling leather, his suspicions confirmed when all he saw was a small shard of light and extremely blurry vision before him. “Leather and cologne, distinctively Adam” He tried to joke, it turning into a huge and shuddering sob as the reality of everything washed over him. “He’s gone Adam. He’s gone” He cried out, jumping back in surprise and pain when he felt strong arms surround him. “Oh my god he’s gone” He kept repeating over and over again as he cried a river of tears until once again he was too exhausted to do anything but fall under a veil of darkness.
When he came to again he heard voices speaking towards the end of his room, one distinctly Adam’s and the other he couldn’t place. He could hardly make out what they were saying, but he heard enough to know that Adam was more then a little upset. “I need to speak to him as soon as possible” The unidentified voice said with no emotion in his talk.
“He just woke up from a traumatic experience, give him a fucking chance to deal with it on his own terms before you come in here and make him relive it all over again” He heard Adam nearly growling at the man. “He just found out that he lost his lover; give him some fucking space and respect”
“Mr. Lambert, this was a possible act of terrorism, do you think for one minute that I or the government care about the fact that Mr. Allen lost his lover”
“Get out of this room right now” Adam charged, grabbing onto the man and practically shoving him out into the hallway. “Leave your fucking card at the nurse’s station and when he feels that he is ready to speak to you, then I'll will have him call you”
Kris ignored everything else as he tried to roll onto his side, crying out in pain at the explosion of fire that flared up all over him. There was a flutter of activity surrounding him after that, but he didn’t care as he drifted on the edge of a lost reality. He had no idea what was happening to him or what had happened to him and yet something told him that he didn’t want to know. “Don’t worry Kris, I’m here now and I’m going to take care of everything” No words came as he continued to lie there, feeling disconnected from everything as he slowly felt himself drifting away little by little yet again.
Adam was exhausted as he sat in the chair next to Kris’s bed, holding his unmoving hand as he tried to come to terms with everything that had happened in the previous forty eight hours. He hadn’t even been in town when he got the news, he and his husband having taken some time off while staying at a spa after to much time apart while he worked on his new album. He thought it had been a joke when he got the call from the hospital, a nurse telling him that Kris had been in an accident and that they had found his name in his wallet as a point of contact. It turned out to be anything but a joke as he raced to the nearest television and found said incident playing on every channel. There had been no hesitation on Adam’s part when he assured the nurse that he was on his way and would be there as soon as he could. His husband had other ideas as he forbad Adam from going, ending up with a swollen jaw from where Adam had punched him when simple threats didn’t work and he tried to stop him physically. He didn’t even look back as he ran for the front desk, cell phone in hand as he barked orders at his personal assistant. It had been two days since he had hired the private plane that rushed him as quickly as possible to the man that he was still completely drawn to. He had no idea where his husband was and refused to think about it as he continued to hold Kris’s hand, sending pleas out into the universe that everything would be alright.
“Adam…” He felt a hand on his shoulder as he jerked his eyes open, scanning the room quickly as he tried to figure out where the hell he was. “It’s ok” He heard a woman’s voice speak beside him as he turned his head and found Kris’s ex-wife standing before him. “I heard it on the news and got here as quick as I could” She explained as he continued to gape at her, hand still clinging to Kris’s. “What the hell happened?” She asked, tears in her eyes as she moved her gaze across the room towards the man lying in the hospital bed before them. “I’ve heard so much stuff that I don’t know what to believe”
“They think it might have been a terrorist attack” He replied, his voice shaky and tired as he let go of Kris’s hand, getting up and walking towards the other end of the room.
“A terrorist attack?” Katy repeated, turning to face Adam, her eyes huge as saucers. “What has Kris had to say about this?”
“Nothing really. He’s been in and out of it since I’ve gotten here so he hasn’t been able to tell us what he saw. There was an agent here earlier and he wanted to talk to Kris, but I kicked him out” He rubbed his hands across his tired face, looking out the window, still trying to figure out howthe hell this had happened to Kris. “Roberto’s dead” He said in a flat tone as he turned to face Katy once again. “I don’t know the details, but Kris knows. He told me when he first woke up, before they gave him something to calm him down again”
“This can’t be real” He heard Katy murmur as she fell into the chair he had vacated.
“It’s real” They both heard Kris speak as he opened his eyes, staring straight ahead, eyes still as unfocused as before. “Adam could you please call the agent and tell him that I am ready to give him my statement”
“Kris…maybe it’s too soon. I think that you should just rest for now and…”
“Please Adam…” Kris begged, still staring straight ahead at the faint and blurry light he saw before him.
“Ok” He replied hesitantly, leaving the room as he walked towards the nurse’s station. “He’s on his way up. Seems he never left the hospital because he’s been interviewing other people that were injured as well” Adam spoke a few minutes later as he reentered the room. White hot jealousy ripped through him as he watched Katy and Kris huddled together, whispering words to each other, words that he couldn’t hear, but tore through his mind and soul anyway. “I’ll just leave you two alone”
“Adam…please don’t go” Kris called out, towards the blurry vision of Adam as he stood in the doorway. “I don’t want to be alone” He sounded scared and unsure, but the truth was he was totally fucking scared and unsure about what he was going to say to the agent, how it was going to affect him and what was going to happen to him afterwards. “Adam…” He held out his hand towards the unclear figure, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath when he heard him move forward, a long forgotten, yet familiar warmth taking his hand. “Thank you” He refused to open his eyes because his closed lids were the only thing keeping the tears at bay.
Kris could hardly keep his eyes open nearly two hours later after the agent had arrived. His head pounding in pain after recalling as much as he could of that day, his body painful as he refused the morphine drip in order to keep himself coherent enough to answer the questions that the agent asked. However, it was his heart that hurt the most as he was reminded over and over again that Roberto, the man that he planned to spend the rest of his life with was dead. He still didn’t have all of the answers, but from what the agent had told him it all seemed to be pointing towards a possible terrorist attack, or some random man who had walked into a busy subway station in the middle of New York City and exploded a bomb that had been strapped to himself. Kris wasn’t sure what to think of either scenario, but he knew that the outcome was still the same, Roberto was dead and he was all alone. He didn’t respond as the agent took his leave, instead giving Adam’s hand a gentle squeeze in hopes that he understood what he was trying to say without words. He squeezed the hand again in thanks when he felt a small flutter of activity near him and then ever so slowly the pain began to fade away and a peaceful darkness over took him.
Once he was sure that Kris was asleep, Adam left the room and headed out of the hospital for a much needed breath of fresh air. He was thankful that he was alone as he paced the beautiful garden just off of the hospital, but close enough that if they needed him he could rush back to Kris’s side. He knew that he should be upstairs in his room, but he needed a moment alone to compose him self and try and make sense of all he had heard that afternoon. None of it made any sense to him because shit like that just didn’t happened people like Kris and yet there they were, Kris in a hospital with little sight and his lover dead. It still didn’t make any sense to Adam as he took out his phone and called the one person he knew could keep him grounded after everything he had learned. “How is he?” He heard his mother ask instead of her standard greeting. “What the hell happened? Is it true that this could be an act of terrorism? It’s all over the news. This can’t be happening can it?” She continued to ask questions that he felt he had no answer to.
“He’s a mess mom” Adam sobbed, taking a deep breath as he tried to compose himself sitting down on a nearby stone bench “He’s cut up and bruised and that’s only on the outside. He’s trying to keep it together but I know that he’s reeling from the shock of everything and to make matters worse he doesn’t seem to be able to see properly. I’m not sure how bad it is because the doctors aren’t saying much, but it has to be bad because whenever he opens his eyes they look almost dead and lifeless” He finally gave up the pretense of trying to keep it together as he leaned forward, head between his knees and just cried. “I don’t know what to do” He hiccuped, feeling himself start to fall apart.
“I’m coming out there Adam” He heard his mother say with determination, forcing him to get over his pity party and pull himself together again.
“No…” He spoke loudly before she could speak again. “You’d never get a flight out here now anyway. Until they know if this was an act of terrorism there probably aren’t many flights going anywhere. I’m ok” He falsely assured because he was anything but ok, but he knew that he had to keep it together and keep it together for as long as Kris needed him. “I was lucky enough to get a private plane before all the hell broke loose”
“Adam, what are you going to do?” She asked a question that he truly had no answer to, but he pretended that he did as he got up and headed back towards Kris’s room.
“I’m in New York until they release him from the hospital. Kathy’s here too and then we will decide what to do next. I’m hoping that he will come back to California with me, but I won’t know anything for sure until they release him”
“What about your career? The new album?” He heard her ask, but he didn’t care about those things as he ignored her questions, assured her that he was fine once again and ended the call after telling her that he loved her.
