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the Domestic Meme ~ the Clint/Bruce edition

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Who’s the big spoon/little spoon?

Clint’s usually the big spoon, though he sometimes lets Hulk do the spooning when Hulk’s hauled Clint off to the woods somewhere to keep him safe. Hulk only really does the spooning then because he thinks Cupid’s too small, Hulk has to protect him from everything, and Clint goes along with that because he thinks it’s hilarious and adorable. Still, when they aren’t off in the woods somewhere because Hulk’s run away with Clint after a mission — or, occasionally still, mid-fight — it’s always Clint doing the spooning. Like when they’re just in Bruce’s room at night, or when they’re in the containment cell while Bruce is de-hulking, Clint’s got his back. Sometimes, though, being big spoon for Bruce means putting himself between Bruce and the door.

Whatever, Clint’s relationship is complicated, okay? He can totally big spoon from the little spoon position sometimes.


What is their favourite non-sexual activity?

Hanging out in Bruce’s lab, watching Bruce science. Clint only understands about half of what goes on in the lab any given day and he’s usually lost when Bruce and Tony start going, but Bruce is just fun to watch, so whatever, Clint doesn’t mind. Bruce gets all excited about things and when it’s just Clint around, sometimes Bruce explains why he’s so excited in terms Clint can follow, and there is nothing Clint’s ever done that feels as good.

Like, without skin-on-skin contact, anyway.

Bruce likes having Clint around, too, especially now that he knows Clint’s not just there to play mutant overseer for SHIELD. Clint cracks really bad jokes and flies paper airplanes across the lab when he’s bored and he’s pretty good at figuring out when Bruce needs a distraction and when Bruce needs to be left in peace.

Also — and Bruce is still working out a way to explain this to Natasha or Coulson or Fury — Bruce really likes that Clint’s never careful around Bruce, that Clint doesn’t watch himself or censor himself or anything.

Clint’s favorite thing to do with Hulk involves cartoons and Coco Puffs, but kicking ass together is pretty awesome, too.


Who uses all the hot water in the morning?

Ordinarily, neither of them, though if Clint knows he has time off, he likes to make the most of it. Bruce still understands the luxury of hot and cold running water but he keeps his indulgences brief in case he has to give them up again.

Can’t be too careful, Bruce thinks, and if Clint knew that’s why Bruce is a five-minute shower guy, he’d do something about it.


What do they order from takeout?

They don’t much because Cap is not a fan of ordering takeout when there’s a perfectly good kitchen fully stocked, and Cap really likes having team meals once a day, but sometimes Clint pulls the date card and gets them a one night pass.

Bruce has a favorite Thai place a few blocks over and every so often, he gets really intense cravings for Indian, which is still sort of growing on Clint. Clint’s a beer and pizza and hot wings guy but he can’t help indulging Bruce and whatever, Clint’s fine with that.

Hulk likes big fancy things with whipped cream and chocolate syrup from Starbucks. Clint’s already threatened to fucking end the first person to tell Bruce.


What is the most trivial thing they fight over?

Bruce’s refusal to wear Clint’s clothes again. He did it once accidentally and Clint liked it a hell of a lot more than he’d thought he would but Bruce won’t do it again. Clint thinks Bruce is being ridiculous, Clint doesn’t care if his shirt gets destroyed and whatever, there are lots of days Bruce doesn’t hulk out at all, but Bruce hates the reminder of how mindless and out-of-control he gets. It’s okay when it’s just costing Bruce, he’s come to terms with that, but it bothers him when he wrecks something of Clint’s.


Who does most of the cleaning?

Clint picks up after Hulk, who thinks it’s hilarious to knock shit over just because, and Clint keeps the hospital corners on the bed, plus Clint gets double-duty on the vacuuming rotation for Cap’s chores chart because Clint’s one of very few Avengers who can work it without breaking it or trying to reinvent the Roomba. (Tony cheats, Tony totally cheats, and Cap’s still not awesome with the ‘fancy technology’, and Thor shorts it out. Natasha just plain refuses unless Cap’s around. Clint is not allowed to ask what that’s about, but he can guess.)

