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Clint Barton Has Low Self Esteem (But a Great Sex Life)

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Tasha

- Clint

 

Tasha

- Clint

 

Tasssha

- Clint

 

Clint, if you text me one more time, I am going to hunt you down, cut your arms off, fashion a crude bludgeon and beat you to death with the soggy ends. What do you want?

- Natasha

 

Im reaaaaaaaally drunkn

- Clint

 

Thoris here toooo

- Clint

 

HES SO DRUNK!!!! DID YOU KWOW THATA HE HAS A HELEMT?????? I DIDOT KNOW THAT!!!!!!

- Clint

 

I’m genuinely thrilled for you. I hope we can continue this conversation sometime. I’ll make a note in my diary. How does never sound for you? It works for me.

- Natasha

 

NO NO WAIT

- Clint

 

TASHA

- Clint

 

TAAAAAASAHAHAAAAAAAA

- Clint

 

I WANT TO TELE YOUJ ABOUT THORS’ HELEMET!!!!!!!!! JESUSSS

- Clint

 

ITS FUNY BECAUSEE IT SOUJNDS LIKKE I  MEAAN HIS PESNI

- Clint

 

hahahahahahahaha

- Clint

 

I am not even joking now, Hawkbreath. Keep texting me and I will kill you. With my face.

- Natasha

 

yoer no fuuuuun

- Clint

 

Imgoing to talk to thr

- Clint

 

laterzzzzzzzzzzz

- Clint

 

-

 

You know how you’re like a genius chemist guy?

- Clint

 

Well, I’d hate to blow my own trumpet, but yes. Carry on.

- Bruce

 

You don’t happen to have concocted some super hangover remedy, perchance? My head feels like Thor’s been shouting into my ear all night. Probably because he was. That guy’s voice is like a sonic boom, Jesus.

- Clint

 

I’m afraid that’s not really my remit, sorry. I could offer you a lecture on the relative properties of Barium and Neon?

- Bruce

 

I’d rather ask Natasha for a massage and face the consequences, but thanks.

- Clint

 

Rough night, then?

- Bruce

 

You could say that. Let me put it this way; don’t go out drinking with a Norse god. He will drink you under the table, then under all the chairs, and eventually under the floor itself.

- Clint

 

Ouch. I could have told you that.

- Bruce

 

He’s built like a brick shithouse. Stands to reason that he’d hold his liquor well. That’s all I meant. I don’t know, obviously. Never seen him drink. Hardly ever see him, in fact. Very rarely. Not a common occurrence. Special occasions.

- Bruce

 

Weddings. Family weddings.

- Bruce

 

Funerals.

- Bruce

 

I’m going to boil my head in a vat of mercury now.

- Bruce

 

Me too.

- Clint

 

-

 

Tasha?

- Clint

 

Tasha?

- Clint

 

Tasha

- Clint

 

TASHA

- Clint

 

TAAAAAAAAASHAAAAAAAAA

- Clint

 

You’re ignoring me.

- Clint

 

That’s cool.

- Clint

 

I can totally deal.

- Clint

 

Talk to me?

- Clint

 

OK.

- Clint

 

-

 

Feel like offering a brother some help?

- Clint

 

Actually, I constantly thank God that I am an only child. Thor likes the gratitude.

- Tony

 

You’re a genuine comedian, Iron Douche. Please?

- Clint

 

Talk!

- Tony

 

Oh, right. Sorry. Well, it’s about Tasha.

- Clint

 

I am NOT helping you hide another body. Stark Industries doesn’t need the bad rep right now.

- Tony

 

Although if you were to maybe stroll past the latest building site on 4th Avenue, no-one would notice if you maybe dug a little hole somewhere, just saying. Didn’t hear it from me.

- Tony

 

It’s nothing like that! I just… think I’ve annoyed her. That’s all.

- Clint

 

Oh geeze, you think?

- Tony

 

What’s that supposed to mean?

- Clint

 

A leopard can’t change his spots, my little sparrow.

- Tony

 

I repeat my earlier question!!

- Clint

 

Look, a leopard suits his spots. Other animals should just learn to deal with it. Or build huge towers and hide from it.

- Tony

 

Are you saying I’m just an annoying person?

- Clint

 

Either that, or I’m accusing you of being in desperate need of Clearasil. Only you can work out what I mean, young Padawan.

- Tony

 

Seriously? That’s your idea of help? ‘Get over it, you’re annoying’? Wow.

- Clint

 

Well, what do you want me to say? That she’ll forgive you and you’ll kiss and make up and cuddle and paint each other’s toenails pretty shades of pink? Have you MET Natasha?

- Tony

 

What do I do?

- Clint

 

Well, you could apologize for being such an annoying little turd. ONE TEXT, Barton. Send her no more.

- Tony

 

Ah. Bit late for that.