“How is he?” He asked Katy as he walked back into Kris’s room and found him still under the effects of the pain relieving drugs.
“He’s still sleeping” She responded with a sad sigh. “This is all just too unbelievable to believe isn’t it?”
“Yes” Was all he could say as he reached forward and pulled the tiny woman into his arms. “We just have to be here for him and hope that he can somehow pull through with minimal damage”
“Do you think that he can?” She asked, looking up at him with huge and scared eyes.
“Of course he can” He smiled down at the beautiful lady, hugging her close once again.
“You know I always thought that you and he would end up together” Katy broke the empty silence hours later as the two of them continued to keep watch over Kris. They had been granted special permission to remain in his room as long as they didn’t get in the way of the doctors and nurses that checked in on him every hour on the hour. “After idol I kept waiting for him to come to me and tell me that he wanted a divorce so he could be with you. I was so angry at both you. It was hell you know” She continued when Adam didn’t say anything in response to her words. “Knowing that the man that I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with wanted that with you”
“It wasn’t meant to be” Adam replied, his voice cracking from the guilt and the pain. “I never wanted to hurt you Katy. I know that you don’t believe that, but I never did. I knew that you and he had made vows to each other and I was determined not to be the one to break them”
“I know” She said softly, tears misting her eyes as she glanced at her former husband before turning her gaze back to Adam. “I knew that our marriage was a shame” She held her hand up when Adam tried to deny her words. “I think that I knew Kris was gay before he knew it. I just loved him so much that I didn’t care. I guess that I thought that since he was unsure about himself that I could make him see that being married to me was the right thing to do. He messed around with a few guys when we had split up one time, but they never amounted to anything, but with you I knew it was real. He would just look at you and I could see it so clearly in his eyes. That’s why I was totally shocked when I saw the pictures of him and Roberto that had been leaked and then he publicly came out and it wasn’t with you”
“I was married to Derek” Adam sighed, wondering where his husband was and knowing that he should try and call him and make amends. He just wasn’t sure if there was anything that he could do or say that would make his husband forgive him. Kris had always been a touchy subject with the man, despite the fact that Adam bent over backwards and went out of his way to keep Kris out of conversation and their lives. No, he had never verbally admitted to his husband that he was still secretly in love with Kris, but something told him that he knew regardless. “I should probably go and call him” He hesitated for a moment, not really wanting to leave Kris’s side again, but knowing that it was the right thing to do. “I’ll be back in a few minutes”
“Hello” He heard Derek’s sad voice answer the phone. “I take it you got there safely?”
“I’m so sorry baby” He rushed out, warm tears coursing down his face. “I heard the news about Kris and I just panicked. “I never meant to hurt you. I’m so sorry…can you ever forgive me” The words rushing over his lips so fast that he wasn’t sure if his lover would understand them.
“I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have tried to stop you when you heard about him. I just…” He hesitated before continuing. “I just got jealous and I sort of lost it”
“You have nothing to be jealous over baby. You’re my husband and I love you” The words were true even if he did feel a little guilty about the love that he still held for the person lying in the next room. “I wish you were here”
“I wish I was there too. I left the spa and came home. I tried to get a flight out there, but nothing is coming in or out right now”
“I figured. I should have asked you to come. Jesus I am such a fuck up. I have no idea why you even stay with a jerk like me” He berated himself.
“Well it just so happens that I like jerks like you” Derek grinned into the phone, relieved that Adam had called him, although he still held a lingering fear that he refused to even think about. “I love you Adam, never forget that ok”
“I won’t and I love you too” Adam wiped at his tears, thankful that he was able to make amends and surprisingly happy to realize how much he did miss his husband. “I miss you”
“I miss you too glitter monkey” He laughed at the expected giggle he received from Adam at the use of his nickname. The next thirty minutes were spent talking as Adam told him about what had happened to Kris and what the doctors had told him. He intentionally skirted the issue of what was going to happen with Kris’s follow up care, but Derek had other ideas. “What are the plans for his aftercare?” He asked, forcing Adam to nearly choke on his own tongue.
“I don’t know honestly. He doesn’t really have anything back in Arkansas since his parents died in a car crash a few years back and Katy has her own family to take care of…” He didn’t know what else to say as he took a deep breath and swallowed hard.
“You want to bring him here don’t you?” Derek said what he had been unable to say.
“I don’t know…maybe” He decided to be truthful. “The fact is that I don’t know how much aftercare he is going to need and besides he may not want to come back with me. I just need to know that if he does decide that he wants my help are you going to be ok with that?’ He bit his lip as he waited for Derek’s reply, hoping against hope that his answer would be yes.
“Yes of course baby” Derek answered with as much enthusiasm as he could. “Whatever he needs we will be there for him”
“I love you Derek” Adam smiled widely, thankful that he had received the answer that he had been wishing for. “I better get back to him. I’ll call you later” He said, taking a deep breath of relief as he walked back into the room.
“The doctor just left” Katy said the moment that he entered the room.
“What did he say?” Adam asked, not liking the slightly shocked look on Kris’s face and the tears in Katy’s eyes.
“He said that I may have lost most of my sight permanently” Kris answered for her.
“I don’t believe that” Adam replied with a snort. “Doctors are wrong all the time. We’ll just find a specialist and…”
“They think that the blast may have partially burnt my retinas” Kris continued as if he hadn’t even heard Adam, head turned towards the window, but unable to see the sunny day outside of it.
“Kris, we can find another doctor. Just because one says one thing doesn’t mean that he’s right” Adam tried again, his body jerking slightly, a small gasp rushing over his lips when dead unseeing eyes turned in his direction and stared right at him.
“I heard that” He said, closing his eyes and turning back towards the window. “They plan to run more tests, but he just wanted to let me know that the chances are pretty low that I’ll get my sight back. You two have been here long enough. I want you both to get out of here for the rest of the night. I need some time alone”
“I’m not leaving your side Kris” Adam piped up, holding firm when Kris turned towards him once again.
“Adam please” Wetness glistened on the bottom of Kris’s eye lids, his lip trembling as well. “I just need some time alone to process everything. I know you’ll come back and I want you to come back” He reached his hand out towards the blurry spot he knew was Adam. “Please…just give me tonight and then you can mother me until I make some decisions about my life”
Adam was torn as he took Kris’s hand into his own, lying it across his chest as he hugged it close. He knew that he should give Kris the time he seemed to need, but the caregiver in him told him to stay put because he knew that once Kris was alone the only thing that he was going to do was relive over and over again the fact that his lover was gone. “He needs this and the fact is that you need to get some rest, take a shower and get something to eat” He heard Katy say and despite the fact that he knew she was right, he still found himself unable to move.
“I don’t know if I can” He whispered, wrapping his free arm around the one still holding Kris’s and cradling it even tighter against his chest.
“Just give me tonight” Kris whimpered, his lip trembling even more at the warmth and concern he heard in Adam’s voice. He didn’t know why Adam was there or what he did to deserve his kindness after what had happened between them in the past, but he felt damn thankful that he was there and didn’t seem to be holding any grudges. “Thank you” He said when he felt Adam’s body move from his, a warm kiss placed on his raw hand before it was tucked beside his body.
“I’ll be back in the morning” Adam spoke softly as he stood at the side of his bed, fighting the urge to lean over and kiss Kris on his beat up face. “You have the nurse call me if you need anything”
“Thank you…to both of you” Kris sighed, closing his eyes as he heard them prepare to leave, the clicking of the door alerting him to the fact that he was finally alone.
“We shouldn’t have left him” Adam grumbled as they rode the elevator towards the first floor. “You know what he’s going to do and maybe it’s too soon for that”
“No Adam, this is what he has to do. I’ve known Kris for a lot longer then you have and this is how he deals with sadness and tragedy. He just needs to be alone to process everything that has happened and yes he is going to cry and be devastated, but it’s his way of processing through it. He’s going to need you Adam, so please don’t take this as him shutting you out. When his parents died in the car accident, he did the same thing. He locked himself in his old bedroom for a whole day and refused to open the door; afterwards he came out and took on the responsibility of the funeral and being there for the rest of the family”
“And you think that this is a proper way to deal with something this traumatic? His lover died, he’s lost his sight, and his entire body is a fucking wreck” Adam was trying not to sound frantic, but it was a losing battle as the doors to the elevator opened and he stormed out. “It’s too much for him. He’s going to need us…to need me”
“He will need you, but right now he needs to do this” Katy grabbed Adam’s hands as they flew everywhere. “You have to trust him Adam. He just needs some alone time to process everything and then he will have to decide what he wants to do from there”
“What do you think that he will want to do?” He asked, biting his lip, afraid of what she was going to say. He had pretty much made up his mind that once Kris was well enough to travel that he was taking him back to California no matter what he felt on the subject.
