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The Avngrs Vs Txt Spk

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Tony, you know how I’ve always respected you both as a businessman, a superhero and as a man?

- Clint

 

You need to learn the meaning of the word ‘both’, but do continue.

- Tony

 

I kind of need a favor, man.

- Clint

 

Tell me about my eyes.

- Tony

 

What?

- Clint

 

Well, I thought you were buttering me up.

- Tony

 

Oh. Right. Uh, they’re lovely. Really. Great corneas.

- Clint

 

Boy, Natasha’s a lucky woman. Bet you serenade her every night with tales of her sexy retinas.

- Tony

 

Oh, ha-ha. Sorry, I’m an assassin, not a fucking poet. Look, about this favor.

- Clint

 

Go on. I’m listening.

- Tony

 

Well, reading. I could use the voice function but that always seems a bit redundant.

- Tony

 

I may or may not have really pissed Tasha off and she’s filled the sofa bed with needles and told me to sleep on it.

- Clint

 

Ah. What did you say?

- Tony

 

She was being really pissy, you know? So I just asked if she was, you know, bleeding, and she went crazy!

- Clint

 

She threw a lamp. At my head, Tony. At my head.

- Clint

 

CLINT NO

- Tony

 

What possessed you to do that? Were you temporarily overcome by the spirit of a douchebag?

- Tony

 

I don’t see why it’s that bad!

- Clint

 

Look, when I was dating Pep, I once made the same mistake. JARVIS swore at me in Yiddish for two weeks straight. She wore high-necked blouses for a month. Women don’t like it when we ignorant men assume, Hawk. You’re lucky to still be breathing.

- Tony

 

Shit. How do I fix this? Pint of Ben & Jerry’s?

- Clint

 

If you want her to shave your face off in your sleep, go for it.

- Tony

 

You’re welcome to my sofa for tonight. Just for tonight, though. Steve will try and get you to stay up with him and eat marshmallows and watch Old Yeller otherwise, so it’s really for your benefit.

- Tony

 

Also, I want to have sex at some point, but it gets a bit weird with someone in the house, you know?

- Tony

 

A fireman.

- Clint

 

A common fantasy, but not one that will be appearing in my bedroom any time soon.

- Tony

 

That’s what I wanted to be as a kid. A fireman. If I’d actually become that, I’d be running into fire every day and saving chicks from burning buildings and getting bits of my body melted and shit, but my life would be a lot simpler than it is now.

- Clint

 

OK, Proust. Key’s under the mat. Metaphorically, of course. Like Stark Towers uses a system so insecure. But really. It’s under the mat.

- Tony

 

-

 

BRC

- Thor

 

Hi? What’s wrong with your phone?

- Bruce

 

GRTNGS!! IT IS I THOR XXX

- Thor

 

Are you drunk?

- Bruce

 

NT EVN SLITLY, FRND BRC! I WS TLKN 2 TONY YDAY ND HE TLD ME THT THER WAS A FSTR WAY OF TXTNG

- Thor

 

APPRNTLY IT JST INVLVS PRTNDNG THAT VWLS DNT EXST

- Thor

 

Oh, Jesus. Please don’t listen to Tony. For the love of God and all that is holy, type normally. I can barely read that.

- Bruce

 

LOL YE ODIN DOES LV U ALL HERE ON MDGRD, THT IS ACCUR8.

- Thor

 

The 8? The ‘lol’? Thor, I have to ask you this; why do you want to be King of Asgard when you clearly have such a promising career lined up ahead of you as a professional tool?

- Bruce

 

THE ONLY TOOL I RQRE IS MJLNR

- Thor

 

I think it’s probably the more intelligent half of your little comedy duo.

- Bruce

 

I DO NT UNDRSTND

- Thor

 

That makes two of us. Jesus, use some vowels.

- Bruce

 

N

- Thor

 

THT MNT NO

- Thor

 

BT I DDNT WNT 2 USE A VWL

- Thor

 

XXXXXXXXX

-Thor

 

I’m going to make something massive explode. If you come back to the lab and find that I’ve turned huge and green, it’s entirely your fault. Don’t even try to talk to me. Until you can type, we don’t talk.

- Bruce

 

K

- Thor

 

-

 

Tasha, look. I’m really sorry, OK? I get it now that when a woman’s pissed, it doesn’t always mean she’s bleeding from her vagina.