Bruce picks up, too, when he remembers, but he gets distracted easily by his big genius brain and Clint doesn’t mind covering for him, because that’s just how Bruce is. Still, Clint is not a cleaner by nature, only just by habit, and Bruce by nature is, so if you asked either of them, they’d probably get it wrong.


What has a season pass in their DVR?

Clint likes Spike TV and he really likes Deadliest Warrior, but he only watches 1000 Ways to Die with Natasha so they can laugh about it. Okay, he laughs and Nat pulls that not-smile of hers, but fuck it, Clint knows what that means.

Tony thinks Clint likes reality TV but Clint just turns that shit on to annoy Tony and Cap — Tony gets twitchy about the inanity and Cap gets baffled by all the pop culture references — and by the time Clint’s got Cap convinced they’re all living in Big Brother: Superheroes, Tony’s threatening to cut off Clint’s TV privileges permanently. (Tony only takes it back when he finds out Clint’s introduced Thor to Iron Chef.)

Cap gets a good week of paranoia in before Coulson, the killjoy, explains.

Clint and Bruce watch CSI sometimes so Bruce can pick apart the science and Clint can pick apart the crimes, but they refuse to watch CSI: Miami unless absolutely nothing else is on. Still, sometimes Clint makes Bruce laugh pulling a Horatio with his sunglasses.

Bruce has a few things from the Discovery Channel he likes, and a few more from National Geographic, and Clint sits through them purely because there’s making out afterwards if he stays awake.

No one ever asks why Clint has a selection of Saturday morning cartoons at the ready, or why Clint’s seen all the episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic enough to quote them. Everyone just assumes Hulk is a brony.

Truth is, so is Clint.


Who leaves their stuff around?

Bruce leaves his shit everywhere when he’s in science mode, not because he’s untidy but because he’s absent-minded. Distracted. Clint finds his glasses on the kitchen table, finds Bruce stirring his herbal tea with a pen, and stubs his toe a few times on the stack of journals Bruce hasn’t had time to read yet. When Bruce isn’t in science mode, he’s pretty good with his stuff — Clint refuses to count hulking out as something Bruce does in terms of tidiness — but when he is, different story.

Clint’s okay with it, though, because when Bruce is in full-on science mode and Clint’s out on missions, coming home to abandoned mugs on the nightstand and a lab coat on a chair is enough to tell him what he’s dealing with when he finally tracks Bruce down.

Secretly, Clint likes it; it’s like having Bruce around, even when he can’t, tangible proof Bruce will drift back to him when the science mode is finished.

Still, Clint has no problem leaving his stuff in Bruce’s bedroom, stray t-shirts and shit, his toothbrush and his razor.

No one but no one beats Hulk for leaving shit, though. Clint’s not sure it’s possible.


Who remembers to buy the milk?

JARVIS. Seriously, Cap puts it on the list if it’s not on there already and whoever’s up for shopping in that week’s rotation brings it home. Bruce is better at remembering to put it on the list when he’s used the last of it, though.


Who remembers anniversaries?

Clint remembers their first kiss but couldn’t tell you what day it happened, and he has a vague idea of when he thinks they started going out but he’s not sure how fast Bruce caught on that that’s what was happening. So Clint could probably give the most accurate guesstimate but he doesn’t ever bring it up because he’s not sure he wants to hear Bruce’s take on it.

Bruce wants to say the date he has in mind is the right one but he strongly suspects things started well before that and he’s never really gotten a straight answer from Clint about how oblivious he’s been. The only thing they’d both agree on is that the date Pepper thinks it happened is wrong, because she’s gotten her information from Tony and they’d successfully kept him in the dark for weeks.

They’re both ridiculously proud they could.

And while it never comes up with Hulk, if you asked him when he knew Cupid was his favorite, he’d beat both of them by months.


~ f ~