Work Text:
Tony, you know how I’ve always respected you both as a businessman, a superhero and as a man?
- Clint
You need to learn the meaning of the word ‘both’, but do continue.
- Tony
I kind of need a favor, man.
- Clint
Tell me about my eyes.
- Tony
What?
- Clint
Well, I thought you were buttering me up.
- Tony
Oh. Right. Uh, they’re lovely. Really. Great corneas.
- Clint
Boy, Natasha’s a lucky woman. Bet you serenade her every night with tales of her sexy retinas.
- Tony
Oh, ha-ha. Sorry, I’m an assassin, not a fucking poet. Look, about this favor.
- Clint
Go on. I’m listening.
- Tony
Well, reading. I could use the voice function but that always seems a bit redundant.
- Tony
I may or may not have really pissed Tasha off and she’s filled the sofa bed with needles and told me to sleep on it.
- Clint
Ah. What did you say?
- Tony
She was being really pissy, you know? So I just asked if she was, you know, bleeding, and she went crazy!
- Clint
She threw a lamp. At my head, Tony. At my head.
- Clint
CLINT NO
- Tony
What possessed you to do that? Were you temporarily overcome by the spirit of a douchebag?
- Tony
I don’t see why it’s that bad!
- Clint
Look, when I was dating Pep, I once made the same mistake. JARVIS swore at me in Yiddish for two weeks straight. She wore high-necked blouses for a month. Women don’t like it when we ignorant men assume, Hawk. You’re lucky to still be breathing.
- Tony
Shit. How do I fix this? Pint of Ben & Jerry’s?
- Clint
If you want her to shave your face off in your sleep, go for it.
- Tony
You’re welcome to my sofa for tonight. Just for tonight, though. Steve will try and get you to stay up with him and eat marshmallows and watch Old Yeller otherwise, so it’s really for your benefit.
- Tony
Also, I want to have sex at some point, but it gets a bit weird with someone in the house, you know?
- Tony
A fireman.
- Clint
A common fantasy, but not one that will be appearing in my bedroom any time soon.
- Tony
That’s what I wanted to be as a kid. A fireman. If I’d actually become that, I’d be running into fire every day and saving chicks from burning buildings and getting bits of my body melted and shit, but my life would be a lot simpler than it is now.
- Clint
OK, Proust. Key’s under the mat. Metaphorically, of course. Like Stark Towers uses a system so insecure. But really. It’s under the mat.
- Tony
-
BRC
- Thor
Hi? What’s wrong with your phone?
- Bruce
GRTNGS!! IT IS I THOR XXX
- Thor
Are you drunk?
- Bruce
NT EVN SLITLY, FRND BRC! I WS TLKN 2 TONY YDAY ND HE TLD ME THT THER WAS A FSTR WAY OF TXTNG
- Thor
APPRNTLY IT JST INVLVS PRTNDNG THAT VWLS DNT EXST
- Thor
Oh, Jesus. Please don’t listen to Tony. For the love of God and all that is holy, type normally. I can barely read that.
- Bruce
LOL YE ODIN DOES LV U ALL HERE ON MDGRD, THT IS ACCUR8.
- Thor
The 8? The ‘lol’? Thor, I have to ask you this; why do you want to be King of Asgard when you clearly have such a promising career lined up ahead of you as a professional tool?
- Bruce
THE ONLY TOOL I RQRE IS MJLNR
- Thor
I think it’s probably the more intelligent half of your little comedy duo.
- Bruce
I DO NT UNDRSTND
- Thor
That makes two of us. Jesus, use some vowels.
- Bruce
N
- Thor
THT MNT NO
- Thor
BT I DDNT WNT 2 USE A VWL
- Thor
XXXXXXXXX
-Thor
I’m going to make something massive explode. If you come back to the lab and find that I’ve turned huge and green, it’s entirely your fault. Don’t even try to talk to me. Until you can type, we don’t talk.
- Bruce
K
- Thor
-
Tasha, look. I’m really sorry, OK? I get it now that when a woman’s pissed, it doesn’t always mean she’s bleeding from her vagina.
- Clint
I didn’t need to put that so bluntly.