- Clint

 

I didn’t need to put that so bluntly.

- Clint

 

I’m sorry.

- Clint

 

Can’t hear you, busy menstruating.

- Natasha

 

Huh? So you ARE on your period?

- Clint

 

No. I can think of a much better use for a tampon right now. It involves you and your imminent death.

- Natasha

 

How would that even work?

- Clint

 

Don’t ask questions you don’t want answered. Go away.

- Natasha

 

Tasha, please.

- Clint

 

Later. We’ll talk later.

- Natasha

 

OK. Fine.

- Clint

 

I’m at Stark’s, by the way.

- Clint

 

I know. Pepper’s been listening in on your little conversations and filling me in.

- Natasha

 

Interesting things you guys talk about.

- Natasha

 

I will shoot you.

- Clint

 

I’d like to see you try, Barton. I’d like to see you try.

- Natasha

 

We’ll talk later, OK?

- Natasha

 

OK. :)

- Clint

 

Sorry. Smiley. Eurgh. Ha.

- Clint

 

OK.

- Clint

 

-

 

How’s it going?

- Bruce

 

And the Oscar award for ‘best actor’ this year goes to Tony Stark for his flawless and emotionally stirring performance as Clint Barton’s sympathetic BFFL in the romantic epic that is no-one’s life. You?

- Tony

 

The Oscar for ‘best supporting actor’ goes to Bruce Banner for his heart-wrenching performance as a misunderstood genius.

- Bruce

 

Ha. Nice.

- Tony

 

Thanks. Hey, it’s a shame Clint’s chewing your ear off about Tasha. We could blow shit up and bitch about men.

- Bruce

 

I think I’m a bad influence on you. What’s up, anyway?

- Tony

 

Text Thor. You’ll find out.

- Bruce

 

What, just text him? Anything in particular?

- Tony

 

Nope. Pretty sure you’ll see what I mean almost straightaway.

- Bruce

 

Wow. OK. Will do. Hey, about that blowing shit up. Rain check?

- Tony

 

Sure. Your lab or mine?

- Bruce

 

If Steve ever reads these, he is going to think we’re having some torrid, chemically induced affair.

- Tony

 

And then he’d be sick because that’s a genuinely disturbing mental image. Text Thor.

- Bruce

 

Doing it now! PS my place tomorrow at 9, don’t wear green. Preferably don’t wear anything at all, tiger.

- Tony

 

(If Steve’s reading this: KIDDING.)

- Tony

 

Thank God.

- Bruce

 

Speaking of which, brb.

- Tony

 

NOT YOU, TOO.

- Bruce

 

-

 

Why are men so stupid?

- Natasha

 

God knows. Actually, he probably doesn’t. Think it was a design flaw.

- Pepper

 

That would make sense. No way would someone intentionally create such a moronic species.

- Natasha

 

Maybe God just needs something to laugh at every now and then?

- Pepper

 

He’s got Thor for that, surely?

- Natasha

 

Ha. God’s got a pretty diverse sense of humour, I think. But let’s not get metaphorical. What’s up?

- Pepper

 

You know when someone annoys you and you want to be annoyed for a bit longer than you’re actually annoyed for?

- Natasha

 

Wow. OK. Is Natasha Romanoff pissed off because she’s feeling particularly congenial today? You, lady, are a bundle of contradictions.

- Pepper

 

I don’t even know. All I know is that I want to murder Clint in a myriad of creative ways but also tie him to the bed and cover him in chocolate sauce. What is wrong with me?

- Natasha

 

A serious case of TMI syndrome. The only cure is brain bleach. For me, that is, not for you. For you, there is no cure, because you’re suffering from something far more dangerous. You, Natasha, are suffering from LOVE.

- Pepper

 

I am not!

- Natasha

 

You are.

- Pepper

 

I am not having this argument. Not via text.

- Natasha

 

Mine. 10 minutes. Pistachios and chips.

- Pepper

 

And gateau?

- Natasha

 

Doctor’s orders.

- Pepper

 

-

 

So, big guy. Bruce told me to text you. I assume I’ll find out why.

- Tony

 

TNY! VRLY, IT IS GR8 2 HEAR FRM U!

- Thor

 

Oh my sweet, ever-loving Odin. This is priceless. This? This is the stuff Pulitzer Prize winning novels are made of.

- Tony

 

DID BRC SAY WHT HE WNTD U 2 SAY?