- Clint

 

Why are you a thing that exists? Just why? How are you a thing that has evolved? DID you evolve?

- Tony

 

Look, you’ve got the picture. Are you going to help me or not?

- Clint

 

I think you’re beyond help, my friend. I’d clap you on the shoulder in a manly gesture of empathy, but I might catch ‘annoying’.

- Tony

 

Dick.

- Clint

 

-

 

Does Tony ever annoy you so much that you want to dive headfirst off a 40ft wall?

- Clint

 

Almost every hour, on the hour. Why?

- Steve

 

I think I have that effect on people and I don’t know what to do.

- Clint

 

Aw, hell. You’re not annoying, Clint! You’re just… you.

- Steve

 

But what IS me? Am I charming, hilarious and witty? Or am I tedious, irritating and so annoying that I make people want to run headfirst into oncoming trains?

- Clint

 

What’s given you that impression? Have you been talking to Tony? He’s just winding you up. Don’t pay any attention to him.

- Steve

 

Actually, I’ve sort of been talking to everyone. That’s the problem.

- Clint

 

Well, I can tell you now that I don’t find you irritating. Except for that one time at my birthday party when you got drunk and climbed onto the rafters and built a nest out of my favorite sweaters and refused to get down because you were going to lay an egg. That was a bit annoying.

- Steve

 

But that was one time.

- Steve

 

And you were drunk.

- Steve

 

Hang on! I sense a pattern emerging here. Steve, you’re actually a hero.

- Clint

 

I know, I’m Captain America.

- Steve

 

Not quite what I meant, but congrats. Think of another time I was really annoying.

- Clint

 

… OK. The ‘office’ Christmas party that Thor’s friend Jane threw for us. You got really drunk and sat in the punch bowl and announced that it was your punch bowl and no-one else could have it, then you jumped out of it and announced that you’d wet yourself and Tasha should take you home.

- Steve

 

Notice a common factor in these stories?

- Clint

 

You made a complete tool of yourself?

- Steve

 

Well, yes, but Steve! Alcohol! Alcohol is clearly my downfall!

- Clint

 

Actually, you do have a point there. Hadn’t noticed that.

- Steve

 

You are a lifesaver. If I can prove to Tasha that I’m willing to stop drinking in order to stop pissing her off, she might talk to me again! Steve, you’re a total babe. Go and get Tony to give you a blowjob or something. You deserve it.

- Clint

 

… thanks?

- Steve

 

Don’t mention it.

- Clint

 

I don’t plan to.

- Steve

 

-

 

GREETINGS, EYE OF HAWK! WOULD THEE CARE TO ACCOMPANY ME TO AN ALEHOUSE THIS EVE? I THOUGHT WE COULD DISCUSS THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE AND WOMEN’S BOSOMS!

- Thor

 

Can’t tonight, big guy. Busy starting a new life.

- Clint

 

WHAT? DID THEY FIND THE BODY?!

- Thor

 

… just gonna, you know, ignore that. No, just trying a new thing.

- Clint

 

OH. I SEE.

- Thor

 

Do you?

- Clint

 

NO, NOT AT ALL.

- Thor

 

It’s like this. When I drink, I get drunk, right? And when I’m drunk, I’m annoying. When I’m annoying, people don’t talk to me.

- Clint

 

SO FAR, I SEE NO INACCURACIES.

- Thor

 

Well, that’s the thing! If I don’t drink, people will like me!

- Clint

 

FRIEND CLINT, MAY I BE FRANK?

- Thor

 

No, you should be Thor.

- Clint

 

I AM THOR, GOD OF THUNDER.

- Thor

 

I know. That was… don’t worry. Go ahead. Be Frank, or Dave, or Jim. Just be honest.

- Clint

 

WELL, IN ASGARD, WE HAVE A SAYING. A MOTTO, IF YOU WILL. IT GOES LIKE THIS; ‘HE WHO CHANGES IN ORDER TO PLEASE ANOTHER IS DOOMED NEVER TO PLEASE HIMSELF. ALSO, HE IS A PANSY’.

- Thor

 

You have a motto about masturbation? Wow. Asgardians really know how to live it up.

- Clint

 

I BELIEVE YOU ARE BEING DELIBERATELY OBTUSE.

- Thor

 

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT I THINK YOU ARE A NOBLE WARRIOR.

- Thor

 

YOU ARE NOT A PANSY.

- Thor

 

OR A FROST GIANT.

- Thor

 

Thanks, Thor. I know you mean well. I just… I think I have to do this. Just to prove a point. Surely you’ve felt like that before? Like you have to prove yourself?

- Clint

 

THE LAST TIME I FELT SUCH A WAY, I ALMOST DESTROYED THREE REALMS, NEARLY KILLED MY DEAR FATHER, LOST MY DEAR BROTHER AND WORE CLOTHES THAT WERE TOO SMALL.

