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There's really no way in which this ficlet is not wrong, wrong, wrong

title: Gift
fandom: FMA
pairing: OT4
rating: R
warnings: sex toys and fluff of the weirdest possible sort

When Roy held out his gift, his smile couldn't have been prouder. So much so, that Gracia felt is was almost mandatory to match it.

"Well now," Gracia said, keeping her voice bright. "Did you make this?"

"Yes," Roy nodded.

"I helped!" Maes added.

"Did you, now? How nice of you two! Riza, don't you think this is very nice?"

Riza stared at the gift, resting in Roy's open hands. "What is it?"

Roy wilted slightly. "What does it look like?"

There was a long moment of extraordinarily awkward silence. "It looks like two metal penises, soldered together at the testicles."

Roy immediately brightened, and Maes grinned. "That's exactly what it is!"

Riza's eyes widened, and Gracia's did, too. "Really?" Gracia said.

"Of course! This end is just like mine, and this end is just like his." Roy nodded his head in Maes' direction. "I took one of your muffin tins, shifted the molecular structure around a little bit, and - voila!"

"Uh-huh..." Riza said, slowly. "What...what's it...for?"

"It's for you two know..." Maes wagged his eyebrows as he said it. "Use on each other. You know, simultaneously."

"While we watch!" Roy added.

Riza and Gracia exchanged an incredulous look. "Well," Gracia finally managed to say. "Isn't that thoughtful? Aren't you two the thoughtful ones? Riza - don't you think this was very thoughtful of Roy and Maes?"

"I'm actually pretty happy with that thing you do with your fingers..." Riza muttered, wiggling her fingers in a fair imitation.

Gracia elbowed her in the side. "Thoughtful..."

"Oh, right. Thoughtful." Riza nodded abruptly. "Really. Very...thoughtful."

"So, you like it?" Roy asked, watching Riza hopefully.

She could only look at him for a second, before smiling and saying, "I can honestly say this is the most unique and...intimate gift I've ever received. Thank you."

Roy's answering smile was almost enough to make her consider touching the thing...almost.

"So, honeybunch," Maes began, taking Gracia by the elbow, "Wanna try it out?"

Gracia's smile faltered for the briefest of moments. "Now?"


"Um..." Riza and Gracia both stared at the gift, and at the same time, blurted "I can't - I'm on my period." They turned their heads to glance at each other and added, simultaneously, "I mean, she's on her period." Riza shot Gracia a work-with-me glare, and Gracia burst out into a lightly nervous laugh.

"Isn't that funny?" Gracia said, her voice only a little bit higher than usual. "I'd always heard that when women are very close - like Riza and I are..." She grabbed Riza's arm, just to underscore the point. "...that they can get their cycles at the same time. Isn't that funny? I just think that's the funniest thing..."

"It's very funny," Riza agreed, her voice and face completely serious.

Roy and Maes looked nothing but dejected, so Gracia added, "You know what, though? You boys were so very thoughtful, so you should get some kind of reward. I'll tell you what - Riza and I will go to the market right now and get some fresh apples and some ice cream, and I'll make you a nice apple pie. Would you like that?"

Roy and Maes glanced at each other, small smiles growing. "That'd be great, honeybunch," Maes replied. "You're the best."

Gracia smiled back at him, leaned forward to press her lips to his cheek, and as she pulled away, Maes murmured, "So...when you're done with the...y'know, the female'll try it out then, right?"

Gracia smiled the smile that made her nose crinkle up, patted his hand, and said, "We'll see."

"...We'll see...?"

But Gracia and Riza were out the door in a whirl, before Maes could clarify if that was a probably 'we'll see' or a no way in hell 'we'll see', leaving Roy and Maes standing there with the gift still in Roy's hand.

Maes glanced at the gift, then at Roy. " wanna try it out?"

Roy shrugged. "Sure, why not?"