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Without You

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I walked on the spacious place I am residing in. I still can't force myself to get used to all of these sudden changes. I feel so different; so left out. All I ever wanted was to be happy. All of this time I thought that if he's with me, everything will be alright and I wouldn't have to suffer so much anymore. I don't think I am mistaken though.

Because whenever I look at the distance, I could still see how you laugh at me every time we sit beside each other and our family on the dining table. I still see how you always glance at my eyes and tell me how its color is of the heavenly skies you've come to miss and adore. I could still see your bravery and stubbornness protecting me. I can still see you here with me, smiling.

I sat at the edge of the rooftop and stared at the blue panorama above me. Its beauty was too much that I covered my face with my hands.

I'm alone.

It's cold.

Where are you?

What are you doing right now?

Am I the only one thinking about you, still?

Yuichiro.

My dear, Yuu.

Without him I am... I am...

Without him...

What am I without him..?

My head was starting to ache just thinking about all of these. I lowered my palms to my eyesight and stared at it. Was I this pale? I haven't drank blood and Krul's don't satisfy my thirst anymore. My throat feels like it's igniting. My vision's blurring and I can't think of anything but the ecstasy of red blood. Sweet, sweet blood.

My mouth is burning so much, it hurts.

I gasped some air and bit my lip; just enough for it to bleed and make me stay awake. I don't want to lose my control especially here inside the palace. I don't want the other vampires to get suspicious of me and especially, her Highness.

I jumped off the roof and landed on the cement floor of the underground where the "livestocks" are being kept. I won't say they are being taken care of but they are, at least, under the protection of the vampire nobles from the diseases spreading in the outside world. Nothing has changed under here. I didn't really like this place that much but roaming around here is still undeniably nostalgic even if I do it everyday. Sometimes I feel like I'm stabbing myself whenever I step in this portion of the area because I see nothing but him, everywhere.

I tried to shake it off a lot of times but believe me, I also feel terrible. Whenever I remember him, I feel like an obsessed monster. I am a horrible creature that thinks about nothing but a human boy who probably doesn't look at me the same way as before.

I saw Yuu a few days ago, again. We were reunited once more; just, in a different and in an odd meeting. He stabbed me with a sword as I was trying to kill a human commander from their side. I was shocked. The stab hurt but when I saw him after a lot of years again, it felt as if the pain melted away. I couldn't take my eyes off him. When he called out to me, I felt happy. Too happy. I felt needed once more. But that's what I thought.

I thought you needed me. I thought you still need me. When I saw your friends... When I saw your never-fading, bright smile directed to your new-found friends... I... I didn't know what to do. I got jealous. I was so jealous. I wanted to gouge all their eyes out and leave them bleeding to death so they can't see you smile...

I'm horrible.

Too horrible.

I know that already.

I've already accepted the fact that I am now nothing but a filthy vampire. I do not wish to stain you with all of this dirt that I held on to survive up until this moment. I do not wish for you to accept me as for who I am right now but I do wish one thing: I wish you not to blame yourself for me being like this.

If you are happy, I'll try my best to be happy.

Just please, I just don't want you to forget.

I don't want you to forget about me.

--

"Mika! There you are!" A familiar voice came closer to me. "What do I do with a stubborn kid like you!"

Krul Tepes. "Your Highness..."

"Why are you staring at me like that?" She approached me and flicked my forehead. "You haven't been drinking blood right? I brought you a vial of human blood. It's fine, it's just a few drops. It won't be so bad, right?~"

How many times do I have to tell this old hag that I will never drink human blood? She never listens. "Krul, I'm not drinking it." Even though my throat felt like it was planning to revolt against me, I controlled myself.

"You sure? Look how tasty this blood is!" The pink-haired vampire played with the vial, rolling it around her palms as if tempting me to get it.

"No. It..." I feel my breathing go heavy just by looking at the few drops. "It doesn't look... appetizing at all..."

"This is why you're still aging." She scratched her head. "Sip the drops and stay young forever, Mika. You don't have to fight it, my dear son."

"Stop it." My right arm started to move on its own and I grabbed Krul on her shoulder. I accidentally slammed her small, fragile looking body on the wall. I pulled back my arm and bit my lip once more. "I'm sorry."

The third progenitor didn't even look shocked. She was probably used to me reacting like that every time I get hungry and approach her. I feel so bad for always doing it but she would just shove it off and mess with my hair to compensate for the troubles I bring to her when I feel like this.

"Geez, you're a handful." The Highness walked towards me and cut her left wrist in a vertical manner using her fangs. "Here, drink. I won't accept no as an answer."

I don't have a choice now, do I? I gently lift up her bleeding wrist and put it close in my mouth. I could feel the warm blood overflowing in, down to my throat. It didn't taste as great as before but it was enough to satisfy me. For my hunger, it was pure rapture; every corner of my body felt strangely alive. It was as if the flickering switch inside me that went in a reset is all new. After a few seconds, I realized I might have been drinking too much so I pulled out.