- Clint
I’m sorry.
- Clint
Can’t hear you, busy menstruating.
- Natasha
Huh? So you ARE on your period?
- Clint
No. I can think of a much better use for a tampon right now. It involves you and your imminent death.
- Natasha
How would that even work?
- Clint
Don’t ask questions you don’t want answered. Go away.
- Natasha
Tasha, please.
- Clint
Later. We’ll talk later.
- Natasha
OK. Fine.
- Clint
I’m at Stark’s, by the way.
- Clint
I know. Pepper’s been listening in on your little conversations and filling me in.
- Natasha
Interesting things you guys talk about.
- Natasha
I will shoot you.
- Clint
I’d like to see you try, Barton. I’d like to see you try.
- Natasha
We’ll talk later, OK?
- Natasha
OK. :)
- Clint
Sorry. Smiley. Eurgh. Ha.
- Clint
OK.
- Clint
-
How’s it going?
- Bruce
And the Oscar award for ‘best actor’ this year goes to Tony Stark for his flawless and emotionally stirring performance as Clint Barton’s sympathetic BFFL in the romantic epic that is no-one’s life. You?
- Tony
The Oscar for ‘best supporting actor’ goes to Bruce Banner for his heart-wrenching performance as a misunderstood genius.
- Bruce
Ha. Nice.
- Tony
Thanks. Hey, it’s a shame Clint’s chewing your ear off about Tasha. We could blow shit up and bitch about men.
- Bruce
I think I’m a bad influence on you. What’s up, anyway?
- Tony
Text Thor. You’ll find out.
- Bruce
What, just text him? Anything in particular?
- Tony
Nope. Pretty sure you’ll see what I mean almost straightaway.
- Bruce
Wow. OK. Will do. Hey, about that blowing shit up. Rain check?
- Tony
Sure. Your lab or mine?
- Bruce
If Steve ever reads these, he is going to think we’re having some torrid, chemically induced affair.
- Tony
And then he’d be sick because that’s a genuinely disturbing mental image. Text Thor.
- Bruce
Doing it now! PS my place tomorrow at 9, don’t wear green. Preferably don’t wear anything at all, tiger.
- Tony
(If Steve’s reading this: KIDDING.)
- Tony
Thank God.
- Bruce
Speaking of which, brb.
- Tony
NOT YOU, TOO.
- Bruce
-
Why are men so stupid?
- Natasha
God knows. Actually, he probably doesn’t. Think it was a design flaw.
- Pepper
That would make sense. No way would someone intentionally create such a moronic species.
- Natasha
Maybe God just needs something to laugh at every now and then?
- Pepper
He’s got Thor for that, surely?
- Natasha
Ha. God’s got a pretty diverse sense of humour, I think. But let’s not get metaphorical. What’s up?
- Pepper
You know when someone annoys you and you want to be annoyed for a bit longer than you’re actually annoyed for?
- Natasha
Wow. OK. Is Natasha Romanoff pissed off because she’s feeling particularly congenial today? You, lady, are a bundle of contradictions.
- Pepper
I don’t even know. All I know is that I want to murder Clint in a myriad of creative ways but also tie him to the bed and cover him in chocolate sauce. What is wrong with me?
- Natasha
A serious case of TMI syndrome. The only cure is brain bleach. For me, that is, not for you. For you, there is no cure, because you’re suffering from something far more dangerous. You, Natasha, are suffering from LOVE.
- Pepper
I am not!
- Natasha
You are.
- Pepper
I am not having this argument. Not via text.
- Natasha
Mine. 10 minutes. Pistachios and chips.
- Pepper
And gateau?
- Natasha
Doctor’s orders.
- Pepper
-
So, big guy. Bruce told me to text you. I assume I’ll find out why.
- Tony
TNY! VRLY, IT IS GR8 2 HEAR FRM U!
- Thor
Oh my sweet, ever-loving Odin. This is priceless. This? This is the stuff Pulitzer Prize winning novels are made of.
- Tony
DID BRC SAY WHT HE WNTD U 2 SAY?
- Thor
To be honest, Thor, I think you’ve said everything necessary. Permit me to say one thing, though.