- Thor

 

Well then. I can only hope for similar results.

- Clint

 

-

 

Tasha, are you still not talking to me? It’s been two weeks. I haven’t drunk-texted you once. Please, just let me know you’re OK?

- Clint

 

-

 

Thor dragged me to H+M today to buy a new purple shirt for Bruce. You know how Bruce gets through shirts! Anyway, I walked into a mannequin and apologized. It had a red wig on. Reminded me of you a bit, but if I walked into you, I probably wouldn’t have walked away. Not with both legs, anyway. Hope you’re doing all right!

- Clint

 

-

 

Steve is listening to Coldplay. Send help.

- Clint

 

-

 

What’s ‘no, I do not want to sleep with you, go and shave your moustache’ in Russian?

- Clint

 

Never mind, I just got Thor to punch her instead.

- Clint

 

Hope you’re all right.

- Clint

 

-

 

It’s been a month. We’re all starting to worry. This isn’t about me at all, is it?

- Clint

 

-

 

Please, Tasha. Get in touch with one of us. We just want to know you’re still respiring.

- Clint

 

-

 

I’m alive.

- Natasha

 

Oh, that’s a great text! Six weeks, and that’s all I get?

- Clint

 

Is that it?

- Clint

 

Really? You’re doing this again?

- Clint

 

There was a job. It didn’t go so well.

- Natasha

 

Shit. Sorry. Are you OK?

- Clint

 

Of course.

- Natasha

 

Well, that’s good.

- Clint

 

Are you coming home soon?

- Clint

 

Back. I meant back. Are you coming back?

- Clint

 

Yes. Soon.

- Natasha

 

OK. Good.

- Clint

 

I talked to Thor.

- Natasha

 

Ah. Never a good idea. You should ignore everything he said, especially about the merits of shoulder pads.

- Clint

 

He said you thought I didn’t like you. Is that true?

- Natasha

 

I feel like a 13 year old girl.

- Clint

 

Barton.

- Natasha

 

OK! Yes. Yes, OK? I feel like I annoy you 70% of the time, and the other 30% of the time, I piss you off.

- Clint

 

You’re definitely the most annoying person I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet, yes.

- Natasha

 

OK. Wow.

- Clint

 

But that doesn’t mean I don’t like you, you moron.

- Natasha

 

It doesn’t?

- Clint

 

Why do you think I still respond to your texts? When I’m not in Japan being blown up by Buddhist terrorists, anyway.

- Natasha

 

Humoring me?

- Clint

 

Not even slightly, you idiot.

- Natasha

 

Oh. OK.

- Clint

 

So. When will you be back?

- Clint

 

ETA 3 minutes.

- Natasha

 

3 what

- Clint

 

I thought you could read?

- Natasha

 

So did I, but clearly not, because I thought that said ‘3 minutes’.

- Clint

 

2 minutes now.

- Natasha

 

I want you in your archery uniform by the time I get back. Leave the door unlocked. I can’t be bothered to pick the lock. I know where your bedroom is.

- Natasha

 

I don’t

- Clint

 

Um

- Clint

 

OK

- Clint

 

1 minute.

- Natasha

 

-

 

To : Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Bruce Banner, Donald Blake (Thor Odinson)

From : Clint Barton

Subject : HAHAHAHAHA

YOUR ADVICE? IT ALL SUCKED, BUT NOT AS HARD AS TASHA DOES

I TOTALLY GOT LAID

AND IT WAS AWESOME

WHO’S ANNOYING NOW, BITCHES??

 

To : Clint Barton

From : Tony Stark

Subject : Re: HAHAHAHAHA

Still you, tiger. If Natasha finds out you sent this e-mail, you are going to be dead. The murder weapon will probably be her little finger. Good luck.

 

To : Clint Barton

From : Steve Rogers

Subject : Re: HAHAHAHAHA

I’m genuinely happy that your relationship with Natasha is going from strength to strength. However, please stop e-mailing me with discussions about your sex life as the e-mails come through directly to my phone and reading them in public often causes me some discomfort. Thanks.

 

To : Clint Barton

From : Bruce Banner

Subject : Re: HAHAHAHAHA

Aw, man! Congratulations. Seriously. Thought I was going to have to whip up some sort of aphrodisiac for you two. Already started it, as a matter of fact. Darn, looks like I’m going to have to find another use for it. Where is that Asgardian hunk…

Just kidding. Happy for you. Now you can stop texting me like a sissy schoolgirl!

 

To : Clint Barton

From : Donald Blake (Thor Odinson)

Subject : Re: HAHAHAHAHA

I AM HEARTILY PLEASED TO HEAR OF THIS! CELEBRATORY ALE? TONIGHT?

 

To : Donald Blake (Thor Odinson)

From : Clint Barton

Subject : Re: Re: HAHAHAHAHA

Heck yes!!