“That’s up to Kris to decide” She replied with a sad smile, already knowing what Adam was thinking at the tense look on his face and the tightness of his body. “Now get that personal assistant on the phone and have her get us a hotel room. I’m exhausted and I know you are too” She smiled sadly, releasing Adam’s hands as they walked towards the main lobby of the hospital. “Do you want to get something to eat?” She asked forty-five minutes later as they stood in the lobby of the fancy hotel Adam’s personal assistant had reserved them into.
“Actually I just want to take a shower and call Derek back if it’s ok with you. If you’re hungry please order anything you want from room service. The hotel is on me for as long as you want to stay here” Adam replied, as they made their way towards the elevators.
“Adam I can’t let you do that” Katy protested, even though she knew that she couldn’t really afford to pay for more then a few nights.
“It’s done” He smiled, hugging her close as they waited to reach their floor. “I’m glad you were able to make it here before the airports were closed. I honestly don’t know how I would have handled this all alone” He broke the momentary silence that had settled over them.
“I heard it on the news and I just knew I had to get here” She responded, walking out into the hallway when the doors opened. “He might not be my husband anymore, but I still love him and I guess that I always will. I have to admit that my current husband wasn’t very happy about it, but I explained to him that I was concerned that he wouldn’t have anyone be there for him and he seemed to understand. I should have known that you would be the first one here” She smiled, but Adam could see the tears glistening within her eyes. “As for handling this, well there is no doubt in my mind that you will be able to handle everything that is about to happen” She smiled even brighter as Adam walked her to her room. “There has always been something special between the two of you, so I know that as long as he has you he will be able to get through anything” Leaning upwards onto her toes, she kissed Adam on the cheek before bidding him goodnight.
Lying on his bed after his shower, Adam thought about what Katy had said, wondering if after so many years apart that her words would end up being true. Sure, he still loved Kris and wanted to be there for him, but he had to admit that he had a huge fear that Kris might not want him. He wondered if too much time had passed, if they had become too different then what they once were. He hoped against hope that he would have the energy, strength and patience to not only be there for his one time best friend, but for the husband with the forgiving heart who was waiting for him back home. “Derek” He cried out when he realized he hadn’t called his husband back, reaching for his cell phone located on the end table next to the bed. He spent the next hour talking to Derek, once again begging for forgiveness as well as giving him an update on Kris’s condition since the last time they had spoken. Words of love and understanding where shared between the two of them before they ended the call.
He found himself restless, his mind a whirling mess as he tried figure out how he had let almost six years pass without getting in touch with Kris as he had promised. He had always meant to call him, to try and work things out, but he found that he just couldn’t get over the hurt and the pain in his heart. He felt foolish and stupid, wondering if things would have ended up differently if he had. He knew it was a stupid way of thinking considering that Kris had moved to New York with his lover shortly after the confrontation in the bathroom, but he found himself wondering just the same. He had just about fallen asleep when his cell phone rang. “Hello…Kris?” He yelled into the mouth piece, his heart hammering against his chest so hard that he could barely breathe. “I’m on my way” He announced, nearly hitting the floor when he jumped out of the bed and tripped over his own shoes.
“No…” A thin and broken voice spoke. “I just needed to know that your still here, that I wasn’t dreaming that you were here”
Adam could tell that Kris had been crying and it broke his heart to know that he was all alone. “I’m here and I promise you that I’m not going anywhere. You’re back in my life now Kris and I’m never letting you go again” He put the truth out there because he knew that no matter how much Kris might fight him he was going to win.
“Ok…” He heard the weak reply, his heart breaking even more. “I don’t know why you are here, but thank you”
Adam didn’t even know he was crying until the warm drops hit the hand lying in his lap. Closing his eyes, more tears fell as he fought to find the words to speak. “So many years Kris” Was all he was finally able to say as he opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling. “I’m so sorry”
“Me too” Kris replied, tears blazing down his face as well. “I always meant to call you, but I was always to afraid of what you might say. It was better not to know then to hear you say that you never wanted me back in your life”
“I’ve always wanted you back in my life Kris, but I was just too much of a coward to do anything about it. I let my wounded pride get in the way and look where we are now” Adam sobbed, pressing his hand into his forehead as his cried even harder.
“It’s all in the past now” Kris whispered groggily, wiping at the tears still lazing down his cheeks. “Can it just all be in the past now?’
“I’ve already told you that I’m not going anywhere” Adam croaked, his throat sore and painful from so much emotion. “Whatever happens next I’m right there at your side”
“Night Adam…see you tomorrow” Kris mumbled, the exhaustion of the evening washing over him.
What happened next was six weeks of hell for both Kris and Adam. For Kris it was test after test done upon his eyes only to be informed that his only option was surgery and even then the doctors could not give him a very good chance of his sight ever being improved. For Adam it was watching as Kris got his hopes up a little bit with each test, only to have them dashed quickly there after. It was also the stress of knowing that his friend was hurting in ways that he couldn’t even imagine and yet he had no idea what the hell he could do about it. However, the biggest blow was yet to come as the morning that Kris was to be released from the hospital he received news that proved to be more devastating then any other.
“I can’t believe that we are finally getting you out of here” Adam exclaimed as he packed up Kris’s meager belongings from around the hospital room, tossing everything into a book bag. “Derek is at your place making sure that everything is taken care of. Are you sure that you want to go back there this soon Kris?” He asked in concern as he looked up at his friend sitting quietly in a chair next to the window. “Maybe you we should just get you settled into my house and then come back at a later time”
“No…I just want to go home for a few days and…” He stopped talking at the knock he heard upon the door.
“Excuse me Mr. Allen” He heard a very familiar voice speak as he listened to the agent who was on the case enter the room. “I know that you are getting discharged today, but before you go I just wanted to let you know it turns out that the man who did this to you wasn’t a terrorist and this wasn’t a terrorist attack. It was just some random jerk who decided it was time to die, but didn’t want to be alone when he did and took several innocent people with him”
“Why the fuck would you tell him that?” Adam all but screamed in shock, glaring at the stupid man standing dumbfounded in the doorway. Looking at Kris he found nothing but a look of dead panic on his face before rushing over to him and pulling him into his arms. “Kris are you ok?” He asked, beginning to panic himself when he didn’t seem to be breathing. “Kris…speak to me” He shook him, still getting no response. “Call the fucking doctor” He cried out towards the stunned man still standing by the door. “Thank fuck” He shouted in near relief at the harsh intake of breath he heard a moment later. “Kris…”
“Why?” Kris nearly choked on the words as he reached forward and felt for Adam’s neck. “Why would someone do that?” He asked again, wrapping his arms tightly around Adam’s neck, his heart ripped open and torn to shreds over the senseless loss of his lover. “How could he just take him away from me like that?”
“I don’t know baby. I don’t know” Adam cried right along with his friend, holding him tight and wishing like hell that Kris didn’t have to go through something as horrible and painful as what he was going though. He knew that the road to recovery was going to be long for Kris, if he ever fully recovered at all, but it only caused his determination factor to grow that he was going to be there for him every step of the way.
The ride to Kris’s apartment was done in silence as the two men huddled together in the back seat of the hired car, each trying to make sense of everything that they had learned. “Were here” Adam said softly as the car pulled up to the front of the building. “Are you sure that you want to do this?” He asked once again, not understanding why Kris wanted to spend time in the apartment he had shared with Roberto, knowing that the man would not be there to greet him when he went in.
“I just need to say goodbye Adam” Kris replied on a hushed breath, lifeless eyes hidden behind a pair of dark sunglasses as he stared straight ahead. “I couldn’t be there for the funeral so this is my way of saying goodbye to the man that I loved”
“Ok…” Adam replied just as softly, afraid of speaking in more then a whisper and breaking the fragile balance that Kris seemed to be holding himself under. Carefully he helped Kris out of the car, allowing him to lean on him as they slowly made their way towards the entrance. “Fuck…” Adam cursed out loud when within seconds they were surrounded by paparazzi. They had managed to avoid the fuckers at the hospital, the staff and Kris’s record label ensuring that extra measures were taken not to leak his release date. He didn’t know how they knew to find them at the apartment, but something told him that they had probably been waiting for weeks for any glimpse of the singer. “Ignore them” He spoke over the inappropriate questions and flashing lights.
“Get the fuck away from them” Adam heard his husband yelling at the vultures, so thankful that he had come downstairs and was able to get Kris into the lobby of the apartment complex quickly. Derek had flown in a few days earlier in order to help with whatever needed to be done after Kris’s release from the hospital. “Are you ok?” He asked Kris, giving him a once over before locking eyes with Adam.
“I’m fine. Thank you Derek for your help” Kris sounded exhausted as Adam tucked him into his side once again and lead them towards the elevators.
