Actions

Work Header

Jaques and Pedro See the World: A Playlette

Work Text:

(With cameo appearances by Moroso, Rowland, Bianca, Petronius & Sophocles and passing mentions of many more!)
Written in honor of the cast and crew of the 2004 Shakespeare Santa Cruz production of The Tamer Tamed

Jaques:
Good Pedro we have come to port at last.
Our ship shall take us swiftly out to sea,
And ne’er more grief join our good company.

Pedro:
Oh Jaques, Jaques, a happy trip may this be.

Jaques:
Indeed it shall my little friend.
Afore us ‘ventures, joys, and great repose,
Behind us nothing that we care to lose.

Pedro:
But Jaques will not you miss our lady and lord?
Jaques:

No, I’faith for I quite rarely see ‘em.
For since they to agreement came,
No room without a bed holds them.

Pedro:
Is it e’en so?

Jaques:
           It is, my friend Pedro.

Pedro:
To sea then with all speed, I daren’t delay

Jaques:
Aboard then good fellow.

Pedro:
                                      I fly, hooray!
They go aboard.

Jaques:
Fair winds, no tempest be our brave escort.
Yet, be ye wary of the pitch of sea

Pedro:
I’ll hold myself as steady as can be.


Moroso, in yachting attire, enters


Jaques:
Ahoy there Captain!  Looks our trip be smooth?

Moroso:
I am Captain no more than you are wise.

Pray fools, how was it that you came aboard?

Jaques:
Why from behind my rev’rent sir.

Moroso:
Enough!
Any man knows to enter from afore.

Jaques:
Now sure, it was behind from whence we came.

Pedro:
And from behind we’ll come again and again!

Moroso:
Away rascals! Go! Leave me from thy fooling.

Jaques:
With joy, good sir, we’ll leave thee to thy fumbling.

Moroso exits.

Jaques:
‘Tis best he’s gone; he’d ruin a good breeze ere long.
Now Pedro, be careful where you choose play.
If fall you in the brink, I’ll not you save.

Pedro:
Think you there be any magic creatures to see?
Women with tails, Scylla or great Charybdis?

Jaques:
By’r Lady pray no! For women have teeth
and tail enough for many a long day.
Sooner tie me to mast than meet any of these.

Whale song.

Jaques:
Lord help us! The sirens mournful death song!
Quick Pedro! Save your soul and plug your ears!
Woman’s tongue was ne’er more deadlier than these.

Pedro:
Ne’er again I’ll think myself safe at sea!

Rowland enters wailing.

Jaques:
Rowland is’t you that makes such pit’ful cries?

Rowland:
Yes, e’en so.

Jaques:
                Pray tell, what is your sorrow?
Your mistress has not turned from you I hope.

Rowland:
No Livia is faithful as Xanthippe a scold.

Jaques:
What then provokes this showering of tears?

Pedro:
Thou art not mad, I hope?

Rowland:
                        Faith no, but sad.
And sadder still, for missing Tranio.

Jaques:
Tranio?  Why forsooth? He’s not dead.

Rowland:
But gone.  He and Bluebottle did elope.
And they shall populate a new parish.
The world shall see a new breed of saint-flies.

Jaques:
And for this you do cry so?

Rowland:
                        Yes, e’en so.
And why I travel cross Neptune’s domain.
So heartily I seek to gain my friend.
And now I can no more, farewell my friends.

Rowland exits wailing.

Pedro:
No sooner married than sooner sad.

Jaques:
Tis so for all men, so keep yourself whole.

Pedro:
And so I shall for now and ever more.
For truth, I ne’er met women I wished to bed.

Jaques:
Not one?
Pedro:    
            Faith no!
Jaques:
                    Not ever?
Pedro:
                            Tis even so!
Jaques:
Never the sweetest girl?

Pedro:
                        Nor kindest girl
Jaques:
Nor the richest girl?

Pedro:        
                    Nor the rarest girl
Jaques:
Nor the ripest girl?

Pedro:
                Nor the rambunctiousest girl.

Jaques:
Pedro, thou art the strangest of fellows.
Woe worth your mother when she begot thee,
But for your strangenesses I love you yet.

Pedro:
The same say I of you, making me stranger still.

Enter Bianca and Petronius.  

Jaques:
    What gallants may these be?
Pedro:
                                Let’s hide and see!
Petronius:
    Come lady, give ear to my oration.

Bianca:
    Back off old dog, I’m on my vacation.

Petronius:
    Give me but a brief moment of thy time.

Jaques:
    She’d sooner wish herself to have the itch.


Pedro:
    It may be she already does.

Jaques:    
                        Shame, fellow!

Petronius:
    All that I’ve said to ye yet was pretend.

Bianca:
    All the more I shall not speak to ye now.
    Tide I no time with liars.

Pedro:                    
She cuts!

Jaques:
    Her tongue may be well worn, but is sharp yet!

Petronius:
    Come give this old dog a chance!

Bianca:
                            Adieu mongrel!

Bianca exits with Petronius in pursuit.

Pedro:
    I should die of laughs at this old jade’s tricks!

Jaques:
    That fooling may strike men both young and old!

Pedro:
    Look Jaques, land ho!

Jaques:
                        Sweet Paris, come we along!

Exeunt ashore.

Pedro:
Now farewell sea and hello shore!
Waves at my back; wine and cheese now before!

Jaques:
The good Lord love us, what times shall we have!
 Let’s head into the city for good shops
 And foods and sweets and stoutest bars.

Pedro:
    Lead Jaques and I will follow with all speed!

Jaques:
    Now look what finery we have in here.
    Things too fine for our poor usages friend.
    Yet look, shall we yet find another here,
That to my master was so close and dear?

Enter Sophocles with tapestry

Jaques:
    Good Sophocles what brings you to this place?

Sophocles:
    I come, and truly sir, to make purchase
For the sweet mistress of my heart and soul.

Pedro:
    How now, Sir Sophocles, thou founds’t love?

Sophocles:
    I have and such that never shall I look
On other girls again.

Jaques:
                    Who be’st this maid?
Sophocles:
    Why ‘tis your gentle mistress Maria.

Jaques:
    Maria! How cam’st this to be so?

Sophocles:
    Twas since we shared that specialest kiss
    My heart it was with her and cannot,
    By any means, be torn asunder.

Jaques:
    But what of her new marriage and husband?
    What of Petruchio? What say’st you that?

Sophocles:
    Tis true she loveth her husband dearly,
    But I hath bought this silk French tapestry
    That she will love and win her back to me.

Pedro:
    I cannot say I wish you good speed.

Sophocles:
    I need none of your wishes Pedro
    For arm’ed so I cannot fail!

Exit Sophocles

Jaques:
    Now I see that France doth bear as many,
    Nay more, fools as our Native Country.
    That said, I’ve had enough of cities.
    Let’s bear ourselves to the green country.

Pedro:
    But I fear the country may be wild.

Jaques:
    Tush! Tush Pedro! That’s more than you know.

Pedro:
    Then tell me this, what’s that I do spy?

Jaques:
    The good Lord preserve us! Go Pedro! Run! Hide!

 Jaques and Pedro exit, pursued by a bear.


FINIS