- Tony
GO AHED
- Thor
A, e, i, o, u.
- Tony
-
Tasha?
- Clint
Tashaaaaa
- Clint
When did you mean by ‘later’? It’s been a few hours.
- Clint
Tasha?
- Clint
-
BRC
- Thor
BRC
- Thor
BRC
- Thor
VRLY, TDAY HAS NT GN 2 PLN
- Thor
I MSS VWLS
- Thor
BRC, I WLL ASK TNY 2 RTRN MY VWLS
- Thor
-
To : Clint Barton, Natasha Romanoff, Donald Blake (Thor Odinson), Bruce Banner
From : Steve Rogers
Subject : Aw, Hell
This is very unlike me, sending out an e-mail en-masse, but I think it’s necessary. No-one is talking to each other. Well, they are, but not the right people. What happened to people talking through their problems? In my day… well. You don’t want to hear about my day. That’s what Tony’s for.
Anyway, down to business. I’ve been observing you all all day, and what I’ve seen makes me a bit angry. Your problems are all so easily solved.
Clint, Natasha loves you. She’s just annoyed that you don’t always try to understand her. Natasha, Clint is emotionally backwards. He’s trying. You just have to be patient. Solution: kiss and make up.
Thor, vowels are your friends. See, there’s three in the words ‘best friends’ alone, but only two in ‘enemy’. Whatever that means. I don’t know. Anyway, we all just want to understand what you’re saying. You’re so wise, it’s good to be able to read your texts. Bruce, Thor is new to Earth. Uh, Midgard. Therefore, he’s going to make some cultural errors. You have to be patient, like Tash. You two should sign up for patience training or something.
There. That’s it, and that’s all. I am going to lock my door now and if anyone – and I mean anyone – tries to contact either myself or Tony about their petty problems tonight, I will get Nick to give you all such a telling off.
- Steve (Captain America)
To : Steve Rogers
From : Natasha Romanoff
Subject : Re: Aw, Hell
Call me Tash again and I’ll assassinate the president.
Thanks.
-
BRUCE, MAY I ENTER YOUR LABORATORY?
- Thor
You got Steve’s e-mail too, huh?
- Bruce
YES, I DID INDEED. I DID NOT KNOW HE HAD IT IN HIM TO BE SO… ALAS, I CANNOT THINK OF THE WORD!
- Thor
UnStevey?
- Bruce
THAT WILL DO, AYE. MAY I ENTER?
- Thor
Yeah, sorry. Just cleaning up a bit.
- Bruce
THERE IS NO NEED. YOUR WORK WILL ONLY BE WASTED.
- Thor
OK
- Bruce
Come on up
- Bruce
Hury up
- Bruce
It doesntt tak that long to gt up hre!!!!
- Bruce
I APOLOGIZE, I WAS WAYLAID BY A SMALL KITTEN. FRIEND BRUCE, WHY DO YOU TYPE SO? I THOUGHT YOU WERE OPPOSED TO SUCH MANNERS
- Thor
try typign wen youre aroused nd you hav alumninm al over yor fngrs
- Bruce
hry up
- Bruce
-
Dude, thank you. You totally got me laid.
- Clint
I’m glad I could be of assistance, but I did mean it when I said not to contact me. I’m very busy. I’m genuinely happy for you, though. You deserve it, Clint.
- Steve
Seriously. Tasha is like a goddess in the sack.
- Clint
I’m pleased for you.
- Steve
I mean, wow. She just has this way with me, you know?
- Clint
Im sory steve rogers is no lnger avaible on this nmbr ooh tny
- Steve
Gotcha, man. Not a word more.
- Clint
Damn, we Avengers men get bitches.
- Clint
Sorry, Tash. I meant ‘strong, independent female role models’. Like Steve.
- Clint
Please don’t hurt me.
- Clint
Ooh, hurt me.
- Clint
????
- Steve
Sorry, Steve. Forgot I was texting you.
- Clint
k byeenow
- Steve
Vowels are so overrated.
- Clint
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Last Edited Mon 30 Dec 2013 03:24PM EST
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