Together the three of them made their way towards Kris’s, apartment, hesitating at the door once they reached it. “I cleared up the floors as much as I could so you shouldn’t have any problem maneuvering your way around. Adam said you weren’t sure how long you wanted to be here so I told the landlord I would let him know once you decided. I’ve already called the movers and…” Derek said as he opened the door, stepping back as he allowed Adam to lead Kris inside.
“Baby…enough” Adam looked over at his husband, nodding at Kris who had stepped away from Adam and didn’t seem to be listening to anything that either man had to say. They watched as the shorter man walked with careful measures into the living room, hands outstretched as he felt around for anything familiar. Nearly tripping over the edge of the couch, he righted himself quickly before sitting down on it.
“Can I be alone” He asked, fighting the familiarity and the smells that had made up his home, a home that no longer felt real without Roberto in it.
“Kris…I really think that you should lie down and rest” Adam rushed out, heading for the couch, but a hand on his arm stopped him.
“Come on” Derek spoke, not giving Adam a chance to say anything else as he took his hand and led him towards the guest room where they would be staying. “I know this is hard for you baby, but you have to give him some space and time to adjust to everything” He said the moment that they entered the room, sitting down on the bed and tugging Adam with him. “From what I’ve gathered in the very short time that I’ve gotten to know him is that Kris is a strong man and he needs to do things on his own terms. You can give me that look all you want because you know that I am right” He smiled sadly at his husband, ignoring the glaring look that Adam was throwing his way.
“You always are” Adam finally admitted, returning his own small smile, closing his eyes as Derek pulled him into his arms. “It’s just so hard knowing that he’s hurting and not being able to do a damned thing about it. It’s so frustrating”
“I know baby, but you’re doing the best thing you can for him. You’re being there for him and allowing him to do this his way” Derek whispered against his ear. “I’ve been worried about you. Are you holding up ok?” He asked, pulling back and gazing into eyes that always told him what he needed to know.
“I’m better now that you’re here” Adam replied truthfully, returning to his previous position of being held in Derek’s arms. “I’ve missed you so much”
“I’ve missed you too glitter monkey” He held on even tighter, closing his eyes while sending out a silent prayer that it wasn’t him having to go through the loss of his lover. “I love you” He added quickly as he pulled back and kissed Adam softly.
“I love you too” Adam sobbed, finally allowing everything that had happened in the previous six weeks to wash over him as he grabbed onto his husband and cried unlike he had ever cried before.
Kris heard every word as he sat silently in his living room, his hearing much improved due to his lack of vision. He knew that Adam was suffering along with him and as much as it pained him and he wished he was man enough to let him go, he knew that he couldn’t. He needed Adam in ways that he had never needed another person in his life. He knew that he was clutching onto someone that he really had no business clutching onto, but Adam was his lifeline and he knew that as long as he was in his life that he would be able to cope with the heartache and the pain and move on with his life without his lover. He felt guilty as well because he knew that his being a part of their lives was going to put a strain on the marriage between Derek and Adam, and yet he didn’t care. He didn’t know why it was, but he felt domineering over Adam and yet he knew it wasn’t anything even close to being sexual, wasn’t anything even close to being love. He knew he was being silly and stupid, but he had known Adam first, had been his best friend and almost lover and because of that he felt as if Derek held no rights or ties to him. It was wrong, his heart and his mind told him so, but he still didn’t care. He wasn’t sure what it meant and he wasn’t willing to think about it any longer as he stretched out on the couch, closed his eyes and fell into a deep sleep.
“I don’t understand why he didn’t go to the funeral” Kris heard a hushed voice speak as he continued to lie on the couch hours later after waking up from his sleep.
“Roberto’s mother saw to that” Adam scowled, trying to keep his voice low as to not wake Kris, but finding it hard at the anger present there. “She knew that he wasn’t well enough to leave the hospital, but insisted that they have the funeral once his body had been released”
“Why the hell would she do that?” Derek asked as he helped Adam prepare a couple of sandwiches for them to eat.
“Because she’s a fucking homophobic bitch” He replied angrily, causing Kris to smile for a moment at Adam’s truthful words before the painful truth washed over him as he continued with his story. “She actually blamed Kris for Roberto being gay. She said that he beguiled him with his evil ways and forced him to believe that he liked men. I was stunned enough to hear it when Kris told me, but I almost lost my fucking mind when she told me”
“She told you?” Derek asked as he sat down at the dinning room table, watching as Adam did the same.
“Yeah…stupid bitch didn’t even know who I was. I was waiting in the lobby while Kris was having some tests done. I just needed to get out of that hospital room for a bit and she sat down next to me. I had no idea who she was. All I knew was that her son had died in the same blast. She seemed like a nice enough lady. I felt bad for her because she had said that she was there to pick up his body because it had finally been released. I told her how sorry I was for her loss and told her about how I was there for a friend who had survived the explosion. I even held her hand as she cried over her loss because I felt so bad for her. Then she went all Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde and started spewing this hate about how her son was dead because he had been living in sin. I was shocked because she seemed so angry and then she told me that it was because he had fallen into the clutches of an evil man who turned him away from a normal life and into someone who was going to burn in hell. I was about ready to leave because I had no idea what she was talking about, but then she started to cruse Kris’s name and it all made sense”
“Jesus Christ” Derek sighed, thankful that both his and Adam’s parents had understood when they had each come out during their younger years. “So she insisted on the funeral because she didn’t want Kris there” He finished, adding the last piece to the puzzle.
“He wanted to go, but the doctors forbad him because his body was too weak. It was horrible having to be the one to tell him that he couldn’t go to his own lover’s funeral. The doctor wanted to tell him, but I knew that it had to come from me. We held our own little prayer service that night. I had asked the hospital chaplain if he would be willing to come in and pray with us. I just wanted him to have some sort of closure, even though I knew it wasn’t what he really wanted or needed”
“You have the biggest heart baby” Derek smiled, reaching across the table and cupping Adam’s jaw. “He’s very lucky to have you in his life”
“I just feel as if it’s not enough” Adam sighed, leaning into the heated touch of his husband’s hand.
“I’m sure that Kris feels differently” Derek replied, fear and doubt trying to push their way forward, but he refused to let them win as he forced them back and focused on the man he loved before him.
“Adam…” Kris spoke his name as he sat up.
“I’m here Kris” Adam shot from the table, nearly knocking the chair he had been sitting in onto the floor. “Are you ok? Do you need anything?” He rushed out, kneeling in front of Kris before taking his hand.
“I’d like to use the bathroom and then take a shower. Can you help me?” Kris asked, knowing that he could probably do such things on his own, but for some reason terrified at not having Adam at his side.
“Of course….that’s what I’m here for” Adam smiled despite the fact that he knew Kris couldn’t see it. “Derek went to the grocery store earlier and got a few things. While we are getting you ready he can make you something to eat and then you have to take your medicine” He went on, sharing a small smile with his husband as he and Kris made their way into the master bedroom. “Sit here while I get everything ready for you” He directed Kris towards the bed, going in search of the items be would need for his shower and then bed afterwards.
“You know Derek was right” Kris said as he listened to Adam moving around him.
“About what?” Adam asked as he placed a pair of sweat pants and a tee shirt on the bed beside Kris.
“That I am lucky to have you in my life and no matter what you think, it’s more then enough” He hesitated on the last part, taking a deep breath as tears threatened to overcome him again. “You can’t know how much it means that you are here and that you are willing to help me” His voice sounded so small, but he didn’t care as he fell into the strong arms surrounding his shuddering frame. “Please promise me that you won’t ever leave me Adam?” He whispered against Adam’s ear, burrowing in even deeper at the shudder he felt pass through Adam’s body at his words.
Derek’s heart dipped into his stomach as he entered the room and found Kris and Adam practically wrapped around each other. He knew that it was something that he was going to have to get used to, but he found it painful just the same. A small sliver of anger began to form that night despite the fact that he knew Kris was scared and confused, because he knew that somewhere deep inside that Kris felt more for Adam then just friendship. He felt guilty for a moment, but then he recalled all the stories he had heard from the other idols of season eight about Kris and Adam, and then guilt turned into an even larger bit of anger. “I thought you might want some help” He spoke up, entering the room, watching as the two pulled away from each other, reluctance on both of their faces. “I made a couple more sandwiches” He ignored the looks as he went into the bathroom and started the shower. He didn’t give either one of them a chance to say anything as he came back into the room and as gently as he could helped Kris off of the bed. “You can eat once you finish your shower” He continued to talk, trying to ignore the burning in his belly when Adam stepped in and began to help Kris remove his clothing. He reused to leave the bathroom, sitting on the toilet seat as he watched Adam bathe Kris’s naked and scarred body, knowing that Kris was capable of doing it himself, but not speaking up. He held his tongue when thirty minutes later, Adam hand fed him cut up pieces of the sandwiches he had made earlier, each of them acting like Kris was only a toddler and not a grown man.