- Thor

 

To be honest, Thor, I think you’ve said everything necessary. Permit me to say one thing, though.

- Tony

 

GO AHED

- Thor

 

A, e, i, o, u.

- Tony

 

-

 

Tasha?

- Clint

 

Tashaaaaa

- Clint

 

When did you mean by ‘later’? It’s been a few hours.

- Clint

 

Tasha?

- Clint

 

-

 

BRC

- Thor

 

BRC

- Thor

 

BRC

 

- Thor

 

VRLY, TDAY HAS NT GN 2 PLN

- Thor

 

I MSS VWLS

- Thor

 

BRC, I WLL ASK TNY 2 RTRN MY VWLS

- Thor

 

-

 

To : Clint Barton, Natasha Romanoff, Donald Blake (Thor Odinson), Bruce Banner

From : Steve Rogers

Subject : Aw, Hell

This is very unlike me, sending out an e-mail en-masse, but I think it’s necessary. No-one is talking to each other. Well, they are, but not the right people. What happened to people talking through their problems? In my day… well. You don’t want to hear about my day. That’s what Tony’s for.

Anyway, down to business. I’ve been observing you all all day, and what I’ve seen makes me a bit angry. Your problems are all so easily solved.

Clint, Natasha loves you. She’s just annoyed that you don’t always try to understand her. Natasha, Clint is emotionally backwards. He’s trying. You just have to be patient. Solution: kiss and make up.

Thor, vowels are your friends. See, there’s three in the words ‘best friends’ alone, but only two in ‘enemy’. Whatever that means. I don’t know. Anyway, we all just want to understand what you’re saying. You’re so wise, it’s good to be able to read your texts. Bruce, Thor is new to Earth. Uh, Midgard. Therefore, he’s going to make some cultural errors. You have to be patient, like Tash. You two should sign up for patience training or something.

There. That’s it, and that’s all. I am going to lock my door now and if anyone – and I mean anyone – tries to contact either myself or Tony about their petty problems tonight, I will get Nick to give you all such a telling off.

- Steve (Captain America)

 

To : Steve Rogers

From : Natasha Romanoff

Subject : Re: Aw, Hell

Call me Tash again and I’ll assassinate the president.

Thanks.

 

-

 

BRUCE, MAY I ENTER YOUR LABORATORY?

- Thor

 

You got Steve’s e-mail too, huh?

- Bruce

 

YES, I DID INDEED. I DID NOT KNOW HE HAD IT IN HIM TO BE SO… ALAS, I CANNOT THINK OF THE WORD!

- Thor

 

UnStevey?

- Bruce

 

THAT WILL DO, AYE. MAY I ENTER?

- Thor

 

Yeah, sorry. Just cleaning up a bit.

- Bruce

 

THERE IS NO NEED. YOUR WORK WILL ONLY BE WASTED.

- Thor

 

OK

- Bruce

 

Come on up

- Bruce

 

Hury up

- Bruce

 

It doesntt tak that long to gt up hre!!!!

- Bruce

 

I APOLOGIZE, I WAS WAYLAID BY A SMALL KITTEN. FRIEND BRUCE, WHY DO YOU TYPE SO? I THOUGHT YOU WERE OPPOSED TO SUCH MANNERS

- Thor

 

try typign wen youre aroused nd you hav alumninm al over yor fngrs

- Bruce

 

hry up

- Bruce

 

-

 

Dude, thank you. You totally got me laid.

- Clint

 

I’m glad I could be of assistance, but I did mean it when I said not to contact me. I’m very busy. I’m genuinely happy for you, though. You deserve it, Clint.

- Steve

 

Seriously. Tasha is like a goddess in the sack.

- Clint

 

I’m pleased for you.

- Steve

 

I mean, wow. She just has this way with me, you know?

- Clint

 

Im sory steve rogers is no lnger avaible on this nmbr ooh tny

- Steve

 

Gotcha, man. Not a word more.

- Clint

 

Damn, we Avengers men get bitches.

- Clint

 

Sorry, Tash. I meant ‘strong, independent female role models’. Like Steve.

- Clint

 

Please don’t hurt me.

- Clint

 

Ooh, hurt me.

- Clint

 

????

- Steve

 

Sorry, Steve. Forgot I was texting you.

- Clint

 

k byeenow

- Steve

 

Vowels are so overrated.

- Clint