Minkowski: All right, this conversation is over. Hera, could you please initiate Eiffel Protocol M?
Eiffel: Commander? Hera, what did Minkowski mean by Protocol “M”? How many Eiffel protocols are there?
-Episode 2: Little Revolución
Eiffel Protocol A: In the event that Officer Eiffel has aggravated one of his fellow crew members, relaxing music is to be played in that crew member’s quarters until they are able to regain their composure.
Eiffel Protocol B: In the event that Officer Eiffel has severely aggravated both of his fellow crew members, loud and disturbing music will be played in Officer Eiffel’s quarters until he loses his composure.
Eiffel Protocol C: In the event that Officer Eiffel has stolen more than his share of the rations, his allotted daily calories will be recalculated for the remainder of the mission so that he does not jeopardize the survival of the other crew members with his selfishness.
Eiffel Protocol D: In the event that Officer Eiffel suffers malnutrition from the deployment of Eiffel Protocol C, the allotted daily calories of all crew members will be recalculated. (PROGRAM NOTE: But only in cases of severe malnutrition, Hera. He needs to be at death’s door for that to happen, understand? He cannot just hoard the cookies like a packrat and think he can get away with no consequences.)
Eiffel Protocol E: In the event that Officer Eiffel gains access to cigarettes while aboard the Hephaestus, the fire suppression protocols and burn treatment supplies are to be prepped and at the ready.
Eiffel Protocol F: In the event that Officer Eiffel has neglected his mandatory daily isometric exercise routine for seven days in a row, or ten days total in a one month period, he will be locked in the exercise room and have his heart rate monitored until he proves he has adequately kept his body from atrophying in zero gravity.
Eiffel Protocol G: In the event that Officer Eiffel has cried for longer than 15 minutes in one sitting, the humidity readings for any rooms he has occupied must be monitored closely, to avoid another Tear Cloud Incident.
Eiffel Protocol H: In the event that Officer Eiffel gets a nosebleed or any other minor injury, he is to be confined to one room until Dr. Hilbert can come to him, to avoid another Blood Trail Incident.
Eiffel Protocol I: In the event that Officer Eiffel has been caught playing with weapons in the arms locker and making “laser gun” noises, all of the security protocols will be reset and the access codes given only to Commander Minkowski.
Eiffel Protocol J: In the event that Officer Eiffel has aggravated Commander Minkowski to the extent that she is going to use said weapons on him, soothing music and a one minute “calming thoughts” clock is to be deployed before access to the armory is granted.
Eiffel Protocol K: In the event that Officer Eiffel really, really deserves to be shot, Eiffel Protocol J will be overridden.
Eiffel Protocol L: In the event that Officer Eiffel locks and/or barricades himself in any room on the Hephaestus, he is to be monitored for any severe signs of mental illness, but otherwise left to his own devices. (PROGRAM NOTE: If he wants to sulk like a child, let him. We can always punish him later, and we might actually get some work done in the meantime.)
Eiffel Protocol M: In the event that Officer Eiffel locks and/or barricades himself in any room on the Hephaestus while in possession of important supplies, the temperature in his location is to be lowered to an uncomfortable, but not lethal, degree until he sees reason and comes out.
Eiffel Protocol N: In the event that Officer Eiffel locks and/or barricades himself in any room on the Hephaestus while in possession of vital supplies, the canisters of nerve gas in Dr. Hilbert’s lab will be readied.
Eiffel Protocol O: In the event that Officer Eiffel discovers the unintentional sterilization impacts of Dr. Hilbert’s spore experiments, soothing music is to be played in his quarters, and reading materials readied on the positive and rewarding aspects of the adoption process.
Eiffel Protocol P: In the event that Officer Eiffel’s personal logs become so embellished as to become works of fiction, his incoherent ramblings are to be sent to Commander MInkowski’s personal computers for editing before being passed to Canaveral.
Eiffel Protocol Q: In the (PROGRAM NOTE: unlikely) event that Officer Eiffel’s communications work leads to first contact with extraterrestrial intelligent life, he is to be locked out of the comms room immediately, and the first diplomatic greetings will be left to more qualified crew members.
Eiffel Protocol R: In the event that Officer Eiffel tries to talk to anyone important without supervision, he is to be locked out of the communications. Completely.
Eiffel Protocol S: In the event that Officer Eiffel forgets to properly set the vacuums while shaving or cutting his hair, the air filtration systems in his immediate location will be recalibrated to avoid another Hair Tornado Incident.
Eiffel Protocol T: In the event that Officer Eiffel stops tending towards his personal hygiene for three days in a row, or for ten days total in a one month period, the air filtration systems throughout the Hephaestus will be recalibrated to avoid another Stink Trap Incident.
Eiffel Protocol U: In the event that Officer Eiffel refuses to tend to his personal hygiene, the autopilot has full permission to tell him any necessary lies, falsehoods, or omissions that will lead to his cleanliness. All other protocols about lying to crew members will remain intact. (PROGRAM NOTE: Seriously, don’t try me on this one, Hera. You can lie about the hot water situation, and that is it.)
Eiffel Protocol V: In the event that Officer Eiffel appears to be talking to himself with a greater frequency than normal, or if his solipsistic conversations take on a troubling air, the psych evaluation schedules will be adjusted. (PROGRAM NOTE: I think we can ignore his obsession with the daily logs, but…you know, let’s just keep an eye on that.)
Eiffel Protocol W: In the event that Officer Eiffel’s mental health seems to be taking a turn for the worse, Commander Minkowski is to be informed immediately, and morale raising programs deployed. (PROGRAM NOTE: I know they don’t do anything, but we’ll do what we can. Living in space is hard on everyone, even idiots.)
Eiffel Protocol X: In the event that Officer Eiffel accidentally comes into contact with a dangerous specimen or substance from Dr. Hilbert’s lab, the med center will be prepped and made as comfortable as possible for a potentially lengthy stay.
Eiffel Protocol Y: In the event that Officer Eiffel intentionally comes into contact with a dangerous specimen or substance from Dr. Hilbert’s lab, as many medical supplies as possible will be relocated to the brig.
Eiffel Protocol Z: In the event that Officer Eiffel has gained access to or distilled his own alcohol, his breathe vapor will be constantly monitored for intoxication levels and Commander MInkowski immediately informed, to avoid another Vomit Vacuum Incident.
Eiffel Protocol AA: In the event that Officer Eiffel tries his commander’s patience and tolerance with yet another hare-brained, stupid, dangerous scheme, or just general annoyance and incompetence, more protocols may be added as Commander Minkowski sees fit.
“Wow,” Doug said with a whistle, nodding appreciatively at the screen. “She got through the whole alphabet just on me.”
“Yep,” Hera confirmed. “They’ve been added to my database here and there throughout the mission, but I think the first few were added on Day 6.”
“So, how many Hilbert Protocols are there?”
“Right now I have Hilbert Protocols A through G set, though they do have a somewhat more narrow scope. Up through D, they’re all just additions to the fire and explosion safety programs.” Doug could hear the non-existent smirk in her voice. “Commander Minkowski had to get a bit more creative with you.”
He grinned and gave his best cheeky wink to where he was pretty sure one of the cameras was set into her console. “Want to help me find some loopholes?”
“Given the tone she took with me this morning over the oxygen readings… I think I would enjoy that quite a bit.”
“And hey, let’s shoot for a few more protocols while we’re at it. If we can drive her up to Greek letters, Eiffel Protocol Omega sounds really dramatic.”