"Thank you, your Highness." I bowed down.

Krul grabbed my chin and had me look at her. She wiped away the blood from my mouth using a white handkerchief and she smiled. I glanced on her wrist and I see the wound is now gone. Her recovery is terribly fast, she's not called a Queen for nothing, I guess... "You're such a spoiled kid." She sighed and slapped my head. She always scolds me. Well, I'm used to it. "Go home immediately after you do your livestock watching hobby, alright?"

Home?

I simply nodded and with that she walked away.

I realized I already forgot what that is.

--

"Hey look, it's the Queen's favorite!"

"Must be nice to be her pet, huh?"

"He gets all the recognition, how greedy."

I step along the barracks where those filthy guards do nothing but gossip about me all-day. I'm trying my best not to but I've always wanted to slam their heads in a wall until they bleed and their eardrums go out. By then they would probably hear me saying that I didn't want any of this; I never wanted this. I'd scream that if I were to choose, I'd choose dying than living this shitty life. If Krul just let me die back then, I would've been more grateful.

Sometimes I just think that if I did die, I won't see Yuu anymore.

"Hey Mika!~" Oh fuck, just hearing him irritates me to the core. "What's the cutest thing on earth doing here?"

How lame can this get? "As you can see, I am about to go back to the chambers."

"Ah~" He tilted his head. "It's pretty obvious, right?"

What the fuck. I frowned and glared at him. "Then, why did you even ask?"

Ferid's eyes smiled in content. He always likes to pull that despicable trigger inside of me. "Nothing!~" He approached me and held my shoulders from behind and slightly lowered his head towards my ear and he whispered, "I just wanted to hear your voice..."

He's so damn disgusting. "If you're trying to seduce me, it's not working."

The silver-haired vampire laughed. He smirked and...

...

He slapped my ass.

I just stood there and stared at him blankly. I am so done with him. I will not let this distorted freak come any closer to me anymore. I sighed and walked away as I heard him laugh from the distance.

--

As I entered my own room inside the noble's chambers, I scratched my head in disbelief. My bed was all messy and the windows were flying open. It's not as if someone would dare enter my room it's just that, I forgot to clean it up before leaving this morning. I sighed and sat at the corner of my bed.

When did I become so disorganized..?

I used to reprimand the kids at the orphanage to clean up themselves but now look at me.

I realized I've became such a hypocrite.

I feel so miserable and pathetic.

Sighing, I looked up and accidentally bumped my head on the bookshelf behind my bed. A few books fell down; what was messy became even messier. I stared at them for a while and took my time on blaming the books for falling down. I gave up, grunted, and picked the nasty things up.

One of them caught my attention.

"The Little Prince"

The book looks so old that the author's name is all blurred and stained already. I was never one for reading but Yuu is. Every time he reads and flips a page, I could see sparkles in his eyes. He may not be the smartest fellow but he has the hunger for knowledge and learning.

I opened the book and the first thing I saw was an illustration:

 

"What is this?"

It looks like a mountain over a road... or maybe a hat?

"Adults are so narrow-minded. They always tell me that I let my imagination run so wild so they don't listen to me."

 

"The truth is, this is a snake swallowing up a whole elephant."

I paused and chuckled. I remembered Yuu. He would probably answer something between these lines. The innocent answer fits him so well. I laughed for a while but my cheeks started to feel warm as well as my eyes. Teardrops were falling again for the second time this day.

It hurts so much.

My chest feels so tight as if it was going to explode. I tremble in fear because this felt so horrible.

I miss him.

So much.

It hurts.

I wiped away the tears because I felt sorry for the book. It was getting soaked. I flipped the pages and continued reading as I try to use the text for aversion. It took me a while to finish everything but eventually it made me stop crying. Well, I tried my best to hold the tears back.

Apparently, the book was about a Little Prince falling in-love with a Rose but then this beautiful, misleading flower lied to him so he had to stay away from his asteroid to find answers and give himself space.

I looked down and snorted. I scratched my head and felt my eyes. They're quite swelling and it hurts even to blink.

This story is so pathetic.

I placed the book back to its place and stood in front of the mirror and chuckled.

Why am I even doing this, I don't even have any reflection at all...

Sighing, I changed my clothes and laid down the bed. I stared at the ceiling and thought about things.

The Little Prince love the Rose so much that he's probably the type to do anything for it. Unfortunately in the end, the Prince was bitten by the Snake and he faced death without even seeing his precious Rose again.

Without the Prince, the Rose would grow thirsty.

Without the Prince, the Rose will wither.

Without the Prince, the Rose will eventually die.

I closed my eyes and bit my lip.

I don't think I'll have a good sleep tonight.