“Man…I’m exhausted” Adam yawned several hours later as he and Derek prepared for bed. “You think that Kris is ok?” He asked in concern as he stood at the guest room door, listening to see if Kris needed him in any way.
“I’m sure he’s fine” Derek replied, trying like hell to hide the annoyance in his voice.
“Maybe I should go and check on him one more time” He went to take a step, only to stop at the annoyed sigh he heard coming from across the room. “What?” He asked at the irritated look he received as well. “It’s only his first night out of the hospital and his first night home without Roberto”
“I know. You’re right. Go check on him. I’m going to go and take a shower” He relented, walking into the bathroom before he said something that he knew he was going to regret. Derek was almost done with his shower when he heard the curtain being drawn Adam stepping in behind him. “Is he ok?” He asked, turning around to face his husband.
“He’s out like a light” Adam replied, closing his eyes and sighing contently when Derek began to wash him. “That feels amazing” He said as strong hands began to massage his tense shoulders. “You’re amazing” He continued, looking deeply into Derek’s eyes because he wanted him to see that he was speaking the truth. “I know that this had been hard on you having to see Kris and I acting close, but you have to know that we are only friends” He waited a moment for Derek to speak and when he didn’t he went on. “I love you Derek and it makes me so happy that you are willing to take on the responsibility of helping Kris as well. I really do love you” He repeated, leaning forward and kissing Derek hungrily. “I need you baby. I need you so much” He cried out, kissing him even harder before spinning him around and plastering him to the wet shower wall.
“I need you too glitter monkey” Derek cried out, needing to make love to Adam almost as desperately as he seemed to need it. “Fuck…” He cried out when Adam took him hard and fast, trying like hell to keep his moaning to a minimum in order not to wake Kris, but unable to as Adam thrust into his like a demon. It was over fairly quickly, but neither seemed to care as they kissed and held on to each other afterward until the water turned cold and they were forced to get out. “Don’t worry baby, we are going to get him through this” He whispered against Adam’s ear as he held him close once they had crawled into bed. “And when we do we can once again focus on our lives”
Adam didn’t say anything as he snuggled deeper into Derek’s arms, but the words alone made him feel sad and guilty because he should want Kris to move forward in his life so they could move on with theirs as well.
“Maybe I should go check on him” Adam said nearly a week later as he and Derek sat in the back of a rented car, watching Kris as he stood before Roberto’s grave marker.
“He asked us to leave him alone. He’ll let us know when he is ready to leave” Derek assured his husband, taking his hand and holding it gently within his own.
Adam knew that he was right, but it still made him worry for his friend. He was happy that Kris had finally made the decision to give up the apartment and go back to California with them, but he still had a huge nagging doubt that maybe that wasn't the best decision for any of them. Kris hadn’t said much the entire week that they stayed in the apartment he had shared with Roberto, mostly sleeping off and on and when he wasn’t sleeping he was giving directions on what needed to be packed for their move to California and what needed to go into storage. He and Derek had tried several times to engage Kris in conversation, anything to keep his mind off of his sadness, but it never worked. With each day that passed Kris seemed to pull deeper and deeper into himself and they both feared that if something didn’t change Kris might lose a little bit of his sanity.
“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there for the funeral” Kris began speaking to the marker, reaching out and running his hands over the ornate piece. He knew that Roberto would have hated it since he had always been a simple man, angry that his mother didn’t know anything about her only son. “I’m so sorry about everything” He went on, his eyes heavy and painful at the amount of tears that were waiting to roll from his eyes. “This is all my fault. If I had only listened to you and we had stayed home and made love like you wanted then you wouldn’t be dead” The tears finally won as they poured like waterfalls down his face. “I had to be the stubborn one, had to have everything my way and because of it you are gone from my life forever. I’m so sorry Bertie…so sorry” He fell to his knees harrowing sobs of pain erupting from his lips as he continued to hold onto the piece of granite. “I hope that one day you can forgive me for being so fucking stubborn. You always let me get away with everything” He screamed out, hitting his hands on the hard marker. “Why…why didn’t you just tell me no because then you would still be with me today”
“Adam…no” Derek stopped his lover as he wrapped his arms around him and pulled him back into the car. “He needs this. He needs to release this anger. Leave him be”
“Fuck you…let me go” Adam cried out, struggling like hell to get out of Derek’s grasp, but failing each time that he tried. “He needs me” He sobbed, his heart breaking at the scene playing out a little ways from them. “He needs me” He repeated, crying so hard the he found it almost impossible to breathe.
“He needs this baby” Derek spoke softly as he continued to hold Adam, hating how this was affecting the man that he loved, but knowing that it truly was what Kris needed to help him move towards the healing process.
Kris was exhausted as he continued to kneel before the grave stone, his entire body sore, his hands wet with blood. “Adam came for me” He whispered, leaning forward and resting his forehead on the stone. “He was the first one there despite the fact that we haven’t spoken to each other in so long. I know you know how important he is to me and how much it means that he’s here, but I want you to know that it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I was such a fool to wait so long to tell you that, because I love you so much. I’m always going to love you” The tears began to dwindle down, his eyes growing heavy from the exhaustion weighing down upon him. “I just need to leave. I can’t stay here in New York without you. Adam asked me to move back to California. He says that there are specialists there who may be able to help get my sight back, but honestly I’m not hoping for much. I can’t help but wonder if this all happened because I was so selfish when it came to you. I don’t know” He sighed, running his hand over the grass he was kneeling on. “I’ve sold the apartment and took the things that meant the most to me. The rest is in storage for right now until I decide what to do with my life. I’m so scared and confused and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now. I wish you were here right now. I wish we had our old life” The tears began again because he knew that it was time to move forward and figure out some things about his life. “I’ve got to go Bertie” He croaked, hating that he had to leave, but knowing that his time was coming to a close at the crunching of leaves and twigs he heard behind him. “Always know that I love you and that I miss you and we will be together soon”
“I’m not trying to rush you Kris but I just wanted to make sure that you were ok” Adam spoke softly, ignoring the angry looks he knew Derek was shooting his way after he had escaped from the car.
“I’m fine” He lied, swallowing hard at the pain as he pulled himself upwards. “I was just saying goodbye” He instantly leaned into Adam’s side as his arms came around him, assisting him off of the ground. “I’m just so tired” He leaned in further, his feet dragging some as Adam led him towards the waiting car.
“You can sleep on the plane” Adam replied, helping Kris into the car, still ignoring the smoldering looks his husband was sending his way. “To the airport please” He told the driver of the car, lying his head atop Kris’s as he continued to hold him in his arms. Finally risking a glance over at his husband he was filled with an enormous amount of guilt at the amount of pain, anger and uncertainty he saw staring back at him.
“Are you going to talk to me at all tonight?” Adam asked Derek as they prepared for bed six months later after returning back to California. Since they had returned it had been one hardship and disappointment after another and the marriage between the two of them was suffering because of it. Adam refused to leave Kris’s side for a moment, going everywhere from appointments to see the specialists to Kris’s weekly appointments with a home care giver who specialized in helping the blind move forward with theirs lives. Derek felt alone and hurt that Adam never seemed to have the time for him any longer and the small amounts of time that they did have together, Kris somehow managed to impede on it.
“What’s the point when everything that I tell you, you do the opposite of” Derek ground out, throwing a decorative pillow on the floor.
“You act like this is easy for me” Adam defended, rushing around the bed picking the pillow up, tossing it on a nearby arm chair. “He’s lost and scared and I can’t help but be protective of him”
“Being protective is one thing, you act as if you are obsessed” Derek countered, brushing past Adam because he needed to get away from him.
“He’s my best friend Derek” Adam shouted in anger, unable to understand why his husband just didn’t seem to be getting it.
“No…he’s not” Derek yelled back. “Not that long ago you weren’t even speaking to him and now he’s your best friend?”
“You don’t understand” Adam growled, not really sure if he understood what he was trying to say as well, but unwilling to let Derek know that.
“Your right. I don’t” He agreed, kicking the bottom of the bed with his leather boot. “I don’t get any of this. You want to help him, fine I get that, but this is more then just helping him. It’s like maybe you want more and you think that if you are there for him that you just might get it”
“I can’t believe you just said that” Adam cried out, his mouth open in shock but his mind telling him that Derek was closer to the truth then he wanted to admit.
