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No Shit

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"It's my catch phrase.

"You do not have a fucking catch phase."

Not with that attitude.


“You guys should totally meet my uncle one day, he’d run circles around you fuckers.”

“I highly doubt that Darcy.”

“Is that a challenge, ‘cause you know how much I like challenges.”

“If this guy’s anything like you we're in for a treat.”


“Come to New York for a vacay.”

Hell no, last thing I need is to leave the bakery with your mom. The fire department still hasn’t forgiven me.

“Don’t make me remind you about the garage.”

You promised you’d never bring up the garage.

“Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Tony. Welcome to the real world.”

Fuck you and your Tumblr bullshit, I should have never gotten you that IPod.

“Come to New York and I promise I won’t use memes against you.”

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice and you aren’t getting any more god damn cookies.


“Whose cookies are these, ‘cause I’m gonna eat ‘em.”

“Touch those cookies and you die Barton.”


“I have a crush on one of the Avengers.”

You and half the cocks and vaginas on the internet.

“My love is pure.”

“Bitch, you weren’t even pure when you came out of your mom’s vagina. I know, I was there, I still have nightmares.

“Is that why you’re gay?”

No, I’m gay because if I was straight I’d have to deal with someone like you and I can only deal with one.


“Check how sexy my uncle is.”

“Your choice of words are concerning.”

“Don’t worry, it’s not incest, he’s adopted.”

“That doesn’t make it any better.”


“I think you’d be hot for my boss.”

What did I say about setting me up with people?

“That you’ve got, ‘dicks on a waiting list like organ recipients and you don’t need no help’.”

I’d like a picture though.


“I do declare that you should help me pack for my trip home.”

“You’re going back home?”

“Only for a couple weeks, the bakery is having a little trouble and I miss my uncle.”

“You two close?”

“My mom says were too close. You should see our family get together, it’s a disaster.”



Oh God it’s you.

“Love you too, Uncle Tony.”

What’s up?

“I’m stuck at the airport come get me.”

Your brother’s supposed to get you, he left half an hour ago.

“Check the driveway.”

One sec.


He’s still fucking there god damnit.

“Did he find your stash or something?”

Darcy! You know I only smoke cigarettes.

“Swear on grandpa’s grave.”


“Do it.”


I’m coming to get you. Don’t tell your mom.


“Admit it.”


“Come on.”

“No fucking way.”

“I’ll only stop if you admit it.”

“I have the right to remain silent, you little shit.”

“I’m gonna yell it.”

“Don’t you dare!”

“I’m gonna yell it!”

“Don’t you fucking dare!”



“Stop it you two, we already know!”



“Get a pimp and you can make some money on the side.”

“Fuck you, Darcy.”


“This is what happens when you move to New York and abandon family, you get shit at decorating cupcakes.”

“That’s a bit of a leap don’t you think?”

“I’m gonna leap over there and kick your ass if you don’t make a decent looking flower.”


“Is the middle finger really needed?”

“It’s a part of my aesthetic.”

“You sound like an idiot.”

“Fuck you, you twenty six year old boob-blimp.”

“Fuck you, you forty five year old cock slut.”

“At least we know that with age I look sexier, your titties will be dragging by the time your forty.”

“By the time I’m your age you’ll be hitting on guys in nursing homes.”

“So will your little crush.”



“I hope not.”


Is Ms. Lewis there?

“You are contacting the Lewis household, my friend, you must be clearer.”

I called Darcy Lewis’ cellphone.

“One must understand that no things are private in the proximity of Tony Lewis.”

That seems to be your problem, Mr. Lewis. Is Darcy Lewis there?

“She’s in the shower.”

I’ll call later than.