“Believe it” He yelled back, crossing his arms over his chest. “All I’ve ever heard from you idol friends since I’ve met you is how you and Kris were star crossed lovers. I’ve heard about how much you loved each other and yet because Kris was married you weren’t able to be together. I watched American Idol that season Adam so you have to know that I saw it with my own eyes as well. I didn’t need them to tell me how you felt about him because all of America saw it when you looked at him. I knew when I started to date you that there was always the possibility that you would leave me for him, but then when you asked me to marry you and…” He cut himself off, thinking back to the time when Adam had proposed to him. “You asked me to marry you in order to get back at him” He shot out, tears blurring his eyes because the words hurt so much to say.
“Derek…you’re being ridicules” Adam replied loudly, rushing across the room, attempting to pull his husband into his arms, even though he knew his words were one hundred percent true. The fact was that he loved Derek, but the wedding had only been a way to alert Kris that he was no longer going to wait for him.
“No…I don’t think that I am” He pushed Adam away, sitting down heavily on the bed. “Oh my god I’ve been such a fool”
“Derek, please just listen to me” Adam begged softly, sitting down next to his husband, but not touching him.
“Just tell me the truth Adam” Derek asked, his throat raw and heavy with emotion as he looked up at the man that he loved, his always expressive eyes telling him more then he needed to know.
“It’s partly true” Adam surrendered, his own eyes glistening with tears as he stared down at the carpet trying to explain without hurting his husband more then he already had. “When I asked you to marry me part of the reason was to let Kris know that I was moving on, but I’ve never lied to you about how much I loved you” He assured, but he could tell by the look of horror on Derek’s face that the sentiment was anything but helpful.
“We were together for over a year before you asked me to marry you” Derek’s voice sounded pained and it killed Adam to hear as he closed his eyes and allowed his tears to fall silently. “So during that time you were just waiting for him to let you know that he was ready to be with you”
“Derek…please” Adam begged softly, his heart breaking because he knew that no matter how he tried to explain it, nothing was going to be the same after that night.
“If he had told you that he wanted to be together would you have left me to be with him?” He asked, looking at Adam as he found fascination with the floor once again.
“Please Derek” He begged again, refusing to look up from the carpet at his feet because he knew if he did that Derek would see it all in his eyes.
“Just answer the question” He demanded, his voice getting louder.
“I love you and I love our marriage, isn’t that enough” Adam asked, eyes still locked on the floor.
“Just answer the question?” Adam finally lost focus on the floor as he felt Derek get up and pace in front of him. “Don’t even bother because I already know the answer” He turned to face Adam, hand on the doorknob of the bedroom door. “I need to get out of here for awhile. I need to think”
Think about what?’ Adam cried out in fear as he jumped up, wrapping his arms around Derek in an attempt to crush him to his body. “Please don’t go. We can talk about this. I love you dammit. I’m not lying when I say that to you” He sobbed, grabbing Derek’s hand and cradling it to his chest. “Look in my eyes and see the truth” He switched tactics, cupping both sides of his face and forcing him to look into his eyes. “I love you”
“You love me now, but it doesn’t make it any less painful to know that I was just holding his place” Derek cried right along with Adam, wanting desperately to pull him into his arms and forget about everything that had just happened, but he knew that couldn’t happen as he pushed him away and ran from the room.
“Derek wait…” Adam cried out, chasing after him. “Where are you going? Don’t do this, please”
“I can’t be here right now. I need some time to think, some time to process everything. I’m going to go and stay with my brother for a while and then….” He trailed off because he didn’t know how to finish that sentence.
“Then what?” Adam sobbed as he grabbed onto his arm, forcing Derek to turn around before he reached the door. “Don’t leave. We just need to talk and we can work things though together. I love you”
“I can’t hear that right now” He responded, pulling Adam’s hands off of him as he grabbed his keys off of the hallway table and rushed out of their home.
Adam could only stare at the front door, trying to figure out where his life had gone so completely off track that there was a huge possibility that he could lose his husband. “Adam…” He heard Kris say his name behind him. “Adam what’s going on?”
“Nothing…” He lied, wiping his face clear of moisture even though he knew Kris couldn’t see it. “Derek just went out for a while”
“You’re crying. I can hear it in your voice” Kris cried out, moving slowly towards where he had heard Adam’s voice.
“I’m fine” Adam fibbed again, stepping forward and meeting Kris halfway. “It’s late. Let’s get you back to bed” He tried to guide Kris towards the room he was staying in, but he stopped short at the hand on his arm.
“I’m not tired and you sound as if you need to talk” Kris said, taking Adam’s hand and cautiously stepping towards where he felt the couch would be. He couldn’t help but feel a bit of pride as he felt the smooth fabric under his free hand, using it as a guide to help him maneuver the two of them towards the front. “He’s upset that I’m still here” Kris continued, still holding Adam’s hand as they sat together in silence for a few moments.
“No…this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me” Adam replied, fresh tears glistening within his eyes as he fell backwards onto the cushions in frustration. He debated for a moment what to say to Kris as he sat beside him. “He thinks that the only reason that I married him was to get back at you”
Kris felt his breath catch in his throat at Adam’s words, wanting to know if they were true so badly, but feeling so guilty as well as Roberto’s image plagued his mind. “Did you?” He asked anyway, closing his sightless eyes for a moment before opening them again in wait of his response.
“I don’t know” Adam sighed, his throat achy and painful as he curled further into the cushions, playing with Kris’s pinky finger absentmindedly. “Yes…” He finally came clean, his heart lurching into his stomach at the look of shock on Kris’s face and the way that he had jerked his hand away as if he had been burned by his touch.
“Adam…” Kris said his name although he had nothing else to say after that”
“You think I don’t know what a horrible fuck I’ve been?” He yelled at Kris, feeling bad for about a second before the anger took over. “I waited for you and I waited for you and he came into my life and although I did care for him at the time, the only reason I agreed to marry him was to make you jealous, to show you that I moved on” Jerking himself off of the couch, he began to pace back and forth through the living room, his emotions so mixed up and fucked up that he didn’t know what he was supposed to be feeling. “I always cared for him, but I still held hope that you might come back into my life and when we met in the bathroom all those years ago I thought that I had finally gotten what I wanted most in the world, but you shot me down. You told me that you loved him more and I decided to focus on my marriage and little by little my feelings for him began to grow. It might have been fucked up and backwards, but I started to fall in love with him and then I heard about what happened to you on the news and everything got so fucked up again. I love him Kris, but I can’t stand here before you and say that I don’t still love you too”
“I can’t be with you Adam” Kris replied quickly starting to panic a little bit and yet he wasn’t sure why because for the longest time since Roberto’s death he had thought that being with Adam was what he wanted.
“I know” Adam said with such sadness to his voice that it actually brought tears to his eyes. “I just want you to know that I wasn’t expecting anything from you just because I brought you here. I may love you Kris but I do want to try and work things out with my husband. He deserves at least that” He sighed as he sat back down on the couch.
“I think that it’s a good idea that I find somewhere else to stay. You and Derek have been so amazingly kind to take care of me after Roberto’s death, but it’s time for me to learn to be on my own”
“Kris, you don’t have to leave. Derek and I will be fine and…”
“And what Adam?” Kris cut him off before he could say anything more. “You plan to take care of me like a child for the rest of my life? I know that you want to help me and I appreciate it, but I have to face the facts that I probably won’t ever get my sight back and I’m going to have to learn to live with it on my own”
“I know that “Adam defended himself, saddened and a little angry at the way Kris was acting after everything he had done for him. “I’ve practically given up my career and possibly my marriage to be there for you and this is how you repay me” He yelled, getting up off of the couch because he couldn’t stand to be so close to Kris any longer.
“I never asked you to come for me Adam…never asked for you to give up anything” Kris shot back with his own angered glare in the direction he thought Adam might be standing in.
“No…you’re right you never did ask but you sure as hell did take” Adam laughed humorlessly. “Not once in the six months that you’ve been here have you said anything about being on your own. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick to be there for you for every little thing but the fact of the matter is that you not once tried to stop me”
“I know and I should of” Kris relied softly, closing his eyes because he knew that Adam was right. “I was scared and I didn’t want to be alone and you were so willing to be there for me. I knew I was taking advantage of you but I couldn’t stop myself because I’m selfish and now…” He couldn’t say anything else as tears of shame ran down his face. “I’m so sorry” He sobbed when he felt Adam sit down beside him and pull him into his arms.
“You’re not selfish, you just had a lot of bad things happen to you in a short period of time” Adam murmured against the top of Kris’s head as he continued to hold onto him because he knew his time with Kris was growing short. “I think that we’ve both been clinging onto each other for different reasons and maybe it is time that we give each other up and work on ourselves”
“That sounds so final” Kris sniffled against Adam’s chest, knowing that he was right but unsure if he could break the ties that seemed to bind them together and had since the first time they had met during Idol.
“Nothing is ever going to be final with us” Adam assured and it almost sounded like a promise and in that second Kris felt something inside him click, something that told him Adam was right and it was time to make a change and take control of his life once again. He had no idea what that meant for him or Adam in the future but something told him that things would never be final between then. He hoped it was true and yet at the same time he looked forward to discovering what the future held for him alone.
Three Years Later…
“There you are I was wondering where you had wandered off too” Adam smile as Derek walked up to him with a smile on his face and his phone in his hand.
“The babysitter called while I was in the restroom” Derek replied with a smile as he handed the phone to Adam.
“Hi Daddy” He heard his daughter’s cheerful voice as he placed the phone to his ear”
“Hi baby…what are you doing up this late young lady?” He scolded playfully, a huge smile crossing his face because no matter how hard he tried he could never stay angry for long when it came to his daughter.
“I miss you. I can’t wait to see you” She said and Adam could hear the pout in her voice, causing him to smile even wider.
“I miss you too” His heart dipping a little in his chest at just how much those words were true. “But I promise you that you will see me the minute you open your eyes in the morning” He assured, rolling his eyes playfully as Derek watched him.
“Kay Daddy…I love you” She yawned, the babysitters voice coming on a moment later assuring him that she had fallen back to sleep.
“She gets it from you” Derek laughed as Adam handed his phone back. “She’s done nothing but talk about you and all the fun things you are going to do together now that you are back”
“Fuck…I’ve missed her” Adam sighed, wishing so much that he could be with his daughter instead of the album release party being thrown in his honor.
“I know visitation is technically only one week but if you want to spend more time with her you know we can work something out” Derek said as he placed his hand on his ex-husbands shoulder and gave it a squeeze because he knew how hard being away from their daughter was on him sometimes. “Gary and I were actually thinking about talking to you about changing the visitation to something that is more equal. I know you said you were okay with the judge’s decision for one week a month and I admit that I was still so angry at you at the time that I didn’t fight it, but now I see that you really didn’t get a fair decision and I think it’s time to remedy that. I think our daughter would be more than okay with that”
“I don’t…I don’t know what to say” Adam stammered with tears in his eyes because despite the fact that he had forgiven Derek for taking him to court for custody in the first place after their divorce, he was still upset that he was only able to spend one week a month with the person who meant everything to him.
“You don’t have to say anything right now. Just know that I realized thanks to Gary that I was being selfish and I plan to remedy that as soon as we can sit down and figure it out. However…tonight we are going to celebrate the release of this fucking fantastic album” He boasted loudly as he grabbed two glasses of Champaign from off of a tray as a waiter walked by.
“It really is fantastic isn’t it?” Adam beamed proudly because after severing ties with Kris and then his divorce from Derek he had jumped head first into the making of his newest album. He had made a promise to himself to bear his broken soul through song and in the process he had found healing as well.
“It really is” Derek told him as he leaned forward and kissed his ex on the cheek.
“Should I be jealous?” They both heard another man speak behind them.
“Nah…” Adam replied with a smile as he reached out and shook hands with the man who had taken his place in Derek’s life nearly a year prior. “Good to see you man. Thanks for coming” He smiled, still amazed at how easy the two of them had gotten along right from the beginning despite the history shared between he and Derek.
“Are you kidding me….like I would miss the change to hob knob with celebrities” He teased as he wrapped his arm around his lover’s waist. “Why do you think I stick with this one” He nodded towards Derek with a glint of mischief in his eyes.
“Because you love me you jerk” Derek grinned back, smacking him playfully on the ass before stealing a quick kiss. Adam watched the playful banter continue between the two men who obviously were totally in love with each other and his heart ached. It didn’t ache because of his past with Derek because he was truly happy that he had been able to find happiness with someone else after their divorce had turned ugly. Instead it was an ache in which he wished that he could find what they shared because as much as he didn’t want to admit it to himself he was so fucking lonely sometimes that he felt as if it would crush him. He wondered what Kris was up to, wondered if he had found someone to make him whole again since he hadn’t heard from him since the day he moved out of Adam’s home and on with his life. He tried not to think of him often, but late at night when he was all alone he found his mind often wandering to Kris and how he still felt despite everything that they belonged together. “You know Adam, I know someone who would be perfect for you. I could set it up if you want to” He heard Gary speak, jerking him away from those thoughts of Kris.
“Um…and on that note I’m out of here” Adam laughed, it feeling somewhat strained because the last thing he wanted was his ex-husbands lover to feel sorry for him. “I’ll keep it in mind though” He lied with as much as a real smile as he could muster. “We’ll talk about the custody changes later” He said to Derek with a nod before taking his leave. He knew he should have felt bad for the way he had just left but at that point in time he just needed some space and maybe enough drinks to help him forget how alone he really was.
Kris felt as if every eye was upon him as he entered the room full of happy and celebrating people, but he didn't care because since he had come back to the states anywhere he went people stared at him. Tightening his grip on the leash of his guide dog he followed him as he led him towards the back of the room. He was on a mission as he guided them smoothly through the many people surrounding them. He could hear the murmuring and whispers around him but he didn't care what they were saying because he only had one goal in mind and that was to find a specific person. "What is it boy" He questioned his dog when they came to a stop, rolling his eyes behind his darkened prescription lenses because he knew he couldn't answer him. He felt a chilled nose sniff at his hand before he once again began carefully leading him off towards their destination. His breath caught in his throat as they entered the room and a familiar scent invaded his nostrils. "Leather and cologne" He whispered but loud enough that the other person in the room heard him.
"Kris...Kris is that really you?" He heard Adam ask but he couldn't answer due to the lump in his throat as he closed his eyes and tried to control his tears. It had been far too many years since he had heard that voice and it wasn't until that point in time that he realized how much he had missed hearing it.
"Easy boy" He choked out when his dog sent out a small growl of warning as Adam approached him. "Down" He instructed his dog with a tearful smile as he released his leash and fell into Adam's arms.
"Oh my god...what are you doing here?" Adam asked as he hugged Kris so tight that he knew he couldn't respond yet he hugged him even harder despite it.
"Can't breathe" Kris gasped against Adam's chest, but refused to let him go when he tried to pull away. "Just another minute please" He begged because he really had missed having Adam in his life and he just needed to know that he was truly there in the moment. “Really can’t breathe” He gasped again but with a playful smile as he forced himself to step away from the man, yet not far enough that he couldn’t still feel the warmth of his body next to him. “I heard your album” He replied to Adam’s question as he looked up and took in the handsome face before him. “I had to come and tell you myself that it’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard. I mean the first time I heard it I was overwhelmed by all the emotions raining over me and after I heard it the second time I was a bawling mess.”
“Thanks…I think” Adam replied with an awkward smile because he didn’t really know how to take what Kris had just said.
“Did you not hear the part where I said it was the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard” He teased as he reached out and took Adam’s hand into his own. “I’ve listened to it over and over again and it still breaks me every time. You really put all of your emotions into this album” He said as he brought the hand he was holding to his lips and kissed it softly. “I love you too you know….I always have and I always will”
“I know…” Adam replied around a sob because he knew Kris knew without having to say the actual words that the album had been all about Kris and the love he felt for him. From the very first song until the last it had chronicled the highs and lows of their relationship as well as the love and the devastating pain. There had been many an instance where Adam had felt the emotions were going to be too much for him, that it was going engulf him and never let him go but he had pushed through determined to finish what he had started. His hardest song, the last one on the album was the one where he declared through lyrics and music just how much he still loved Kris Allen and always would. He had titled it “Forever” because he knew that was how long he was going to love Kris and he wanted everyone who heard it to know, including the man he had written it about. “I do too” He whispered as he closed his eyes and tucked Kris as close to his body as he could.
“I know this is your party but can we get out of here” Kris asked, his hold on Adam tightening just a bit because as much as he wanted to leave, he kind of liked being wrapped up in his arms at that moment as well.
"I should probably stay but you are more important than some stupid party" Adam replied quickly as he stepped back and smiled down at the man he was still head over heels in love with.
"Ok..." Kris smiled back, not even willing to argue over the fact that Adam was willing to leave the party being thrown in his honor. It had been three years since he had broken both of their hearts and walked out of his life. He knew leaving was for the best because he had to learn to live on his own once again but it didn't make it any less painful and only continued to grow worse with every single day that passed.
"I just need to let Derek and Gary know that I'm leaving and..." He hesitated for a moment when be remembered that he was supposed to pick up his daughter first thing in the morning. "Shit...I have to pick up my daughter tomorrow morning and then I have her for the rest of the week"
"Neil told me that you had a daughter" Kris said with a playful smile. "Who would have thought the great and powerful Adam Lambert would be a daddy one day" He teased at the dreamy look that washed over Adam's face.
"She's changed my life in ways that I would have never imagined" Adam replied with a huge smile upon his face. “Oh and on the way you can also explain to me how it is that you have been speaking to my brother and not me Kristopher Allen these last few years" He teased as he watched Kris take the leash and give the dog a few commands, even though it had stung quite a bit when Neil had told him.
"It's quite simple" Kris replied as he took Adam’s arm and followed him as he led them from the room. "I went back to New York for a short time after my treatments and he just happened to be at the same restaurant I was dining at one night" Kris explained, going quiet when Adam came to a stop, his body going stiff.. “Adam…” He spoke his name hesitantly his own body going rigid as a familiar figure came into view.
"Kris...it's nice to see you again" He heard Derek speak.
"Hello Derek and you as well" He replied politely, yet cautiously because he wasn't sure how he was going to react to seeing him again after everything that had happened between the three of them.
"Um...hello I'm Gary" He heard another voice speak. "I'm Derek's partner"
"Nice to meet you…I'm Kris Allen" Was his response as his grip on Adam's arm tightened.
"Oh trust me I know all about you. More than I ever wanted to know" The man joked but it made everything around them become even more uncomfortable as Adam's entire body went rigid once again.
"What the fuck Gary" Adam cried out angrily wanting to punch him in the worst way possible.
"I apologize Kris. I'm sure you are confused about the dynamics going on here" Derek popped up, actually looking regretful at his lover’s bad joke. "Gary isn't only my partner but he was my divorce lawyer during the divorce and despite his poorly timed joke he truly does know a lot about you"
"Oh..." Was all Kris could say because he had no idea how he should respond to that.
"We're leaving" Adam spoke up instead, his stance still ridged. "Kris and I have a lot of catching up to do" He smiled meanly as he locked eyes with Derek, intending to cause a little sting due to his words and knowing he had at the way the man flinched.
"It's ok" Kris spoke up with as much of a smile as he could muster. "Our situation has always been a bit strange" He shrugged as he looked between Derek and Adam. “I just hope that we can figure things out and work together because I'm back for good, as long as Adam still wants me in his life" He shrugged again, blushing a bit because he had totally taken for granted that Adam was still in love with him and would want him in his life permanently.
"I think we all know the answer to that" Derek grinned as he took in the tender look Adam shared with Kris.
"I shouldn't have assumed earlier. It’s just that…well I’ve been away for so long and although I knew you were divorced I just assumed that you still had feelings for me and after listening to your album I just…” He wasn’t able to say another word as he was gathered up in Adam’s strong arms, the barest hint of a kiss placed on his lips before it was gone and chaos erupted all around them. Kris had no idea what was going on for a moment as he nearly fell to the ground if not for several sets of hands grabbing onto him before he did.
“Kris…call off your dog” He heard someone yell, realizing it was Adam as he looked down and found him pinned to the ground by a very angry guide dog.
“Mitchel...release” He yelled over the snarling and growling going on. “Heel” He commanded yet again as he held out his hand and waited for the trained dog to sit beside him. “Down” He commanded once again as he patted the dogs head in reassurance. “Easy” He smiled when the dog nudged his hand and gave a soft whine.
“Adam…I’m so sorry but he’s been trained to not only guide me but to protect me as well” Kris explained when he turned to face Adam. .
“You named him Mitchel?” Adam asked in astonishment, ignoring the people around him clamoring to ensure that he was alright.
“I couldn’t very well named him Adam now could I? That would have been just a little too weird don’t you think?” Kris teased but Adam could see the fear etched across his face despite the joke.
“We are going back to my place. You are going to lock that mutt up in one of that guest rooms and we are going to talk about this and everything else before I fuck you though the mattress” Adam said sternly. “If this plays out the way that I think it is Kris is now going to be part of my life. I hope you meant what you said when you told me that you were willing to work with me on shared custody” He said to Derek before turning his eyes towards Gary. “I would still like to pick her up tomorrow and spend my week with her. I'd like you to get to know her and her to get to know you if that's okay with you?” He said looking at Kris because as much as he hoped Kris would easily accept his daughter, he truly had no idea if he would.
“I can't wait to meet her” Kris replied and he meant those words as he reached out and took Adam’s arm once again. “But I think we need to talk before that can happen” He added because there really was so much for them to talk about before they could move forward.
“Why don't the two of you come over for breakfast in the morning. It will give us a chance to talk before we introduce Kris to Kylie” Derek said as he looked over at Adam and then at Kris.
“If Gary agrees to make his world famous waffles then we have a deal” Adam teased trying to lift some of the tension felt between them.
“Deal” Gary grinned, putting his hand out and shaking Adam’s hand. “See you in the morning then” He turned to Kris next, hold poised in front of him as they all waited to see what Kris would do.
“See you in the morning” Kris smiled as he shook the offered hand.
“See you tomorrow” Adam nodded towards Derek as he placed his hand over kris’s hand and led them towards the exit. “You know this could really be a problem” Adam grumbled as they rode in the back of his limo, Kris’s dog Mitchel, sitting between them watching every move he seemed to make.
“Maybe it's a good thing he's between us because as much as I know we should be talking all I can think about doing is climbing in your lap and kissing you senseless”
"I really like that idea better than talking” Adam teased even though his nerves were high strung.
“Adam…” Kris half scolded, half whined.
“Fine…but just so you know when I do get to kiss you I will never stop. We have a lot of years to make up for” He grinned at Kris from around the dog.
“Mitchel off” Kris commanded, nudging his dog forward and then pointing towards the seat across from them. “Down and stay” He directed as he watched him reluctantly follow his command. He knew it was going to take some time for Mitchel to get used to Adam being around as well as Adam getting used to Mitchel. “Good boy” He assured his dog with a nod as he shifted around until he was straddling Adam’s legs. “You are even more beautiful than I remember” He smiled softly as he traced the tips of his fingers tips over his face before he leaned in to kiss Adam.
“Wait…what do you mean?” Adam cried out as he pulled back before Kris could fully kiss him. “You can see now?” He asked as he looked through the darkened glass of his glasses before pulling them off.
“Jesus Christ…” Kris cried out as he grabbed his glasses back before placing them over his blinking eyes. “Warn a guy before you do something like that” He gruffed as he sat back on Adam’s leg, still not comfortable with people looking at him without the protection of his dark lenses.
"Shit Kris…I'm sorry” He rushed out as he leaned forward and bracketed Kris’s body with his arms before he tried to pull away. “Fuck…I'm trying not to fuck things up here but I'm a nervous wreck if I'm being honest” He said as he leaned forward even more and hid his face in Kris’s chest.
"We really do have a lot to talk about" Kris replied with a smile as he wrapped his arms around Adam’s shoulders and held him close. Can we just stay like this until we get to your place and then we can talk” He murmured into Adam’s shoulder.
“Yeah…yeah we can do that” Adam replied softly as he closed his eyes and just let the warmth and scent of Kris surround him.
“I knew I had to try and take control of my life after I left you but I had no idea where or how to start” Kris began his story as they sat in the living room after the limo had dropped them off. “I ended up staying at the center for the blind here in California for about a year. While there they taught me how to take care of myself and how to function in society. While I was there I began to do some research and found that there was this doctor in Amsterdam that had been doing some research on this experimental eye surgery. I was able to get in touch with him and flew down there to see if I was eligible for the surgery. Turns out he felt I was a great candidate and the surgery was done. I got some of my sight back but legally I'm still considered blind. My glasses are prescription and help me make things out that are close to me but anything far away is mostly a blur. The surgery has helped some but as I get older my sight will deteriorate until I'm completely blind” Kris explained, curling into himself as he sat on the couch next to Adam.
“If you think that is a deterrent then you better think again Kristopher Allen” Adam told him as he reached out and took Kris’s trembling hand. “Look I've loved you pretty much from the moment I laid eyes on you and that had noting to do with your sight. I've waited a long time for you to truly be in my life and now that you are here nothing is going to change that. I love you Kris no matter what has happened in our past or what happens in our future”
“Take me to bed” Kris whispered as he stood up and tugged on the hand Adam still held.
“I thought we needed to talk” Adam smirked, standing up regardless because there was no way he was going to wait one more second to make love to Kris.
“We can talk afterwards” Kris smirked back as he stepped forward and kissed Adam sweetly. “It's time. I don't want to wait any longer”
“I love you and I'm never letting you go again” Adam whispered against his ear as he pulled Kris into his arms and held on.
“ I love you too and you better not” Kris mumbled into Adam’s chest, eyes closed as he silently thanked a higher power that he was finally back where he always knew he was supposed to be”
The End…for now. I'm in the process of working on a sequel and will post it as soon as I can. :)